RIP Grandma Juanita.

Saying "goodbye" to someone always sucks; death sucks. Combined together, the worst feeling that one can have. But what's even worse is you never had the opportunity to even say goodbye before your loved one's line is cut. Wow, it's a pretty bad feeling.

Grandma Juanita, I will miss you.

My experience in the Philippines was a time in my life that I will never forget. Sometimes I feel like I want to regret it, but I don't. I met so many people that have touched my life in good ways. I miss so many people there. So many. I miss them all.

I can go on and on about the many people that I met there, but the one person that I met that always brought a smile to my face was Grandma Juanita. She isn't my real grandma, but I still called her that. She was the grandma of my cousins [on my mom's side] on the other side of their family. But whenever I would go visit my family there, Grandma Juanita was the first one to greet me with a smile and a hug. She was so loving.

The last time I saw her, she had tears in her eyes. We didn't know the next time we were going to see each other. So her last hug to me was just a little bit tighter, and her smile was a little bit more teary-eyed, and her "goodbye" was a little bit unwanted...because we both knew she was getting along in her years, and I didn't know when I was going to come back.

"Goodbye's" are so hard to do. If I had a choice, I would never say goodbye but "I love you." I know that people write all these things about "What if tomorrow never comes..." yaddah yaddah yaddah...But in all honestly, you don't know. You really don't know.

So Grandma Juanita, thank you. Thank you for your kindness, your love, and your touch in my life. Thank you for calling me one of your own, even though I wasn't blood related...I never felt out of place with you. I love you and as long as you are in my heart and the hearts of the others that you have touched with your kindness, you are never really gone. Our memories of you will be past down and through them you will live.

RIP Grandma Juanita. I will miss you.

"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."

First Day.

6:45am. I'm awake before that. Could be because I'm anxious. Could be because I'm excited. Or just because-no reason but the fact that I am awake. I drag myself out of bed...and before I know it I'm walking to school. Walking to school...wow, haven't done that since the Philippines! But this time I am a teacher! Crazy!

I had a pretty eventful day. Didn't know what I was getting to, but I knew I was going to love it. The kids are SOO loving. So very loving and just randomly they would run up to me and give me a hug! Lets see, I got called Miss Cherry, Miss Chateetee, Miss Aunty, Teacher Aunty...and they finally settled on Teacher Trinity! *laughs* Is my name so hard to pronounce?! My other preschool that I worked at in Cali also ended up calling me that! So, I guess Teacher/Miss Trinity it is...or just plain, Aunty.

My biggest challenge for this job will be the names. Growing up in Cali, the names were pretty straight forward. Every so often we would get that "interesting" name with that "unique" twist to it. But for the most part it was easy to memorize the names. But here, they have their Hawai'ian names! And even though I think that they are beautiful names...I can't seem to remember it! Or when the child comes up to me and starts talking in pidgin or Hawai'ian! And I'm like say what?! That's my biggest challenge, but for the most part, my little kiddies are awesome...and they are amazing in every way.

I never went to preschool growing up, but I did go to Day Care while my mother was going to school. And I can still remember bits and pieces. I remember loving it and having a lot of fun. I remember the head teacher dressing up as Big Bird off of Sesame Street for Halloween. I remember Easter Egg hunts, and ooblick. I remember eating clam chowder for lunch one day *laughs* and eating green eggs and ham for St. Patrick's Day. I even remember that my cubby hole was on the bottom shelf! Oh mandope, little did I know that I would be teaching in that age group when I grew older. And I know that I will do my absolute best to give the children that are placed in my care the same happy memories that I did.

I think I can claim the gift of having patience with children. I do NOT have the patience with dealing with anyone older than a child though. By then you should know better...and you have no excuse for the things you do. But children want to learn. They want to explore. They want to be curious and find things out. They have no thought beyond the next second and do not have minds that are tainted with the realities of life. Everything they do is innocent, no matter what we may think about it, or how we perceive their actions, it is done through innocent curiosity. They learn on the way how to push our buttons though. And by the time they are in first grade they use that talent [of learning how to push our buttons] against you. So that is why I like the preschool age. Because it's still innocent curiosity. And I love that.

First day down...and hopefully many more to come. :) Today was a success and tomorrow will be just a as good. I just hope it doesn't rain while I have to walk to school or home. That would just plain suck.



