Thursday, January 22, 2009

call me, or I guess I can call you!!


Okay, this is going to be really really quick…because I’m juss superness excitedness…so I finally got the phone that my mom said that she would send me…and so now you…yep YOU can call me, or I can call you for free…oh wait, only if you live in the States or in Canada…but it’s all good, because that’s who I wanna be calling…and plus I still have my cell phone here so I can call people here…but now I can juss call home without spending a fortune and stuff! And it can last more than a few minutes! My Auntie Boots has one and when I was trying it out, it sounded like I can juss jump in a car and go over or something…that was how clear it was and I can talk for however long I want…now I juss gotta see if the internet can work where I live now…because it was for awhile…but then it didn’t…but then I heard that they put up a new satellite thingy thing-thing so that I can get the internet, which I will find out if I can do. I’m so excited because I miss home so much…good thing I still have the numbers of you guys…so hopefully, if you didn’t change your number, I can get a hold of you…jejeje…telebabad! Jejeje…naw, I’m not like that…I like face-to-face talk…but then I guess talking on the phone is better since I know that a lot of you guys don’t like to write much…yep, I’m excited. 

Well, I juss got back from class, and Eddie wants to go to Paseo in a few mintues, so I need to get out of my uniform…jejeje…so I saw Chris and Jo and they were on Chris’s bike and she offered me a ride…uhm…I’m wearing a skirt…and the slit is all the way up to …uhm..yeah *laughs* but it was all good, no?! Jejeje…Jo was on the bike already so we had to hella be smushed up on the bike, it was funny…me straddling the motorbike…*laughs* oh well, adventure, adventure, adventure…(Yo’ Chris (Kiss-baby), you still gotta take me a ride on your bike!...when I get home though, ya?!)

Oh okay…I need to go and get myself all dolled up now…I’m going into town, baby! *laughs* 

I love you and miss you all much…and I can’t wait to talk to you again! (ahhh! My kitty is licking my arm…and he have a funny feeling tongue *laughs*)

*hugs*

“Just a thought: People maybe doubt what you say, but they’ll always believe in what you do. ‘Well done’ is better than ‘well said.’”
*dances away* (goodness, I’m hyper!)

lalalalalaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!


So yesterday I woke up hella early to get all my interviews in for my psychological testing class…so I got all but one interview done. And since I got done with the interviews earlier than I wanted, and since I was by the soccer field, I ended up watching my friends play a match…it was the semi-finals match, and yep, my team won! It was the All Stars vs. Alpha, yeah, I was going for the All Stars…I didn’t stay for the whole game, because I’m the chica that actually likes to cheer loud…but yeah, all the soccer games that I have gone too here in the Philippines were so quiet, and its like you’re not suppose to cheer…and I didn’t really know anyone…juss the players…*laughs* So I only stayed for the first half…then I went back to my apartment, and since it was hella hot, I was like, I’m going to break dress code and wear “summer clothes”…it was like summer anyways…and so I was hella hot and stuff…and then as I was going to find something to do, my neighbor saw me and told me that he was going to watch a movie with his friend who was already there, and to come in to watch the movie with them…at first I was like…uhm…I’m not going in their to mess up your game! And for all I know that chica that he had in his place (and I know that chica had been in his apartment for a couple hours because I actually was out in the balcony thingy throwing a football with another neighbor when Achalu came home with her and introduced her to me.) yeah, I don’t know if she likes him or not and I didn’t want to mess up anything something like that…so I told him that I’ll come over “later” or something, but then he hella was insisting or something like that…and so I pop in to say wassup to the chica to gage her reaction if I stayed…she seemed cool with it, but then, I’m a girl so I don’t know what she was feeling inside, because she could juss be trying to be nice to me since yeah…anyways…she nice and stuff…and Achula kept insisting…and so yeah…I ended up staying. But then my other friend who was also bored and needed to vent kept calling me, so I ended up leaving anyways, because she kept calling me…and then finally when I got Achalu to answer my phone…he told her that I was “in the bathroom” and I don’t know what she said, but he told her that I’ll meet up with her in 2 minutes! Ended up she came over to my place…so the stuff that I had I left in Achalu’s place and we stayed out in the balcony talking, talking…she was teaching me dance steps, she was showing me her new dance steps that she was learning…and we took hella pictures. *laughs* Oh but she had a lot to talk about, and I was juss the listening ear, and since we are sorta ishy ish-ish the same…we broke up the serious talk by randomly doing other stuff…but seriously, we like stayed out there in my balcony for almost like half the day…yeah, she had a lot of talking to do. It’s all good…we laughed a lot, and she was still there when the stars came out, and so we were looking at the stars.

