Thursday, August 28, 2008

Everyone has a story.


There are many things that I have learned in life. One of the things is that everyone has a story. I believe that everyone's story is different from any other person's story. And I also believe that everyone should have a chance to tell that story, if they so want to. I have learned not to judge people by their first impression. You should get to know a person before you make any decisions about them. I have learned this and I still am learning this.

I consider myself the type of person that can get along with most people. And I say most, because there are those people who just really annoy me the first time I met them. These people are the people that just irritate me because it seems like they are trying to walk all over you, or they are just trying to hard, or they are just plain fake. These are the people who you just want to shake and tell them to think of other's before they do something because their actions do affect other people.

There are many times I wonder if these people even KNOW that people don't like them or that people think that they are obnoxious. Do they even care? Or do they really think that people really like them? I don't like thinking bad of people, but there are those times when I just can't help myself.

And then I find myself feeling bad, because I can't say that I don't like them, because did I even try to give them a fair chance at being liked? Maybe they are the way they are because that was how they had to act all their life in order to get by. I don't know their history; I don't know what they had to go through; I don't know why they are trying to hard, or why they feel like they have to be fake or something. I wasn't fair to them because I didn't try to get to know the real them. So what if their first impression left a bad taste in my mouth, I think that it's just human nature that we judge people the way that we do.

Why do we do it? What makes us think that we're so perfect? Maybe they crave attention because in their family they don't give the attention that they want. Maybe they want to be liked, and they just don't know how to act. Maybe they have their own reasons, and it's none of my business.
I really do try not to judge people by their first impression, because I think my first impression to people is also wrong. I remember asking people what they first thought of me when they first met me…and their answers were honest, well, for the most part, I think they were honest because I don't think that they would say something just to hurt my feelings for no reason…a lot of people thought that I was fake, because they didn't believe that a person can be so friendly and nice without wanting anything in return. That's me, I have a hard time being mean to people, and by human nature, we tend to over think things, and so if someone is being really nice and friendly, doesn't that mean that they want something in return?
"If you judge too much, you have no time to love." I wonder how the world would be if there was no judging, if people accepted people for who they were, and if people would just learn to love those around them, even though they are different that they are. I know that I'm guilty of judging a person, but I do try my best not to. I don't believe in listening to reputation. I have made so many friends because of not believing in what other's have to say about another person.

There has to be reason why a person behaves the way that they do, and since I don't know that reason, who gives me the right to judge a person by the way that they act? I think that once we learn to accept and love our own self, if we learn how to embrace our strengths as well as our weakness, are we able to learn how to accept others.

I was once again put in my place. There is this one girl who is in my group and I can't stand her. She happens to be a leader in our school and to me she didn't show herself to be a responsible person. Yeah, she was a leader in school, but what about her class? She didn't seem the type of person who could work in a group because she never came to our meetings or she didn't do her part of the project and when she did come, she was SO bossy and telling us that we were doing things wrong and why we didn't do this and that and everything. And when we would tell her that that was her part, she would get mad and tell us that she was a busy person and she didn't have time to do something like. She just wasn't a team-player, and MY grade was going to suffer because of that. I recently learned something about her, and I felt like a total shit-head for thinking so bad of her. I was put in my place; I had no right to think she was a person who couldn't be a team-player; I had no right to think that she was put in my group to frustrate me and to make me have a lower grade. She has her own problems to deal with, and although I'm a firm believer of not trying to make my problems someone else's burden's or allow my problems to create problems for anyone else, I can understand more why she is the way that she is. I believe in confidentiality, but what I can say is this, with everything that happened in her life, and what she had to fight for, she could have turned out a very bitter person who hated life and who hated people, but when I look back at it, she has never failed to pass me a smile when I walk by her, she has never failed to give out words of encouragement when someone is down, she has never given up when all seems to falling around her. She is a strong person, and although she has a 
strong personality as well, I don't think that she would be where she is right now if she didn't fight for it.


[Transferred from my myspace blog]

Monday, August 25, 2008

Starting over.


