Wednesday, August 31, 2005

I'm SO excited!


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Tuesday, August 30, 2005

I'm happy for today...

yesterday was NOT i'm glad that that is over. today was okay too. i miss my sister. i got to talk to her for like 1 actually it was less than a minute. okay...lately i have been feeling traped like i can't really talk to anyone...and i think it's about time to vent...but my sister doesn't have time anymore...and how much closer can you get than to your own blood sister :)
i also got to talk to my lovely pregnent cousin Presmarie..and her adorable daughter, my niece, rosemarie. it has been like FOREVER since i talked to them or even seen them. Pres is now pregnent for 9 months and 1 week. so leelo is comeing any day now, and i'm sooo excited! she said that she is due on the 18th of this September...and that seems like FOREVER away...but i mean HELLO she is NINE MONTHS PREGNEnT! that has to count to something! oh my bad...i mean 9 months and ONE WEEK!
it's rosemarie's birthday in like 6 days...right? hmmm...her birthday is September 05. and she is having her party this sunday...i'm excited bacause i can play with a lot of little kids since she invited her whole class! and there will be so many kids! oh...i love kids...and mommy can't run around with them since she is fully i have volenteered my time to them! :) but of course i'll be there...i love Rosemarie SOOOO much! :) and i'm soo sad i missed her 5th birthday last i better make it up this year...especially since her daddy and uncle marvin and uncle stephen and auntie ila can't be here. so yeah.
whoops, gosta go!

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Sunday, August 28, 2005

I am happy. was such a long weekend...but i loved every moment of it...but i have to admit, i would have been more happier if certain people could have came. is that the right way you say that? on Friday...i hung out with my sister...saturday i went to the beach...OH MY GOSH! we played bells AGAIN after a million katrillion years!...i MESSED UP! i clinked the bell when i had the bottom bass beat! and the melody...but then...i guess other than that it was good...yep yep yep...and then the beach was and leah when swimming in the out and was freezing our asses off...and then we warmed up and was fine and good...playing volleyball, when LEAH HIT THE BALL IN THE i swam out to get it...but the waves were to fast, and we lost my poor volleyball! it's out at sea....somewhere in the big ocean! and i hope no shark or whale or some sea creature's ate it...that would be tragic....but it's okay...i still have a lot of other volleyballs...:) but *sniff*....all gone my volleyball...

today was fun too...but i think i feel SO sore...i need a massage...and NO! not only someone to massage my hand...but my back...i think this is when i miss my kuya stephen...i need a serious BODY massage! :) but the playing volleyball is always fun. we played with these guys that spoke a different language...and then with these girls that wanted to try out for a team...but then...i really wish them luck!
i can't wait for my classes tommarow...well, ONE class! i'm so excited! i dont' feel like writing anymore...i'm gonna stop for now...:)

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Friday, August 26, 2005

Wow....! :)

WOW...i was going though my things on my laptop and reading things that i wrote while i was away...and this one really caught my eye...i was really hurt huh? and it was NO ONES fault, but the fact that i let it happen. let me clarify one thing...MOST guys are assholes...but i know now that NOT ALL guys are assholes. same goes as i know that there are bitches out there...but here...i'll share a little of my heart :)

