Night thoughts.

I can't believe that my spring break is nearing to an end. Well, technically, it's over already...we're just living through the weekend and come Monday, I go back to being a teacher again to the younger generation. I still love what I do...but I wonder about the impact I have now, since the majority of the population, it seems "can do a better job that I can, but won't" because they have other things they need to be doing. I know that it's been said before, but there is a reason why teachers are leaving the profession, and when they do, they are shamed that "we weren't cut out to be a teacher", which is far from the truth. But enough negativity right there. What a way to start a post. I didn't even mean to, just it's been on my mind a lot whether I am "cut out to still be a teacher" and that thought actually really does...break me. Spring break has been fun. I beach bummed, and just stayed home with my SassyGirl. And I did something SUPER out of my comfort zone and LOVED it so much. I am blessed to work with ladies who are also my chosen "ohana". One of us has been going boulder climbing for about a year now and she invited us to go with her on Thursday. I have to admit that I was pretty nervous, not because I didn't think I could do it, but because I am always so nervous when it comes to be around a lot of people I don’t know and the last time I was at a gym I stopped going because of the anxiety I would get whenever I would go wasn’t worth it. But I knew that I was going with friends who I felt super comfortable with and so I stepped out of my comfort zone and I couldn’t be more happier that I did because it was so much fun. It was hard, don’t get me wrong, I didn’t get to reach the top, but I sure did try and it just makes me want to go again and try again and again and see where it takes me. It also has pushed me to workout in a different way to strengthen the muscles that I realized that I didn’t really have for this hobby, but want to get! Relationships. I was talking to a friend about how much work keeping a relationship is and it’s a choice…everyday, it’s a choice. I also mentioned how, for me, it takes a real hard, toxic reason why I won’t call you a friend if I had called you friend before. And I can say that there isn’t anyone that I have come across in my life where I can say that I would never talk to again. There is one ex-bf that I would rather keep in the past, however I’m not hurt or mad at him any longer, I just wouldn’t go out of my way for him, but other than that, those I keep close and those I don’t are still and will always be a part of me. For those I am no longer close to, it isn’t because I was upset or mad at them, it is more that life happens and I’ve come to the understanding that we can move on with no hard feelings and no negative emotions. And if by chance our paths cross again, I wouldn’t hesitate to catch up and reminisce the memories we shared. I am a very sentimental person. And I have learned that I can’t keep everything…but I can keep pictures and memories and so I do have my home scattered with memories of special people in my life, and even though they aren’t currently with me, I still have them. If that makes any sense. I had plans of cleaning up and tiding my lanai and garden box, but I never got to it. The day that I put aside to do all that, it rained real hard! And I was just going to repot a few of my plants and even that was so hard since the wind was so crazy that it was just blowing all the soil back into my face, so I said nope, not today! The day after I went to the beach and even though it was a beautiful day, randomly the wind would pick up and pellet sand on me and my friend! But I love that we could beach hop between errands that we had to run. I was joking with my friend that sand and ocean wet hair was just part of our outfits for the day. And I loved it. I miss my family. These past couple of months have been hard knowing that they are far away from me, and it’s not so easy to go see them any longer. I never though that this is where we would be. All apart. We are all so close, but it goes to show that even though we are blood close, are life paths are all different. People and circumstances come into our lives that makes our life path ever changing and even though there is that wish that we could all stay close, life happens. And we are an ocean away, living on the other side of the country….living in different continents. And it’s hard, it’s lonely, and it sucks. So much. But it helps to know that I’m not the only who has to live like that, and I’m so I’m not alone in this feeling. I think the hardest part of it all is knowing that the choices you make makes your life. I’m choosing to be happy and okay with my lot, but loneliness is a real thing and even though I do choose to be happy and okay with life, sometimes I wonder, what will happen I don’t get home, of if I fall, or if I just can’t. One of the things that I had to get used to was even though I don’t like checking in with anyone, when you realize you don’t have anyone to check into with, it’s an empty feeling. The time came where my parents stopped asking where I was going, but they would randomly call to make sure that I was okay. Now, I would be lucky if I hear from them. Whenever I left my sister’s place she would say, “call me when you get home so I know that you’re okay”…but now…I don’t have that. It’s the small things, really, that make you feel like you belong. Being independent is an amazing thing. You get to do whatever you what, whenever you want…and you only have to worry about yourself. You don’t have to check in with anyone, you don’t have to make excuses when you want alone time, you don’t have to worry what’s for dinner…or that you even came home. Being independents is an amazing thing. But it is also lonely. I don’t think people understand how much it does hurt when they say things like “at least you don’t have to worry about family gatherings, or having to take care of anyone.” “At least you can have your alone time whenever you want.” “At least you come home to quiet and you don’t have to clean up after anyone.” During the lockdown, I had people telling me that I was lucky that I wasn’t “locked up with someone or with a family.” Wow, I wish they would think about the words that they say…you do know that they keep people in solitary confinement as a form of torture or punishment. I know that that is an extreme thing to say…but your mind plays tricks on you when you are alone. And I can say for certain that my mind did play tricks on me and it sucked. I wasn’t “lucky”…I was lonely. But like I mentioned earlier, going through it alone I know that I wasn’t the only one feeling that way…and in that way, “we are in this together.” So in different ways, we were “together”. Well, I know that I just did my nails for St. Patrick’s day, but I want to do them again, so I think that’s what I am going to do. I don’t know what I want to do, but I know that when I remove them, I will think of what I will do…maybe something pink.

Late Night Rambles

 I laid down a few hours ago to go to sleep. But I couldn't sleep so I decided to get up and just put in a workout to see if that would make me sleepy. Did it work? Nope. But as I was working out I remembered my blog. This. I remember that I used to blog and I wonder what became of it. I know that it's just a place where I wrote my thoughts and so I logged in and as I was reading through the things that I would write, I remembered why I started a blog and decided why not start up again. 

It was crazy to read that the last time I posted a blog, it was a few weeks into pandemic and now fast forward a few years and we are now, hopefully, over that. I know that it's going to take time to get back to "normal" but things change you and I know that in the past 3 years since I last wrote, I've changed. Things and situations changed. I remember thinking that I wanted to keep up with this blogging throughout the shut-down that happened, but unfortunately where I lived, it was basically off the grid and I wasn't able to connected with the internet. That was hard. I ended up moving to a much better place and by then I actually forgot about this blog. Whoops. Well, it was always at the back of my mind...but now, I want to start up...at least my random rambles. It's fun to look back on. I was reading some posts about my DollGirl...still obsessed with that darling, but she has since added some siblings and a cousin that I am equally obsessed with. 