"Maybe we should develop a Crayola bomb as our next secret weapon. A happiness weapon. A beauty bomb. And every time a crisis developed, we would launch one. It would explode high in the air-explode softly-and send thousands, millions of little parachutes into the air. Floating down to earth-boxes of Crayolas. And we wouldn't go cheap, either-not little boxes of eight. Boxes of sixty-four, with the sharpner built right in. With silver and gold and copper, magenta and peach and lime, amber and umber and all the rest. And people would smile and get a little funny look on their faces and cover the world with imagination."-Robert Fulghum

I wonder...

So for some reason, I was taking the walk down memory lane and I was reading older journals last night right before I went to sleep [I do this every so often]. And this one particular entry caught my eye. And even though I wrote it a few years ago when I was going through a really hard time in my life, I decided to share it with you. It was called, "I Wonder...."

I wonder what life is all about, who controls what happens in life and who made up all the rules in life. The whole "life isn't fair..." should be re-looked at, I think. But then again, "being fair" to one person is "being unfair" to another one, so I guess there is a balance in life and stuff. It just kind of sucks when you're on the other end of the balancing scale and stuff...

I wonder were all that "inner strength" comes from. you know how people tell you, "you're strong, you can make it....you have that inner strength" or something like that....where does that inner strength come from and where can you buy more of it?! *laughs* If only I could buy more of it.

I wonder who is is that plays with your emotions. I know that you supposedly have control over your emotions, but sometimes it just gets out of hand ,and then you do stuff that you regret, or not...but why does it get out of hand, when for the longest time you had control over it and stuff.

I wonder why parents always want "the best for their kids..." but when you ask them what the best if for us, it usually has something to do with money....like what is best for us would make us "financially stable." Maybe whatever they want for us IS the best for us...FINANCIALLY...but what about everything else...like emotionally and stuff.

I wonder what makes emotions. Like if you hurt yourself physically, you for the most part can hear...most times. For crying out loud, you can put a bandaid on it, kiss it, and it's "all bette now." But when you get emotionally hurt or your feelings hurt...how do you kiss and make that all better?

I wonder what "I love you" really means? I mean, to everyone it means something different. When someone tells me "I love you" and then they do something to hurt me--like betray me or lie to me, I question...is that love?...if it is...I want nothing to do with it.

I wonder what it means to miss someone. Where those words just made up to make someone else feel wanted for the time being? What does it mean?! It implies that you think about them...but do you really? Are they just words of lies...or just something to fill the silence?

I wonder what makes a person say things. Yeah, I talk a lot, but that's because I like to share. And if you notice, I like to share a lot of things...my words and stories being one of those "a lot of things." But for other people, what makes them say things? Words have so much power and I think that people don't really know that.

I wonder how a person can feel so many different things at the same time, but yet still understand why they feel those many those many things. I'm happy that I have a family, but I'm sad that I disappoint them. I'm excited for the end of this semester, but I'm scared because of what might not happen. I love the people who are in my life, but I hurt because of them.

I wonder if there is anyone out there who means what they say. It kind of sucks because I even questin God about that. Like, I have a lot of people saying that they "are always there for me, no matter what time, no matter what day, no matter what..."but yet, when I need them, they are no where to be found...or they leave me.

I wonder if it's possible to cry so much that you have no more tears in you. I mean, these past 5 weeks I'm so swear I've cried so much when I'm alone here in my room...and it's not like I want too, it's just that the tears of anger, frustration, stress, sickness, confusion, and tiredness just comes when I least expect it...and I wonder when they will ever stop.

I wonder if you can still mean your smile when you're sad. I don't like fake people...but yet, I know when I'm sad, i can still muster u that smile to let people know that "everything is going to be okay." And I really do mean the smile, I really do. Because I'm the kind of girl who likes to smile at people so that they can know that someone cares and stuff...but if I'm sad, does it still count?

I wonder if just because you give up, does that still mean that you're a quitter? Hm...maybe saying "give up" should be changed to "doing something different" or something like  that. But what if you don't want to quite, but you realize that you're working for nothing, so you change your plans, does that mean you still are a quitter?

I wonder if you do quit, does that mean you are a loser? Like , will you always be quitting everything that you do...making you a loser in everything you do?

I wonder how you can live the life you want, without disappointing other. I really wonder this, because it seems as if I'm always disappointing people and yet, I'm still not happy, because I'm still trying to please them...something that can never happen, and I guess this just makes me stupid now because I realize this, but I'm still trying. But I know that if I stop trying, them I'm stopping my attempt of being happy.