August 14, 2004

            Jealousy screamed through my veins as I watched my current “eye-candy” smile at my friend. However, what was there that I could do? He was not mine to take possession of. What did she have that I didn’t have? What secret ingredient did she have that I couldn’t figure out? What quality did she have that he couldn’t see in me?  
            We were friends, but was that all we would ever be? He claimed that I was someone that he could trust; he claimed that he liked hanging around me; he claimed that I was juss a good friend. However, he admitted that he saw me as his sister, yet he calls me “her” name.
            It all started out with the traditional introduction of a mutual friend, but it grew as I asked him to (sorry...personal stuff here...:) At first, I would deny the fact what everyone saw…he liked me, and I liked him; after all, he did tell me that he had his eye for “her.” However, from the first day, it was always me and him, him and me, always together. We confided in each other, we laughed with each other, we stayed up late on the phone together, we called each other during the day to hang out, we would always be near each other, we did our homework together, we stayed up looking at the stars together; together.
            As we got to know each other on a more personal basis, my feelings for him grew, until I realized that I not only saw him as a friend, or a good friend, but I saw him as someone that I liked in a different way. I tried everything I could to push those feelings away, but the more I pushed, the more those feelings grew. Until the day came where I couldn’t deny the feelings anymore, and we had “the talk.” We’ll be friends no matter what. He would always treat me different than his other friends…we would stay friends, nothing would change, but he did care for me.
            We had more “talks” after that first one, but even though my heart cried out for him, I realized that he could never see me in the way that I wanted him too. He was honest with me, and even though for a time he did admit he had feelings for me, I could never do anything about it. The damage was done, he had liked my friend.
            My number one rule for dating: Never date, go out, or even think about dating a guy who has liked someone I was/am close to. How much closer can you get than a friend who was more than a sister to you?
            Guys, boys, men, “you can’t live with them, yet you can’t live without them.” How ironic life seems. As I look back to my history with guys, I noticed that with each guy that I have been with, that I have liked, that I have had a fling with, it was always different. However, each time, I was hurt, each time I gave my heart away only to have it thrown back in my face, bleeding, broken and in pieces. Whether it be intentionally or non-intentionally, it doesn’t matter, my heart is now a scar that is harden by the fact that it was abused, that it was used, that it was broken one to many times.
            If faced with the question, “what is better, to love or to have never love” what is the answer? "To love" is to get hurt, to get rejected, to open yourself up to the world to look at you, bare naked and broken. To give your heart away is to have it stomped on, trampled, smashed, and broken up before it is returned to you in pieces to many to count. However, "to have never loved" is to never know the feeling of waking up knowing that you are cared for, is to never know the feeling of true happiness; to never know the feeling of being in a persons arms feeling secure and safe knowing that that person would never let anything happen to you.
            Love is a risk that you have to take. It is a risk between knowing that you will find your soul mate and knowing that there is a fifty-fifty chance of having your heart returned to you with pieces of it missing. Is love worth that risk?
            Would you be content to live a life of solitude? Of singleness? Of loneliness? Or are you willing to face the challenges that a relationship brings in order to find your “other half”? Is it true that everyone has a soul mate? Is it true that somewhere in this big world there is a person for everyone? Is it true that there will be a time you will give your heart away, and in return you get back a heart that is yours to keep and to take care of and to love? I don’t know, but I do know that guys are assholes, and if you don’t want to live a life with an asshole, you’re better off with just keeping the male species at arms length, and only offer your friendship and love as a friend, in order to keep your heart guarded from pain.

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Thursday, August 25, 2005

Can't sleep.