At any point in your life, have you ever wished that you could start all over? I mean, juss start all over…? Maybe knowing some of the stuff that you know now…but you just want to start all over. Sometimes I wish that there was a manual in life so that when you hit a rough spot, you can know how to handle it, and you don't have to go through trial-and-error or heartbreak to figure out what you have to do to pull through. Then there are other times where I wish that I had a remote control that I can use in my life. You know that whole pause, rewind, fast-forward, slow-play, play type of dealio…wouldn't life be SO much easier like that. When things seem to be piling up on you and you just wanna take a break—pause. Then when you think that you have enough break time—play. Or you have to sit through a boring lecture and the teacher has this horrible monotonous voice that tries to coax you to go to sleep, and all you can think about is that you wanna go to the beach or something—fast forward…and then when you are actually at the beach and you are having so much fun playing in the water, playing football, making friends, snorkeling and all those other fun beach-y things, and you wish that time wouldn't pass so fast when you're having so much fun—slow play. Yeah, I think that life remote control can come in handy. *laughs* Oh! And how can I forget this "button"?! The first time you lock eyes with you're one and only and for some reason you just knew…maybe it wasn't love at first sight, but you know that this was a special person. And that special person is walking up to you, and you feel this indescribable feeling in your stomach and then that person goes, "Hi" and you never wanna forget that feeling ever…--rewind-play-rewind-play over and over again, until you have memorized in your heart and mind every detail, but yet you still like go over it one more time because it was a starting point of something great in your life.

Yeah, those wishes of mine…but you know when reality kicks in, I realize that that can never happen. You can't ever juss start all over from the very beginning knowing everything you know now. No one has written you a life manual either. And that magic life remote control?! It doesn't exist. What you have is right now and you only have it at one time. I do believe in free will, and if you want to change and you have the mind set to change who you are, you can. Your past experiences don't determine who you are. Your family history doesn't determine who you are. Your future doesn't determine who you are. Your present mindset of right now does.

I do wish many times that I can start over again, or go back in life and try to fix something—but then my life wouldn't be what it is right now, it would be a different life. Okay, so I said that the past and future doesn't determine who you are, but I do believe that the past makes who you are and the future influences your behaviors now, but I also believe that who you make of yourself right now is what really matters.

So life throws you a curve ball…several in fact, and you just can't handle it any longer…what are you going to do?! Give up?! I know that it sounds tempting…for crying out loud, I think right now I'm living through one of life's curveballs…and there are many times where I just wanna break down and just cry at all it's unfairness, and there are times where I do, but there are more times where I tell myself that I need to learn and move on…and one day, I'll be able to look back and laugh at how I was making such a big deal about nothing (at least I hope I will be able too!) I juss tell myself that life is always moving, time is always going forward, it doesn't wait for anyone, and eventually all this life trials will be all there in the past, and I just need to face it head on, and learn from it all, and soon it will all be in my past and I will have learned some valuable lessons from it all. Hm…yeah, that is one of the many things in life that is easier said than done, but it is doable. My best friend once told me that no matter how bad life is going, if you look hard enough, you can always find something that's going right. My other best friend told me that no matter how my life seems to be going downhill…someone out there has it worst than me. And what have I learned?! That no matter how bad life can be, I will always have my two best friends with me…maybe they can't be with me in person right now, but they are always there for me.  And that is what keeps me going.

Yeah, there are many time where I want to start all over, but if that ever happened…maybe I wouldn't be so lucky to find the same people in life that I had in my "other" life and I know that I wouldn't have the same memories, the same experiences, the same adventures, I wouldn't learn the same lessons in the same way…I would be a completely different person, I would have a whole new way of thinking…and yeah, when I really think about it, I don't want to go through the whole process of going through the unknown again. I was only given one life, one chance, so I better start stepping it up and being who I want to be. This is it. This is now. This is me.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

*Sigh*


So it's been days that I've written a blog thingy-thing-thing and I'm so swear that it's because I've been so busy that my mind is about to explode. The only comfort that I have is that if I keep busy I can keep my mind off on the up-coming date of me going home. I think that is the only thing that has been keeping me going theses days. I juss need to go home and to "recharge" myself again. I have to admit that I admire all those foreigners who can stay here without going home to "recharge" because being here takes something from you, takes a lot from you. And some days I juss don't feel like smiling, but you know, I have learned that you are the only one who has control of your life, and whether or not you are happy, it's your choice. But in so saying that, sometimes it gets so frustrating and discouraging when you know that you are trying, that you are keeping that smile on your face, and everything seems to be against you. They say that in order to be happy, make someone else happy…because you get out a lot more when you give than get, right…but what is it when you're there for everyone, when you go that "extra mile" to make another person's day that much more better, when you sit back and listen to other's problems…but yet, no one is there for you? *laughs* oh goodness, what am I doing?! I'm complaining…I'm going to make a horrible clinical psychologist! *laughs* well, it's a good thing that that's not what I plan on doing. And I shouldn't say that "no one" is there…because I do take that back…I do have friends who are there for me…it juss sucks more than donkey balls that they are more than an ocean away…the time difference is shit, and the technology isn't really best here…so yeah. But I know that being here is good for me, I'm learning to be independent, I'm learning to rely on myself, I'm learning that I can be a survivor when push comes to shove and stuff.