Our friend Christine’s birthday is coming up soon…and Jo wants to throw a surprise party for her…and if all goes well, it should work out…the only thing that I’m kinda not sure about is my school schedule. It’s going to be a weekend thingy…but my teachers are being a pain and planning things on the weekend…ALL WEEKEND….from Friday-Sunday…every weekend…and so I don’t know…and the thing is they don’t tell us these stuff until the weekend is already here…so it’s hard to plan anything…because I don’t know if there is class or a “weekend retreat” (The weekend retreats are the worst…because basically it goes like this…after my class on Friday’s, which is suppose to end at 4.pm…doesn’t end until 6.pm though!...we have some time to go back home and get everything we need…food, clothes, shower stuff, and all our school work for whatever class that we’re doing the “weekend retreat” thingy…and then we go back to the psychology department and stay there for the whole weekend STUDYING…and we’re not allowed to go back to our places until the weekend is up…talk about another form of torture!!) And yeah, sometimes they plan the weekend retreats sometimes you don’t know they are coming. And we can’t miss a “class” because the teachers will fail you and you have to either drop the class or continue with the class and know that you are going to get a low grade…messed up, I know. 

But anyways, I really wanna go to Chris’s surprise party, because it’s going to be fun…since I have been “withdrawing” from that group for awhile, there are new people that I haven’t met…me and Jo planned to rent out a condo for the weekend…cook dinner there and fix up the place…and then when night time hits…we go out and do the night life and stuff…and I was telling Jynny and Joyness that I really wanted to go dancing again to get out all the pent up emotions that I have been carrying in for a time…oh and maybe to flirt with guys. *laughs* naw, I don’t flirt…but it’s okay to look, right?! *laughs* But juss to go all out fun and not have to worry about school or anything. And Jo mentioned some clubs that I haven’t been to yet, and so I wanna check them out too…it has been over a year since I last went clubbing though…didn’t really feel like going anymore…but then, I wanna have fun and I don’t wanna think about anything, but to be with friends and juss have fun.

You know, I remember when I first came here to the Philippines…the very first time…the time where I was suppose to go here because I was curious about the country, and my mom wanted me to go visit her family…and juss it was not suppose to be a long-term thing and it was suppose to be for “fun”…basically it was suppose to be an experience learning-wise and not school-wise…I remember it was really hard because I loved to travel, but the longest that I was away from home up to that point was only 3 months or something…this was a 10 month thingy…and 10 months is a long time when you step out of your comfort zone…when you go somewhere you have no idea about but the stories that your parents tell you about…when you don’t even know what to expect or anything…but I love to try new things, and I love to travel…and my guy at that time was encouraging me…and that he’ll be there when I come back and he will be there for me while I’m gone…the hardest two things for me was leaving my guy and leaving Rosemarie…because goodness…I love that girl. Well, I love everyone, but how I figured, everyone else was old enough to know what I was doing, and that I wasn’t leaving them…but Rose was 5 and she didn’t really understand…and I knew that I was going to miss her something bad…and my sister said that she has only seen me cry…hyperventalling-like twice…the first time I was cheated on, and then when I was saying goodbye to my “special friend” when it was time to leave to the Philippines. So yeah…what is it that guys do to me that they make me cry?! *laughs* Anyways…I remember my cousin telling me…”Che, if you can, forget about us. Because you know that we all here are going to be okay, and that we will be here when you come back, and when you need us, you know that you can call us…but I do hope that for the next 10 months you will forget us…because you “miss” too much.” And basically she was telling me that, she knew that if I was missing them, and if I was juss remembering everything that I had going for me while I was home, then my experience in the Philippines would be a bad one, and she knew it somehow, so she was telling me to forget them for 10 months…but I couldn’t do that. And I still can’t do it. 

Whenever I hear from home, I feel a twist in my heart…whenever I get a message from my Baby-girl…”Auntie, I miss you.” I juss wanna go to her and juss give her a big hug and tell her that I never left. Whenever I get a text telling me that I’m missed and I’m remembered…yeah, it makes me smile and it makes my day, but it also makes me remember that person and everything that we went through and stuff. And there are so many times where I wanna do something…random…and no one here don’t wanna go with me…and it’s not that fun when you’re alone…and I can think of a few people at home that I can juss call up and they will be down for it. And it’s hard and stuff…
So why am I here?! I really don’t know. I think that my time here is up though…but I don’t know…I really don’t know…I don’t think that I wanna be in CA right now though, because I don’t wanna deal with all the questions if I go home now. But I think I have a plan…a crazy plan *laughs* but a plan…but I really miss home…
Oh man-dope! My friend texted me that she wants to film a video…so I gotta go now…I miss you all so much, don’t ever forget that…and I love you.
*hugs*
“If I were boy, I think I could understand…how it feels to love a girl, I swear I’d be a better man. I’d listen to her…cause I know how it hurts…when you lose the one you wanted, because she’s taking you for granted and everything you had got destroyed. It’s a little to late for you to come back, say it was just a mistake to think I would forgive you like that, if you think that I’d wait for you, you got it wrong, but you’re juss a boy. You don’t understand…how it feels to love a girl, someday you wish you were a better man, you don’t listen to her! You don’t care how it hurts…until you lose the one you wanted, cause you’ve taken her for granted and everything you had got destroyed…but you’re juss a boy…” If I Were A BoyBeyonce