I think the biggest change is the fact that I'm now alone. My family has now moved on to different places in the world and I stayed here in Hawai'i, crazy considering the fact that I was the last one who even wanted to move here in the first place! Now, it's home and just thinking about leaving breaks my heart. I have a good homebase here and I have my chosen family and it's just home. Finally home. 

Oh, but don't get me wrong, I still super close with my brother and sister and my parents. And no matter how many people complain about technology, I will defend it because it keeps me in contact with my family when I can't be with them physically. Is it hard? Yes. Do I get lonely? All the time. But do I choose my reaction to things around me and what is happening to me? Yes. 

I know that there are days where the loneliness is overwhelming...but I just tell myself that I may be alone, but I am not alone. If that makes sense to you, then you've reached the point where you understand that the world does not revolve around you and that you make life what it is. And yes, it is hard saying that because if I think too deeply about it, it hurts. And it's so easy to think that everyone left me...but in reality, my life path is not their life path and even though I wish everything in me that it were different, it's not. 

I never thought I would feel at home anywhere. I was always moving and never really put down hard roots...but since moving here almost 13 years ago, I feel like this is the place. California will ALWAYS be my childhood home and it will always call it home, because it is. But Hawai'i is my home now, too. I am still a teacher and so it is harder to travel as much as I used to...junk pay and cost of living high, but it's not impossible. My dream job would still allow me to travel everywhere...but I do know that I want Hawai'i to be my homebase. 

Sometime, well, a lot of times, I wonder if I'm still cut out to be a teacher. A preschool teacher. Living here, I don't think the pay makes it worth it, but my heart is in it. But no joke, since we opened up after the shutdown of the century, it's been difficult. Being with the keiki is still so much fun and I love it, but having to deal with what the little ones come with is hard. The fear and expectations of the parents of ALL the little ones AT THE SAME TIME is so hard. And whenever anyone comes at me and says maybe I'm NOT cut out anymore for this job makes me so mad because YOU try living constantly being micromanaged and underappreciated when all you are trying to do is a community service to the public and help be there for the early childhood generation. But apparently we are doing it all wrong and they can do a better job that I can. And I am never going to deny that...you are the parent. YOU are the parent and are your children's first mentor and teacher. But you came to me for help...let me do my job. And that is all I am going to say about that because I know that I can go on and on about this...and I am trying to choose positive vibes here. I just hope and pray that people choose kindness and understanding.

One of the biggest highlight that has happened to me in the midst of hardships is I adopted a fur-baby! My Sassafras...my SassyGirl. She is my 8 1/2 year old tortie cat. She came to me not so human friendly, and she still is pretty aloof, but I would say that she is starting to open up. I have had her in my life since May 2022 and I love her so much! Definitely patience and a lot of....patience to get her to start being okay with being with me. She never really was mean, just super skiddish. Even know when people come over they joke that I just like having cat things laying around...because they never see her. She is laying right next to me on my computer desk as we talk. She is my little shadow and I love her. She is the first cat that I've had that is NOT a cuddle bug, but I feel like that is something that you condition to be when they are kittens, but I got her as an 8 year old cat...and so I'm okay with that. She is a lot better than she was when I first got her, that's for sure! I just pray she knows that she is loved and that she safe. Which I know her former human loved her, but she was more of an outdoor cat with not that much human contact. I love her. 

Well, I am going to try to go back to sleep now!

You were to live.

Just the other day I was talking to my friend and we were conversing how the times have changed so fast, so drastically...and we kept on using the term "new-normal." I wonder how long we will be using that term "new-normal." It's so hard to believe that just a few months ago...not even two months ago everything was "normal" how we knew it. It was business as usual and there was only small kine talk about what this "coronavirus" was. I mean, I understand that I live out on a rock in the middle of nowhere...and my main source of "news" is Facebook or some other kind of social media. I would hear from time to time from family and friends on the "mainland" what was going on. I would also hear from my friends and family abroad...but never in my wildest dreams did I think that something like "this" would happened. 

Schools closed and grocery stores limit people who can go in. Essential workers were the only ones who could go out...and if you were deemed "non-essential" you were encouraged to  stay home. For a hot second we even have a curfew (Easter weekend), and even if there wasn't a curfew, there was nothing else to do, but to be at home. The beaches closed; the trails closed; you couldn't be in groups more than 10. But for me the fear of contracting the dreaded Covid-19 and/or being a carrier prevented me from any social activities at all. I live by myself and I am all alone. I refer to my place as the "deadzone" because there is no connection. No internet, no cell phone...no connection. No Netflix, no streaming of music, no video calls, no calls, no nothing. It has been very lonely. And yes, even though I am an introvert, I do crave some kind of human interaction. 

This living in fear is getting so tiresome and I wish for it to be over; however I don't want to rush it. There are already talk that there will be a second wave of this Covid-19 and I don't know how I feel about that. I also am aware that this virus can mutate and who knows what it will mutate too! I already know that during the winter season the flu is something to be aware of, and now we have to be aware of this new virus that has taking the world over...and brought us cowering behind closed doors away from....everything. 

Just when I needed it, I saw this quote. Here I am, living in fear for my life...but what kind of life is it when all you do is live in fear. I want to LIVE my life. I want a life where I am IN-LOVE with what I am doing with life...none of this fear. There is common sense that you have to live with and I hope that people will exercise it. The sad part is that I am also aware that not everyone has common sense or that it differs from person to person...but if we all just respect everyone and where everyone is in their comfort level to go out again after this pandemic, but I think...hope...that we al make it out.

After all...."we were born to live, my dear, not to merely exist."

Full Moon Ramblings

Last night was a full moon. In fact it was a SUPER full moon and when I looked online to make sure that it really was going to be a full moon last night I found out that it was also called the Full Corn Planting Moon and/or the Full Milk Moon. Why? I don't know, I didn't feel like doing a full on research on why, but it was nice to know that the beautiful moon that I saw last night had some pretty cool names...coz my days, it was a beautiful moon.

A picture I took last night enjoying the full moon.

