Hello everyone…RABBIT, RABBIT!! Yeah, that’s right, I said it first. *smiles* but yeah…goodness, sometimes I wish that I can turn back the hands of the clock and go back to the time where life was good and easy. But most times, looking towards the future is pretty scary, but interesting.
“Keep holding on, cause you know I’ll make it through, juss stay strong, cause you know I’m here for you. There’s nothing you can say. Nothing you can do, there’s no other way when it comes to the truth, keep holding on, cause you know I’ll make it through.”
Here’s a quote for you that my friend sent me this morning, “I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.” And that is the new motto in my life. I need to be happy. I want to be happy and I WILL be happy. That is my choice, and aint nobody gonna take that away from me. Nope, aint nobody can.
So I talked to my sister and my brother today…it was the shortest of all shortest talks…like barely even a minute each…and my friend that I was with, who is Indo was asking me what I was talking…and I looked at her funny and said that I was talking in English…and she was like telling me that I was talking so fast that she didn’t realize that it was even English! And she asked me if my sister/brother could understand me. *laughs* And I said, yes, they understand me. I don’t think that I was even talking that fast even. But then again, I have to always think and be conscious about the pace of how I talk because I know that I do have a faster pace of talking…naturally, and so I have to talk slow…goodness…but anyways…I did grow up with my sister and brother and so yes, they would understand the words that are coming out of my mouth.
I miss them so much. I miss them more that I can possibly say. For someone who talks a lot, it’s amazing that there are certain things that I can’t even express…except to say that I miss someone a lot. I do though, my sister and my brother…even though I rarely talk to them now, I think that they are still the only two people in the world that understands me the most. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I miss my parents a lot…oh goodness, I miss them a lot…but it’s my sister and my brother that I miss super, duper, uber, much.
This year feels like it juss started, but then it also feels like it has been forever…but it’s juss the third month of this year, and so far wow…things that I never could ever even predict are happening and yep, life is way interesting, and it’s has it’s lil quirks and twists and ironies…and situations that make you wanna juss scream…yep, like I said, sometimes I wish that I could turn back that hands of time and juss go back to the time where life was good and easy and the tears that fell from my face were the tears of laughter. *laughs* but you know what?! Life is good…and I still love life…and I still am looking forward to what the future holds, and to live my life day by day and live today…and I will try not to dwell on the past, and I will not be anxious for tomorrow…but juss smile because you know what?! I’m lucky…because life may be hard, but I have also been blessed. And I choose to be happy.
Aww…so I juss talked to my brotherhood again…and ahh! I miss him…! He is at ....Pleasant Hill.... right now playing volleyball…I miss playing volleyball…I really miss playing volleyball…goodness gracious I really miss it. I wonder if I’ll ever get into it again, I wish that I could practice some…but maybe one day, I’ll be able to play it again. But he is playing volleyball, and I’m here writing this bloggie thingy-thing-thing. And so yeah.
I gotta go now..love you all and miss you all too!!
“If everything embarrasses you, you will never have fun.”
....So, I wrote this to my friend, and I wanna share it with you too, okay?! “’Confused?! It’s when your mind says, let go…but your heart tells you to hold on. It’s when your mind says, be still…but your heart screams go on. It’s when your mind says, lets leave…but your heart whispers lets stay. It’s when your mind says, this isn’t right…but your heart knows no other way…’ ******, you’re right, life isn’t easy, but you gotta admit, it’s an interesting ride. JEverything happens for a reason, and if you don’t take risks, you’d always wonder what would have happened. People get hurt along the way—sometimes you, sometimes the other person, but just think about it this way, is it all worth it?! And in the end can you still smile?! ‘Never regret anything that made you smile.’…” And now taking my own advise, I don’t regret anything. “He” made me smile when I really needed it. Although sometimes thinking about “him” breaks my heart because I’m reminded of what happened…for the most part, I’m glad that it happened, because I hate being dragged along the mud. And it made me realize that I am super glad that he is my friend. I talked to him for the first time yesterday…and I was okay. I am okay, I survived…I knew that I could…granted the past month was hell for me, but when I was talking to him, I realize that I am glad that I took that risk long ago and said, “yes” to him…because at least we both know that as “together” we weren’t mean to be…but I have a good feeling about our friendship and stuff. It was good talking to him…I missed hearing his voice and juss laughing and talking and sharing with him.