Well, lets see, my current feelings…stressed. *laughs* frustration, nostalgic…sometimes I wonder, what am I doing here. *laughs* well, I take that back…not sometimes, but most times I'm wondering what am I doing here?! Is there a point in me being here when I have adequate schools to go at home? Today, the guards took down our foot holds to climb over the wall, and I have to walk the extra ½ miles to get to school…and it had rained all night, and it was pouring pretty hard when I was going to school. I was extremely irritated because I know that if I was able to climb over the wall, I could have gotten to class in 15 minutes…I was actually running late, but then we have about 10 minutes before you are marked "tardy" in class, so I actually started going to class at around 10.25am…I would have made it…but when I saw that the school guards had messed up our foot holds at the wall so that it was  impossible to climb the wall for our "shortcut" I had to walk to the extra ½ miles to school, in the pouring rain, near the riverbank which was nearly overflowing, and it was muddy as hell…(well, I don't even know if "hell" is even muddy, but you get what I mean!) and so I was late for class…but it was cool though because I guess the teacher had a heart because she realized that it was raining really, really hard and so she gave the class extra time to get to class, so I wasn't "late" but technically I was. But yeah. The thing is…I could have still climbed over the wall, it's possible actually, but since it was raining, the wall was slippery, and the footholds that I was used to were gone, and there was a "mud hole" that the guards dug up what I would have landed in when I got over the wall. I know that I could have done it, because I wouldn't have minded, and I know that if I did it right, I could have reached the rock and jumped to the stairs that was built to go up to the school…the thing is, even though it was a miserable day, we still had to wear our uniform. A white blouse, dark-blue LONG skirt, and closed-toed dress shoes…but being who I am, I can not bring myself to wear the proper uniform…so I had on my ishy-mini black skirt, the white blouse (which is SO easy to be see-through if it gets wet, as it is, it already is see-through without it being wet! You can always see the color of my bra!) and closed-toed sandals thingy…the traction under it sucks…if I was wearing something else, I could have done it…plus, I still had my stuff that I had to bring and my umbrella…normally I can climb and jump the wall fine even with all my stuff and my "uniform" but without the proper foothold and stuff, I couldn't in my uniform. But anyways…as I was walking to school, literally telling myself that I need to hold my anger in check because it was a waste of energy to be mad at something that I can't control…I was asking myself, what am I doing here. I know that it's hard to understand or comprehend what it's like for me to even get to school here in this country, because I know that when my parents use to tell me the stories of the miles and "hiking" they had to walk to get to school, I knew that it was f'realz…but it was a story, right?! That stuff didn't happen anymore…but it does.

There are a lot of things in life that I don't understand. Maybe one day I'll understand.

I think that being here in the Philippines it brought out characteristics that I didn't think that I even had. In my human development class we had this class discussion about "nature vs. nurture." I'm pretty sure that you all are aware of this topic…basically, do you think you are the way you are because of heredity and the genes that you're parents passed on to you, or do you think that you are the way that you are because of the environment, the situations that you are surrounded with, the experiences that you go through and things like that. This is what I said, I think that it's both. I think that you are born with the potential to have a certain characteristic trait, but it's the situations, environment, experiences that actually fires that potential. I think that makes sense…sorta like a plant for example. So you have a seed. The seed has a potential to be a plant, a flower or something, ya?! Well, it can't be flower unless there are certain things like soil, water, sunlight, and such and stuff…well that's like a person, with the right stimulus, the right things, the situation and experiences and such, it brings out the certain characteristic traits. For me, I think being in this kind of environment, I have learned that I have a horrible temper, that I have next to no patience, and I hate it when people touch me! *laughs*  I hate being in crowded places, and I get irritated SO MUCH! I realize that all I ever do is complain, it's like coming here I'm a different person, because I can actually be mean! *laughs* okay, well…not mean-mean…I still have a hard time being mean (which is a flaw!! It is!) but yeah, I don't know what I'm saying. *laughs*