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

The One I Gave My Heart To


Good-morning everyone…I can’t believe that today is actually Wednesday…at times it seems that time is going so slow and other times it’s going pretty fast…it’s funny how life can do that to time. Like, you know how they say to forget something, you have to keep busy…well, I have been keeping more busy…and so yeah, that is passing the time…but night times are the hardest…when there is nothing to do but to think and wonder “what if” questions…do you know what I’m saying?
Yesterday started pretty early for me, and I was talking with my friend and he was telling me one of the worst things in the world is going to sleep because for some reason you want the unconscious feeling so that you would forget juss for a moment your “negative emotions” even though you know in the morning when you wake up, it’s going to be there, but for that short bit of time, at least you are oblivious to your pain or whatever you go through and then when you wake up, you feel a lot better and you feel in a good mood, maybe your dream was a good dream, maybe since you were “knocked out” for some time, you juss forgot consciously for that moment all those “negative emotions” when you first woke up…and then it hits you hard that feeling you so wanted to forget…yeah, that feeling really sucks…I guess you juss have to take deep breaths and psych yourself that you can do it, you can get through the day. Yeah, yesterday was that for me…and the days before that…and today.
I’m thinking that I’m on the border like of losing it. *laughs* my neighbor was telling me that I get “mad” more easily now…I might now show it, but I guess he can tell…I remember I use to get upset because people juss assume that I was “mad” when I juss didn’t feel like talking or singing or something…because I’m usually doing one of those stuff…and then it would irritate me because people would say that I was giving attitude…what?! Because I wasn’t talking or something?! And then I would think, my brother could go all day without saying a single word…or a week with only like 10 words or something, and no one would think twice about his silence…so why was it different from me. But I guess I can see now…
But at home, I would rarely get mad…I would get passionate about certain things….negatively…*laughs* but I wouldn’t be mad per say…more like…hm…how do you say this…like I know that I have the personality that juss naturally looks for the good in things and not really outwardly dwell on the negative, unless it’s really, really bad. (oh! It’s so cute! I think my Buba (my Tubbykins) has hiccups! I didn’t know kitties can have hiccups!) But for the most part, I was a pretty positive, optimistic chica…then I come here, and now wow, I don’t know what’s going on! *laughs*
So I was asking my friend, did he change when he gets here…(he’s from Ethiopia)…like if I met him in his country, would I be meeting the same person that I was meeting now…and he was like saying that he was different when he was at home. We always tell each other that we don’t tell each other everything, and he was telling me that he does things that he isn’t ashamed of, but things that he hopes that I never find out and stuff…and I respect that, we all have our private lives and stuff…and I tell him that there are things in my life that no one knows about. But he was telling me that I had that thing about me that makes him be more protective around me (*rolls eyes* I guess that’s a good thing…but I wish I knew what that “thing” was, because juss because *laughs*) and so yeah…he’s a lot different at home…and I told him the same thing. He is actually one of the few guys that can see through my smiles, and he gets mad at me if he knows I’m upset about something and I’m “acting” like it’s all good—
Juss to clarify things, if things are going shit around me, I choose to be in a good mood because I don’t like to dwell on the bad…so I’m not “acting” I’m real.
Moving on to other things now…*laughs* So, yesterday started really early for me, and then more “drama” with my psychology teachers, which I won’t get into, so that was until 12.pm…basically I knew that I needed to juss not deal with that for the moment…and so my friend told me that I juss needed to forget it for the day since nothing can happen with that…so I came home, and I saw my cousins…and it sucks for him because he has class from 6.30am until 7.am with one 1hour break from 12.00-1.pm…and I saw him then, and so I went over to his place and he gave me histheadoboboys (oh by the way, if anyone was wondering, yes someone hacked into their website page thingy, and yes they deleted all their video’s and yes there is nothing left there…but don’t worry, my cousin said that when he has time, he’ll fix up another one.) movies and I grabbed his football, because I really wanted to juss throw the ball around…juss because. But I knew that he couldn’t play with me since I knew that he was tired and he wanted to eat and take a nap before he had to go back to class…so I live around a lot of guys…and it’s not that hard to learn…so yeah, I played 3 flies up with the boys in my apartment complex…obviously I’m short and so I never really got the ball, but it was all good, I still had fun and afterwards the guys took turns juss playing catch with me. *laughs*