When I was a little girl, I used to open up my window and it had a perfect view of the moon, at whatever phase it was at...and I would "talk to the moon" because I was taught that you had to "talk to God"...but I didn't really know how. All I know was that God was "up there" and at night whenever I looked "up there" I saw the moon. So at an early age, it was always me talking to moon hoping that somehow my words were also traveling "up there" to God. Also, it was a good visual for me...I wasn't just talking into space or something...I was talking to the moon and praying that it was somehow reaching God's ears. I know now that it was and has and will always be. But the moon holds a lot of sentiment to me.

The past few weeks have been tough, no doubt for everyone, but my feelings are valid, too. Sometimes it's easier for me to be strong for those who need me to be strong for them when they can't be strong themselves...but for some reason, for as long as I can remember, it has hard for me to allow someone to be strong for me. I somehow feel like I don't deserve it or something...but you know what, I'm slowly getting there. Trusting people more. But last night, as I was sat waiting for the moon to pop up out from all the clouds, I was zooming down memory lane and remembering all the secrets I would "tell" the moon...and I miss doing that.

I journal. I blog. I do have my friends that I talk to, however those nightly moments when I use to voice my thoughts to the moon, was so pure and so heartfelt. And that's what I did last night. I talk and talk and talked and realized that wow, that was something I really needed. I makes me smile to know that that same moon that I saw last night is the same moon that was there for me when I needed to talk all those years ago. I don't even know why I stopped. 

I love the ocean. I love the mysteries that it holds and I can watch documentaries of the wonders of the ocean for hours and hours and (if only I still had internet connection!) I could even let it play for a long time in the background of my daily life whenever I was home. But what also fascinates me is the cosmos. The heavens. The sky. I am a self-claimed sunrise chaser. (Mind you, I am by far a morning person...there IS a difference!) I can cloud watch, star gaze and meteor showers amaze me. I look for those wishing stars and I smile when I can recognize certain constellations. Whenever I can see a planet my heart beats a bit faster and when I spot a satellite passing overhead, it makes me smile. 

Nature is my inspiration. Yes, I hear that all the time. What inspires you? Nature. But it is so true. I can not even imagine life with out nature. And my heart fills up with so much happiness when I realize that there is a creator (God) that made all that...FOR ME. For everyone, yes...but I like to think that He took His time with certain things...a lot of things, really...because He know that it would make one of His children smile...me. At least that is MY belief. 

Yes, the times right now are uncertain. Yes, the times right now are tough, and sometimes...well, a lot of times, I just feel why?! What's the point? But I know, I know that there is an end. And no matter how lonely I feel, no matter how I feel like I'm alone in my struggles, no matter how tough it all is...the moon and the sun will always rise and fall, no matter who is watching it...it just does. And the God who created them loved me enough to know...that in my darkness, I would need light. And my heart is filled one more time.

The full moon over the Olomanas.

May the "Fourth" be with you.

May the “fourth” be with you. Haha! I had to say it! I mean, it is the day, right?! I’m not even a fan of Star Wars…but I know it…so that is there for all my Star War fans out there. Not that I’m saying that I even have any fans. *laughs*

Well, we have opened up the preschool again for essential worker’s children. But so few are coming in that we have scheduled times to come into school to watch the two children who come in. Today is not my day, but I am here at the school right now, sitting in my classroom, because there is internet here…and I need the internet. Plus, we have decided that in two weeks, since we are closed for the rest of the school year to our school ohana (basically those who are not essential worker’s children), we will do a drive by goodbye. Where our school ohana will drive by in the parking lot, and we will give them their belongings that they have left in the classroom and end of the year gifts and what not and say goodbye.

It makes my heart hurt. And I am not even lying about it…it really does. I miss “my” preschool keiki. I miss them so much. They have been the constant in my life for the last 9 years and this is the longest that I have gone without them. Yeah, I have taken vacation time - 3 weeks at the most when I went to the Philippines for Christmas/New Years a few years back, but this is going on longer than three weeks now.

I will be the first to admit, I do not know what it is like to be a parent. I only know what it’s like to be a teacher and an auntie (a kicka$$ auntie, if I do say so myself!) And as a teacher and an auntie, I miss my littles so much. Like, I mentioned, they have been a constant in my life and I worry and think and love and everything them. They are not mine…but they are “mine.” One thing that I like about living and teaching here in Hawai’i, is that you are “auntie” to everyone younger than you. My keiki have the chose to call me Ms. Charity or Auntie Charity…and no one bats an eye at it. And for the most part my preschool family treat ME like family…hence the term “school ohana”. Not only that, but my co-workers…yeah, I work at one of the best schools ever (am I biased, not really…maybe a little), but I am not joking…we are all like family here. We watch out for each other and have each other’s back. We have this thing that we are always saying, “Family first”….and we live by it. And we are all family. We are all ohana. And I miss them all.

I had…no I HAVE a real awesome group of kids this year. Well, every year I do…and every year I feel like I can’t love any group of kids that I love “this” group of kids…and every year I am wrong. Happily wrong. I love every child that walks through my door. That walks through the gates of my school. Who am I kidding…I have a soft spot with it comes to the early childhood years. I adore the 2 year-olds. One of my pet peeves is when I hear the term “terrible twos”; I hate that term…I lovingly say “terrific twos.” Again, I am saying this with a teacher/auntie point of view. As a parents, I might see things a little bit more different. But for now that that is how I see it.

I personally think it’s because I CHOOSE to be with that age. If I HAD to choose an age group to work with it would be the older 3-younger 4’s…but I do have love the 2 year-old age. Don’t get me wrong…they are at that “I want my independence!” stage and they will test your every boundary and push your every button you have and/or didn’t realize you had. They will cry for no apparent reason and they will stubbornly tune you out…ever heard of selective hearing?! Yes, try saying, “do you want candy” to a child who chooses to “hear” you and watch how fast they come running. You can accurately compare their attention span to that of a goldfish and get ready for one volume and one volume only. All day long. All 14 little ones. And in that one volume…oh, did I mention that volume is loud. Just loud…not soft loud, not medium loud, not extremely loud….just loud. But yes, in that loud volume of voice they will ALL talk to you at the same time. And they act as if they can’t hear each other talking…they just talk and except you to hear them. All. At. The. Same. Time. And you know what? You learn how to do that. You learn how to make each child feel like they are listened to and you slowly teach them to stop and listen to each other by echoing what each child says and asking that child what they thought of that. And you slowly realize that in the middle of all the noise, the mess, the constant stories, the cries…and the potty training…you love what you do.

