Sunday, September 30, 2007

What the?! Hello...

So, I've realized that it has been awhile since I last wrote in my blog, and so I decided to take the time to type out a few of my thoughts and stuff like that…for those of you who like to know what is going on with me…wow…so vain is me! Me…tell me about you! *smiles* Naw…really though, I would love to know what is going on with all of you, so feel free to write me. I would check out your profile and read your blogs as well, but I don't really get online much. I'm not even online right now, I'm on Microsoft Word typing this out, so that when I do get online, I could juss paste this…how sad, huh? Oh well, I would still want to know what is going on with you. It might take me awhile to respond…but most likely than not, I will respond…at least I will do my best to respond.

So do you know that song… "I Can't Live A Day" by Avalon…yeah, I'm listen to that song…. "Oh, I couldn't face my life tomorrow without your hope in my heart I know, I can't live a day without you. Lord, there's no night and there's no morning without your loving arms to hold me. You're the heartbeat of all I do, I can't live a day without you…" I've learned while being here in the ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Philippines that sometimes I think that I can live my own life. I don't think about not living without Him…I don't really shut Him out…I juss don't invite him through my daily activities anymore. And juss now I am realizing that you do feel empty…unknowingly, you feel as if there was something lacking in your life. Being away from home and family and friends…I feel at times that I am by myself, and that I have to get through struggles, homesickness, obstacles all by myself…I feel at times that "no one knows what I'm going through." Maybe that is true…but I know that I should be able to turn to Him with what I'm feeling. Sometimes while I'm walking home from class and it's raining (it's raining season now) I juss think how, yeah…I'm happy…I'm content with where I am…but is this all there is to life? Juss pointlessly walking home in the rain…looking around and everyone's head is bowed down…sometimes blocked completely by umbrella's held close to their bodies…not caring if their umbrella is about to hit someone's eye…because all everyone care's is about getting to some dry place and out of the rain. Maybe I can live my life without God in my life…but is that really what someone wants to do? When everyone has failed you, when friends and family are all gone from your immediate place…it's good to know that you have someone you can count on…I know that I've grown in a lot of aspects since being here…but in my spiritual life…I feel that that is going down…down to practically inexistence. Yeah, there are those few moments where I feel bad from "ignoring" Him…and I will say a really long prayer…stupidly thinking that this "long" prayer will make up for all those other times where I haven't "talked" to Him…but no, it's not like that. I remember there was a time in my life where I use to talk to Him constantly in my head. Where I use to be close to Him…I always was thinking about Him, always saying little prayers in my head during the day…always letting Him know what was up with me…now, I juss feel like...where did He go? I know that He hasn't left me…but I feel like I've gotten so far from Him that…can it be impossible to get so far from Him that He has left me?! I use to tell people "NO! That IS impossible!" never really realizing that being not in proper touch with Him for awhile can really lead to this doubt…I don't think that He's really gone from's juss I have to somehow find a way to get to Him again…because it is true…you do feel empty without a true friend…
             I haven't been going to church in a long time, because church here is NOT like how it is at home…and I know that that shouldn't make a difference…but it is really discouraging when you go to church, and you know that people are judging by the way your portray yourself…this is a very religious judging country…and yeah, it is true that you shouldn't care what other's say about you…but YOU try going to a church that judges you all the time…even coming to the point where they tell you that you should step out of the church and change your CLOTHES because it's not as conservative enough for them…so therefore God wouldn't appreciate it. Wow…sometimes I wonder who appointed them to be the fashion police for God. I didn't even realize that God really had restrictions…but I know that it's not God, but human's own rules and restrictions…anyways…I went to church last Saturday…I almost didn't even make it to church…because since I live off campus you need to walk through this gate to get to on campus, where the church is here…anyways…I didn't have my ID with me…(it's actually more complicated than that…I live off campus that is technically "on" campus…told you! Kinda sorta complicated!) so the guard wouldn't let me through…he told me that I needed to prove that I was a student of the school to go to church…what really got me was that that particular guard knew me. He sees me go "on" campus ALL THE TIME so that I can get to class…I juss didn't think to bring my ID with me to church. The thing is…I don't really go to church…and my friend who convinced me to give it another chance at the church here was already on campus waiting for me. And when she saw me on the other side of the gate she called out to me saying, "Che hurry up! We are already late for church (it was 8:30am!!!)! And you are NOT going to get away with not going to church…you NEVER go to church…it will be different now, you will like church." Or something like that…the guard heard…and still told me that I couldn't go because I didn't have my green ID with me. So as I turned to go, I saw other people come from my side to the other side…and they showed NO ID…I told my friend that I wasn't going to go to church anymore…because I took it as a sign that I wasn't to go to church this time because I couldn't even get through the gate. I live about maybe ½ a mile from the gate…and there's no road to the gate…it's like hiking to the gate…and I had high-heels on (I really don't have any other kind of church shoes!) and I nearly broke myself and slipped a few times already on the way there…anyways, I think the guard felt bad, so he called me back and told me to go to church…and you know, even though a few people came up to me and told me that my shoes where a little "show-offy" and "worldly"  and my top was "way too low and inappropriate for church" (I even chose my church outfit with GREAT care since I didn't want to offend anyone unknowingly, but I guess I shouldn't even have bothered) it was okay.

