Random Rambles of a Quaratined Mind

It's been a little bit more than a month since we were encouraged to stay home and self-quarantine, social-distance, and/or social-isolate ourselves from the outside world. It hasn't been an easy, by far, and sometimes I wonder if this all is necessary. Then, I talk to a family/friend who is an essential worker...the amazing, self-sacrificing frontliner, and I think, yes, it really is necessary. It's hard, no joke, it really is hard, but I just tell myself apart, we are together.

I am blessed to have a place to stay at night. I have blessed to have a home to go to...a home to stay at; a place to call my own. I live in an amazing place that is gated and is beautiful...a horse ranch, and I can't complain that I am "stuck" in quarantine in this beautiful island of Oahu. My only gripe is the fact that I have next to no internet/cell reception...and that I am alone. I live alone. I am not quarantined with anyone, so I am alone. And with no reception...well, with very little reception, it is so hard to stay focused on what matters. I find myself starting to look at myself and feeling sorry for myself because somehow, along the way of these trying times, I had lost my self-motivation, self-determination, and self-worth.

I am a teacher with no classroom, no students. I am an Auntie, with no littles to love on. I am a friend, with limited ways to communicate to see if they are okay. I am a sister, with limited and short communication to my sister and brother. I am a daughter, with no way to be near my parents since they are high-risk. I am me, with no purpose. Or so it seemed. I tell myself...it is NOT like that and it is my choice to see it like that.

Or I can say, I am a teacher/auntie/friend/sister/daughter trying my best to do what I can do to help them...by staying home and not adding to the problem. I write letters, postcards, post videos up for my preschool keiki to watch. I call/text my family and friends whenever I can. I send little care package "letters" to random people. I cook and bake yummy experiments for my neighbors. I try to do my best to spread love and cheer in the midst of this horrible moment in time. And that is all that I can do.

I want so bad for things to go back to "normal" and then I ask myself, do I really? Do I really want things to go back to normal when "normal" was not the healthiest? I mean, come on, it took something like THIS to finally get people to understand that you have to WASH YOUR HANDS, and COVER YOUR MOUTH?! If normal means not doing those things as much, no, I don't want things to get back to normal. I pray that when this is all over, people will learn and take into consideration what they had to go through to get back into society.

I think what I want mainly is to not live in fear. I hate having to second-guess everything I do, and everywhere I go. As of right now, I have deemed my place, my school, and two of my friends houses as a "safe place" My place, because it will always be my safe place, my school because since we have closed our doors, no one goes there, except for us teachers who just stay in our own room. I go there to create videos for my little ones to watch. And two of my friends who are just as careful as I am, and who I trust that they will tell me if I can't come over for whatever reason. Since this all started I have only gone to the grocery store once; it helps that I am living by myself and I don't have to worry about taking care of anyone else. I do have to worry, though, about remembering to eat. I have found out that with no real schedule in my life at the moment, I tend to forget to eat.

But yes, I want to not live in fear. In fear that I might run into someone and want to badly give them a hug, but I can't. In fear that I might catch the dreaded COVID-19 virus and not be able to get ahold of anyone since I have limited connection to the outside world from my house. In fear that I won't get to be with my family any more. In fear to just make a "quick stop" at the store to grab some ice-cream. In fear of going to the beach and getting a fine because we aren't allowed on the beach anymore...much less hiking trails and public parks. I hate how limited human connection is now. I believe that we are built to have human connection and that without, life can get really hard. It is hard.

I always said that I loved my job. I am a 2-3 year old preschool teacher. Everyday I would come to school to unlimited hugs, unlimited stories, unlimited cuddles and love. Cold turkey I went from all of that to nothing. It has been more than a month since I received a hug. It was only just recently that I was even comfortable to get out and see people again. I live in a place that I lovingly call the "deadzone." It really is like the "deadzone"...so way off-the-grid. I get no mail, no tv service, no internet, no cell reception. Okay, the reality of it all, I do get service, but so minimal that it's hardly worth the mention. And it's hard. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss my kids. And I miss just being around people and knowing what is going on in the world. But I try to tell myself that I need to concentrate on myself and by staying limited in the places that I go, and by staying home for days on end, I am helping.