I mean, at least I did. I do. I miss it. It’s been so long since I was in the middle of that “glorious” chaos. Did I think that it was “glorious” at that time, no. Do I miss the random cries, the sudden tantrums, the constant sound of loud, no…and yet, yes. What I miss the most is the hugs, and yes, the stories. I miss the cuddles and the random checking in from my littles. I miss the little hand that grabs onto mine and the arms that encircle my leg. I miss the rarity of an empty lap and the random “bop” on the nose. I miss the yells of excitement when a child’s favorite song comes up on the playlist (yes, I have music CONSTATNLY playing in my classroom), the random “epic dance parties” we would have, and how when they heard a specific song they knew to lay down and have a quiet moment. I miss doing my laundry and finding a random rock, dried flower, browning leaf or some trinket in my pocket, gift by a little one. I miss all the flowers the children would pick (we are blessed to have our preschool located where there are several plumeria trees and flowers everywhere!) and I miss the feel of a child pulling my hand to an open area of the playground so we can dance to whatever song that is playing. I miss hearing the children’s voices as they sing “Into the Unknoooooown! Into the unknooooooown!” for the millionth time. I miss having the children run up to me and spin in circles to show of their beautiful outfits and them yelling out, “watch this! Watch how fast I can run! Watch this!” I miss it all.

I miss when my littles would excitedly wait their turn to call out an animal for me to sing about so they can dance. I miss the little voice that says, “lavish me, aunty” (what they say when they want a cuddle). I miss looking over to the multiple fishtanks I have in my classroom to see the children talking to the fish and telling them stories. I miss how they have their own table to eat lunch at, but they still want to eat at the “big table” where their feet can’t even touch the ground, just so they can have lunch next to me. I miss the “torpedo” hugs…(you know that hug, that hug where the child locks in on you from across the way and nothing can get in his/her way as they barrel past everything and everyone just to explode into you for that hug that just so wanted at that very specific time.), and shockingly enough, I miss the fact that whenever I had to go to the bathroom I had an entourage that I would MAKE stay at the door and I had to talk to them and sing to them the whole time least they check under the stall to make sure I was still there.

I miss them. I miss my littles. I miss my keiki.

And I hope and pray that they are okay. I hope and pray that they know that I miss them. I hope and pray that they know that I love them.

Aloha!

A piece I created to remind myself that "Good things will happen, love is real, and WE WILL BE OKAY."

Random Rambles of a Quaratined Mind

It's been a little bit more than a month since we were encouraged to stay home and self-quarantine, social-distance, and/or social-isolate ourselves from the outside world. It hasn't been an easy, by far, and sometimes I wonder if this all is necessary. Then, I talk to a family/friend who is an essential worker...the amazing, self-sacrificing frontliner, and I think, yes, it really is necessary. It's hard, no joke, it really is hard, but I just tell myself apart, we are together.

I am blessed to have a place to stay at night. I have blessed to have a home to go to...a home to stay at; a place to call my own. I live in an amazing place that is gated and is beautiful...a horse ranch, and I can't complain that I am "stuck" in quarantine in this beautiful island of Oahu. My only gripe is the fact that I have next to no internet/cell reception...and that I am alone. I live alone. I am not quarantined with anyone, so I am alone. And with no reception...well, with very little reception, it is so hard to stay focused on what matters. I find myself starting to look at myself and feeling sorry for myself because somehow, along the way of these trying times, I had lost my self-motivation, self-determination, and self-worth.

I am a teacher with no classroom, no students. I am an Auntie, with no littles to love on. I am a friend, with limited ways to communicate to see if they are okay. I am a sister, with limited and short communication to my sister and brother. I am a daughter, with no way to be near my parents since they are high-risk. I am me, with no purpose. Or so it seemed. I tell myself...it is NOT like that and it is my choice to see it like that.

Or I can say, I am a teacher/auntie/friend/sister/daughter trying my best to do what I can do to help them...by staying home and not adding to the problem. I write letters, postcards, post videos up for my preschool keiki to watch. I call/text my family and friends whenever I can. I send little care package "letters" to random people. I cook and bake yummy experiments for my neighbors. I try to do my best to spread love and cheer in the midst of this horrible moment in time. And that is all that I can do.

I want so bad for things to go back to "normal" and then I ask myself, do I really? Do I really want things to go back to normal when "normal" was not the healthiest? I mean, come on, it took something like THIS to finally get people to understand that you have to WASH YOUR HANDS, and COVER YOUR MOUTH?! If normal means not doing those things as much, no, I don't want things to get back to normal. I pray that when this is all over, people will learn and take into consideration what they had to go through to get back into society.

I think what I want mainly is to not live in fear. I hate having to second-guess everything I do, and everywhere I go. As of right now, I have deemed my place, my school, and two of my friends houses as a "safe place" My place, because it will always be my safe place, my school because since we have closed our doors, no one goes there, except for us teachers who just stay in our own room. I go there to create videos for my little ones to watch. And two of my friends who are just as careful as I am, and who I trust that they will tell me if I can't come over for whatever reason. Since this all started I have only gone to the grocery store once; it helps that I am living by myself and I don't have to worry about taking care of anyone else. I do have to worry, though, about remembering to eat. I have found out that with no real schedule in my life at the moment, I tend to forget to eat.

But yes, I want to not live in fear. In fear that I might run into someone and want to badly give them a hug, but I can't. In fear that I might catch the dreaded COVID-19 virus and not be able to get ahold of anyone since I have limited connection to the outside world from my house. In fear that I won't get to be with my family any more. In fear to just make a "quick stop" at the store to grab some ice-cream. In fear of going to the beach and getting a fine because we aren't allowed on the beach anymore...much less hiking trails and public parks. I hate how limited human connection is now. I believe that we are built to have human connection and that without, life can get really hard. It is hard.

I always said that I loved my job. I am a 2-3 year old preschool teacher. Everyday I would come to school to unlimited hugs, unlimited stories, unlimited cuddles and love. Cold turkey I went from all of that to nothing. It has been more than a month since I received a hug. It was only just recently that I was even comfortable to get out and see people again. I live in a place that I lovingly call the "deadzone." It really is like the "deadzone"...so way off-the-grid. I get no mail, no tv service, no internet, no cell reception. Okay, the reality of it all, I do get service, but so minimal that it's hardly worth the mention. And it's hard. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss my kids. And I miss just being around people and knowing what is going on in the world. But I try to tell myself that I need to concentrate on myself and by staying limited in the places that I go, and by staying home for days on end, I am helping.