Yesterday was so hectic, man! My goodness…all day long I would work on my thesis, I had to write chapters 1, 2 AND 3…and then I had to send it to my teacher by 7.pm…well, I was working on it all day long, and by 7.pm, I still wasn’t able to pass it in. I asked Achalu to go with me to Paseo so that I can use the internet at Mocha Blends and finish it there and then send it to my teacher there. He had an exam today, so he said that he would go with me if I promised that I wouldn’t talk to him. *laughs* yeah, I know I talk a lot…anyways, we went to Red Ribbon first and yeah, I talked and talked and talked a lot…but when I got to Mocha Blends, I was so concentration on my homework…and I actually finished it…by 10.30pm and so I sent it off…only to find out that out of my whole class, I was the only one who was able to send it, and I feel bad now because I don’t wanna seem like the goodie-two-shoes! I was actually surprised because there are some that ALWAYS turn things in…and they didn’t even get close to finishing!! I know that mine wasn’t perfect or anything, but at least I tried and I passed in something in…oh okay, so given 3 hours late…but I slaved my butt off for it, and I skipped all my classes for it too…! I do try to pass my classes…especially my major classes…but I know what the teachers think of me because they see that I’m always laughing and joking and never really taking things too seriously…but I am a serious person when it comes to certain things. My personality though is that I like to laugh and smile and sing and juss joke around with people…when all things are stressful and tense, I like to be that person who tries to lighten the mood, if I can. But don’t get me wrong, I can be serious…my goodness…I can be serious.
It’s funny because my friend was telling me that he could always hear me singing and my music on full blast from my apartment, and so it’s like I never study…but when he looks in on me, he sees that I am studying…I juss can’t concentrate on certain things when I don’t have music…even when he was watching me study last night when we went to Paseo, he saw that I would dance with the music that was playing and I was always singing along with the music, but he was like saying that I was so concentrated on my homework that he didn’t even think that I would even notice the other stuff that I was doing…like the singing and the dancing part. *laughs* And he said that I would read out-loud a lot to myself…I remember back in high school, when I was on the couch reading my textbook with one of the guys in my class (oh Caleb! I miss you!) it was Caleb that pointed out that I would read really fast out loud to myself…and until then, I never really noticed that about myself…but when I think about it, I can understand why I do that…I know that I can read fast, and if it’s something that I really want to understand and get…not like a story/chapter book type of thing, but like school books and stuff…I know that I can skim over the words and then not really understand what I’m reading, so I read really fast out loud to myself in a whisper…*laughs* And Achalu was telling me that when he would watch me study, I was constantly moving, like not even 10 seconds would pass that I’m sitting still…even if I was reading something, I would be moving to the music. *laughs* Or I would flip my hair or twirl it or something. *laughs* But then I’ve always known that about myself, I’m always moving…*laughs*
Oh goodness, so I’m listening to Island Music…and I’m listening to Wipeout by The Ventures…and I can juss imagine myself surfing right now…oh goodness…I wanna go to Hawaii!!! Achalu…June 17, 2020!!! You besta be there! Oh now Drop Baby Drop is playing…goodness, I wanna go to a luau…I miss wearing kakui nuts and puko shells…and oh my goodness…Ate Faith and Kuya Neal…I wanna go visit you! But no matter what June 17, 2020…and some days around that day, Imma be there…shit, Imma be 34!! *laughs* Aww…such memories… “…and I promise you Love and Honesty” *laughs* Awww…Chelle and Cesar…I miss you two…wow, I haven’t thought of you two in such a long time, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t think about you two from time to time…
Well, anyways, I’m bored na, so imma juss end this now…I miss you all…like I always say…*laughs*…but I really mean it…!!