Then when my arm started to get too sore and my hand hurt…come on! It was a guys football! And my hand is small! *laughs*…oh goodness, I was so scared that one of the boys were going to break their fingers! *laughs* or at least sprain them…!...I cleaned my apartment out, sorta. *laugsh* and then I watched movies that Eddie gave me. Then when 5.pm hit, Achalu and I went to the school gym to sign in for the attendance (yeah, we have to sign for attendance for sports game *rolls eyes* only says that the even is so boring that they make it a requirement!)…we were only planning to go sign our name and stuff…but I get there, and I saw a lot of people I knew and I ended up talking and meeting up with a lot of them, because every time me and Achalu tried to go back to our apartments, someone would text me or yell at me to stay for a second. I ended up going back to my apartment, and then have to come back to the gym…Achalu came with me since it was dark by then.
Anyways…supposedly my teachers see me as a “bad student” and an “irresponsible” student now since my teachers are hating on me for something they won’t tell me for, and I have a hard time saying sorry for something I don’t know what I’m suppose to say sorry for. I even confronted them and asked my teachers what was up and why their attitude has changed towards me…and they said, nothing…uhm…I’m not stupid, I can tell if someone is hating on me! My teachers are making me go through this behavioral modification therapy…because supposedly I procrastinate, don’t exercise, don’t eat healthy, I’m irresponsible, basically a “bad” student and person as a whole or something like that. But it’s really funny though, because the chica who has to give me the therapy is having trouble because she has interviewed my classmates and friends…and they have all said that I don’t procrastinate, in fact I turn in my stuff either on time or even early. And the chica sees me go jogging every night, and when she was interviewing me yesterday, Achalu was with me, and when she asked me what other stuff I do to exercise and he was like telling her that I work-out with him and our other friend nearly every night since last year. Other interviews that she had with other people was that as a leader, a friend, a student their perception is that I’m responsible and stuff…my landlady says I’m responsible with how I live and with my payments…but I do admit that I don’t eat the healthiest…I don’t eat when I’m stressed or sad or mad…or something like that…I guess that’s the way you can tell I’m upset since I don’t show it. So I give her that, I’m not eating healthy. So now I’m wondering why I was referred for behavior modification…I’m not perfect, I’m far from perfect…I wouldn’t mind if I was going through behavior modification for the way I express my “negative” feelings, since I juss keep them in…I know it’s not healthy, I don’t know what else to do with it, or something like how to NOT say “yes” all the time…well most times…oh okay, all the time. *laughs* Well, I juss thought it was funny…the interview was informal, since it was done in the gym…and I knew hella people…and I was pretty hyper and restless…and even the chica who was interviewing me was juss telling me to write down my answers instead of saying them out loud…so while I was writing she was talking with her friends, and Achalu was with me so I was talking with him…and it was more like, how much does he know about me, so with the questions I would ask him what my answers would be. *laughs* And for some reason my friends would come up to me to tickle me…to make me scream or something …*shrugs shoulders* it was really informal, so yeah…
Then Achalu asked me to go with him to the African Week of Prayer…I didn’t really want to go, I stopped going to church, something that I do miss doing…but I hate being judged and I hate being stared at…and so I don’t go to the church here…but he was telling me that it was different because this is the African Church and stuff…I’ve gone to the African church before and they are more like my style of worship and stuff…but I didn’t want to go, but he pointed out that I would juss be staying in my apartment by myself, and he knew that I didn’t want to do that. So I said that I would go with him. But we went back to our apartments first because he wanted to drink coffee first…it was dark…the stars were out, but the moon wasn’t visible. So I didn’t want to go the shortcut way because it was already really dark and the shortcut way the grass is high (way taller than me) and it’s scary at night, but it was the super short cut way, and Achalu was there, so we were walking there using our cell phones for night…he was talking so that I wouldn’t pay attention to how dark it was and I was juss concentrating on the ground where our cellphone lights were shining…when all of a sudden this guy in black came towards us and I hella froze and yeah…I think I scared the poor guy even more. *laughs* And that guy told me to “not drink coffee” and I was like “what?!?” After the moment it was funny. *laughs* but anyways, we got to our apartment, he went into his apartment, but I juss stayed out in our balcony and looked for shooting stars because I knew that if I went in to my apartment, then I wouldn’t feel like going to his week of prayer anymore…he brought out coffee and we drank it…and then we went to his Week of Prayer…
I actually really liked it a lot. I miss that spiritual high that I would get when I was at home. I knew some other African’s there, and so it was good to see them…the talk was about grabbing that golden opportunity when it comes because it might be the only chance you got. It was good. And I loved the music. I’m glad that I went.
Well, I got things to do today, so I better go now. Oh yeah, I saw my friend today for the first time since last year…she had visited the States (after being here for nearly 10 years!)…and she saw my family…and she was catching me up with them…and she was telling me that she spent time with my “Baby-love” and I really miss that girl a lot. Goodness I miss that baby girl a lot…*laughs* yeah, she isn’t a baby anymore…but she will always be Baby Girl to me. I miss my family more than anything…*nostalgic feelings*

