The end of the month is here, and I'm still standing tall. I still have my moments where I feel like I just don't want to go on, but each day is getting easier. I mean, I'm still not out of chaos just yet, but the sight of all this craziness is ending is becoming more and more clearer. In a few days I will be able to move into my new place at the beautiful horse ranch and I am both looking forward to that and also dreading it. I am looking forward to a place where I can call my own and just NOT have to live out of a suitcase, but I am dreading the moving process. I have been in the moving limbo for two months now, and I just want it to end.
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| Koi Watercolor Brush Pens in Black and Blue & Uni-Ball Signo Angelic Colour in White |
This summer has been rough. No lie. Things have definitely slowed down, but I am still reeling for the fact my sister isn't nearby any longer. I miss her. I miss her family. I miss them something so achingly bad...but our ohana bond is so strong that I have no doubt that we will get through this. But I still pray that they will one day (sooner, rather than later) move back here to Hawai'i...and that we can all be happy. That is what I wish for.
Moving out of my beach studio was bittersweet. I hate how things ended with my landlady, but it has taught me several things in life. One being that your landlady is your landlady...nothing else, nothing more. I made her into a friend and treated her as such and so when it was time for me to make the decision to move out, she refused to discuss it thus forcing my hand to give her my notice to move out. But what hurt the most was the fact that she ghosted me (and my family) soon afterwards. I did my best to treat her the way that I wanted to be treated, and got hurt in the process...but at least when I look back at our relationship, I could say that I did my best to stay her friend. I did nothing wrong. And as of now (well, when I did my final walk-through) I washed my hands of her. Don't get me wrong, though, if there comes a time where she needs help and she calls me, I wouldn't necessarily go out of my way, but I will help her if I can. Just like I would do for anyone...but I feel as if our relationship that we had was damaged irreparably, however I choose to remember my three years living there as a bittersweet memory. The time I lived by the ocean.
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| Lanikai Studio |
Since my [ex] landlady made me feel unwelcomed the moment I was forced to give her my termination of leave I had to move my things out in a rush and I was so blessed that my parents were still here. They along with my brother-in-law and friends help me move out 98% of my belongings in 3 days. The 2% rest of my belongings were moved out by my brothers on the 4th of July. And I was able to help my sister move her house. One week from the official announcement that my brotherIL took the job offer on the mainland we had one week to pack up the house into the shipping container. That was crazy! But we did it and then on July 10 we did the hard thing and walked away from their house. More like drove away to the airport...but that was hard. No lie. That was hard. It was a lot harder leaving that place than it was leaving the Lanikai Studio, only because I knew as we walked away we were ending a chapter in our lives and beginning a new one.
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| Empty House |
I remember when my sister was in the process of moving into this house. We were so excited that they were moving closer to my brother and I and she was excited that she was going to have her dream kitchen. My brotherIL remodeled this house and worked hard on it. They lived here for about 2 years and in those two years so many memories were made. So many memories. From countless Sunday brunches, to holiday parties, craft parties, heavenly smells of rosemary and cinnamon swirl bread, playing in the water sprinkles and pool with the kiddos, dessert parties, bread bowl dinners, coloring with the kids, making a mess on the kitchen table with crafts, painting in the backyard, DollGirl rope climbing, walking around the block, the mo'o rock, swinging in the hammock, the tree house my daddy built for the keiki, late night talks with my sister, moving watching with my brotherIL, sleepovers...and more and many more memories.
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| Tree house at my sister's house built by my Daddy |
Yes, it has been tough without them. And I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
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| Broad Tip Crayola Marker In Black and Red |
But I decided that I NEEDED to go with them when they flew over to California for the final time (well, definitely NOT the final time...they will be back! I am sure of it!). That journey was a moment of it's own! I am so proud of the kiddos! They did so well! But for some reason out plane seats had changed and I was sitting super far from them! They were on one side of the airplane and I was on the other! We had reserved seats where I was with the two older keiki and my sister and brotherIL were with the youngest one and we were all in one row (with the aisle between us). But the steward said that they had switched airplanes the last minute and so now they were all sitting together and I wasn't. But since the flight was about 5 and some hours we switched seats throughout the flight so that we each could get some sleep, because in the last couple of weeks we ALL didn't get much sleep with the crazy move. And after some setbacks and unexpected happenings we were on the way to my sister's new place.
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| My airplane window view of San Francisco |
I grew up there. Northern California is my childhood home and it felt good to be back. It was another moment of bittersweet feelings, because yes, I felt good being back to my old stomping grounds, but no because it's my
childhood home, not my adult home and I didn't want to leave my family here.
But I am not going to lie. It's beautiful there. It has always been beautiful there. And is still one of my favorite places to experience fall. While there I helped my nieces and nephew get to know their new home, I helped my sister come to terms with her new home and I was fortunate enough to be able to help my brotherIL with unloading the shipping container when it arrived. I was glad that I was there when it arrived. That helped make the new house a home. One thing that I really liked was the sunset. I had forgotten just how breathtaking they were there...simply amazing.