I wonder if you can still claim to be happy when deep down inside you know that you're not. At least, not happy with yourself...but you're happy in general.

I wonder if I have to continue having to do this because the one person you don't want to disappoint will be disappointed yet again if you don't. But what if continuing to do this kills me, maybe [well, I know] not physically...but in everything else.

I wonder if believing in love is another blind leap of faith. Because you know what everyone says love is, you know what the dictionary says about it...but when it's implied to you, it's everything but what everyone says and what the dictionary says...but you still believe in it because of what you believe it could be.

I wonder why people believe that the blood of Christ has save saved all of humankind, but yet, whe you see your own blood, it's a "bad thing"...I mean it saves you, right? It might not shave saved the whole of humankind, but it saved you for the time being. And that's what matters, right?

I wonder why I feel so different here than I do at home. I'm suppose to be one person, right? But why is it when I'm here I' nothing like I am at home, and when I'm at home, I'm truly much more happier...but I can't stay at home.

I wonder why being hurt emotionally can't just be the same as being hurt physically. It would make life so much easier. But I hate how emotionally it takes forever, if ever, to heal...when physically, it does heal with time--something that when you're hurt emotionally it doesn't apply.

I wonder if you can truly disappear. I mean, as long as someone remembers you, you can't disappear, unless you mess with their mind and make them think that you were only a dream or something. But I wonder if it's possible to disappear.

I wonder why people say, "sticks and stones can break my bones, but words  can never hurt me," when it's not true. I think words are the most powerful things that can hurt you.

I wonder who made it so that money is a big motivating factor in a person's life. Why couldn't it be something like happiness or something that money can't buy.

I wonder why people assume things a lot. And expect things a lot. And if they don't get it, they are disappointed. Like they assume that you are okay...but when you're not they "have to" sit there listening to all your woes and stuff...when in reality you were just supper to say, "I'm good."

I wonder why people even bother asking how you are when they don't want to or even care what your answer is...as long as it's "I'm fine."

I wonder why people like to pretend they know how you feel...when no one knows how you really, truly feel...yeah, I think that people could know how you might feel...but that's about it--since everyone is unique.

I wonder why people think they are so great and mighty and that everyone should always admire them and praise them...what makes people think like that? And then when you don't think like that, they cap on you and make your life miserable. Who put them on the pedestal?

I wonder why there are people who keep holding on, when they know that they prolly are holding on to nothing in the end.

I wonder why it's so hard to tell someone how you really feel...

I wonder why people like to make other people feel like crap...and have no conscious about it.

I wonder what changes a person's mind.

Believe.

Friday, as I was about to walk out of the door to go do zumba with my friend, my phone rings. It's an "unknown" number, so I wonder if I should even pick up the phone. I pick up...and guess what?! It was the preschool that I had interviewed for the other day! They were wanting me to come in for a second interview! At first I was so anxious and nervous...because was that a good or bad thing?! The second interview?!

So, I called my friend and asked her if we could meet up later, and I explained to her why. She was super excited for me and said that it WAS a good thing! So I went back into my closet to figure out what to wear. All this time, though, my mind was working and thinking and trying to analyze every possible situation that could happen.

"Sorry we can not hire you as a teacher" were the first words out of the interviewer's mouth after the initial greeting. My heart fell, but I'm pretty sure I didn't show the disappointment in my face. Then Charlotte [the interviewer] smiled really big told me that they were willing to open a teacher's aid position and hire me as a teacher's aid. Then she went on to say that she would like  to bump me up as a teacher in August, if that was okay with me. Turns out she had already hired a person for the job that I was seeking for, but she wanted me on team coz she liked my "naturally smiling face"...which she kept repeating over and over, again and again! Weird. Awkward. Uhm...oh okay. But hey, it's my "naturally smiling face" that pulled in my favor! I start tomorrow. So, yes, I am excited.

Later that day, I met up with my Ohana for our weekly Friday family nights. This time it was at Magic Island near Ala Moana Beach in Waikiki. A lot of people ended up showing up. And I had a lot of fun talking and meeting a lot of people.

Saturday was a good day as well. I met up with my friends and since our marine friend was going to be going to the Big Island for 3 weeks, we went out and played Miniature Golf in Kaneohe...and it was SO MUCH FUN! Super fun...! I love my friends. Oh yeah, I can't forget, we always go to the beach first though. I guess that is our Saturday thing, after church, we go to the beach. And then I found out that my favorite shave ice place was open again [they were remodeling the place for the longest time!] and so we went to Island Snow to get our shave ice and went miniature golfing and then hung out at Tracy and Kaleo's house. So much fun...I love my friends.