“I wanna tell you, Baby, that you’re the one the one I’m thinking of, but your heart is still with her, and I think that she is the one that you love. I only want you happy, even if it’s not with me. Maybe one day, you’ll open your eyes and you’ll see, that I think I’m fallin’, baby I’m fallin’ for you…! Yeah, I think I’m fallin…baby, I’m fallin for you…”
It’s already one minute past 10.pm and I juss got back from class…I didn’t get to go jogging, because it’s already past curfew, and I can’t go back on campus anymore to go jogging (there is no where to jog around my apartment complex and stuff) and so I’m kinda wind up and stuff…I was outside for a bit, the air is cooler outside and the clouds are moving fast so I can glimpse at the stars. I really wanna see the big dipper…but oh well, I know that it’s there…somewhere…
“I don’t wanna close my eyes, I don’t wanna fall asleep, coz I’ll miss you baby, and I don’t wanna miss a think, coz even when I dream again, the sweetest dream will never to, coz I’ll still miss you, baby….”
My friend asked me how it was possible to stay happy all the time…my goodness, if only he know what I was really feeling inside…and I said this, that at any given time a person can feel a lot of emotions at the same time, ya?! Well, whenever I’m sad, I know that there is something to be happy for. Whenever I’m happy, I’m also sad, because for one thing, I’m missing everyone that I have come across in my life that I can’t see at the moment, and that’s enough to make someone sad! *laughs* But I told him that I choose to be happy…and so whenever there are times that I feel some negative emotions, I juss think of those things that can make me happy. Because I don’t believe in being fake, no?! And so I don’t ever be fake if I can help it, and so it’s like this…even though I could be sad, there is always a reason why I can also be happy. So I choose to juss think of those things that make me happy. Yeah, given, I am only human (o0O0oO…it’s already late now, and I need to go to sleep, Achalu came over and we were talking and then my cousin came over and he joined our conversation, hooked me and Achalu up with movies and then la-dee-da-dee-da and so yeah, let me write this really quick and then I gosta make my way to my bed and get my beauty rest, ya?! *laughs*) so there are times where I am also overwhelmed by my negative feelings and I feel like I am juss so sad, I always tell myself, that if I can’t find a reason to smile any longer, then that is when I have lost, and I don’t ever wanna loose, so I juss find some way to release my negative energy…hence the jogging…and working out…it’s like that kasi…I’ll go jogging so that I can use my negative energy in that way…and I won’t have to keep it all in…and then I have those awesome people who can see past my smiles (even though I am smiling for realz, man!) and actually see that I’m going through something not good…and then they can always make me smile…
So I really wanted to go to the city again this weekend…I really needed to juss loose myself in crazy madness and juss go at it, but then it was ruined because we have this humiliation tradition here in this school and that’s called “P.E. night” and it’s juss horrible like whoa, and my class wants to practice for it SATURDAY NIGHT?! Oh okay…so yeah, given, we haven’t practiced before and we need too, but come on now! Saturday night?! What is that…I wanted to go to the city…why couldn’t we have juss practice on Sunday or something…not on a Saturday night!! I guess I can still be in the city Friday night…and I like it better that way, but I need my whole day Saturday to yeah…oh well, maybe it’s good now that I don’t have to go there all the time…but it’s not like I even go all the time, I had stopped for a long time, and now it’s not even that bad, man! So don’t look or judge me…I’m actually laughing and having fun and not stressed out over school for once, and I need to take a break from school…it’s getting way to much, the teachers are making it way to much and I jusss wanna get it over and done with already, man! Oh well….
I wanna eat pizza. Yeah, I know that’s pretty random, but my friend Matt told me that my cousin was in Yellow Cab….with two girls…and when Achalu came over he said that he saw Eddie too…my goodness, why do these people thing that they have to report to me my cousin’s whereabouts?! *laughs* well, I can understand Achalu telling me…but yeah the other people…(jajaja…Matt, don’t get me wrong, I still love you! *laughs)…and my cousin came here and explained to me as well why he was at Yellow Cab…but now I wanna go to Yellow Cab and get me some pizza! *laughs* I want me some crazy bread from Little Ceasar’s too! *laughs* yeah, I miss it.