goodness gracious...i HATE it when i can't sleep! can't wait for tommarow gonna hang out with my little sister...haven't done that all week...well i know that i hung out with her today...but then oh was fun...really fun...laughed a lot...and had a good talking time. i really wish that i could go with her to malaysa...that would be so much fun! damn...i really REALLY want to travel! i wanna go everyone and juss! you know what?! i think that it would be really cool if i could travel different in the whole universe and some! meet all those aliens out there that people say that exsist...or it would be really cool if i could travel UNDERWATER! you know the different places underwater. i wonder how it's like under there. Is it like how it is in "the little mermaid" or is it more like "finding nemo" or more like outer space, but underwater. what IS it like under there. that would be really cool to be under the must be really dark under there though...i mean, how far can light travel underwater...and then when it's night must be scary dark under there! Space is pretty dark too, huh? i really want to see the world though in space...i see all though picture's and it's beautiful...i remember when i was little and i wanted to be that famous singer...i wanted my first music video to be on the moon! my goodness...i wanted to be so many weird things when i was little...a singer....a mood catcher...a mermaid...whoops...not when i was little...i still want to be a mermaid. but now it's more like to serious things...Early Childhood Education...Journalism....Communications.... Speech Language Pathology....i'm not sure...between the journalism and communications...but i am sure that i want to work with the little kids...they are so adorable! i love playing with them...they are sooo curious, fun and SoO unpredictable! i love it! whenever i feel like the whole world has turned it's back on me...i play with the little one's, it's like they are so inocent...they look at the world with innocence and like...iono...they are little kids...i LOVE them so much! i really can't wait till my cousin has her baby! can you believe that my niece asked me if i would still love her even when her sister would be can i NOT love my little babygirl?! i will have love for the new one too, but i will always love my Rosemarie...but i still can't wait for Lelo Eric to be born..NO that is NOT her name...that is juss want i call her. Am i a terrible person to joke around with little ones? i mean, Rose asked me if her name was still Eric....yeah, i need to stop doing that...they are so fun and trusting i shouldn't abuse it. I love Rosemarie...i remember telling her mom that i loved Rose so much as if she was my own child...and she said that if i love Rose that much think of when i will have kids of my much i will love them. i think it was because of THAT that i want to have kids now...but how is that...i'm not PLANNING of getting i see it...i got hurt, with a BOYFRIEND...and that burned, killed and destroyed me...and i was barely strong enough to deal with it...and now that i've grown up and learned from my mistakes...i don't want to go there again...and so how am i suppose to have a HUSBAND if i don't want a BOYFRIEND...yeah, i'm so confusing...but i guess that's who i am...i remember when i didn't even know who i am. i still don't sometimes...i know that it's our parents who raise us up and they teach us their values...but sometimes, i wanna break away from them, try my own is so hard growing up with parents that grew up in a different generation AND a different country. i never really understood why they were so strict, why they wanted me to be their perfect little girl...something that i KNOW that i'm not...! it was like they wanted me to grow up as if I LIVED IN THE PHILIPPINES the way that they did...OR they wanted me to grow up like i lived in the philippines but the lives that they wanted to live but couldn't. Why can't our parents juss help us grow who WE are, not whe THEY are who who THEY want US to be! i dont' understand that...but you know when i was in the philippines, i saw it. It's like a whole different world there. i think that was one of the reason's why it was so hard to was something like i've never expereinced before. yeah, i'm sure that a lot of you guys have gone to the philippines before...i have before i went to school there...and it was 100% different than it was when i went there before! i was seeing the difference between me and the ones that grew up there. it seems that everything they parents would LOVE. they grew up the way that my parents would have wanted me to grow up. i hate dissappointing my parents and for a while it killed me to see people that i knew that my parents want ME to be...but you know what i realized...i'm not them..i'm me, and they can either love me or hate me...but no matter what i'm me. I think im pretty much love who i am. i wish that i wasn't that shy. it's funny though, i odnt know HOW i became shy! when i was little i was anything BUT shy! my parents would get mad at me...i would talk to anyone and one to me was a stranger. I would tell my mom that everyone was my friends...i juss had to meet them all. so her telling me "don't talk to strangers" didn't help any. i was always talking. they said the only time that i didn't talk was when i was sleeping...and even them my sister claims that i sleep talk, which i know i don't! oh it was sooo philippines one of my room mates talk in her sleep...and there was this one time where i was sleeping and i hear her talking, so i wake up and i ask her what she wanted, since she was on the top bunk, i thought that maybe she needed something from the bottom that was in my area...but she was juss talking nonsence and when i asked her about it in the morning she said that she talks in her sleep. thats scarey...what if you say something that you didn't want other's to know. i heard that though....right when you wake up, someone can ask you something and you will be too tired to think up a lie so you tell the honest to God kuya stephen told me that if you kill someone 1-11 seconds after you wake can claim that you didn't know what you were doing. that's weird...i mean, i guess..iono...tha'ts wrong..but i know taht when i wake eyes' maybe open, but then my mind isn't working all that know waht is scary! people sleeping with their eye's open. i knew a few people like that. this one girl, she slept with her eyes open and if you move a finger in front of her eyes really slowly she will follow it...but really slowly, and she blinks like REALLY REALLY REALLY slowly...that would be scary to wake up too, someone staring at you with out blinking...or blinking REALLY slowly...oh you know what was REALLY the movie Hot Chicks when Jessica was sitting in front of april when she was sleeping and she woke up and jessica was juss staring at her and she asked if she changed back to a girl yet...that was sooo funny! i swear that movie makes me laugh SO hard that i can't even breath! i love that movie...i know that i could watch that movie and it will never fail to make me laugh...and then i saw white chick...that was hilarious! soooo much funniness! i saw it in the philippines...and i was dying of laughter..i like watching movies with can laugh and laugh and laugh...and they won't think your weird, kasi they are laughing with you. my sister likes to laugh at me kasi when i am laughing so hard i dont' make a sound. you know that kind of laugh, when you are laughing SO hard that no sound can be heard! and then you take a deep breath...i love it! it is a real laugh! oh! i hate how i do this little laugh know waht i mean? i know those of you who know me know waht i'm talking's not a giggle thingy...but it's this weirdness...well, you'll know waht i'm talking about if you know's weird. at least it's not normal, kasi then that would be weird if it's normal. i think that is one of the most confusingest is that even a word?! but it is...if your normal, your weird, and if your weird, your normal..i guess that makes sense if you really think about it. but yeah. wow, the thoughts that go through my head when i can't go to sleep. like i wish there was someone i could talk to now...i juss feel like discussing or talking to someone right now...but like iono who. maybe that is one thing i miss about the philippes..there is ALWAYS someone to talk too. but that kinda got annoying! if you were trying to go to sleep and these two girls kept wispering. i miss going to my friend Redeem and Jade's room, because their room mates would always be gone and it would only be us three and we would talk forever and stay up really do miss it there...SO laid back...but sometimes i think that it's too much laid back...i think i should stop now...i'm juss talking and talking and talking...i'm so pathetic! :)