Sunday. I have so much to do, so I will start doing all those "so much to do" things!

"I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happiest girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles." -Audrey Hepburn

No regrets.

I could NOT sleep last night. At. All. Not fun. But it gave me time to think about a lot of things. A lot of random things. Which is one of the reasons why I like to keep my phone on, so if anyone was stuck in that situation-too many things in their mind so they can't sleep- they know they can call me and get it all out so that they can go to sleep with an empty mind.

I'm kind of bummed coz it's a pretty gloomy day today...and it's actually "cold"...and I was planning to go swimming at Lanikai beach with my friend. But that's canceled, so it's zumba time for us! *laughs* Then shopping. Fun. :) I'm not really a shopper, but I'm all down for going out and spending some time with people. So I'm going out.

So, yesterday I went to this interview at this preschool down the street from where I live. And even though I love LOVE working in the wedding/event industry, I also love working with kids. And if I could work at both places [Yay! More money to save! :)], I would be living what I want to be living...working in the wedding industry AND working with kids. Two things that I love. So, I'm really hoping to get that phone call that tells me that I got the job. That would be just so awesome. :)

My sister made blueberry muffins the other day. And right now, I'm craving for one. I love blueberries. I love the smell of the house when she bakes. She actually made two different kind of muffins...blueberry muffins and chocolate chip muffins. SOO yummy! I just hate all the washing of the dishes! Oh mandope, I don't like washing the dishes...and this time around she didn't use any of those cupcake paper cups in the muffin tins...so it was a PAIN to wash! She claims to not like using those paper cup thingys coz she was making muffins...NOT cupcakes. *laughs* Oh welll, I would MUCH rather wash the dishes than take the trash out. There is something about the trash, especially the one in the kitchen, that I HATE touching...especially when there is something leaking from it...*shivers* EW!!

So I was looking up quote pictures on google yesterday and let me share with you a few...

 I wonder when I will meet this person. This person who will do all of this. I'm not looking, I'm just wondering. :)

 A quote I like to live by. I LOVE to dance! Yep, I do...but I know that I'm not the best dancer out there...but I still love to dance silly like a rockstar in my room when I'm playing my favorite song. Same goes with singing...in my room, in the shower, when I'm alone, I'm anyone I want to be...and I'm a rockstar! *laughs*  I do love. I'm the most loving person I know...well, maybe not...but I still love, even if you hurt me. "Live as though heaven is on earth." Enough said.

 I would NEVER want to be perfect. Everyone looking up to you. I would be way too afraid to live life coz I would be too scared to make a mistake and everyone cap you on that. The imperfectness of a person is who makes them who they are.

Life is short. Or long...whichever you think it is...it's one of the other [but I guess it can be in between *laughs*]....but live your life coz no matter how long or short you think it is, you only have one. And if you believe in re-incarnation, you still only have one as who you are now. So do what you want to do, and live life. 

"NEVER regret anything that made you smile."

Risk.

I just got off the phone with a really good friend of mine and I've realized several things while I was on the phone with him 1) long distance sucks...2) life has its own sense of humor...and 3) real friends tell you the truth...the honest-it-can-hurt-you truth. Not some sugar-coated BS.

Long distance does suck...but what is life without any risks? I took a risk moving out of my "comfort zone" to make myself another "comfort zone" and I am not turning back. I love it here...and I call this place my home. But I have found out long ago that no matter where I go in the world I will miss someone. That is a given.

Sometimes I try to prepare myself from all the pain and hurt it takes from missing someone and try NOT to make friends...but where is the fun in that. Friends come and friends go, and you take what you get. I can honestly say that every person that I have met in my life has had some kind of impact on me. Whether it was good, bad, inspirational, or what--they had an impact on my life. And I will always and forever appreciate that. I do wish that I had kept in touch more with some of the friends that I had back then...for some, it's already to late, and others, there's nothing better then the present; and I'm trying.

I'm always going to be "long distance" from someone; it's just a fact of life that I have to deal with. But like my friend reminded me, "Missing someone gets easier everyday. Because, even though it is one day further from the last time you saw each other, it is one day closer to the next time you will." I have to constantly remind myself, that if you care enough, you WILL find time to make time for someone...so to those of you that I miss, I will see you again.