What have I been doing to stay sane? Read. Paint. Write. Lots and lots of writing. Do my nails (which is my guilty pleasure in this time of craziness). Sing. Play the piano. Play the ukulele. Sing. Work out. Lots and lots of working out.

Before all “this” happened, I used to wake up at the crack of dawn…4:30AM, text my good friend that I actually got up (love my accountability friend) and do some kind of work out. I try real hard to stay with that schedule. But now with long days that seem to last triple the actual “normal” day, I find myself unable to motivate myself to get up to work out. I mean, I USED to have to be at work at 7:00AM (Although, I would always get there at around 6:45AM), so I had to wake up at 4:30 to work out if I wanted to take a shower afterwards and put my face on (side story: love putting on makeup and doing my hair all cute—sometimes!) and drink my coffee, eat some kind of breakfast…and have my morning devotional! That is a lot of stuff to get done in just a little over 2 hours. I swear I am not a morning person! (Sunrise chaser, yes, but morning person, no.) But now that the days are soooo looonnnngggg….I don’t feel that need to wake up so early any longer. I keep my alarm at 4:30AM…blah, who am I kidding at 4:31AM (you KNOW that one minute is means SO MUCH that early in the morning! Don’t pretend you don’t know what I mean!), so I do wake up…but that does not mean I get up.

I did have a pep talk to myself though. One thing about living by yourself is that you are you own pep talk person. No one else is there to get you up and showing up…only you. When I first started living on my own, I would get the occasional parental call or big sister call…or even the brother call to see if I am okay…but now, who cares, right? Out of sight, out of mind…but it’s my responsibility to myself to be my own motivator. So, yes, I did give myself that pep talk and told myself to SUCK IT UP BUTTERCUP! Storms don’t last forever…so get up and show up. And so now, yes, in the morning (very vague here) I get up and do some time of kickboxing and then in the evening (again, very vague time frame here) I do Insanity by Shaun T. Have you heard of it?! Oh days, look it up…it’s something else. No joke. I am currently doing the Cardio Max…and it really is no joke. You want to sweat and feel like blacking out, but feel good about a good work out…check it out. And now that the beaches are open, I try to go to the beach and swim.

That’s another thing. I wish I were a mermaid. My mom said that I could be anything that I put my mind to and if I work real hard at it…I can do it; I can be it. I want to be a mermaid. Are mermaids real, you ask? Well, the ocean is huge, and we haven’t yet explored the who thing…and even if somehow we did, there is more that is left unexplored. That is all I am saying there.  

Well, enough of me rambling about anything and everything. Enjoy your life! Aloha!

"We are all in this together" I created this while holed up in "the deadzone". A good reminder, that even though we are apart, we are still together in this mess that the world is in. Together, healing together, far apart, but together. 

Random Thoughts

Wow, so that was close! This whole week the whole of Hawai’i was living in anticipation of Hurricane Lane. Just last night it was reported that it took a hard turn left at the last possible second and is just missing us here in Oahu. Wow, prayers really do work. Not that I had any doubt that it would…but it just goes on to prove that with a lot of prayer and a lot of faith, miracles can happen. Now I am not trying to preach that everything will be solved through prayer or something…I know that there are times where you pray and pray for something to happen and then the opposite happens.

I have been reeling from that these past couple of days…more like months. This year, so far, has been an eye-opening one for me. Starting from the very beginning but more so in the month of May. It is only just now that things FEEL like they are finally settling down…but no lie, I still come home feeling exhausted from the persona I am trying to keep up. The persona that I am okay when I’m really not. Oh okay, now I am being a bit dramatic. I know that I am okay…I know that I WILL be okay…but something is missing…and I know what that is.