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Hi and hello.

have you ever gotten that feeling where your heart REALLY burns because you miss someone SoOoO much?! I know that it's a common feeling, but i also know to each person the feeling is slightly different. I try not to let it effect my life. i mean...yeah...he's there...he was a part of my life. but now it's over and done, and i know i need to move on. I guess we'll be friends. if we see each other we'll smile, say hi, hug and all that other good stuff...but it's that feeling of...what is it? I guess it's juss "miss" ...i mean, yeah, a part of you wants to pursue something more and or not...but you don't want too. I guess you can say you miss their company and their friendship....and you juss miss "HIM". i try not to talk about him much...kasi i'll only miss him more...and i think actually this is the first time that i actually really talked about it...i did sorta talk to my cousin Eddie about it before he left...but he understood. i did talk to my brother about it...but he laughs. but i am DESPERATLY trying not to live in the i need to forget about him for the time being and move on.

OMG! so i go to bed early early this at uhm 5:30am...but that doesn't mean i go to sleep. I kept checking my clock to see if i did sleep. You know that...did -i -go- to -sleep-? i -don't -remember -waking -up type of dealio...but no...i didn't go to sleep until like 7:am. at least that was the last time i checked my clock. i think i do like that time...where you have you and your thoughts and God. Maybe THAT's why it took me forever to go to sleep. Thoughts juss kept tumbling in my head. About this, about that...
I wanna travel. I was talking to my friend, and really want to travel. I want a job that PAYS me to travel. What was it Leah? agency that hires me to travel all around the world...different places...museums...parks...EVERYTHING...and THEY pay ME...and pay for my expenses to HAVE FUN! You know for like...a tourist book...or a tourist information thingy...juss something so that i can go places...see new THEIR expense! But i'll be getting the information for them...i'll be sacraficing MY time and time with my friends and famiy... be doing what they want me to do. Which to me...that's okay...i know that i'll return home every so often...and it's not every day that you could travel all over. But then we (Leah and I) both agreed that we need company for a second opinion or juss so that we can be "safe" i have to mention her. and visa versa. Wow...i think that is my new dream....well i have ALWAYS wanted to travel...but i want this sooo bad! It's be so much fun, and i know it! Meeting new people all around the'll be great. And i will be there is NO WORRIES and heart aches when i'm gone :)

Oh i went to sleep (last i checked) was around 7:am right...well, im swear i am in this wonderful place of dreamland when my mom comes bursting in my room...i would say i'm a pretty light i wake up even before she opens my door...i could HEAR her coming and my beaded curtains made their sound before she opened my door. It was a phone call. It was this guy that has been trying to get a hold of me for a LONG time. I juss haven't been hom that much. Okay...this is the part where i feel bad. As i said takes guts to tell someone you like them (much less (seriously) propose...right?)...but it takes even more guts to keep on uhm...pursueing someone AFTER they told you "no" a million times. i mean...i know i dont like rejection...and i dont' like rejecting people...but i won't give them false hope either. That hurts. But i was good to talk to him again. Member how i mentioned in my earlier blogs that this guy has been trying to get a hold of was him. He finally called at a time where i was home. but i was SLEEPING...he was soo funny...he was like "GIRL! what is wrong with your voice?!" If you have EVER talked to me in the morning and that is IF you could GET me to talk in the voice sounds do i put it...a frog? :) he thought i was sick and he was being all sweet and stuff...but i was like "****, i am NOT sick...i juss woke up." then he was all sorry and apologetic. but he was calling from the it wasn't like i wasn't gonna ignore his phone call. I really wish that he wouldn't call though. It's really

that makes me sister told me: you know how you like someone so KNOW that s/he is the one. And you try to make her/him realize that. Or something like that...and they honestly believe in their heart that he/she is the one?....she thinks that **** is like that. He really thinks that I am the one. And I don't want him to hurt. Like i said on my first paragraph...I'M missing someone..and it burns that he can't be here with me right now...i don't want that for him. I guess he is going through what i'm going through and that sucks. BIG TIME. How do you GENTLY convince a guy that you two aren't for each least for NOW. if ever. I dont' want to hurt him and i wanna keep our friendship alive...but it's hard. Wow...if only feelings weren't so powerful...(then we wouldn't be humans, huh :)

