"The trouble is, you think you have time."
There are many, many quotes about time. In fact, on the daily, I have caught myself talking about time, "I'm trying to kill some time...", "Time flies when your having fun!," "Time is SO dragging right now!," 'Wait, I need some more time!"...and so on and so forth. But the reason why Buddha's words really hit me is because, that "you" he is talking about, can very well be me he's talking about. "The trouble is, I think I have time..." But I don't. I feel like as if, right now, I am living by 10 days countdowns.
When this year started, I would have never in my wildest dreams even had an inkling that everything would be crashing down in the middle of the year. This time eight years ago this same thing happened. The only difference is now that it's happening again, I know that I can get through it. The first time it happened, oh wow, it took all my strength and will-power to go through each day with a smile on my face. It. Was. Hard. But I did it. I did it slowly. With the help, love, and support of my family. I did it. And what kills me is that it wasn't until maybe two years ago when I thought, wow! I made it! I got through that tough time and I made it. Eight years later, and it's happening again. I hate it.
I still have the help, love, and support of my family. Seriously, I really don't know where I would be without them. Everything is crashing around me, and right now what's keeping me going is the fact that I did it once, I can do it again. But I don't want to! I don't want to go through with it again...but now I have 4 little reasons why I can't just give up and give in. Those 4 reasons are my 3 nieces and my nephew. I love them. And for right now, I will try my best to remain positive through it all for them. I can't really think of myself right now, because I feel like when I do, I just don't want to, but for them, and because I have a wonderful support group with my family and friends, I WILL GET THROUGH THIS.
I moved here 8 years ago so that I can stay with my family. I had just gotten back from being abroad for about 6 years and when I came back, a few months later, my parents decided to go and be missionaries at the same place where I was alone for 6 years! That threw me for a loop...and then my sister announced that she was moving back to Hawai'i (we were in California at the time)...and brother was going with her...shoots, I didn't want to stay behind so I came with them. I thought that I was only going to stay here in Hawai'i for about 2 years, heal, and then go back to my comfort zone in California...and then my sister got pregnant and there was no way I was going to leave. So I stayed. And I ended up opening my heart to this beautiful place and I can now call this place home. Hawai'i is my home and I love it here. I love my job. I love my friends. I love my family...here. I want them to stay here.
My parents left the day after my birthday. That was hard. They were here for about a year and they are finishing up their time "home" in California before going back in the mission field. I miss them. And 10 days starting today, my sister and her family will be moving back to California. And my world is crashing around me.
It's happening so fast. One month ago, there was no thought of anyone moving back to the mainland. I already knew that my parents were going to leave and I had already psyched myself up to the moment that we would say goodbye. It was as hard as ever to say bye to them, but I already have plans to go visit them later this year...so that made it only slightly easier (like not even a little bit!) to say goodbye to them. And then I was hit with the news that my sister (along with my brother-in-law and 2 of my nieces and my nephew!) will be moving back "in three weeks." Those three weeks is now down to "in 10 days...".
On top of that, I made the hard decision to move from my studio next to the ocean to a beautiful horse ranch a few minute walk from where my sister lives to be closer to them (and also because I wanted...needed...a bigger place)...and my (soon-to-be ex) landlady is "disappointed" in me and has given me the cold shoulder. I wouldn't have cared less except for the fact that the three years that we lived together, were got super close...and she didn't even give me the chance to explain why I made that decision. (I'm sorry, 224 sq. feet sudio was NOT happening anymore!)
So my life right now has been crazy. I moved out of my studio in about 3 days (I still have some stuff there...I technically have the place until July 09), moved into my sister spare room for the time being to help them with packing their things...they had about a week or so to pack (their shipping container will be heading off to California tomorrow), I will initially go with them to California to help them settle, I will come back to Hawai'i and move into my brother's house for a week or two and then I will finally be able to take my things out of storage and move into my new place--a place that I thought would only be a few minutes walk from my sister and is now a plane ride away. (No regrets, the place is beautiful! And I firmly believe, God-given.)
I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.