You know how there are moments in your life where you are just comfortable. Where you are just cruising and just staying under the radar living your life…and then something happens that shakes you. It starts out small and then it just escalates faster and faster until you feel like you are just going to burst because that cocoon that you so painstakingly built to protect your heart breaks and it’s just through shear strength and will-power that you just continue on telling yourself that you are NOT ALLOWED TO GIVE UP. Yes, that is me.

What is anchoring me right now is my job. Although several things at my job has changed (and they were not small changes either), I have confidence in my teaching abilities that it is the one thing that is constant while my personal life is in the middle of an earthquake. This was the first year that I wasn’t super nervous on the first day of school or at open house…and I think the reason why is because I have been teaching long enough to know that it’s going to be okay. My life is going topsy-turvy, but my classroom is my anchor. Not only that, but my love for teaching and the passion to reach these children coupled with the trust that the parents are giving me gives me the strength to tackle my shifting ground. I don’t know if that makes any sense right now…but all I know is that it’s my job as a teacher that is saving me right now. (Which is another reason why I will always strongly encourage you to find a job that you love and are passionate about.)

Yes, the news of this Hurricane fast approaching was scary…but the most I was worried about was the fact that I wasn’t all too scared. I was worried…because I did have my craft room outside in the open and I didn’t want all my stuff to blow away, but I was also not that worried. Did I prepare for this impending doom? Yes, I had filled all my water bottles up with filtered water and several jars of water as well sit on my counter…just in-case. I am only one person, so I knew I didn’t need that much food…and so I didn’t go all out stocking on food. But I also knew that for the most part I was going to be safe. In all that was going on in my life…it couldn’t get that much worse. I mean, this year started out with a warning that a “ballistic missile was on it’s way to Hawai’i…THIS IS NOT A DRILL”…like I said, it could be a lot worse.

I am NOT brushing the fact that hurricanes can do a lot of damage. Big Island got hit hard and so did Maui…so my thoughts and prayers go out to them. And if the hurricane did come…it would have been real bad, so I am very thankful that it just missed us. Very thankful. 

But I had a lot of time by myself, contemplating life. School was called off Thursday and Friday to prepare for the hurricane and to stay safe…in those two days I was able to 90% finish unpacking my things in my studio and get things where I wanted them to go. I was also able to catch up on some reading, letter writing, blog posting, and sleep (if only my craft room was set up and my paints where out, that was what I had wanted to do!)…but I was also doing some soul searching.

As I was thinking about life and trying to make some sense of it…I realized there was a prayer answered that I never even thougth to pray. Well, in a way I did…I always pray to stay safe…and God made me realize in one way that He was looking out. I use to live next to the beach. I mean, it was right there where I could sleep to the crashing of the waves…but things happened and I chose to move towards the mountains. If I was living where I was living when this hurricane scare happened, things would have been pandemonium. Although the place was a place that I needed when I needed it, it was not the most secure place. It was in an older house,  right next to the beach. My windows were stuck in the open position and the walls where water soaked. Mold was growing from the ceiling because of a leak in the roof and each day the walls were closing in on me. It was tiny. Earlier this year we had a pretty bad storm and my whole room got soaking wet. Since I wasn’t able to close the windows, a lot of my things from wall to wall got soaked and the wall looked like it was going to crash any minute from the water load it was accumulating...all that from just a storm...now a hurricane...hmmm. So, it was good that I moved. I do miss being able to go to the beach a walk down the driveway…but where I am now I am so much more happier. It’s secluded and secure. I feel safe here and I just feel like it’s a better fit for me overall.

So even though I know some people don’t like the phrase, “Everything happens for a reason” comes to mind at times like this. Sometimes it might not be for a good reason, sometimes we won’t see that reason until years and years down the road…and even other times where you won’t ever see the reason in your lifetime…but everything does happen for a reason.