My friend Leah gave me her beaded curtain...and it's HANGING FROM THE MIDDLE OF MY ROOM! yep..i like them beaded curtains...i have them all over my room. they are pretty. this one looks like a waterfall down the middle of my room. it's so pretty. :) juss some random thought :)

i'm gonna go eat a banana now. :) 

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Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Just another day.

today was juss normal i guess....well, not really normal..more like boring little sister woke me up right before she went to school...and i couldn't get out of bed...all i remember was she said, "Hey Che, you wake up's BRIGHT in's like morning...!" i didn't get that last part...i guess it's kasi i sleep with the light on...and it was still dark outside so in the room i was sleeping in it was bright. i had an eye appointment today..which i thought was suppose to be on least that was what the lady on the phone told me...but i guess it was today...but it's all good....the optometrist was cool...i got new contacts and new glasses...but i found out that i have astigmatism in BOTH eyes now...oh well, it's not that harmful...juss more expensive contacts. then i got tricked into going door to door doing bible studies...which i did NOT fall into...i really love GOD and i appreciate what he does for me...but then i'm really shy...and i don't know the bible all that well...and i'm SO uncomfortable about going into people's home that i absolutely dont' know! but maybe one lil sister came here again...we talked alot...about guys...ahh...highschool in the past...but so fun to reminise...<she's 16 and a jr. in highschool> remember those days? yeah...

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Makes me wonder...

here's another that i found...makes me wonder...

It’s amazing that assholes can get girls, usually what someone would think. Actually, now that you'll read this, it’s not that amazing. They are assholes at heart, but to meet girls they lavish their undying love. IT’S A CHARADE. They act nice, friendly, and they listen… until they get into what they’re after. Their prey thinks they are in love with them, however when they realize what assholes their predators really are, they pretend like the asshole is really nice inside. The girl tries to change the asshole into a nice guy, but assholes will always be assholes. She gets upset and goes to the nice guy to complain about the asshole. But she claims to love the asshole… now this is where the theory begins. She doesn’t want to look like she is easy so she wont dump the asshole right away, instead she will stay with the asshole. Girls are idiots. They don’t realize that the nice guy has been there all along. He never had to pretend to be a good guy to get girls because he is naturally like that. However, girls don’t see it for some reason or another. They look at the nice guy as a friend, a trusted companion to whom they can tell their sad story to, about their asshole boyfriend. But the nice guy isn’t THAT na├»ve because he wouldn't just listen to these heartless stories without a reason because he doesnt have to at the same time. So obviously he was trying to get with the girl he listens to all along in an honest way through a friendship. This is where girls are blind. The problem is that since he is a nice guy he keeps listening. Since girls get attached to things that pay attention to them, they think of the nice guy as a friend. A FRIEND. They don’t say, “Oh he’s hot” or “I want to have his children” about the nice guy, they just want the emotional support. When they get the emotional support from the nice guy, they don’t need it from the asshole. The nice guy gets the shit end of the stick while the asshole gets all the action. I am starting to wonder if being a nice guy is really the route to take to get action… I have been down this path for all of my post-pubescent life and it has gotten me NOWHERE… at least not in the women department. Perhaps another reason why girls fall for the asshole is because assholes ignore the girl they are with. The women wonder, “Why isn’t he paying attention to me?” so they explore why. They poke and prod and get closer to the asshole. They start to get easier with each attempt to get closer. The asshole finally says, “I’ve let this beauty dangle long enough, time to boat this bass”. It is then he puts on his charade and the girl feels like she has won him… even though all she has won is an asshole. Once you have gone down the path as a nice guy or a “listener” you can’t turn back. The girl will always go after the assholes because there are always nice guys there to listen. Once you realize that you are a “listener” you cant do anything about it… just pack up and close shop. There is no way you will get into her heart… ever. There is and never will be a situation where the nice guy will get the girl he has a crush on. It just doesn’t work like that. The girl wont “come to her senses” and realize what an asshole her boyfriend is like in the movies… instead she will just go after another asshole, and unless you stop being a nice guy, she will never go after you. Women complain that there are no nice guys in the world. Right. They are obviously not looking hard enough because there are nice guys EVERYWHERE!!!! Girls aren’t looking for nice guys… they say they are but they’re not. They are looking for the perfect asshole, but there is NO SUCH THING as the perfect asshole. All in all, the nice guy gets the shaft. To all the girls out there with boyfriends that don’t treat you with respect, that don’t listen to you, and that don’t care about you I say this; look next to you. The guy that has been standing next to you the whole time is the guy you have been looking for. He is what you want your asshole to be like. He knows more about you than you know about yourself… because he has listened to it all.

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I am bored as i always am late at night...or should i say HELLA early morning...but i was looking through blogs and profiles...found these on one girls site...thought i would share...