Well, I love you all a lot and I miss you when I don’t see you…
*hugs and kisses*
“How could the one I gave my heart too break my heart so bad, how could the one who made me happy make me feel so sad, won’t somebody tell me, so I can understand, if you love me, how could you hurt this heart of mine, tell me. How could you be so cold to me when I’ve you gave everything, all my love, all I had inside…how could you juss walk out the door, how could you not love me anymore…I thought we had forever, I can’t understand…how could the one I shared my dreams with take my dream from me, how could the love that brought such pleasure, bring such misery…” The One I Gave My Heart Too—Aaliyah (awww…I miss her singing.)

Monday, January 19, 2009

Interesting...


.. ..Wow…today was a pretty interesting day. So this week is intramurals week…so basically sports week. I so wanted to play volleyball, but then, my Psychology teachers told me that we were going to have class all week instead of being able to join in the sports and stuff…yeah, my personal opinion on all that is that THAT’S NOT RIGHT, MAN! But then I was like, oh okay, I won’t play volleyball…ended up they cancelled my class today [ugh…I hate Mondays!] and so I decided to go to the gym to socialize and to get out of my apartment…and it was actually pretty interesting. So I have been withdrawing from the world in general…and I knew that I needed to stop that. I saw my “friends” that I haven’t seen in such a long time…and they were like, “Char! You’re alive!” *laughs* I’m not THAT depressed and down that I would take my own life…! That is NOT an option with me. And I met hella new people…and it was juss a fun day. I watch both basketball and volleyball…and yeah…they were hella bumping the music hella loud and the cheerings was even louder…and that’s me…I like to cheer loud…I couldn’t cheer for teams though because I have a lot of friends on both teams that would be playing and so I had to cheer for individual people…*laughs*
.. ..
I remember I use to love watching the boys play sport…back in high school, the guys I dated where the “jocks” *laughs* and so they were always playing some sport and since I was big into sports as well, it was something in common and stuff…and I remember I would juss go and watch my “man” play…and juss cheer hella loudly and juss have so much fun. Oh goodness…Leah-girl…this chica is crazy and I remember got in trouble because we were cheering too loud in the gym?! Uhm…what is that?! Who gets in trouble for cheering to loud…?! But anyways, we did…*laughs* I guess we were louder than that fog horn that one lady brought! I miss highschool…I had an awesome highschool life. *laughs* and then in college in the States…oh man, that was fun…going to the sports events and cheer for my friends…meet people....see “eye-candy” *laughs* oh man…I miss that. And today juss reminded me of those many basketball, volleyball, football, softball games and tournaments I use to go on and go too…and wow…*laughs*
.. ..
One sport I do wish that I learned is soccer…I think that ice hockey would have been fun too. *laughs* But soccer would have been a cool sport to learn…maybe I still can…
.. ..
I think I need a massage…naw, I take that back…I KNOW I need a massage! *laughs* I think its about time I hit the spa…and juss pamper myself. I know that I have hella knots in my back from all the stress and juss because I’ve juss been so tense and stuff…I think a full body massage will do me some good. Oh problem though, I’m hella ticklish…I remember when I was getting a massage from this one masseuse person thingy thing-thing and goodness gracious, it was everything in me not to burst out laughing…she kept telling me relax…but I was juss trying to hard not to laugh…yep, I can feel the knots in my back shoulders…!
.. ..
I wanna go bowling. That was one thing that I didn’t get to fit in when I was home last October…I didn’t get to go bowling. I need to cut my nails though, so that I won’t break them and stuff…[don’t think I’m that girlie girl though, I couldn’t care less if I break a nail, but sometimes it breaks in a odd angle and it bleeds…especially when I’m bowling]…but I think that is something that I want to do when I get home. I wonder if I can talk my parents into letting me go home this “summer” [March-June] I need this long break…I really need it so bad. I know that I was home last October…but I was in and down from my sister’s and parents place…and I didn’t even get to spend much time with my brotherhood…and so, I really wanna go home. I wish that I can spend my birthday at home. Birthday’s here suck shit. Maybe if I can go home this summer…I can take the long way home and stop by Hawaii and see my sister and brother-in-law…it’s been awhile since I’ve been there anyways. Maybe I can hit up ....Florida.... too…see my family there too….*laughs* hey, who said that it was bad to dream?! *laughs*
.. ..
Oh my friend gave me this one quote last week out of the blue and it really make me think… “God doesn’t give you people you want, He gives you people you NEED – to help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you, to make you into the person you were meant to be.” You know me, I love quotes and sayings that have a lot of sayings…and I really like this one…because sometimes things happen in your life…and people come into your life and your like…why?! Why?! Why?! And you’ll never know why, and you don’t see the full picture…but it made me realize that no, I don’t see the full picture…but maybe the reason why the person came into my life and helped me, hurt me, left me and loved me was because I know that everything that happens in your life forms who you are…and knowing that there is a reason why these people come into your life to help make you into the person you were meant to be…makes my heart hurt a little less…because yeah, who knows…maybe it’ll make me empathize and sympathize better or something. And that’s why one of the reason why I do my absolute best not to judge people and I try to get to know people is because, I never know if I’ll learn something form that person, you know?
.. ..
Here’s another quote that someone gave me last night… “If you are not sure where you stand in someone’s life, it’s best to leave things behind so that if they drop you off, it will be easier to forget them. Don’t waste time waiting for nothing; when efforts are not recognized, it’s best to just give things up. You’ve done your part, let them do theirs.” I truly wish that I got this quote a long time ago…
.. ..
It sucks though, and I really hate hurting people…and I never ever, I couldn’t ever, I’d have the most biggest guilty conscious if I hurt someone intentionally…so I couldn’t even think of it. But the guy who gave me that quote was this guy who has been trying to date me for a long time. It was hard though because he made his intentions known and stuff…but he couldn’t get it through his head that I wasn’t into him the way he was into me…and I was with someone already [when he first tried to get with me]…and he knew it…but I guess he still thought that I would give him a chance…but I’m not that kind of person…I can’t do that to him and to the person I was with. I could only give him my friendship…and it sucks super duper because I guess he wanted more and couldn’t handle the fact that I couldn’t give him more. He was and is a good friend though…I juss hate hurting people…I hate it when they hurt. Fuck, it hurts to be hurt and/or hurting!
Well, I need to go and take a shower…I have a long day tomorrow and I need to go to sleep. I miss you all so much and I love you muchoness!
*hugs*
“Souls in the wind must learn how to bend, seek out a star, hold on to the end…valley, mountain, there is a fountain that washes our tears all away, waves are swaying, someone is praying, please let us come home to stay, if we hold on together, I know out drams will never die…dreams see us through to forever, will clouds roll by for you and I…?” If We Hold On Together

[Transferred from my myspace blog]

I do to hurt...