The hurricane didn’t hit…it downgraded to a tropical storm…but I have yet to experience anything other than some “normal” showers and wind.  I do pray for those that did get hit and I do pray for Big Island, Maui and all those little island that were hit, but I also pray for me…for me to find that inner strength to carry on without having to “fake it until I make it.”

Early morning Hawaiian Sunrise PC: myself

Hurt.

These past few days have been super crazy, busy, chaotic, crazy, emotional, exhausting, crazy, confusing, hurtful, extreme sadness...oh and did I mention crazy? Oh my days, has it been crazy or what?!

I don't even know where to begin. Well, let me just start with what has been on my mind lately.

Friendship. More importantly, what does it mean to be a friend? I have come to realize that my definition of friend can vary from another's definition of what a friend is. Over these past few days I have strengthen my relationships with some friends and (unwillingly) broken others. I have made new friends and caught up with past friends. I have said goodbye to friends and have had deep conversations with other friends.

But the relationship that I have on my mind at the moment is the relationship that I have with my (soon-to-be ex) landlady. I moved into my studio a few years ago, a little over 3 years. In those three years I had gotten close with her and our relationship had blossomed into comfort with each other. I saw her as a mentor and she would advise me on thing as she would her daughter (her words). But just recently all that has change with my choice to move out. It was a real hard decision and it was one I did not take lightly. In-fact, I had just wanted to talk to her about it before confirming my decision, however the moment she realized what I wanted to do, she became petty.

At first she expressed her desire for me to stay on as her tenet, but I felt like I needed a bigger place with more storage room (this place I am renting from her is a 234 sq. feet studio with limited storage space) I also felt as if I wanted a place where it had an actual kitchen and the front door didn't open up to the bathroom. I wanted a kitchen sink. At least a second sink...washing the dishes in my bathroom sink was getting old (when I first moved in, she did mention putting in a bigger sink, but that was it, no action.) But a lot of factors were put into consideration when I decided to move.

On the top and in bold in my "Pro" list was my friendship with my landlady. But what hurts is the fact that she grew instantly cold towards me because of my decision. I have been blind-sided by her frostiness towards me and it sucks, no lie. I feel like above all that has been happening in my life, I didn't expect to have this much DRAMA with moving out. I didn't even want to move out, but I was thinking about "the long run," and my current situation.

I feel as if the older I become (what?! My birthday is coming up?! Ahhh!!!) the more picky I have become when calling someone my friend. I am a friend to all, and I try to live my life by the golden rule...but when it comes to adding a person into my circle of friendship, I am more selective. Why? Because I love and care too much. And I realize that I hurt, I hurt something real bad when things go south with a friendship. Oh okay, I know that I'm no one special...EVERYONE hurts when betrayal happens, but this is the way that I protect myself. (Shoots, I believe I'm boarder-line hermit!!)

Too much change in such a short time forces me to grasp on something stable. Something like friendship...you would HOPE that friendship is a stable thing...and when it's not, it spirals out into negativity and I want to distance myself from that. But it still hurts. So now, instead on trying to spend meaningful time with my parents before they leave for an undisclosed amount of time, I am forced to move all my stuff and (technically, but not technically) become house-less for a time being. Technically, I have the studio until July 09, but it's very uncomfortable living somewhere where you no longer feel safe and welcomed. 

All I can say is karma. Karma will come around and she will treat you the way you treat others. Karma can be can be a bitch or she can be friend, so with all this, I am still going to be me. I have a hard time being mean and petty...so I will continue to be nice and I will continue to be a friend to all. And in the days ahead, she (my soon-to-be landlady) will not be able to say anything bad about me, save the fact that I have chosen to look out for myself and move out and continue with this new transition in my life (something she is not supportive of.)