"Ever wondered..."

Have you ever wondered which hurts the most; sayin somethin and wishin you had not or sayin nothin and wishin you had? i guess the most important things are the hardest things to say. dont be afraid to tell someone you love them.The thing is sometimes, if you do, they might break your heart... but if you dont, you might break theirs. have you ever decided not to become a couple because you were so afraid of losing what you already had with that person? your heart decides who it likes and who it doesnt. you cant tell your heart what to do. it does it on its own when you least expect it or even when you dont want it to. have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had, but that other person was too afraid to let you? too many of us stay walled becuase we are too afraid to care too much...for fear that the other person does not care as much, or at all. have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of rejection was too hard to handle? we tell lies when we are afraid.... afraid of what we dont know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. but every time we tell a lie, the thing we fear grows stronger. life is all about risks and it requires you to jump. dont be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have, or could have had. no one waits forever... WHAT WOULD YOU DO... what would you do if every time you fell in love you had to say good-bye? what would you do if every time you wanted someone they would never be there? *what would you do if your best friend died tomorrow and you never got to tell them how you felt? *what would you do if you loved someone more then ever and you couldnt have them? *wut would you do if you never got the chance to say i am friends with all of my family and they know i love them? some people love, and some people die. but i want to tell you that you are a friend. if somethin happened to me tomorrow, you would be in my heart. would i be in yours? (go and ask someone)

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I want blueberries right now!

wow...and i thought that i was lucky that my classes started at 2:pm today...but DANG! imagine this from 2:pm-4:45pm ONE CLASS then from 6:pm-9:pm ONE CLASS!! and from 4:45pm to 6:pm i'm in the library "studying"....but first teacher said that she thought that it was "not right" to keep us for the whole time on the first day so she only kept us for ONE that meant that i had THREE HOURS TO KILL before my next class...i ended up going to the library and "studying" for like 10 minutes...then i tried to text my friends...didn't work...then i tried to call my friends...NO ONE PICKED UP....then i juss ended up writing. Different short stories...letters...poems... stuff like that. that made time sorta fly...but i wasn't having that much fun, didn't really "fly..." :)

My music for Early childhood education was FUN! its juss like my Art of ECE...but with music...what fun is that!? and my Human <childhood> development...that is a lot of fun only one more class to see if it's fun. and that would be my Introduction to Early Childhood Education. I'm hopeing that it would be fun since my other classes that i'm taking for it is fun. But iono...we can always hope.
Me and my bestest buddy right now are talking about "finding that rare guy." you know the guy that is so rare that you would be lucky to meet him you have to watch out for him, kasi you only get one chance to meet him. I was telling her that God or someone really close to God and me will have to smack me upside the head and literally TELL me BLUNTLY what he is doing in my life at that moment...kasi knowing myself...i would either push him away...not want to meet him...or juss let him walk on by. When i think back to my younger years...i laugh and smirk at my thoughts of wanting to be married by the age of that i can spend "fun time" with my husband while im it's like WHAT WAS I THINKING!? i mean...yeah, i think that it would be fun to have that special someone to spend my youth with...going out and having fun and stuff...but MARRIED! i dont think so! that is in THREE YEARS...and i still want to get MY life started on.

It's funny when you think about it, huh? when you are little you think that you have all the time in the world to have fun. Your parents want you to study, study, study, since you have all the time in the world to have fun. YOU yourself make plans of your life, and you think that it's that easy. but when you reach that certain look back and say...where did all that time go?! I mean...when you are young and parents want you to have good grades so you study and have little fun and you think "when i grow up, i'm gonna go out and travel and have fun!" then you get to highschool, and your parents want you to study to get that scholarship to this one college. so you do that...trying to squeeze in those times of fun. when you do get to college, and you finally use that scholarship that you worked so hard to get...all you can think of is to do good in school so that you can get a good career...and then after that...what next. you get your good career..and when was your time of fun?! now that your have your degree or master's or whatever you have to WORK TO PAY OFF YOUR LOANS AND TO MAKE A LIFE FOR YOUSELF! and you think to yourself...fine...i'll work and pay my loans off and make a life for myself and then i'll have my that time, you either have kids...a husband...or your juss plain old to do the stuff that you have always wanted to do. where's the fun in all that? oh are fun...your husband is fun...but what about those other times where you want to have fun?! I guess that is where you pray for God/Jesus/Christ to come fast so that we don't have to work anymore..and it'll juss be plain FUN FUN FUN! :)

