It's been
a little bit more than a month since we were encouraged to stay home and
self-quarantine, social-distance, and/or social-isolate ourselves from the
outside world. It hasn't been an easy, by far, and sometimes I wonder if this
all is necessary. Then, I talk to a family/friend who is an essential
worker...the amazing, self-sacrificing frontliner, and I think, yes, it really
is necessary. It's hard, no joke, it really is hard, but I just tell myself
apart, we are together.
I am blessed to have a place to
stay at night. I have blessed to have a home to go to...a home to stay at; a
place to call my own. I live in an amazing place that is gated and is
beautiful...a horse ranch, and I can't complain that I am "stuck" in
quarantine in this beautiful island of Oahu. My only gripe is the fact that I
have next to no internet/cell reception...and that I am alone. I live alone. I
am not quarantined with anyone, so I am alone. And with no reception...well,
with very little reception, it is so hard to stay focused on what matters. I
find myself starting to look at myself and feeling sorry for myself because
somehow, along the way of these trying times, I had lost my self-motivation,
self-determination, and self-worth.
I am a teacher with no classroom,
no students. I am an Auntie, with no littles to love on. I am a friend, with
limited ways to communicate to see if they are okay. I am a sister, with
limited and short communication to my sister and brother. I am a daughter, with
no way to be near my parents since they are high-risk. I am me, with no
purpose. Or so it seemed. I tell myself...it is NOT like that and it is my
choice to see it like that.
Or I can say, I am a
teacher/auntie/friend/sister/daughter trying my best to do what I can do to
help them...by staying home and not adding to the problem. I write letters,
postcards, post videos up for my preschool keiki to watch. I call/text my
family and friends whenever I can. I send little care package
"letters" to random people. I cook and bake yummy experiments for my
neighbors. I try to do my best to spread love and cheer in the midst of this
horrible moment in time. And that is all that I can do.
I want so bad for things to go back
to "normal" and then I ask myself, do I really? Do I really want
things to go back to normal when "normal" was not the healthiest? I
mean, come on, it took something like THIS to finally get people to understand
that you have to WASH YOUR HANDS, and COVER YOUR MOUTH?! If normal means not
doing those things as much, no, I don't want things to get back to normal. I
pray that when this is all over, people will learn and take into consideration
what they had to go through to get back into society.
I think what I want mainly is to
not live in fear. I hate having to second-guess everything I do, and everywhere
I go. As of right now, I have deemed my place, my school, and two of my friends
houses as a "safe place" My place, because it will always be my safe
place, my school because since we have closed our doors, no one goes there,
except for us teachers who just stay in our own room. I go there to create
videos for my little ones to watch. And two of my friends who are just as
careful as I am, and who I trust that they will tell me if I can't come over
for whatever reason. Since this all started I have only gone to the grocery
store once; it helps that I am living by myself and I don't have to worry about
taking care of anyone else. I do have to worry, though, about remembering to
eat. I have found out that with no real schedule in my life at the moment, I
tend to forget to eat.
But yes, I want to not live in
fear. In fear that I might run into someone and want to badly give them a hug,
but I can't. In fear that I might catch the dreaded COVID-19 virus and not be
able to get ahold of anyone since I have limited connection to the outside
world from my house. In fear that I won't get to be with my family any more. In
fear to just make a "quick stop" at the store to grab some ice-cream.
In fear of going to the beach and getting a fine because we aren't allowed on
the beach anymore...much less hiking trails and public parks. I hate how
limited human connection is now. I believe that we are built to have human
connection and that without, life can get really hard. It is hard.
I always said that I loved my job.
I am a 2-3 year old preschool teacher. Everyday I would come to school to
unlimited hugs, unlimited stories, unlimited cuddles and love. Cold turkey I
went from all of that to nothing. It has been more than a month since I
received a hug. It was only just recently that I was even comfortable to get
out and see people again. I live in a place that I lovingly call the
"deadzone." It really is like the "deadzone"...so way
off-the-grid. I get no mail, no tv service, no internet, no cell reception.
Okay, the reality of it all, I do get service, but so minimal that it's hardly
worth the mention. And it's hard. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss
my kids. And I miss just being around people and knowing what is going on in
the world. But I try to tell myself that I need to concentrate on myself and by
staying limited in the places that I go, and by staying home for days on end, I
am helping.
What have I been doing to stay
sane? Read. Paint. Write. Lots and lots of writing. Do my nails (which is my
guilty pleasure in this time of craziness). Sing. Play the piano. Play the
ukulele. Sing. Work out. Lots and lots of working out.
Before
all “this” happened, I used to wake up at the crack of dawn…4:30AM, text my
good friend that I actually got up (love my accountability friend) and do some kind
of work out. I try real hard to stay with that schedule. But now with long days
that seem to last triple the actual “normal” day, I find myself unable to motivate
myself to get up to work out. I mean, I USED to have to be at work at 7:00AM
(Although, I would always get there at around 6:45AM), so I had to wake up at
4:30 to work out if I wanted to take a shower afterwards and put my face on
(side story: love putting on makeup and doing my hair all cute—sometimes!) and
drink my coffee, eat some kind of breakfast…and have my morning devotional! That
is a lot of stuff to get done in just a little over 2 hours. I swear I am not a
morning person! (Sunrise chaser, yes, but morning person, no.) But now that the
days are soooo looonnnngggg….I don’t feel that need to wake up so early any
longer. I keep my alarm at 4:30AM…blah, who am I kidding at 4:31AM (you KNOW
that one minute is means SO MUCH that early in the morning! Don’t pretend you
don’t know what I mean!), so I do wake up…but that does not mean I get up.
I did
have a pep talk to myself though. One thing about living by yourself is that you
are you own pep talk person. No one else is there to get you up and showing up…only
you. When I first started living on my own, I would get the occasional parental
call or big sister call…or even the brother call to see if I am okay…but now,
who cares, right? Out of sight, out of mind…but it’s my responsibility to
myself to be my own motivator. So, yes, I did give myself that pep talk and told
myself to SUCK IT UP BUTTERCUP! Storms don’t last forever…so get up and show
up. And so now, yes, in the morning (very vague here) I get up and do some time
of kickboxing and then in the evening (again, very vague time frame here) I do
Insanity by Shaun T. Have you heard of it?! Oh days, look it up…it’s something
else. No joke. I am currently doing the Cardio Max…and it really is no joke. You
want to sweat and feel like blacking out, but feel good about a good work out…check
it out. And now that the beaches are open, I try to go to the beach and swim.
That’s
another thing. I wish I were a mermaid. My mom said that I could be anything
that I put my mind to and if I work real hard at it…I can do it; I can be it. I
want to be a mermaid. Are mermaids real, you ask? Well, the ocean is huge, and we
haven’t yet explored the who thing…and even if somehow we did, there is more
that is left unexplored. That is all I am saying there.
Well, enough
of me rambling about anything and everything. Enjoy your life! Aloha!
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| "We are all in this together" I created this while holed up in "the deadzone". A good reminder, that even though we are apart, we are still together in this mess that the world is in. Together, healing together, far apart, but together. |