What have I been doing to stay sane? Read. Paint. Write. Lots and lots of writing. Do my nails (which is my guilty pleasure in this time of craziness). Sing. Play the piano. Play the ukulele. Sing. Work out. Lots and lots of working out.

Before all “this” happened, I used to wake up at the crack of dawn…4:30AM, text my good friend that I actually got up (love my accountability friend) and do some kind of work out. I try real hard to stay with that schedule. But now with long days that seem to last triple the actual “normal” day, I find myself unable to motivate myself to get up to work out. I mean, I USED to have to be at work at 7:00AM (Although, I would always get there at around 6:45AM), so I had to wake up at 4:30 to work out if I wanted to take a shower afterwards and put my face on (side story: love putting on makeup and doing my hair all cute—sometimes!) and drink my coffee, eat some kind of breakfast…and have my morning devotional! That is a lot of stuff to get done in just a little over 2 hours. I swear I am not a morning person! (Sunrise chaser, yes, but morning person, no.) But now that the days are soooo looonnnngggg….I don’t feel that need to wake up so early any longer. I keep my alarm at 4:30AM…blah, who am I kidding at 4:31AM (you KNOW that one minute is means SO MUCH that early in the morning! Don’t pretend you don’t know what I mean!), so I do wake up…but that does not mean I get up.

I did have a pep talk to myself though. One thing about living by yourself is that you are you own pep talk person. No one else is there to get you up and showing up…only you. When I first started living on my own, I would get the occasional parental call or big sister call…or even the brother call to see if I am okay…but now, who cares, right? Out of sight, out of mind…but it’s my responsibility to myself to be my own motivator. So, yes, I did give myself that pep talk and told myself to SUCK IT UP BUTTERCUP! Storms don’t last forever…so get up and show up. And so now, yes, in the morning (very vague here) I get up and do some time of kickboxing and then in the evening (again, very vague time frame here) I do Insanity by Shaun T. Have you heard of it?! Oh days, look it up…it’s something else. No joke. I am currently doing the Cardio Max…and it really is no joke. You want to sweat and feel like blacking out, but feel good about a good work out…check it out. And now that the beaches are open, I try to go to the beach and swim.

That’s another thing. I wish I were a mermaid. My mom said that I could be anything that I put my mind to and if I work real hard at it…I can do it; I can be it. I want to be a mermaid. Are mermaids real, you ask? Well, the ocean is huge, and we haven’t yet explored the who thing…and even if somehow we did, there is more that is left unexplored. That is all I am saying there.  

Well, enough of me rambling about anything and everything. Enjoy your life! Aloha!

"We are all in this together" I created this while holed up in "the deadzone". A good reminder, that even though we are apart, we are still together in this mess that the world is in. Together, healing together, far apart, but together. 

Random Thoughts

Wow, so that was close! This whole week the whole of Hawai’i was living in anticipation of Hurricane Lane. Just last night it was reported that it took a hard turn left at the last possible second and is just missing us here in Oahu. Wow, prayers really do work. Not that I had any doubt that it would…but it just goes on to prove that with a lot of prayer and a lot of faith, miracles can happen. Now I am not trying to preach that everything will be solved through prayer or something…I know that there are times where you pray and pray for something to happen and then the opposite happens.

I have been reeling from that these past couple of days…more like months. This year, so far, has been an eye-opening one for me. Starting from the very beginning but more so in the month of May. It is only just now that things FEEL like they are finally settling down…but no lie, I still come home feeling exhausted from the persona I am trying to keep up. The persona that I am okay when I’m really not. Oh okay, now I am being a bit dramatic. I know that I am okay…I know that I WILL be okay…but something is missing…and I know what that is.

You know how there are moments in your life where you are just comfortable. Where you are just cruising and just staying under the radar living your life…and then something happens that shakes you. It starts out small and then it just escalates faster and faster until you feel like you are just going to burst because that cocoon that you so painstakingly built to protect your heart breaks and it’s just through shear strength and will-power that you just continue on telling yourself that you are NOT ALLOWED TO GIVE UP. Yes, that is me.

What is anchoring me right now is my job. Although several things at my job has changed (and they were not small changes either), I have confidence in my teaching abilities that it is the one thing that is constant while my personal life is in the middle of an earthquake. This was the first year that I wasn’t super nervous on the first day of school or at open house…and I think the reason why is because I have been teaching long enough to know that it’s going to be okay. My life is going topsy-turvy, but my classroom is my anchor. Not only that, but my love for teaching and the passion to reach these children coupled with the trust that the parents are giving me gives me the strength to tackle my shifting ground. I don’t know if that makes any sense right now…but all I know is that it’s my job as a teacher that is saving me right now. (Which is another reason why I will always strongly encourage you to find a job that you love and are passionate about.)

Yes, the news of this Hurricane fast approaching was scary…but the most I was worried about was the fact that I wasn’t all too scared. I was worried…because I did have my craft room outside in the open and I didn’t want all my stuff to blow away, but I was also not that worried. Did I prepare for this impending doom? Yes, I had filled all my water bottles up with filtered water and several jars of water as well sit on my counter…just in-case. I am only one person, so I knew I didn’t need that much food…and so I didn’t go all out stocking on food. But I also knew that for the most part I was going to be safe. In all that was going on in my life…it couldn’t get that much worse. I mean, this year started out with a warning that a “ballistic missile was on it’s way to Hawai’i…THIS IS NOT A DRILL”…like I said, it could be a lot worse.

I am NOT brushing the fact that hurricanes can do a lot of damage. Big Island got hit hard and so did Maui…so my thoughts and prayers go out to them. And if the hurricane did come…it would have been real bad, so I am very thankful that it just missed us. Very thankful. 

But I had a lot of time by myself, contemplating life. School was called off Thursday and Friday to prepare for the hurricane and to stay safe…in those two days I was able to 90% finish unpacking my things in my studio and get things where I wanted them to go. I was also able to catch up on some reading, letter writing, blog posting, and sleep (if only my craft room was set up and my paints where out, that was what I had wanted to do!)…but I was also doing some soul searching.