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| Northern California Sunset |
I think every evening that I was there, God displayed his best sunset masterpiece! The sky was a glorious color and the clouds were so fun to watch! It was beautiful! The place that they have surrounding them is also so beautiful. Most definitely different from Hawai'i, but beautiful on it's own.
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| Path walking down to the river |
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| The amazing open nature around them |
Just walking around with the keiki made me remember all the fun times I had growing up here chasing lizards and taking our bikes out to explore! I remember all the times we went camping and went to the river to play! The river...oh man, it was a blast from the past to be in the river again!
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Russian River
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Oh mandope! This river...the memories this river holds! I use to camp alongside this river...and we would go intertubing down it and skip countless rocks and catch tadpoles and we would find the dry river beds and explore them, I even remember attempting to "run away" with my friend at this river...oh the memories!! It was real fun bringing the keiki here and telling them stories of all the fun that I had at this river growing up. I was able to walk in the river with them and look for heart shaped rocks and that was a lot of fun.
I took the kids out for lots of walks while I was there. No lie though, the dry heat was something I had forgotten about! It was pretty crazy hot...during the day and at night it was cold...really cold. And the days were mad long...and so that was hard for the kids to get used to. I still don't think that they are used to it. But I know that they will eventually get used to it. While walking there I had to tell myself NOT to compare it to Hawai'i, because our walks were a lot different than it was here. But they were always an adventure.
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Going on walks with the keiki under the blazing, hot, DRY sun!
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My last day there was crazy. First, the jeep my sister was driving broke down, not once, not twice, but THREE times...she had my nephew with her and I had the two girlies...and it was hot. Second, as soon as my sister got home and had lunch with the boyo, I took the kids out for a walk and nearly walked into a rattlesnake! My nephew actually had jumped over and my baby niece (who just turned one and still toddling around) nearly walked on it! God was watching out for sure and our guardians angels were working overtime at that time, for sure! But I was super proud of my niece and nephew. When I told them to freeze and DO NOT MOVE they listened so well. I told them there is a snake RIGHT THERE (about two feet in front of me laying between us) and to not move at all. I had picked up my baby niece and just assessed the situation. But like I said, our guardian angels were really watching out for us because I was able to give them directions to walk slowing towards me and we were able to slowly back off and go back to the house. (And being the crazy one, I had to go back to take a picture, I couldn't figure out why it wasn't rattling and/or moving!) God was on our side because we believe that it had JUST consumed a meal and was laying lethargically across the way because a few minutes my brotherIL came (after I sent him a picture) and his co-worker was able to find it and dispose of it our of harms way, for us and for it. Quite an adventure, ya?!
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| Our encounter with the rattlesnake! |
My last day there was hard. It was super hard. I didn't want to leave them in the morning. I didn't want my nieces and nephew to wake up in the morning with me gone. I didn't want to wake up early to catch the early morning flight. I didn't was to have to say goodbye to my sister. I didn't want to. I didn't want to at all. My sister made my favorite vegeburgers for dinner and we sat outside enjoying the setting sun.
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| My last sunset in California before heading home to Hawai'i |
I stayed up a bit longer with the kids and danced with them and read them story after story, gave them countless hugs and kisses and with a bubble in my throat explained to them repeatedly that I was going home to Hawai'i early in the morning so when they woke up I wouldn't be there. And then I walked into my sister's room and held her as she held the baby and cried and cried and cried. It was hard and I hated it.
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| Broad Tip Crayola Markers in Green and Black |
Looking back at it now I'm glad that I was there for my sister and that she was there for me. I think that it would have been a lot harder if I didn't go and we didn't have the last minute closure. I mean, no matter what we would be sister. No matter what my family will always be there for each other. No matter what we are family. It's just a transition that we both didn't want to have to go through. We will make it work out. I will still be in their lives and they will still be in my life, its just going to be a bit different now. Instead of just driving over to hang out...I will be taking more plane rides to "hang out". And right before I left I booked my next flight coming back. That made it a little bit more easier leaving in the morning, I think.
I do have to say though the flight home was one of my favorites. I had an awesome seat mean who was on her way home to Australia. She was originally from Scotsland and then she moved to London and then to Australia...and she was coming back from visiting her sister in California and we shared stories of our home and growing up. She was someone that I believed that God put in my life at the right moment when I needed someone to distract my mind from the fact that I was leaving my family. It was a good flight and when I saw O'ahu my soul breathed a sigh of relief at being home once again. My heart is in my California and my soul is in Hawai'i.
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| O'ahu, Hawai'i from my plane seat window. Home. |
Hawai'i is my home and my sisterIL was there to pick me up from the airport. This month was a roller coaster of emotions...and I am looking forward to that day when I can get up and feel like it's going to be alright once more.
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| Waimanalo, O'ahu, Hawai'i Sunset |