I think that my door GREW. Seriouso ako! i i am gone for around a week and when i come door can't shut kasi it doesn't fit in it's frame that have to really shove it to close the door and have to really pull it to open it!...and it made this REALLY loud sound like you know that your forceing it open or was sooo weird...the last time that was in my dorm room at PUC...and then THE DOOR FELL OFF IT'S HINGES! juss like that...the DOOR FELL! that was weird...i remember...i had juss gotten my computer monitor...and i didn't want it to get stolen...i didn't and that is a whole new story...any dad sanded it to a proper shape, now it can close and open properly. i don't know what happened there...that was weird. i was gone for ONLY a week...well, i little longer...and then i come home to an overgrown door or something. is that even possible?!

i dont' know why i'm gonna say this...but i LOVE mangoes, and all kinds of berries...except for cranberries...i can live with them, but i would rather not. but i'm craving for blueberries right now...juss wanted to say that....

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Monday, August 22, 2005

How Did You Know?

How Did You Know
I remember so well the day that you came into my life
You ask for my name, you had the most beautiful smile
My life started to change, i'd wake up each day feeling alright
With you, right by my side, makes me feel things, will work out juss fine....
How did you know, i needed someone like you in my life?
That there was an empty space in my heart?
You came at the right time in my life.
I'll never forget, how you brought the sun back to my life,
And took all the worries and fears that i had...
I guess what i'm really trying to say,
It's not every day that someone like you comes my way...
No words can much....

Another day is ALMOST done...

you know that feeling you get when you step out of your comfort zone...that feeling that is inside of you stomach...that feeling of excitement and fear mixed up? well...iono if you get that feeling...but i know that i get that feeling when i go some place new...i know that i'm not SUPPOSE to care what other's think about me...but i do. i may not SHOW it...but deep down i do. when i started school today, i was so terrified...what if everyone in my class thinks that i'm...oh i don't know...whatever they think i am. but you know what!? i survived, and i LOVE my class! Art of Early Childhood Education! i absolutley LOVE it! i mean, you get college credit to play and do childhood art. and like most of you know...i am NOT an artistic person. i can not draw and all that fancy stuff...but when it comes to children's so easy...and it's not even all lecture! a person who suffer's from ADHD has a hard time sitting still...di ba?! well...that would be me...but this class actually gets my attention! we're actually DOING something, not juss sitting around taking notes...we are actually DOING the KIDS much more fun is that?! but i have to admit...THREE HOURS IS LONG! but i long as i'm having goes fast.
tell me if i'm wrong...but when you go to college, it's kasi you want too, right?! so why enroll in a class, and juss sit there while everyone is having fun and pout and complain how boring it is?! i mean...YOU do choose your classes right...? i know that there are those boring classes out there, that you HAVE to take...but this class is NOT one of i don't get it...why do these girls juss sit there complaining how boring it is?! it's juss the first day, how do they think they can SURVIVE the rest of the quarter! Iono, that was the main thing that kinda irked me...these way more maarte girls than me that think that the whole world revolves around them...and they are on their phone the WHOLE class period! i LEAST respect the teacher...but it's their money they are wasting i guess...but it does get distracting...
you know who i admire? those guys AND GIRLS out there that are fighting for our country. i got to talk to my kuya Stephen who is out in Germany...but will soon be sent to Iraq...i hope that he knows that i am proud of him.
i dont' get it...why do we HAVE to fight?! i mean people are always complaining the media has this effect on little know fighting and all that stuff...but how do they know that it's not from all the wars and fights that we have gotten ourselves into? i mean...why can't people juss talk out their differences? why does one place have to be more...iono the word...uhm...higher up i guess you can say that another place...why can't we all juss learn to live in harmony...then maybe our friends, brother's, sisters, cousins, uncles, parents won't have to go out and fight and die for us...but you know...I AM VERY PROUD OF THOSE WHO DO GO. i guess i'm being juss a girl about things...but it makes me sad to know that we have to resort to killing and hurting others to get our point accross.
as i was going to school today...i turned on the radio juss so that i can find a song to sing too so that i can calm my nerves...and  KNOW that this is such an old song...but you know that song "The First Cut Is The Deepest" by sherryl crow...yeah...that song was the song that i heard first. and as i was singing to that song, which i haven't heard in such a LONG time...i was thinking...that is true... i think the first time you got hurt sorta sets what your relationships will be in the future. i mean...this girl obviously wants to go for a relationship...but the trust is hard to get by...i guess. iono...juss thought of that one.
hm...well...another day is ALMOST done...and i should go and do something worth while instead of blogging my thoughts down...:)

