Night thoughts.

I can't believe that my spring break is nearing to an end. Well, technically, it's over already...we're just living through the weekend and come Monday, I go back to being a teacher again to the younger generation. I still love what I do...but I wonder about the impact I have now, since the majority of the population, it seems "can do a better job that I can, but won't" because they have other things they need to be doing. I know that it's been said before, but there is a reason why teachers are leaving the profession, and when they do, they are shamed that "we weren't cut out to be a teacher", which is far from the truth. But enough negativity right there. What a way to start a post. I didn't even mean to, just it's been on my mind a lot whether I am "cut out to still be a teacher" and that thought actually really does...break me. Spring break has been fun. I beach bummed, and just stayed home with my SassyGirl. And I did something SUPER out of my comfort zone and LOVED it so much. I am blessed to work with ladies who are also my chosen "ohana". One of us has been going boulder climbing for about a year now and she invited us to go with her on Thursday. I have to admit that I was pretty nervous, not because I didn't think I could do it, but because I am always so nervous when it comes to be around a lot of people I don’t know and the last time I was at a gym I stopped going because of the anxiety I would get whenever I would go wasn’t worth it. But I knew that I was going with friends who I felt super comfortable with and so I stepped out of my comfort zone and I couldn’t be more happier that I did because it was so much fun. It was hard, don’t get me wrong, I didn’t get to reach the top, but I sure did try and it just makes me want to go again and try again and again and see where it takes me. It also has pushed me to workout in a different way to strengthen the muscles that I realized that I didn’t really have for this hobby, but want to get! Relationships. I was talking to a friend about how much work keeping a relationship is and it’s a choice…everyday, it’s a choice. I also mentioned how, for me, it takes a real hard, toxic reason why I won’t call you a friend if I had called you friend before. And I can say that there isn’t anyone that I have come across in my life where I can say that I would never talk to again. There is one ex-bf that I would rather keep in the past, however I’m not hurt or mad at him any longer, I just wouldn’t go out of my way for him, but other than that, those I keep close and those I don’t are still and will always be a part of me. For those I am no longer close to, it isn’t because I was upset or mad at them, it is more that life happens and I’ve come to the understanding that we can move on with no hard feelings and no negative emotions. And if by chance our paths cross again, I wouldn’t hesitate to catch up and reminisce the memories we shared. I am a very sentimental person. And I have learned that I can’t keep everything…but I can keep pictures and memories and so I do have my home scattered with memories of special people in my life, and even though they aren’t currently with me, I still have them. If that makes any sense. I had plans of cleaning up and tiding my lanai and garden box, but I never got to it. The day that I put aside to do all that, it rained real hard! And I was just going to repot a few of my plants and even that was so hard since the wind was so crazy that it was just blowing all the soil back into my face, so I said nope, not today! The day after I went to the beach and even though it was a beautiful day, randomly the wind would pick up and pellet sand on me and my friend! But I love that we could beach hop between errands that we had to run. I was joking with my friend that sand and ocean wet hair was just part of our outfits for the day. And I loved it. I miss my family. These past couple of months have been hard knowing that they are far away from me, and it’s not so easy to go see them any longer. I never though that this is where we would be. All apart. We are all so close, but it goes to show that even though we are blood close, are life paths are all different. People and circumstances come into our lives that makes our life path ever changing and even though there is that wish that we could all stay close, life happens. And we are an ocean away, living on the other side of the country….living in different continents. And it’s hard, it’s lonely, and it sucks. So much. But it helps to know that I’m not the only who has to live like that, and I’m so I’m not alone in this feeling. I think the hardest part of it all is knowing that the choices you make makes your life. I’m choosing to be happy and okay with my lot, but loneliness is a real thing and even though I do choose to be happy and okay with life, sometimes I wonder, what will happen I don’t get home, of if I fall, or if I just can’t. One of the things that I had to get used to was even though I don’t like checking in with anyone, when you realize you don’t have anyone to check into with, it’s an empty feeling. The time came where my parents stopped asking where I was going, but they would randomly call to make sure that I was okay. Now, I would be lucky if I hear from them. Whenever I left my sister’s place she would say, “call me when you get home so I know that you’re okay”…but now…I don’t have that. It’s the small things, really, that make you feel like you belong. Being independent is an amazing thing. You get to do whatever you what, whenever you want…and you only have to worry about yourself. You don’t have to check in with anyone, you don’t have to make excuses when you want alone time, you don’t have to worry what’s for dinner…or that you even came home. Being independents is an amazing thing. But it is also lonely. I don’t think people understand how much it does hurt when they say things like “at least you don’t have to worry about family gatherings, or having to take care of anyone.” “At least you can have your alone time whenever you want.” “At least you come home to quiet and you don’t have to clean up after anyone.” During the lockdown, I had people telling me that I was lucky that I wasn’t “locked up with someone or with a family.” Wow, I wish they would think about the words that they say…you do know that they keep people in solitary confinement as a form of torture or punishment. I know that that is an extreme thing to say…but your mind plays tricks on you when you are alone. And I can say for certain that my mind did play tricks on me and it sucked. I wasn’t “lucky”…I was lonely. But like I mentioned earlier, going through it alone I know that I wasn’t the only one feeling that way…and in that way, “we are in this together.” So in different ways, we were “together”. Well, I know that I just did my nails for St. Patrick’s day, but I want to do them again, so I think that’s what I am going to do. I don’t know what I want to do, but I know that when I remove them, I will think of what I will do…maybe something pink.