I hurt too you know. I don’t always have to be so happy all the time, and I don’t always have to show that I’m “okay.” But I choose too, and you know why?! Because I know that juss because I’m having a crap day, juss because everything around me is falling apart, juss because I try so hard to succeed in life and it’s not working out…juss because I have an empty void where my heart use to be…it doesn’t mean that I have to take it out on the people around me. I still smile, because someone else might be having a crap, shit day…and maybe juss maybe my smile, my “hello”, my laughter might give them that much needed boost to get them through the day…no, I’m not conceited, and I’m not saying that I’m better than you because I can choose to be happy when everything is shit around me. No, I’m not plastic or fake…I’m juss me.  To know that other’s are happy…makes me smile, so if I can do something to make you smile, if I can do something to make you laugh, if I can do something to make you happy, then I will do it…but that does NOT mean that I never have problems…that doesn’t mean that I don’t have troubles or trials in life…and it doesn’t mean your words and actions don’t hurt me…it only means that I hide it because that’s who I am and it’s none of you business to know. And for those handful of people who have had the unfortunate “privilege” of hearing or seeing me cry…it will never happen again…I was mistaken and thought you cared enough to see the real “raw” me, underneath the hyper-active, talk-a-tive, out-going, social butterfly chica…obviously I was wrong, and that mistake will not happen again. But know, that I do get my spirits broken, that I do cry… and know that I do hurt. You juss don’t see it.
“The face can speak of a thousand emotions, but it can easily mask what the heart truly feels. Don’t be fooled for the happiest face may be masking the most hurting heart.”