Life has its own sense of humor. That one saying that goes..."If life throws lemons at you..." and you can fill in the blank with that one. But that is how life is, right?! It does throw lemons at you and it will always be a character builder. I realize that with everything that happens in life, it will either strengthen your character...or reveal a new one that you never knew you had! Like someone told me, if you pray for patience, you better be prepared to face the consequences! Because life will throw you ridiculous situations to help you develop the patience you so seek for. :) Life and it's humor...

Real friends tell you the truth...the honest-it-can-hurt-you truth. Not some sugar-coated BS. Please, just please tell me the real truth. That's all I ask and that is all that I will give. I do have a sweet tooth. Goodness, I have a sweet tooth. But seriously, I take my truth "black". No added sweetness necessary. Just tell me how it is or go away. I only want real people in my life. Not some "yes man" that only lives in a sugar-coated world.

Well, there is my two cents for the day! Off to work I go!

Risk: "When we meet someone and fall in love, we have a sense that the whole universe is on our side... And yet if something goes wrong, there is nothing left! How is it possible for the beauty that was there only minutes before to vanish so quickly? Life moves very fast. It rushes from heaven to hell in a matter of seconds." -The Alchemist [From Maria's Diary.]

Change.

So, thirty-seven minutes past midnight I get jolted out of a sweet dream by my phone ringing. I like to leave my phone on...you know, just in case someone needs me or something. So I look at my phone to see who it could be and the word "withhold" nearly blinds my sleep-sensitive eyes. Should I pick up the phone?! Should I not?! I mean, if the person really needed to talk, why would they "withhold" their number?! Oh well, what the h, I picked up the phone, and here is what took place

Me: [I barely croak out a sleepy] Hello?!
Person on phone: [Happily as if wide awake]: Hey!
  (awkward silence)
Me: May I please know who this is?!
Person on phone: Is this Taco Bell...?
Me: [confused and wondering if I'm dreaming] uhm...no...
Person on phone: THIS is Taco Bell...what would you like to order?

I then look crazily at my phone, still confused whether or not I'm dreaming, hang up and try to go back to sleep. But by then, I'm more awake then not and curiosity is nearly killing me. WTH was that?! Taco Bell?! I mean, was I so sleepy that I didn't hear right?! No, I'm pretty sure they said, "Taco Bell." Why would Taco Bell be calling me at 37 minutes past midnight...then I came to the conclusion...prank call.

Oh okay, so I have had my shares of getting prank calls and also delivering a few prank calls myself...but come on, NEVER at such an awkward time! And I haven't done any since I was way back in what?! Highschool?! "Withheld"...I guess they are fun, and harmless...but it was so bazaar that it even happened! Well, I guess not, I think my half-asleep brain was trying to analyze something so trivial when I should have just brushed it off and went back to sleep. *laughs* This morning I wake up and wonder, did that even happen?! I check my phone and yes, there it is Mr. "withheld" who did indeed call at 12:37am.

Now, I'm taking a walk down Memory Lane and remembering the times when I use to get get with the guys and do prank calls with them. They were hilarious [and at decent times!]. It's funny how life just goes along and you go along with it and at some random time you turn around just to see where you've gone and you're like "wow!, I'm here! How did I get here?!" People tell you all the time that every decision that you make brings you down a different road until you get where you are.

Playing the "what if" game is pointless too, but I know that I'm guilty of playing that game at times..."What if I never went to the Philippines?!", "What if I stayed in California?!", "What if I had gotten married?!", "What if...?!", "What if...?!", "What if...?!" I don't know what would have happened...and I will never know what happen...so I just gotta keep moving on and see what my choices right now has done to my life.

So Facebook is the newest social network craze right now...and yes, I am on Facebook...but as I was reading through my friends updated status, I came across one from my friend. He just found out that his girlfriend was cheating on him, but he still loves her [interesting how that goes...], and he posted this up

‎"No matter how much you've change, you still have to pay the price for the thing's you've done"

I like it. And it's so true. People change, but you still have to deal with what you've done before you changed. It's kind of like that TV show Samantha Who? It's about this girl, named Samantha, who got hit by a car and has amnesia. She is now a girl that's super sweet, and has a conscious. She doesn't ignore people and she isn't the "bitch" that she was before. But people still react to her as if she was, and she has to deal with it. She still has to "pay the price for" what she was before. Even though she doesn't even remember it. 

Well, on that note, I must be getting ready for work now, so I'm out!!

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."