As I was thinking about life and trying to make some sense of it…I realized there was a prayer answered that I never even thougth to pray. Well, in a way I did…I always pray to stay safe…and God made me realize in one way that He was looking out. I use to live next to the beach. I mean, it was right there where I could sleep to the crashing of the waves…but things happened and I chose to move towards the mountains. If I was living where I was living when this hurricane scare happened, things would have been pandemonium. Although the place was a place that I needed when I needed it, it was not the most secure place. It was in an older house,  right next to the beach. My windows were stuck in the open position and the walls where water soaked. Mold was growing from the ceiling because of a leak in the roof and each day the walls were closing in on me. It was tiny. Earlier this year we had a pretty bad storm and my whole room got soaking wet. Since I wasn’t able to close the windows, a lot of my things from wall to wall got soaked and the wall looked like it was going to crash any minute from the water load it was accumulating...all that from just a storm...now a hurricane...hmmm. So, it was good that I moved. I do miss being able to go to the beach a walk down the driveway…but where I am now I am so much more happier. It’s secluded and secure. I feel safe here and I just feel like it’s a better fit for me overall.

So even though I know some people don’t like the phrase, “Everything happens for a reason” comes to mind at times like this. Sometimes it might not be for a good reason, sometimes we won’t see that reason until years and years down the road…and even other times where you won’t ever see the reason in your lifetime…but everything does happen for a reason.

The hurricane didn’t hit…it downgraded to a tropical storm…but I have yet to experience anything other than some “normal” showers and wind.  I do pray for those that did get hit and I do pray for Big Island, Maui and all those little island that were hit, but I also pray for me…for me to find that inner strength to carry on without having to “fake it until I make it.”

Early morning Hawaiian Sunrise PC: myself

End of the Month Reflections.

The end of the month is here, and I'm still standing tall. I still have my moments where I feel like I just don't want to go on, but each day is getting easier. I mean, I'm still not out of chaos just yet, but the sight of all this craziness is ending is becoming more and more clearer. In a few days I will be able to move into my new place at the beautiful horse ranch and I am both looking forward to that and also dreading it. I am looking forward to a place where I can call my own and just NOT have to live out of a suitcase, but I am dreading the moving process. I have been in the moving limbo for two months now, and I just want it to end.

Koi Watercolor Brush Pens in Black and Blue & Uni-Ball Signo Angelic Colour in White

This summer has been rough. No lie. Things have definitely slowed down, but  I am still reeling for the fact my sister isn't nearby any longer. I miss her. I miss her family. I miss them something so achingly bad...but our ohana bond is so strong that I have no doubt that we will get through this. But I still pray that they will one day (sooner, rather than later) move back here to Hawai'i...and that we can all be happy. That is what I wish for.

Moving out of my beach studio was bittersweet. I hate how things ended with my landlady, but it has taught me several things in life. One being that your landlady is your landlady...nothing else, nothing more. I made her into a friend and treated her as such and so when it was time for me to make the decision to move out, she refused to discuss it thus forcing my hand to give her my notice to move out. But what hurt the most was the fact that she ghosted me (and my family) soon afterwards. I did my best to treat her the way that I wanted to be treated, and got hurt in the process...but at least when I look back at our relationship, I could say that I did my best to stay her friend. I did nothing wrong. And as of now (well, when I did my final walk-through) I washed my hands of her. Don't get me wrong, though, if there comes a time where she needs help and she calls me, I wouldn't necessarily go out of my way, but I will help her if I can. Just like I would do for anyone...but I feel as if our relationship that we had was damaged irreparably, however I choose to remember my three years living there as a bittersweet memory. The time I lived by the ocean.

Lanikai Studio

Since my [ex] landlady made me feel unwelcomed the moment I was forced to give her my termination of leave I had to move my things out in a rush and I was so blessed that my parents were still here. They along with my brother-in-law and friends help me move out 98% of my belongings in 3 days. The 2% rest of my belongings were moved out by my brothers on the 4th of July. And I was able to help my sister move her house. One week from the official announcement that my brotherIL took the job offer on the mainland we had one week to pack up the house into the shipping container. That was crazy! But we did it and then on July 10 we did the hard thing and walked away from their house. More like drove away to the airport...but that was hard. No lie. That was hard. It was a lot harder leaving that place than it was leaving the Lanikai Studio, only because I knew as we walked away we were ending a chapter in our lives and beginning a new one.

Empty House

I remember when my sister was in the process of moving into this house. We were so excited that they were moving closer to my brother and I and she was excited that she was going to have her dream kitchen. My brotherIL remodeled this house and worked hard on it. They lived here for about 2 years and in those two years so many memories were made. So many memories. From countless Sunday brunches, to holiday parties, craft parties, heavenly smells of rosemary and cinnamon swirl bread, playing in the water sprinkles and pool with the kiddos, dessert parties, bread bowl dinners, coloring with the kids, making a mess on the kitchen table with crafts, painting in the backyard, DollGirl rope climbing, walking around the block, the mo'o rock, swinging in the hammock, the tree house my daddy built for the keiki, late night talks with my sister, moving watching with my brotherIL, sleepovers...and more and many more memories.

Tree house at my sister's house built by my Daddy

Yes, it has been tough without them. And I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

Broad Tip Crayola Marker In Black and Red

But I decided that I NEEDED to go with them when they flew over to California for the final time (well, definitely NOT the final time...they will be back! I am sure of it!). That journey was a moment of it's own! I am so proud of the kiddos! They did so well! But for some reason out plane seats had changed and I was sitting super far from them! They were on one side of the airplane and I was on the other! We had reserved seats where I was with the two older keiki and my sister and brotherIL were with the youngest one and we were all in one row (with the aisle between us). But the steward said that they had switched airplanes the last minute and so now they were all sitting together and I wasn't. But since the flight was about 5 and some hours we switched seats throughout the flight so that we each could get some sleep, because in the last couple of weeks we ALL didn't get much sleep with the crazy move. And after some setbacks and unexpected happenings we were on the way to my sister's new place.

My airplane window view of San Francisco

I grew up there. Northern California is my childhood home and it felt good to be back. It was another moment of bittersweet feelings, because yes, I felt good being back to my old stomping grounds, but no because it's my childhood home, not my adult home and I didn't want to leave my family here.