"Never wish them pain. That's not who you are. If they caused you pain, they must have pain inside. Wish them healing. That's what they need."-Najwa Zebian

10 Days.

Ohuhu Watercolor Paints & Kuretake Zig Metallic Brush Pen in Silver & Tombow Mono Drawing Pen 0.1

10 days. I can't help myself but do a mental countdown to the extreme sadness of my parents leaving. I am always so grateful when they can come and spend some times with us after being away for so long...but that's the life of a missionary. When you have this calling from God to go...you go. And that's the calling that my parents have. They are missionaries and they help so many people get to know our Creator...and I am so happy that they do. But I am so sad when it is time for me to say goodbye.

Although, they are not going straight back to the Philippines (they will be going to see other family across the water), it is a goodbye for me and my siblings because we will not see them again until they return in a few years. Now until then it will only be a few phone calls, some chance skype chatting/viewing, but other than that the reception is so bad we can only hope and pray that they are okay. I guess that is where faith and trust come in. But no lie, it is hard.

Kuretake Zig Fudebiyori Brush Pen in CBK-55-032 & Uni-Ball Signo Angelic Colour in White

They came here about a year ago, and they were suppose to return back to the Philippines in December, but they stayed on longer because my brother and his wife got pregnant! A lot happened in the year that they were here. Namely, our family grew by two adorable baby girls. And I couldn't be more happier. They are both my heart. But now it's time to say goodbye to Lola and Lolo and my heart is heavy.

I didn't get to spend as much time with them this time around. They mainly came here to help out with my sister and her new baby and then when my brother them had their baby, to help around with them. It that is good. I'm glad that they were able to spend time with their new gradbabies...and I know that its' going to be hard for them to say goodbye to them. My sister's babygirl, especially, is super close to my parents. And it really does sound like she says "lolo" and "lola" when she calls out to them. As much as I know that she is going to miss them, my parents are going to miss the little ones as well. I mean, I am so thankful that we have the internet and we have these messaging apps (Skype, Viber, etc.) that assists in keeping in touch with my parents, but it's not the same.

Kuretake Zig Fudebiyori Brush Pen in CBK-55-040 & Uni-Ball Signo Angelic Colour Gel Pen in White 

& Bianyo Micron Pen 0.6

I wish they would stay.

But I would NEVER hold anyone back from what their calling is. Never.

It's hard though...and as I write this, I am tearing up just thinking about it. I don't want to say goodbye. I don't want my parents to leave. I don't want to wonder every day if they are okay. I don't want them to go. But just the way they let us live our lives, I am going to let them live theirs and have faith that we will see each other again.

But 10 days. We have 10 more days together.

Broad Tip Crayola Marker in Orange

I am blessed.

Broad Tip Crayola Markers in Black, Blue, Pink, and Green & Uniball Signo Angelic Colour in White

These past couple of days have been a roller coaster of emotions for me. Extremely proud of our preschool graduates (some of the those graduating where some of my first students as a 2-3 year old teacher in my current school!), sad to see them go, sad to see some of my keiki go (they will be moving off island), super happy since I have some former students returning to me, super excited because my RocketGirl is walking now, super happy because my DollGirl got the Best Sportsmanship/Athletic Award in Kindergarten, that same DollGirl graduating from Kindergarten (what is she really a 1st grader now?!), My GemmaDoll is starting to smile a LOT now, my KaiBoy talks and talks and talks and talks...and I LOVE IT! Super happy and excited that my good friend is getting married this weekend! I am overwhelming sad when I think about my parents leaving in a less than two weeks. And I could go on and on and on and on. 

When I start feeling overwhelmed by emotions, I try my best to stop and think just how blessed I am. And I am blessed.

I am blessed:
My ohana. My friends. My job. My co-workers. I live in Hawai'i. I live in Lanikai. I am able to paint. Letter. Create. I get to see the beautiful sunrise every morning: beach side! I can smell the ocean breeze. Flowers. Cinnamon bread. Ripe Mango. I can walk/run the shoreline. Swim in the ocean. Blue skies. I can feel. A puppy's fur, My uke strings. My soft blankets. I have my Gummies and DollGirls. I have a TV. Netflix (Currently have a Nature Documentary playing. Chasing Monsters. Yeah, I'm a sucker for fish!) My FishBabies: Morning Star, Sir Jupiter, Rainbow Frost, Raspberry, Blueberry, Medusa, all my little fishes in TankTown.