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Sunday, January 18, 2009

Love is suicide…


First of all I want to give a shout out to my friend Steve, Happy Birthday, man! Thanks for all the smiles and laugher that you gave and shared with me. Even on days that I feel like I can’t go on, you never fail to do something random to make me smile. So thank you, and happy birthday, bro…maybe one day I can get the traditional Korean dance right…and we can go “Korean slowdancing”. *laughs* But for now…lets try to get through this year…so that we can go home already! *laughs*
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Yep, today is my friend, Steve’s birthday. I wish all of you can meet him…he cracks me up. He’s the only Korean in my psychology classes, and I know that he struggles with his English…and he is constantly trying to keep up with my fast talk and “slang” talking…but he really makes me laugh, because even though he’ll say something wrong, he tries and he’s so comical about it too! Like if he is upset, he’ll try to say something…and I won’t interrupt him, juss let him vent to me. I tell him that even if he has to vent to me in Korean…at least he knows that I’m listening…even though I have no idea what he is saying. But he will vent in English, and he’s all intensely concentrating on what he is trying to tell me…then he’ll look at me and go, “was that right?! Did I say it right?”
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It’s funny because he would always question me on the words that I say, like you all know how I always be saying, “For crying out loud!” he asked me what that means…and I was like it’s a saying that shows frustration or something like that…and so now he tries to incorporate what I teach him in what he says…but sometimes he doesn’t get it right…and he will say “you are crying loud!” Another one that he says is suppose to be, “my bad” but he ends up saying “I’m bad.” And I taught him the word “jiberish” or however you spell it, and he makes me laugh, because when I lose concentration and start talking fast again, he is goes, “Charliy (that’s how he pronounces my name. J), you are speaking jiberish!” *laughs* yeah, he makes me laugh…But yeah, this is to you Steve, Happy Birthday, man!
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So yesterday I went to Manila to go see Jynny and Joyness…I miss them two chicas a lot…but we knew that it was going to be like that and we go see each other whenever we can and when we have a chance…Since I’ve gotten here (to the Philippines), we always did Christmas gift exchange with each other, and since I hadn’t seen them since last year, we finally were able to exchange gifts…I love them a lot. Anyways…so Eddie and I went to ....Manila.... to see them…oh! Funny story that reminds me of past…here, let me share…*laughs* me always sharing I know…
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So we rode a bus to go to ....Manila....…and this is the first time that I sat down on chair in the bus…and I could barely touch the ground! For crying out loud, I was wearing wedges…so I had some extra height too! *laughs*…but for the life of me, I couldn’t touch the ground, the only way that I could was if I was sitting all the way to the front of the chair…and it’s like a 1 ½ hours to get to Manila and I was like…oh okay…and this is something I didn’t realize, but when you sit down on a bus with NO shock absorbers…and hella pot holes in the road…that’s one bumpy ride and your feet on the ground keeps you from falling all over the place…yeah, so I was like uhm…Eddie, WTF!?! This reminds me when I was in high school and we had this school social event in Frisco, and so we took the public bus to the BART station…that was like one of the only times I ever used the public bus…anyways, the bus was full and we had to stand…and I was too short to reach up to grab the ring stuff…but it was good that at that time I had a tall boyfriend to hang on too…lol…I guess tall guys are good to have around. *laughs*
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Anyways so we finally got to Manila to see my “roomies” who are my “roomies” anymore…and we exchanged pressies…I love…jejeje…anyways…then we went to one of the million of malls here (Greenbelt) and we went to go see Bride Wars…and for some reason I kept calling it BridAL Wars…yeah, don’t ask me why *laughs* But anyways, I was like… “you guys, I don’t wanna see anything lovie-dovie…” But then I ended up seeing it, because nothing else was good that was good…and it was a good movie…I juss know that if/when I get married, it’s going to be “me” day…well, “me and my groom’s” day….and I don’t wanna do no double wedding, yeah, I’m not into that…and so yeah…*laughs*
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Speaking of movies…yeah, I finally saw Cloverfield…yeah,  that was pretty confusing man! And you gotta see Ghost Town…yeah, so I don’t like ghosts or anything but I swear that has gotta be on the of the funnies movies I’ve seen…me and Achalu were hella laughing when we saw it…I felt like I couldn’t breath or something! *laughs*  So, yeah, I totally recommend that movie…oh and The “Accidental” Husband was actually good as well…I saw that movie at a time that I needed that kind of advise that it gave out…so yeah.
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Anyways…we were in the mall, and I was like hey, I’mma go “guy scouting” because hey,  I was in Manila and they are foreign guys there…and some can be really hot…so yeah, I saw these three tall, black guys *laughs* and I was hella checking them out and I was telling Joy to look at them…jejeje…then one of them faced me…and I was like, oh hell naw! It was my friend…! I was totally checking out my friend that I hadn’t seen for like 6 months! Last I heard from him was that he got in an accident…and then after the accident, he disappeared! He changed his number and I didn’t know where he was…and stuff…I still see my friends that were also in the accident, juss not Patrick…and I was like…whoa…that was trippy! *laughs*
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Anyways…today is Sunday and so I knew that I was going to sleep in, but then I don’t wanna be wasting time juss sleeping all the time…or juss being bored…because you all know how I HATE to be bored…so the past few days I have been actually waking up HELLA early to work out or to jog and stuff…so I was asking Achalu if he wanted to wake up early again all week to juss work out and jog in the morning…get this you guys…SIX o’CLOCK in the MORNING! Yeah…that’s what time we work out…no, that’s NOT the time I WAKE UP…that’s the time I’m already working out or  jogging…yep, there is a big difference.
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I think that I am changing…I mean, I think that I’m still me and stuff…but being here, I realized that I’m more than who I thought I was. There was no way in hell could you get me to be awake at 6.am with no good reason…but now here I am juss WANTING to be awake already.
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I was talking to Eddie about this…we have been away from home so long, that we can’t tell if we changed or not…but I realize that I’m not as social as I am when I am home. At home, my goodness, I’m everywhere and anywhere…at least I always have something to be doing…and over here, it’s a struggle to keep from going bored and stuff. No, I take that back…I’m not bored, bored…juss it’s like I’m not living the life that I want too…its like everything is devoted to school, and nothing else…I’m not that social person that I use to be. For crying out loud…I don’t even like going to church anymore…and get this…for a long time I stopped singing…okay, when in the history of Charity Saira Princess did I ever stop singing…it was because I was too busy WITH SCHOOL to think of singing…and I really need music back in my life…my goodness…I miss the piano, I miss playing the flute…I miss performing…I miss singing with my group, I juss miss music.
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But here’s the thing…yeah, I think over here I’m a different person, but when I go home, I go back to who I was, but not as hyper active…*laughs* I remember my brother telling me that I didn’t talk as much…whoa…now that’s a crazy though…maybe NOW I can take out the whole “talk-a-tive” part when I describe myself…oh, don’t get me wrong though, he said that I still talk…but not as much as when I was there before…but then again, I barely had time to spend with my brotherhood when I was home…shit, Jem, I miss you a lot.
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Well, I need to go now, because Eddie wants to go chill in Mocha Blends and surf online…they have free wi-fi and so yeah, I wanna go with him, it’s about time that I update stuff on my laptop again…and stuff…but then yeah. Goodness…I ramble about everything that’s nothing, no?! *laughs* well, I best get ready now…Oo0oO0…I sure do love this song…jejeje… “To see you when I wake up, is a gift I didn’t think could be real…to know that you fel the way, is…” ooo…a friend is here!
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Love you all and miss you!
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*hugs and kisses*

[Transferred from my myspace blog]