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Early Morning Thoughts...'s least that is what it says in my alarm clock...and i can't go back to sleep. don't you hate it when you are sleeping, and then you find yourself awake for no apparent reason. and you are laying there in bed wondering if you ever were asleep at all...and you look at the time and it flashes a time that informs you that you WERE sleeping...then when, how and WHY are you awake?! i went to sleep earlier than i normally i think around 10:30pm kasi knew that i would start school today...but i KNOW that i'm not excited about school to start so that can't be the reason why i'm awake...maybe it's kasi of that. i'm not USED to sleeping so early and my body is only used to having certain amount of hours of sleep, so it automatically wakes up. Funny...this is actually around the time that i would wake up in the know how it goes...the morning worship and all. But i KNOW that my body NEVER got used to that!
You know what? i miss my sister. for those of you who know us...remember how we would always fight. i think she was my worst was bad...she knew my to move around my strenghts and knew what hurt me and she would figure out my fears...but you know...i miss her. after all, once we grew out of that stage of "hateness" towards each other...she become the person that i knew that i could trust. yeah, it's still true that it's hard to live with her for long periods of time...we're so much alike that we clash ::does that even make sense?!:: but i know that i can call her and even go to her when i have a problem, when i need to vent, when i want to have fun, when i need someone to juss be there. you know when i think back to was when we both decided to leave for oppisite boarding schools in highschool that i realized that i missed my sister...and juss how close we really were. and that was way back in our jr. year of highschool. well...her jr. year and my sophmore year. now i'm in my third year of college...and she's graduated ::i am SOoOoO proud of her! a RN in Loma Linda!!:: i was gone REALLY gone for a year...last year...and i remember thinking..."when i get and MY sister are gonna go out and hang out." but now i'm home and she is gone...moved out of the house...working....making a difference in the world...and having a happy time. next year...i'll be gone again. i talked to her right before i went to bed last night. we both had TERIBLE reception...but we got in our words...we miss each other...i'm gonna drive down to see her...she misses home and she doesn't know when she'll be i should have told her i was in fresno...she would have driven up to see me...but one of the last things we told each other...was the same as always...but meant probably even more now..."I love you Che..." "I love you too Ate Faith...i honestly LOVE you!" yeah...i miss my sister....

you know what really sucks...? turning a guy down. i hope all you guys who are reading this know that i DO NOT ENJOY saying "no." i know that Hitch is one of the most funniest movies i have ever seen...but it made me realize one is a compliment when a guy walkes up to you and says something ::nice at least!:: it takes GUTS to do that. guys are as shy as girls...and it is hard to walk up to someone you like and admit it. sometimes though, it's frustrating...i mean...don't they REALIZE that not all girls enjoy saying "no.." yeah...i knew there are those mean, cruel girls out there that say no and laugh and tell their friends how "stupid this guy was for even approaching" her was...but I'M NOT LIKE THAT!...if they really like me...then they should KNOW me...and KNOW that i'm not INTERESTED in being in a least not now...but i have to admit that i do get flattered easily...but repeatedly telling a guy no...hurts me and stabs me and makes me feel like a rotton person. when i went to the philippines...i told myself that i didn't want to get involved in a relationship...and i thought everyone knew that. i was getting over someone that i had left behind, and i didn't want to have to do that again when i left the phills...but i guess it didn't sink into all of their heads. Most of the time i would juss shake it off that i had a lot of "admire's" kasi "everyone wants to be with the American" in the phills...but this one guy wasn't even a filippino...he was born in Africa...raised in London. he's nice...considerate...sweet...understanding...can hold a conversation...has opinions...everything that i like in a guy...except i didn't like him in that way...yeah i was sad when i left him...but i didn't like him beyond friendship even though i knew where his feelings laid. now...he calls me...! i think i know how he got my number...i mean...i do have a cousin that i'm close with there...but i mean...he thought that cousin was his COMPETITION!!! what is that?! but now...he calls...and i'm never...if ever...home to recieve his calls...he calls my mom's cell...for crying out loud!!! i did talk to him once...he wants to go back...damn...i said no to him so many times in the i have to hurts. dang...guys...emotions...feelings...relationships....

hm...i hate these times...or do i like them? you know those times where you DO wake up early in the morning...wondering why you are are awake...those are the times to yourself...everyone else is asleep...and you think...and imagine and thing...and juss contimplate on things that you normally keep in the back of your head. you reminise to old times...make up the future...and for the time being...ignore the present i guess. iono...i should force myself to sleep na...i have been on you do that math! it's too early! :) my alarm clock says 5:27am. good morning...ingat....

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