It was CAST (College of Arts, Science and Technology) week, so they had a separate church service for all the CAST members (about 600 students)…and my roomie, Joyness is the president of the Fine Arts department, and so today she had to facilitate the Sabbath School and church service…and if any of you know my Joyness…she is really quiet spoken…opposite of me. And so she asked me to tag along and help her out, even though I'm not CAST…I'm CON (College of Nursing). But I went along anyways…I could go on and on about what happened…but I'll juss tell you about the Sabbath School class. We took a Spiritual Test…which to me wasn't really accurate…because the questions where like, "What is God more like to you? a) a rainbow, b) a thundercloud, "When you are going on a walk and you see a mulberry bush, what do you see? a) a burning bush, b)mulberries" "When you are driving and someone gets mad at your driving skills and gives you an obscene gesture what do you do? a) you are driven to love and compassion for one who is filled with anger b) return the obscene gesture" Question like that…you KNOW what is the correct answer…but I think with this test…it's is to see if your are really true to yourself and stuff…but yeah, the other thing we talked about was this paper that was called, "My Perfect Body Wish List." Okay…why don't I give you the questions…and you answer them, okay?

"I wish for …
                           …the BRAINS of __________.
                           …the BODY of ___________.
                           …the BEAUTY of _________.
                           …the TALENT of ___________.
                           …the FAME of ___________.
You know what I noticed? At first, I didn't even think about putting my name in any of those categories. There were a few discussion questions that followed…and I realized that I wasn't really that content with myself. One of the questions that we discussed was if we did have all those brains, body, beauty, talent and fame of those people that we named…would we be happy? I said, yes…I think that I would be happy…but then I realized that I wouldn't even be me. And we even discussed that even those celebrities of Hollywood are always looking to want more. You see it all the time when you see the media of those celebrities always getting into trouble because they want something more…I think that you have to learn to accept who you are…and that includes everything from brains to fame…everyone wants fame…well, maybe not everyone…but a lot of people…but do you think that is everything to have? I'm one to talk, but God made us who we are because He does have a purpose for us. He made us the way we were because there is a reason why we are the way we are. And if you think about it…you can always improve who you are…if you really want to be smart…study…never stop studying, therefore you will never stop learning and getting the "brains" that you want…same goes for body…if you want a certain kind of body…work for it... beauty doesn't only have to be looks…but how you are in side…and so on down the list…so, eventually yeah…plus, I think that if you learn to love who you are, and if you are confident…and you live your life like you want too, then…you should be able to be content with who you are, right?!

So, yeah…most people know that I love those cartoon like movies…like Disney and Pixar movies…well, I juss finished…well, not COMPLETELY watching Monster's Inc. I only say "not completely" because my friend had it on his laptop, and he gave it to me, and then yeah…it wasn't complete, and so now I saw it until…like the last 10 minutes…it's good that I have already seen the movie, and so I know what is going on…and I'm sorta not left hanging…but yeah…I still wish that I could have finished it. It's such a cute movie. Oh! Have you all seen Meet The Robinsons…I think that has got to be one of my favorite movies. I remember wanting to see it while I was home, but then I never got the change to see it…and it came out much later here in the Philippines…but yeah…I saw it…and I loved it a lot. Yeah, no blood and gore in cartoon movies…well, most cartoons at least…
So Eddie wanted me to watch Zodiac…and so I did…kind of unnerving now they never really caught the guy…but they know-ishy who it was…but still…it did take place in Vallejo, and so yeah…and knowing that I go to Lake Herman…and the guy that they suspected that it was still alive in 2002…or was it 2004?! Which ever…that was still sorta recent...and I remember I use to go there with my dad and brother and sister at times and go walking there…fishing…and juss hang out there! Can you imagine if that guy was there…I think I would have died…literally! But yeah…it was a movie that I started watching by myself…but when the Zodiac guy killed that couple at Lake Herman…I couldn't watch it any longer…so I had to stop it…and wait for Eddie so that I could watch it with him, and so yeah…

Well, things here have been pretty slow…well, not really…but a lot more slow that it would be then it would be home…but who am I to complain? Tomorrow it is going to be my cousin's birthday…and so we're all going to Yellow Cab in Tagaytay (/Ta/-/guy/-/tie/…yeah, that's how you pronounce it) and all eat there together…I haven't hung out with her in awhile…and so we will see how that goes…and so yeah.
Well, I guess I'll go for now…hope you all are doing good and well…I miss you all so much and I think about you all so much. Take care, okay?

[Transferred from my myspace blog]