But I am not going to lie. It's beautiful there. It has always been beautiful there. And is still one of my favorite places to experience fall. While there I helped my nieces and nephew get to know their new home, I helped my sister come to terms with her new home and I was fortunate enough to be able to help my brotherIL with unloading the shipping container when it arrived.  I was glad that I was there when it arrived. That helped make the new house a home. One thing that I really liked  was the sunset. I had forgotten just how breathtaking they were there...simply amazing.

Northern California Sunset

I think every evening that I was there, God displayed his best sunset masterpiece! The sky was a glorious color and the clouds were so fun to watch! It was beautiful! The place that they have surrounding them is also so beautiful. Most definitely different from Hawai'i, but beautiful on it's own.

Path walking down to the river

The amazing open nature around them

Just walking around with the keiki made me remember all the fun times I had growing up here chasing lizards and taking our bikes out to explore! I remember all the times we went camping and went to the river to play! The river...oh man, it was a blast from the past to be in the river again!

Russian River

Oh mandope! This river...the memories this river holds! I use to camp alongside this river...and we would go intertubing down it and skip countless rocks and catch tadpoles and we would find the dry river beds and explore them, I even remember attempting to "run away" with my friend at this river...oh the memories!! It was real fun bringing the keiki here and telling them stories of all the fun that I had at this river growing up. I was able to walk in the river with them and look for heart shaped rocks and that was a lot of fun.

I took the kids out for lots of walks while  I was there. No lie though, the dry heat was something I had forgotten about! It was pretty crazy hot...during the day and at night it was cold...really cold. And the days were mad long...and so that was hard for the kids to get used to. I still don't think that they are used to it. But I know that they will eventually get used to it. While walking there I had to tell myself NOT to compare it to Hawai'i, because our walks were a lot different than it was here. But they were always an adventure.

Going on walks with the keiki under the blazing, hot, DRY sun!

My last day there was crazy. First, the jeep my sister was driving broke down, not once, not twice, but THREE times...she had my nephew with her and I had the two girlies...and it was hot. Second, as soon as my sister got home and had lunch with the boyo, I took the kids out for a walk and nearly walked into a rattlesnake! My nephew actually had jumped over and my baby niece (who just turned one and still toddling around) nearly walked on it! God was watching out for sure and our guardians angels were working overtime at that time, for sure! But I was super proud of my niece and nephew. When I told them to freeze and DO NOT MOVE they listened so well. I told them there is a snake RIGHT THERE (about two feet in front of me laying between us) and to not move at all. I had picked up my baby niece and just assessed the situation. But like I said, our guardian angels were really watching out for us because I was able to give them directions to walk slowing towards me and we were able to slowly back off and go back to the house. (And being the crazy one, I had to go back to take a picture, I couldn't figure out why it wasn't rattling and/or moving!) God was on our side because we believe that it had JUST consumed a meal and was laying lethargically across the way because a few minutes my brotherIL came (after I sent him a picture) and his co-worker was able to find it and dispose of it our of harms way, for us and for it. Quite an adventure, ya?!

Our encounter with the rattlesnake!

My last day there was hard. It was super hard. I didn't want to leave them in the morning. I didn't want my nieces and nephew to wake up in the morning with me gone. I didn't want to wake up early to catch the early morning flight. I didn't was to have to say goodbye to my sister. I didn't want to. I didn't want to at all. My sister made my favorite vegeburgers for dinner and we sat outside enjoying the setting sun.

My last sunset in California before heading home to Hawai'i

I stayed up a bit longer with the kids and danced with them and read them story after story, gave them countless hugs and kisses and with a bubble in my throat explained to them repeatedly that I was going home to Hawai'i early in the morning so when they woke up I wouldn't be there. And then I walked into my sister's room and held her as she held the baby and cried and cried and cried. It was hard and I hated it.

Broad Tip Crayola Markers in Green and Black

Looking back at it now I'm glad that I was there for my sister and that she was there for me. I think that it would have been a lot harder if I didn't go and we didn't have the last minute closure. I mean, no matter what we would be sister. No matter what my family will always be there for each other. No matter what we are family. It's just a transition that we both didn't want to have to go through. We will make it work out. I will still be in their lives and they will still be in my life, its just going to be a bit different now. Instead of just driving over to hang out...I will be taking more plane rides to "hang out". And right before I left I booked my next flight coming back. That made it a little bit more easier leaving in the morning, I think.

I do have to say though the flight home was one of my favorites. I had an awesome seat mean who was on her way home to Australia. She was originally from Scotsland and then she moved to London and then to Australia...and she was coming back from visiting her sister in California and we shared stories of our home and growing up. She was someone that I believed that God put in my life at the right moment when I needed someone to distract my mind from the fact that I was leaving my family. It was a good flight and when I saw O'ahu my soul breathed a sigh of relief at being home once again. My heart is in my California and my soul is in Hawai'i.

O'ahu, Hawai'i from my plane seat window. Home.

Hawai'i is my home and my sisterIL was there to pick me up from the airport. This month was a roller coaster of emotions...and I am looking forward to that day when I can get up and feel like it's going to be alright once more.

Waimanalo, O'ahu, Hawai'i Sunset

10 days...again.

I am a lover and keeper of quotes. I like to scour the internet, books, magazines, posts and what not to find beautiful words put together to create meaning. One quote that always stops me in my tracks is the wise words of Buddha,

"The trouble is, you think you have time."

There are many, many quotes about time. In fact, on the daily, I have caught myself talking about time, "I'm trying to kill some time...", "Time flies when your having fun!," "Time is SO dragging right now!," 'Wait, I need some more time!"...and so on and so forth. But the reason why Buddha's words really hit me is because, that "you" he is talking about, can very well be me he's talking about. "The trouble is, I think I have time..." But I don't. I feel like as if, right now, I am living by 10 days countdowns.

When this year started, I would have never in my wildest dreams even had an inkling that everything would be crashing down in the middle of the year. This time eight years ago this same thing happened. The only difference is now that it's happening again, I know that I can get through it. The first time it happened, oh wow, it took all my strength and will-power to go through each day with a smile on my face. It. Was. Hard. But I did it. I did it slowly. With the help, love, and support of my family. I did it. And what kills me is that it wasn't until maybe two years ago when I thought, wow! I made it! I got through that tough time and I made it. Eight years later, and it's happening again. I hate it.