Yes, I can go on and on; I should write a book! *laughs* But yes, on these rough days when I just can't find a reason to smile, I just think of all the reasons why I am blessed and just writing them down makes me smile. And if  I smile once today, it was a successful day.

Kuretake Zig Fudebiyori Brush Pen & Sakura's Gelly Roll Metallic Pen in XPGB-M #356

And I have to remember that whenever my life isn't going so "smooth"..."A smooth sea never made a skilled mermaid."

Kuretake Fudebiyori Brush Pen in CBK-55-025 & Uni-ball Signo Angelic Colour in White

Goodbye, Hello.

Who knew that goodbyes can be so draining. Emotionally draining. Mentally draining. Physically draining. Just draining of your soul and happiness. At least, to me, that is what it seems. The first two rounds of goodbyes in this month of goodbyes have happened, and yes, it was just as hard as I remembered and dreaded.

As a teacher, whenever the month of May rolls around, you already know that emotions will be flying here and there and everywhere. Not only is it the end of the school year, but it's also a time of "last minute things." This year the end of the year came out of nowhere. I mean, I was aware that it was coming up, and then BAM it was there!

The goodbyes started early this year. Way before the official last day of the year. In the school that I work at, we have a lot of military families...and we had a lot of families this year that were stationed at a new place before the end of the year. I will forever respect and pray for all military family...whether they are currently in the military or if they once were. As much as I dread saying goodbye to my families at the end of the year...these families have said goodbye to a life that they created in one place to move to another. That is hard...and yet, they still do it for the love of our country...and I appreciate, respect, and admire these families. (Thank you, with deep respect, thank you.)

Every year I tell myself, Charity, there is no need to cry when you say goodbye, but every year the tears flow. It's the parents that get me. At the end the school year, I have the parents coming up to me with tears in their eyes as they thank me for helping their child develop and discover new things about the earth around them. We talk story about WOW how their child has grown from the first day they walked through my door until now, not only are they taller and more mobile, but how they are more confident, more curious, and more verbal. We talk about how independent they are and how they have grown to have such wonderful, unique personalities. And being a 2-3 year old teacher, one thing that we talk about is how they are finally potty-trained and able to use their words more. They thank me for all of this, but it wasn't only me. I thank THEM for their patience with me, their trust in me, for inviting me into their families to become an "Auntie/Teacher" to their child. I am forever grateful for their trust and open arms. We did it together...with the help of each other. There is no doubt in my mind that I could have done any of that by myself.

This year (and for all the years that I have taught so far!) I had such awesome parents that liked to be involved with what we did in school. I felt like I had a wonderful relationship with "my" school ohana; we had open communication all around and although this year started with a lot of criers, it ended with tears of happiness and accomplishment. And it is because of the close relationship that I had developed with each family over the bond of love and respect for their child that made it hard to say goodbye to them at the end of the school year.

Now with the majority of my keiki gone, yet with some returning for the summer, I have a "new" class. A new class with a different dynamic of personalities and minds. Today is only the 2nd day of our summer program, but I can tell already that it's going to be full of laughs, fun, dancing, singing, exploring, and running around in the sprinklers! I usually have a smaller group for the summer, that this year it's no different. I have joined up with two other classes to make things more interesting and fun. But on our own, in my own class...we laugh, we dance, we are ohana.

My friend, MaryMary.

It was a wonderful surprise when I received a beautiful hand lettered letter from my dear friend MaryMary! Oh, how I miss her in my life! She is going to school on the mainland in Washington...and she took the time to write me! I love it!

I really want to learn how to hand letter write like this! And that is one of the thing that I want to get into this coming up year! I know that it's going to take a lot of practice, but I want to learn...because just look how beautiful it is! :) Thank you, MaryMary for this smile! I love it! :)