Well…hm….school is stressful, but that's not anything new. It gets harder each year, each day, each minute. My goodness, right now I'm suppose to be doing homework, but what am I doing?! I'm writing a blog! *laughs* I really think that I need to go to the beach to relax or something! Last Monday (we had no class because it was the president's birthday or something…?!) I ended up having to come on campus to meet up with a friend to talk about *gasps* school…and we ended up going to the "kioskerant" there, and I saw some of my friends and they were actually shocked to be seeing me! *laughs* I seriously juss be going to class, teaching class, then go home and get busy doing my homework and schoolwork. I have no social life. I realized that I can't do everything. Like keeping up with my social life and school is like having NO SLEEP at all…I have to choice one or the other. Don't get me wrong, I'm still there for my friends when they need me, but I seriously don't go out anymore, I don't have "fun" anymore…I don't have time, and it sucks because life is short and I feel like I'm wasting away the years that I'm suppose to be having fun.

The other day, I was walking with my friend going home, and she was like, "how do you do it?!" And I had no idea what she was talking about…and then she explained that she is so stressed out and that it's showing in her behavior and she has a hard time smiling and holding on and stuff…and she said that it looks like I'm having a lot of fun and stuff, so how do I do school and have fun at the same time. I juss started laughing and laughing. Because, AM I having fun?! *laughs* I think it's me to keep everything in, so I don't SHOW that I'm stressed out. When I have that opportunity to laugh, I laugh, I smile at everyone still, I acknowledge everyone I know and don't know, I learned that the little things in life can make you smile and make your day that much more brighter. Sometimes as I'm walking home I'll see a grandpa holding the hand of his grandchild as they are walking, and I smile, because it's so cute. Or I'll see kitties playing together (my goodness, no lie, there are SO many animals running around here! And that includes chickens! Goats! Carabao! Wow…that's something you don't see at home! *laughs*), and you know that kitties are cute…and you can't help but smile…or I'll see a friend across the street, and yes I'm that person that isn't ashamed to call out or even yell out your name is if see you! *laughs* Oh, and I have awesome neighbors, sometimes juss to get out of my house, I'll juss go next door and juss flop on my neighbor's couch or bed…I love my neighbors…I love my whole floor of neighbors. There are times where I'll juss go to my neighbor's and juss flop on the couch (which juss so happens to be mine since I have two couches and they didn't have any, so I juss let them borrow one. *laughs*) and juss relax, and get this…sometimes…well most time they are playing some computer game called DOTA…and you all know me and how I HATE those games! *laughs* but we juss talk and stuff…and most times I end up falling asleep because I'm so tired…and then I wake up and they have popped me popcorn…(for some reason popcorn is my current addiction! *laughs*) or I'll go to the other side of neighbor's and I'll juss go flop on his bed and juss talk or juss watch whatever they are watching and yes, there are times where I'll fall asleep there too, and I'll wake up and they want to feed me! *laughs* I'm so well taken care of. My neighbor's keep me sane. *laughs* the girls on my floor (for a LONG while it was all guys except for me!) are a lot of fun too, they like to take make-up a lot or other "girlie" things. (*laughs*)…yeah, that's my social life, a minimum…but it keeps me from going insane and turning into a hermit! *laughs* I know that there are many things to smile about when you really look…and if I get into depression it's because I allowed myself too, and I don't ever want to get that low ever…so I force myself to look for things to be thankful for…sometimes though, it's hard…but right now, I'm SO thankful that Imma be going home in less than 50 days now! I'm so excited, and that is what is keeping me going. *laughs*
Well, I best be getting started on my homework (again!!)…but I juss wanted to write a lil something or another and stuff. I love you all and miss you all muchoness!
*hugs and kisses*

"Somebody once told me 'be strong, remember, not everything has a happy ending and endings don't mean stop…it's just a way of telling us that there's a new beginning ahead of us. You should always be ready for the unpredictable and expect the unexpected. It's easy to fall, hard to get up, but once you're up and back on track, you will be a better person. That's the way of life. You don't just live it, you learn from it.'"

(My friend Adrian gave me that quote, and I thought to share it with you. *smiles*)

[Transfered from my myspace blog]