Sunday, January 9, 2011

I wonder...

So for some reason, I was taking the walk down memory lane and I was reading older journals last night right before I went to sleep [I do this every so often]. And this one particular entry caught my eye. And even though I wrote it a few years ago when I was going through a really hard time in my life, I decided to share it with you. It was called, "I Wonder...."

I wonder what life is all about, who controls what happens in life and who made up all the rules in life. The whole "life isn't fair..." should be re-looked at, I think. But then again, "being fair" to one person is "being unfair" to another one, so I guess there is a balance in life and stuff. It just kind of sucks when you're on the other end of the balancing scale and stuff...

I wonder were all that "inner strength" comes from. you know how people tell you, "you're strong, you can make it....you have that inner strength" or something like that....where does that inner strength come from and where can you buy more of it?! *laughs* If only I could buy more of it.

I wonder who is is that plays with your emotions. I know that you supposedly have control over your emotions, but sometimes it just gets out of hand ,and then you do stuff that you regret, or not...but why does it get out of hand, when for the longest time you had control over it and stuff.

I wonder why parents always want "the best for their kids..." but when you ask them what the best if for us, it usually has something to do with money....like what is best for us would make us "financially stable." Maybe whatever they want for us IS the best for us...FINANCIALLY...but what about everything else...like emotionally and stuff.

I wonder what makes emotions. Like if you hurt yourself physically, you for the most part can hear...most times. For crying out loud, you can put a bandaid on it, kiss it, and it's "all bette now." But when you get emotionally hurt or your feelings hurt...how do you kiss and make that all better?

I wonder what "I love you" really means? I mean, to everyone it means something different. When someone tells me "I love you" and then they do something to hurt me--like betray me or lie to me, I question...is that love?...if it is...I want nothing to do with it.

I wonder what it means to miss someone. Where those words just made up to make someone else feel wanted for the time being? What does it mean?! It implies that you think about them...but do you really? Are they just words of lies...or just something to fill the silence?

I wonder what makes a person say things. Yeah, I talk a lot, but that's because I like to share. And if you notice, I like to share a lot of things...my words and stories being one of those "a lot of things." But for other people, what makes them say things? Words have so much power and I think that people don't really know that.

I wonder how a person can feel so many different things at the same time, but yet still understand why they feel those many those many things. I'm happy that I have a family, but I'm sad that I disappoint them. I'm excited for the end of this semester, but I'm scared because of what might not happen. I love the people who are in my life, but I hurt because of them.

I wonder if there is anyone out there who means what they say. It kind of sucks because I even questin God about that. Like, I have a lot of people saying that they "are always there for me, no matter what time, no matter what day, no matter what..."but yet, when I need them, they are no where to be found...or they leave me.

I wonder if it's possible to cry so much that you have no more tears in you. I mean, these past 5 weeks I'm so swear I've cried so much when I'm alone here in my room...and it's not like I want too, it's just that the tears of anger, frustration, stress, sickness, confusion, and tiredness just comes when I least expect it...and I wonder when they will ever stop.

I wonder if you can still mean your smile when you're sad. I don't like fake people...but yet, I know when I'm sad, i can still muster u that smile to let people know that "everything is going to be okay." And I really do mean the smile, I really do. Because I'm the kind of girl who likes to smile at people so that they can know that someone cares and stuff...but if I'm sad, does it still count?

I wonder if just because you give up, does that still mean that you're a quitter? Hm...maybe saying "give up" should be changed to "doing something different" or something like  that. But what if you don't want to quite, but you realize that you're working for nothing, so you change your plans, does that mean you still are a quitter?

I wonder if you do quit, does that mean you are a loser? Like , will you always be quitting everything that you do...making you a loser in everything you do?

I wonder how you can live the life you want, without disappointing other. I really wonder this, because it seems as if I'm always disappointing people and yet, I'm still not happy, because I'm still trying to please them...something that can never happen, and I guess this just makes me stupid now because I realize this, but I'm still trying. But I know that if I stop trying, them I'm stopping my attempt of being happy.

I wonder if you can still claim to be happy when deep down inside you know that you're not. At least, not happy with yourself...but you're happy in general.

I wonder if I have to continue having to do this because the one person you don't want to disappoint will be disappointed yet again if you don't. But what if continuing to do this kills me, maybe [well, I know] not physically...but in everything else.

I wonder if believing in love is another blind leap of faith. Because you know what everyone says love is, you know what the dictionary says about it...but when it's implied to you, it's everything but what everyone says and what the dictionary says...but you still believe in it because of what you believe it could be.

I wonder why people believe that the blood of Christ has save saved all of humankind, but yet, whe you see your own blood, it's a "bad thing"...I mean it saves you, right? It might not shave saved the whole of humankind, but it saved you for the time being. And that's what matters, right?

I wonder why I feel so different here than I do at home. I'm suppose to be one person, right? But why is it when I'm here I' nothing like I am at home, and when I'm at home, I'm truly much more happier...but I can't stay at home.

I wonder why being hurt emotionally can't just be the same as being hurt physically. It would make life so much easier. But I hate how emotionally it takes forever, if ever, to heal...when physically, it does heal with time--something that when you're hurt emotionally it doesn't apply.

I wonder if you can truly disappear. I mean, as long as someone remembers you, you can't disappear, unless you mess with their mind and make them think that you were only a dream or something. But I wonder if it's possible to disappear.

I wonder why people say, "sticks and stones can break my bones, but words  can never hurt me," when it's not true. I think words are the most powerful things that can hurt you.

I wonder who made it so that money is a big motivating factor in a person's life. Why couldn't it be something like happiness or something that money can't buy.

I wonder why people assume things a lot. And expect things a lot. And if they don't get it, they are disappointed. Like they assume that you are okay...but when you're not they "have to" sit there listening to all your woes and stuff...when in reality you were just supper to say, "I'm good."

I wonder why people even bother asking how you are when they don't want to or even care what your answer is...as long as it's "I'm fine."

I wonder why people like to pretend they know how you feel...when no one knows how you really, truly feel...yeah, I think that people could know how you might feel...but that's about it--since everyone is unique.

I wonder why people think they are so great and mighty and that everyone should always admire them and praise them...what makes people think like that? And then when you don't think like that, they cap on you and make your life miserable. Who put them on the pedestal?

I wonder why there are people who keep holding on, when they know that they prolly are holding on to nothing in the end.

I wonder why it's so hard to tell someone how you really feel...

I wonder why people like to make other people feel like crap...and have no conscious about it.

I wonder what changes a person's mind.