Well, I know that this is really short, but I really gotta go now…I’m getting really, super, duper tired now. (And JA! Achalu DID go to sleep! He told me that he was gonna stay up and juss study! But when Eddie left, I saw that his light was off…oh well, I knew that he was tired, I’m glad that he went to sleep for a bit…) And it’s my turn to call it a night. Goodnight and sweetdreams! I miss you all so much and I can’t wait to see you all again. Lubshoo muchoness!!
Oh my goodness, these past couple of days have been pretty interesting to say the least. You will NEVER guess where I am right now. It’s Saturday night, and I really wanted to go to the city and juss dance all my stress away…but no, I’m here at my Psychology Department because the teachers want us to have an overnight class…basically it’s like detention. Like an overnight detention or something…and I have never been in detention. *laughs* me was a “goodie-two-shoes” *laughs* oh gosh no.
I am so sleepy. My goodness, I’m so sleepy. I haven’t gotten any proper sleep for the past 2 days, and now I’m forced to stay awake and do my homework here at the department, and I juss wanna go back to my apartment and juss go to sleep.
Oh, and in case you were curious to know, my “Valentines” day sucked shit…but that’s no surprise…it’s not like I expected anything. *laughs* yeah, I’m one of those girls who believe that every day should be the day you tell those you love you love them. Yep, you know me me…me and my “lubshu muchoness!” all the time. *laughs* But looking at a psychological way, it’s a defense mechanism…*laughs*
But like I said, I’m super, duper OMG sleepy. Oh okay…that’s all I wanted to say.
*hugs and kisses*
“Love is when you don’t wanna go to sleep, because reality is better than a dream.”
Wow, so I woke up hella early this morning, and for the life of me I couldn’t go back to sleep. I hate when that happens. That use to happen a lot back when I was at home, but the good thing about that happening at home, I could call someone to talk too until I’m sleepy again, or at least to go out and do something. *laughs*
I realized that I need to stop complaining about life. I feel like I complain a lot now…*laughs* I have decided to stop. I guess I can’t FULLY stop…because I guess I have to vent and stuff…but then I guess that is what my journal is all about. *laughs*
Last night I wanted to go jogging, but I was super tired, NOT sleepy, juss tried because I had class from 1.pm to 7.pm…straight through…no stops, no nothing, so I was juss tired of being restless, you know me! *laughs* and I wanted to go jogging, but then I wasn’t really feeling it…so I went “strolling” with my friend Ian instead. *laughs* It’s weird how they call it “strolling”…I dunno…*laughs* anyways…so, I wanna learn how to speak proper, fluent Tagalog, and he wants to learn how to speak proper and “slang” English. He said that he wants to learn how to talk like me…uhm, I think that’s going to be hard to “teach” only because I know that I talk fast and I short cut a lot of words, and you know the phrases that us people’s have don’t make sense unless you grew up or were around American’s for awhile. Like “for crying out loud…” simple phrases like that. I didn’t realize that no many people understand what I meant when I said that. *laughs* or when I go “are you f’realz?!” It’s juss so normal for me. So I was like “Magsalita ako Tagalog, at ikaw magEnglish ka… (I’l speak Tagalog and you speak English).” And we are suppose to correct each other when we are wrong…oh my goodness, that was really humorous! I realize that they get their pronouns all mixed up and the tenses are really messed up and stuff…but yeah. For me, I get mixed up with all the different ways to say the pronouns, and “mag” and “nag” and “ng” and “ang” and all that stuff…it’s funny though.
Ian dances. And he’s really good. And while we were walking I told him that I wanted him to dance for me, and he was like “only if you sing.” So I juss started to sing. *laughs* and he’s kinda shy, but I got him to dance AND sing…he has a nice voice.