I still have the help, love, and support of my family. Seriously, I really don't know where I would be without them. Everything is crashing around me, and right now what's keeping me going is the fact that I did it once, I can do it again. But I don't want to! I don't want to go through with it again...but now I have 4 little reasons why I can't just give up and give in. Those 4 reasons are my 3 nieces and my nephew. I love them. And for right now, I will try my best to remain positive through it all for them. I can't really think of myself right now, because I feel like when I do, I just don't want to, but for them, and because I have a wonderful support group with my family and friends, I WILL GET THROUGH THIS.

I moved here 8 years ago so that I can stay with my family. I had just gotten back from being abroad for about 6 years and when I came back, a few months later, my parents decided to go and be missionaries at the same place where I was alone for 6 years! That threw me for a loop...and then my sister announced that she was moving back to Hawai'i (we were in California at the time)...and brother was going with her...shoots, I didn't want to stay behind so I came with them. I thought that I was only going to stay here in Hawai'i for about 2 years, heal, and then go back to my comfort zone in California...and then my sister got pregnant and there was no way I was going to leave. So I stayed. And I ended up opening my heart to this beautiful place and I can now call this place home. Hawai'i is my home and I love it here. I love my job. I love my friends. I love my family...here. I want them to stay here.

My parents left the day after my birthday. That was hard. They were here for about a year and they are finishing up their time "home" in California before going back in the mission field. I miss them. And 10 days starting today, my sister and her family will be moving back to California. And my world is crashing around me.

It's happening so fast. One month ago, there was no thought of anyone moving back to the mainland. I already knew that my parents were going to leave and I had already psyched myself up to the moment that we would say goodbye. It was as hard as ever to say bye to them, but I already have plans to go visit them later this year...so that made it only slightly easier (like not even a little bit!) to say goodbye to them. And then I was hit with the news that my sister (along with my brother-in-law and 2 of my nieces and my nephew!) will be moving back "in three weeks." Those three weeks is now down to "in 10 days...".

On top of that, I made the hard decision to move from my studio next to the ocean to a beautiful horse ranch a few minute walk from where my sister lives to be closer to them (and also because I wanted...needed...a bigger place)...and my (soon-to-be ex) landlady is "disappointed" in me and has given me the cold shoulder. I wouldn't have cared less except for the fact that the three years that we lived together, were got super close...and she didn't even give me the chance to explain why I made that decision. (I'm sorry, 224 sq. feet sudio was NOT happening anymore!)

So my life right now has been crazy. I moved out of my studio in about 3 days (I still have some stuff there...I technically have the place until July 09), moved into my sister spare room for the time being to help them with packing their things...they had about a week or so to pack (their shipping container will be heading off to California tomorrow), I will initially go with them to California to help them settle, I will come back to Hawai'i and move into my brother's house for a week or two and then I will finally be able to take my things out of storage and move into my new place--a place that I thought would only be a few minutes walk from my sister and is now a plane ride away. (No regrets, the place is beautiful! And I firmly believe, God-given.)

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

Hurt.

These past few days have been super crazy, busy, chaotic, crazy, emotional, exhausting, crazy, confusing, hurtful, extreme sadness...oh and did I mention crazy? Oh my days, has it been crazy or what?!

I don't even know where to begin. Well, let me just start with what has been on my mind lately.

Friendship. More importantly, what does it mean to be a friend? I have come to realize that my definition of friend can vary from another's definition of what a friend is. Over these past few days I have strengthen my relationships with some friends and (unwillingly) broken others. I have made new friends and caught up with past friends. I have said goodbye to friends and have had deep conversations with other friends.

But the relationship that I have on my mind at the moment is the relationship that I have with my (soon-to-be ex) landlady. I moved into my studio a few years ago, a little over 3 years. In those three years I had gotten close with her and our relationship had blossomed into comfort with each other. I saw her as a mentor and she would advise me on thing as she would her daughter (her words). But just recently all that has change with my choice to move out. It was a real hard decision and it was one I did not take lightly. In-fact, I had just wanted to talk to her about it before confirming my decision, however the moment she realized what I wanted to do, she became petty.

At first she expressed her desire for me to stay on as her tenet, but I felt like I needed a bigger place with more storage room (this place I am renting from her is a 234 sq. feet studio with limited storage space) I also felt as if I wanted a place where it had an actual kitchen and the front door didn't open up to the bathroom. I wanted a kitchen sink. At least a second sink...washing the dishes in my bathroom sink was getting old (when I first moved in, she did mention putting in a bigger sink, but that was it, no action.) But a lot of factors were put into consideration when I decided to move.

On the top and in bold in my "Pro" list was my friendship with my landlady. But what hurts is the fact that she grew instantly cold towards me because of my decision. I have been blind-sided by her frostiness towards me and it sucks, no lie. I feel like above all that has been happening in my life, I didn't expect to have this much DRAMA with moving out. I didn't even want to move out, but I was thinking about "the long run," and my current situation.

I feel as if the older I become (what?! My birthday is coming up?! Ahhh!!!) the more picky I have become when calling someone my friend. I am a friend to all, and I try to live my life by the golden rule...but when it comes to adding a person into my circle of friendship, I am more selective. Why? Because I love and care too much. And I realize that I hurt, I hurt something real bad when things go south with a friendship. Oh okay, I know that I'm no one special...EVERYONE hurts when betrayal happens, but this is the way that I protect myself. (Shoots, I believe I'm boarder-line hermit!!)

Too much change in such a short time forces me to grasp on something stable. Something like friendship...you would HOPE that friendship is a stable thing...and when it's not, it spirals out into negativity and I want to distance myself from that. But it still hurts. So now, instead on trying to spend meaningful time with my parents before they leave for an undisclosed amount of time, I am forced to move all my stuff and (technically, but not technically) become house-less for a time being. Technically, I have the studio until July 09, but it's very uncomfortable living somewhere where you no longer feel safe and welcomed. 

All I can say is karma. Karma will come around and she will treat you the way you treat others. Karma can be can be a bitch or she can be friend, so with all this, I am still going to be me. I have a hard time being mean and petty...so I will continue to be nice and I will continue to be a friend to all. And in the days ahead, she (my soon-to-be landlady) will not be able to say anything bad about me, save the fact that I have chosen to look out for myself and move out and continue with this new transition in my life (something she is not supportive of.)

"Never wish them pain. That's not who you are. If they caused you pain, they must have pain inside. Wish them healing. That's what they need."-Najwa Zebian