Late Night Rambles

 I laid down a few hours ago to go to sleep. But I couldn't sleep so I decided to get up and just put in a workout to see if that would make me sleepy. Did it work? Nope. But as I was working out I remembered my blog. This. I remember that I used to blog and I wonder what became of it. I know that it's just a place where I wrote my thoughts and so I logged in and as I was reading through the things that I would write, I remembered why I started a blog and decided why not start up again. 

It was crazy to read that the last time I posted a blog, it was a few weeks into pandemic and now fast forward a few years and we are now, hopefully, over that. I know that it's going to take time to get back to "normal" but things change you and I know that in the past 3 years since I last wrote, I've changed. Things and situations changed. I remember thinking that I wanted to keep up with this blogging throughout the shut-down that happened, but unfortunately where I lived, it was basically off the grid and I wasn't able to connected with the internet. That was hard. I ended up moving to a much better place and by then I actually forgot about this blog. Whoops. Well, it was always at the back of my mind...but now, I want to start up...at least my random rambles. It's fun to look back on. I was reading some posts about my DollGirl...still obsessed with that darling, but she has since added some siblings and a cousin that I am equally obsessed with. 

I think the biggest change is the fact that I'm now alone. My family has now moved on to different places in the world and I stayed here in Hawai'i, crazy considering the fact that I was the last one who even wanted to move here in the first place! Now, it's home and just thinking about leaving breaks my heart. I have a good homebase here and I have my chosen family and it's just home. Finally home. 

Oh, but don't get me wrong, I still super close with my brother and sister and my parents. And no matter how many people complain about technology, I will defend it because it keeps me in contact with my family when I can't be with them physically. Is it hard? Yes. Do I get lonely? All the time. But do I choose my reaction to things around me and what is happening to me? Yes. 

I know that there are days where the loneliness is overwhelming...but I just tell myself that I may be alone, but I am not alone. If that makes sense to you, then you've reached the point where you understand that the world does not revolve around you and that you make life what it is. And yes, it is hard saying that because if I think too deeply about it, it hurts. And it's so easy to think that everyone left me...but in reality, my life path is not their life path and even though I wish everything in me that it were different, it's not. 

I never thought I would feel at home anywhere. I was always moving and never really put down hard roots...but since moving here almost 13 years ago, I feel like this is the place. California will ALWAYS be my childhood home and it will always call it home, because it is. But Hawai'i is my home now, too. I am still a teacher and so it is harder to travel as much as I used to...junk pay and cost of living high, but it's not impossible. My dream job would still allow me to travel everywhere...but I do know that I want Hawai'i to be my homebase. 

Sometime, well, a lot of times, I wonder if I'm still cut out to be a teacher. A preschool teacher. Living here, I don't think the pay makes it worth it, but my heart is in it. But no joke, since we opened up after the shutdown of the century, it's been difficult. Being with the keiki is still so much fun and I love it, but having to deal with what the little ones come with is hard. The fear and expectations of the parents of ALL the little ones AT THE SAME TIME is so hard. And whenever anyone comes at me and says maybe I'm NOT cut out anymore for this job makes me so mad because YOU try living constantly being micromanaged and underappreciated when all you are trying to do is a community service to the public and help be there for the early childhood generation. But apparently we are doing it all wrong and they can do a better job that I can. And I am never going to deny that...you are the parent. YOU are the parent and are your children's first mentor and teacher. But you came to me for help...let me do my job. And that is all I am going to say about that because I know that I can go on and on about this...and I am trying to choose positive vibes here. I just hope and pray that people choose kindness and understanding.

One of the biggest highlight that has happened to me in the midst of hardships is I adopted a fur-baby! My Sassafras...my SassyGirl. She is my 8 1/2 year old tortie cat. She came to me not so human friendly, and she still is pretty aloof, but I would say that she is starting to open up. I have had her in my life since May 2022 and I love her so much! Definitely patience and a lot of....patience to get her to start being okay with being with me. She never really was mean, just super skiddish. Even know when people come over they joke that I just like having cat things laying around...because they never see her. She is laying right next to me on my computer desk as we talk. She is my little shadow and I love her. She is the first cat that I've had that is NOT a cuddle bug, but I feel like that is something that you condition to be when they are kittens, but I got her as an 8 year old cat...and so I'm okay with that. She is a lot better than she was when I first got her, that's for sure! I just pray she knows that she is loved and that she safe. Which I know her former human loved her, but she was more of an outdoor cat with not that much human contact. I love her. 

Well, I am going to try to go back to sleep now!