*laughs* so, Joanna can dance, ya?! And so can Ian, so they wanna start a group and stuff…and Jo was asking him if he knows how to Krump…and he didn’t know what that was really…and so Jo was asking me to demonstrate…and I was hella laughing…me krump?! Yeah right?! I can move but not dance! *laughs* Serious, man! *laughs* But you know me, “if everything embarrasses you, you won’t have any fun…” So I was like attempting to krump in my own way…and it was SOOOO funny, because I was juss laughing…and he was like “what is that?!” And Jo was like cracking up…at night time, a lot of people juss come out and juss socialize with each other at this one place, and that’s where we were…and it’s not like I like attention and stuff…but I guess I can get pretty loud when I’m happy and juss having fun and stuff…so a lot of people were like, what is this lil girl doing?! It was funny, I guess it’s something that you had to be there to understand that what I’m talking about. But it was funny.
You know who I miss a lot? Everyone…but I miss you Gayle. Because if I think back to everything, you were my partner-in-crime in doing crazy anything and everything. That whole, “If everything embarrasses you, you won’t have any fun” thingy was so fun to mess around with…like embarrassing our sisters, but us having fun. I love our sister’s a lot…I really do, because it’s sooo fun to embarrass them…! At the beach, in the store…shit, chica…member the spit balls!? *laughs* I swear if ever I was on the Amazing Race show thingy, I think I’d choose you to do it with because yeah, for the most part we build each other up. It’s pretty cool how it’s like that…like us starting our business together…I super, duper can’t wait. And I think you are right, why didn’t we think of this sooner…I mean, why didn’t we juss become designers and stuff…all those times we use to go to Home Depot juss to “make up” our houses. *laughs* I miss juss rolling down the grassy hill in Benicia, swimming in the freezing cold as water, doing that challenge course thingy in Hawaii (We rocked, chica!!), photoshoots, juss dressing up for the hell of it, doing each other’s crazy make up, FAKE EYELASHES! *laughs*, girl-talk for hours…oh gosh, chica…I miss that.
Goodness, this is the problem with waking up early…I get bored easily and there is nothing to do! *laughs* Well, that’s not fully true, but true enough. I guess, I can go and get myself all dolled up for the day since I’ll be going to ....Manila....…but then, that’s too much time to get ready. Yeah, there are those times where I want to take forever to prettify myself up…and then there are times where it only takes me like 30 minutes to get ready. *laughs* I can see my brother shaking his head right now. Oh okay, so here I’m a lot different…at home, I would take hour long HOT showers that steam up the showers, blow-dry my hair, straighten my hair, then curl it and style it, then apply who knows how much make-up…not too much though! And then another few hours in decided what to wear (only to end up wearing what I originally wanted to wear *laughs*) I remember when I use to live with my brother, I would constantly be going to his room, “Jem, should I wear this or this?! Which shoes go better?! My hair up or down?! Or juss half up?! Should I curl the tips today, or juss do spirals?! Jem, does my make up look too much?! Is my eyeliner the same on both eyes, what about the eye shadow?! Which shades should I wear…does this top look better when jeans or a skirt? Or should I juss keep the jeans, and change the top?! Should I wear my contacts and wear fake glasses, or should I juss wear my glasses?!” And for some reason I ALWAYS forget, right when I have to almost leave… “JEM!!! I can’t wear this! My jacket/sweater/coat doesn’t match properly!!” *laughs* Oh gosh, my brother was BLESSED with two sisters…and when we’re both home! *laughs* I miss him so much.
Over here, I have no one to do that with…and so I guess I can now dress myself now. *laughs* Naw…but that’s the fun of being a girl…you don’t see a guy doing that…well, sometimes one of my neighbors will ask my opinion on an outfit if they are going out somewhere special. *laughs* There have been a few times where I have run out of my house in a panic because I didn’t know what to wear for a certain occasion and I would end up wearing all these different outfits asking which is better…and then bring out the shoes and then my hair and then my make up…and then I would remember my brother and how much he had to put up with. *laughs*
I remember my sister would be so good with applying make up and doing hair and juss yeah. I miss those times when we would be in the same house and I would be taking a nap in my room and my sister would come in my room with all these hair stuff and tell me that she wants to play with my hair. And then she’ll go, “You don’t have to move, I’ll juss sit on your back [I usually sleep on my tummy], and fix your hair.” But I know better than that! *laughs* because eventually she will tell me to move my head this way and that way and ask if I can move like this and blah-blah-la-la-la! *laughs* Especially when she would do my hair in cornrows! *laughs* I miss my hair in cornrows actually…I remember I would always give my sister so much grief about putting “chemicals” in my hair…I don’t really like when my hair has stuff in it, like gel, mouse, hairspray, and that kind of stuff…but she ends up talking me into it…*laughs* I like it when someone is playing with my hair. It’s relaxing, for the most part! *laughs* I’m so glad that I’m not tender-headed. *laughs*
Well, now I feel like updating my songs on my ipod and then go get ready to go to Manila…so I miss you a lot and I can’t wait to see you all again!