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

photoshoot and laughter


“I get so weak in the knees I can hardly speak, I lose all control and something takes over me. In a daze, you look so amazing, it’s not a phase, I want you to stay with me…by my side, I swallow my pride, you love is so sweet, it knocks me right off of my feet…!! I can’t explain, how your loving makes me feel.”
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It’s amazing how singing and music can make you feel so much better if you’re feeling like shit, or how it keeps the mood up when everything’s going good. I love music. O0o0oO…now I’m listening to “Is It You” by Cassie…I love the beat…jejeje…oh okay…
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So yesterday I didn’t have any electricity. And before you jump to conclusion and tell me to pay my bill…hey, mi amigo!! I am responsible, I DO pay my bill! It’s because, I JUSS found out that I share an electric meter thingy with two other apartments, and supposedly THEY didn’t pay their bill, so they turned off our electricity…and I was like, that’s messed up man! I pay, mandope! So it’s exam week this week, and I had this major exam today, so I really needed to study last night…so I ended up going to my cousin’s place since he lives like a 30 second walk away from where I am, and plus, I didn’t wanna juss stay in my apartment with candles and juss think…so I was like, Imma make my way to my cousin’s place and ask if he wants to go work-out. I also brought my homework so that I can do it after we worked-out, and then I brought my shower stuff, so that I can shower there after we worked-out [oh shit, my “ab’s” hurt…! But I like that kind of pain, it shows that something is happening…jejeje…] Well, for Christmas and then some, he got the new Macbook thingy…and I know my sister got one from her husband [yeah, that’s going to take some getting used to say!] for Christmas, and kuya Neal had sent me some picture that they had taken with it when my brother was down south to help them pack up [oh my goodness! I think it’s about time I go visit them…I know how hard it is to live an ocean away from home…and Hawaii is out there in the middle of the ocean, I think they need sister to come visit them!] And when I got to his place, he was messing around with it, and then we started to take pictures…and oh my goodness…I took over 100 pictures…I know…I’m so vain…lol…naw, it’s not even that! I juss was having fun, that’s all…but you can see them, because I posted some of them up…and oh mandope, we be having FUN…I’ll see if I can also upload the video’s that we took…some where hella funny…but I had a lot of fun…then it got late, and I though that it was okay to go back home because I’ll have electricity again….but when I got home, I had no electricity. And I was hella pissed off…because my apartment was the ONLY one with no electricity! What is that?! I was like, is my electric meter connected with someone in ..Mexico.. or ....China.... or something?! So I went to Achalu’s place and I ended up staying there to study and stuff…
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Ended up the teacher was a no show…and I studied for no reason. And goodness gracious…I’m such a studious person now, and yeah, that’s a good thing…but now I don’t have any fun…and I’m SO MUCH ahead in my work and stuff so I didn’t have any homework and stuff. So I ended up hanging out with my friend and it made me realize that I need to get out more. So yeah…
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Well, I’m glad that I can still find the beauty in things and that I still can see things that can make me smile. I think that’s why I love working with children, because they still are looking at things with new eyes, and everything is an adventure to them. They are so fun to be around. There is this 4 month old baby at Eddie’s place, and that baby is so cute! Sometimes I’m like I really really want a baby RIGHT NOW!
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Oh goodness, that make me remember a conversation I had with a friend back at home. So I was telling my friends Kel that I wanted a baby…and she goes, “then go make one…” Oh goodness…sounds so easy to do…but I don’t want a baby with juss anyone…and she was like telling me that I had a lot of guy friends and even guys who aren’t my friends who would love to “make a baby” with me. Oh goodness…she makes me laugh, and I miss her. I remember I met her in my English class when I was in college back at home and the teacher talked so slow and to stay awake I would play with her hair…I noticed that about me, to stay awake, I would start playing with hair. *laughs* Or, I’ll get the person next to me to give me a hand massage…*laughs* I miss home…and home friends.
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Oh yeah, so I finally sucked it up and gave Triszy to my neighbors…it’s lonely without her running around in my apartment, but I still have Toby….and he’s still a handful…sometimes I would let my neighbors have Toby for a bit…because Triszy and him still love to play together…it breaks my heart to hear them meow for each other…and stuff…they are so big now…it’s hard to believe that I have had them for a month now. They are hella fast on their feet too, man! *laughs* Aww…they are my lovies…*laughs*
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Well the past couple of days have been really cold! My goodness! It’s actually been cold! And I was chatting with my friend back at home and he told me that LA was 85 degree’s or something like that…what is that?! That is my perfect temperature…and I’m here cold…it’s not freezing cold…but it’s been really windy…and my hair blows every which way and I juss don’t like wearing uniform in this kind of weather, because…it’s hella cold and you have to wear a skirt…my goodness…I miss winter clothes…the cute jackets and scarfs and hoodies and juss winter clothes…I miss season clothes…summer clothes…lol….oh okay…moving on now…
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Well, I think Imma go write in my journal now and crash. I got class nice and early tomorrow morning…ugh…! *laughs* I lubshu all muchoness…and I miss you when I can’t see you…
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*hugs and kisses*
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“It’s funny how you think you really know yourself, like you would never lose yourself to someone else, and I was up to thinking it was only about you and me, silly, silly me. I should have never listened to a word you said, but I was always given to promises…I really shouldn’t have gone for, I should never long for you no matter how hard it gets. And I want this to be over, you see, I want this to be through, but in the end it always comes back to you…” Everywhere I Go Katherine McPhee

[Transferred from my myspace blog]