“There is fate, but it only takes you so far, because once you’re there, it’s up to you to make it happen.”
....I wish that I could turn back the hands of time,
But if could, I wonder if I’d still make you mine.
I try not to think, I try not to care,
But I guess it’s one way that life’s not fair.
The more I try to think less of you,
The more it seems as if I do.
I hate this feeling, I hate it a lot.
Sometimes I wish I didn’t get caught up
In this tangled web of confusion
In this tangle web of hurt
Oh goodness gracious, I juss want it to end.
I know it’s my choice to move on or not,
I find it really crazy that I ever fought
For that feeling of love that I thought it was.
And now I’m stuck here, alone by myself
And he’s there with her; happy.
Why does it have to happen to me?
Over and over again?
Will I ever learn to not to trust?
Will I ever learn that it’s not meant for me?
It hurts so bad, but I hide it inside,
Shit, I hide it inside.
What the fuck am I suppose to do?!
Am I suppose to forget?
Am I suppose to hate?
Am I suppose to…what?!
I’ve gone through so much heartbreak,
I’ve gone through so much pain,
So why the fuck, can’t I get over this already?!
It frustrates me how I can’t move on,
It frustrates me how he can do this to me,
It frustrates the fuck out of me!
Fuckin’ A, man…why?!
He’s happy, he told me so.
I need to let it go.
I need to move on.
I’ve learned my lesson and
I need to let go and move on.
I hate goodbye’s, I hate it a lot
Endings are worst though.
I’ll not fight this feeling, I’ll juss let it ride
Because one day, I know, he’ll be a memory
That’s all, a memory…if that.
But for now, I’ll juss ride it out
These feelings of pain
These feelings of hurt
I’ll juss ride it out.
I have no other choice, but to ride it out.
[You will never realize how much you care about a person until the thought of them being with someone else is enough to break your heart.] <~~~~ The quote I read that made me realize that I wanted to say “yes” to him in the first place, and the quote that continues to break my heart....
“The hardest challenge is to be yourself in a world where everyone is trying to make you be somebody else.” –E.E. Cummings
The world isn’t an easy place to be. Although I haven’t done any “research” to find out if that is true or not, I think that it’s safe to say that that is a fact rather than a theory. Nearly everything has a guide of some sort to get through, or a manual, or some kind of directions to help you, but life is something that you have to go through trial and error and you just have to keep trying and trying until you succeed. Once you give up, that’s it.
Yesterday someone committed suicide here in our school because rumors have said that he couldn’t take the fact that his “sweetheart” had broken up with him. Like I said, the world isn’t an easy place to be.
Being a psychology major, I thought that it would be just a little bit easier to understand what makes people tick, what makes people behave the way they do. According to ....Murray...., it’s needs that make you behave the way you to, According to Freud, it’s your unconsciousness and childhood past that makes you who you are. Karen Horney, safety and security. Adler, superiority…Maslow, hierarchy of needs. I can know all these facts, but in reality, I personally think that understanding a human being is a pretty complicated thing and it’s all on an individual basis.
When things are going your way, it’s so easy to “know” who you are, it’s easy to get through life, it’s easy to smile and laugh and it’s juss easy. But it’s when the going gets tough that makes you question everything. But it’s how you get through those tough times that tells you who you really are.
I guess for me, all my life I had it pretty easy. I have a personality that makes it easy for me to get along with people. I learned how to trust at a young age so I’m not [too] afraid to meet people and go new places. I am lucky to have friends who accept me for who I am. I grew up in a place that is so accepting and for the most part they don’t judge. At home it was so easy to be happy. At home it was so easy to find something to do to take out my pain, my anger, my hurt. At home it was so easy to just be who I thought it was. I loved to travel and I never had a problem.
Here, I’m so out of my comfort zone, and I don’t have all the “easy” things and people that I had at home. I literally had that chance to start all over again since no one knows who I am. They didn’t watch me grow up, they don’t know my past, they don’t know the kind of person that I am. But it’s kinda funny how although they don’t know that, I have such strong character traits that people view me that same as they do at home…but the hard part is that since they haven’t seen how I was at home and that I do hurt too, it’s harder to show my feelings. I have always had that problem, and I know that it’s a problem, but I don’t know how to go about to show my feelings
I’ve always had certain activities that I could do to release my negative emotions, but here I don’t, and it’s getting harder and harder to keep it all in. And I wonder, what is the real world?! Here in the ....Philippines.... or home in the States? Culture is so different here. So very different here.
In all honesty, when I went home last October, I had thought that when I got home, people would have thought that I have change so much, because here I am nothing like I am at home…but it’s not, from the second I saw my friends at the airport to pick me up, I was myself, the person I knew and was comfortable with. Being here in the ....Philippines...., although I have been here for a while, I’m having a lot of trouble trying to figure out who I am.
I never like confrontations or “going against the grain” type of thing…but like what I said in that quote…it’s so hard being myself when people are trying to make me into someone I’m not. I realize that I can be stubborn and I don’t want to change. I respect and honor the culture here, but I will NOT be corrupt, I will NOT be mean, I will not fall into blackmail or anything that they want me to do. The teachers here are something else…I know that they are trying to break me because I have no idea…but I also know that it irritates them that they can’t see that they are nearly breaking me…I guess it’s a “blessing and curse” that I can always laugh and smile no matter how I’m feeling inside. Because the harder my teachers give me so much beef, the more frustrated they become that I can still smile. I know that it sounds weird and odd, but it’s how it is…and I know that I tend to exaggerate juss a little at times, but I know that I’m not this time because people also tell me that.
They yell at me, they put me down, they criticize me with no encouragement, they name call me, they tell me that I’m not “fit to be a psychologist”…all in front of my classmates and friends, but yet, I can juss stand there and look at them and show no emotion. Then turn around and start joking around with my friends and classmates as if their words don’t hurt me. And I think that is what frustrates them, because they think that I don’t care, but I do, because when there is no one left to joke around with and I am at home doing my homework, I do it with everything that I am. I take their words and pour it out on my work…I go jogging every night so that I’m so tired that I can’t feel any anger energy anymore…I do everything I can so that I can get through with it all.
I have people to talk to, ya…but I’m being selfish because they also have problems of their own, and I’m not one to impose and stuff. *laughs* it’s times like this where I know that I can’t be a psychologist counselor, because people’s problems become my own and I really feel what they are going through and it hurts me when people hurt and I will do my best to help them out in their problem, even if it’s just being there for them and being strong for them…but what they don’t know is that I’m breaking inside and I need someone to be strong for me. But no, I can’t be dependent, because when I fall, I’m the only who can pick myself up, and I can’t rely on people to do that for me, you know.
When I was younger, one of the main advise that “older” people would give me was to enjoy my “young life” because it doesn’t get easier, it doesn’t get harder, it juss gets different and you know more pain and stuff…one thing that you can never get back is time. My care-free days are now over, and living out in the real world is eye-opening, that’s for sure.
Some advise that I have learned this past year, and actually learned it the hard way: everything happens for a reason, someone has it worst than you, never trust anyone with no exceptions, people will use you if they can get away with it, life is anything but a fairytale, trust is a given in a relationship but expect everything, everything is not what it seems, people will lie [or keep information from you] to save their own ass, you choose to keep going or to give up.
*hugs and kisses*
“Always be happy and always wear a smile, not because life is full of reasons to smile but because your smile is a reason for others to be happy.” [Thanks Achalu, sometimes I need that reminder!]