Hurt.

These past few days have been super crazy, busy, chaotic, crazy, emotional, exhausting, crazy, confusing, hurtful, extreme sadness...oh and did I mention crazy? Oh my days, has it been crazy or what?!

I don't even know where to begin. Well, let me just start with what has been on my mind lately.

Friendship. More importantly, what does it mean to be a friend? I have come to realize that my definition of friend can vary from another's definition of what a friend is. Over these past few days I have strengthen my relationships with some friends and (unwillingly) broken others. I have made new friends and caught up with past friends. I have said goodbye to friends and have had deep conversations with other friends.

But the relationship that I have on my mind at the moment is the relationship that I have with my (soon-to-be ex) landlady. I moved into my studio a few years ago, a little over 3 years. In those three years I had gotten close with her and our relationship had blossomed into comfort with each other. I saw her as a mentor and she would advise me on thing as she would her daughter (her words). But just recently all that has change with my choice to move out. It was a real hard decision and it was one I did not take lightly. In-fact, I had just wanted to talk to her about it before confirming my decision, however the moment she realized what I wanted to do, she became petty.

At first she expressed her desire for me to stay on as her tenet, but I felt like I needed a bigger place with more storage room (this place I am renting from her is a 234 sq. feet studio with limited storage space) I also felt as if I wanted a place where it had an actual kitchen and the front door didn't open up to the bathroom. I wanted a kitchen sink. At least a second sink...washing the dishes in my bathroom sink was getting old (when I first moved in, she did mention putting in a bigger sink, but that was it, no action.) But a lot of factors were put into consideration when I decided to move.

On the top and in bold in my "Pro" list was my friendship with my landlady. But what hurts is the fact that she grew instantly cold towards me because of my decision. I have been blind-sided by her frostiness towards me and it sucks, no lie. I feel like above all that has been happening in my life, I didn't expect to have this much DRAMA with moving out. I didn't even want to move out, but I was thinking about "the long run," and my current situation.

I feel as if the older I become (what?! My birthday is coming up?! Ahhh!!!) the more picky I have become when calling someone my friend. I am a friend to all, and I try to live my life by the golden rule...but when it comes to adding a person into my circle of friendship, I am more selective. Why? Because I love and care too much. And I realize that I hurt, I hurt something real bad when things go south with a friendship. Oh okay, I know that I'm no one special...EVERYONE hurts when betrayal happens, but this is the way that I protect myself. (Shoots, I believe I'm boarder-line hermit!!)

Too much change in such a short time forces me to grasp on something stable. Something like friendship...you would HOPE that friendship is a stable thing...and when it's not, it spirals out into negativity and I want to distance myself from that. But it still hurts. So now, instead on trying to spend meaningful time with my parents before they leave for an undisclosed amount of time, I am forced to move all my stuff and (technically, but not technically) become house-less for a time being. Technically, I have the studio until July 09, but it's very uncomfortable living somewhere where you no longer feel safe and welcomed. 

All I can say is karma. Karma will come around and she will treat you the way you treat others. Karma can be can be a bitch or she can be friend, so with all this, I am still going to be me. I have a hard time being mean and petty...so I will continue to be nice and I will continue to be a friend to all. And in the days ahead, she (my soon-to-be landlady) will not be able to say anything bad about me, save the fact that I have chosen to look out for myself and move out and continue with this new transition in my life (something she is not supportive of.)

"Never wish them pain. That's not who you are. If they caused you pain, they must have pain inside. Wish them healing. That's what they need."-Najwa Zebian

10 Days.

Ohuhu Watercolor Paints & Kuretake Zig Metallic Brush Pen in Silver & Tombow Mono Drawing Pen 0.1

10 days. I can't help myself but do a mental countdown to the extreme sadness of my parents leaving. I am always so grateful when they can come and spend some times with us after being away for so long...but that's the life of a missionary. When you have this calling from God to go...you go. And that's the calling that my parents have. They are missionaries and they help so many people get to know our Creator...and I am so happy that they do. But I am so sad when it is time for me to say goodbye.

Although, they are not going straight back to the Philippines (they will be going to see other family across the water), it is a goodbye for me and my siblings because we will not see them again until they return in a few years. Now until then it will only be a few phone calls, some chance skype chatting/viewing, but other than that the reception is so bad we can only hope and pray that they are okay. I guess that is where faith and trust come in. But no lie, it is hard.

Kuretake Zig Fudebiyori Brush Pen in CBK-55-032 & Uni-Ball Signo Angelic Colour in White

They came here about a year ago, and they were suppose to return back to the Philippines in December, but they stayed on longer because my brother and his wife got pregnant! A lot happened in the year that they were here. Namely, our family grew by two adorable baby girls. And I couldn't be more happier. They are both my heart. But now it's time to say goodbye to Lola and Lolo and my heart is heavy.

I didn't get to spend as much time with them this time around. They mainly came here to help out with my sister and her new baby and then when my brother them had their baby, to help around with them. It that is good. I'm glad that they were able to spend time with their new gradbabies...and I know that its' going to be hard for them to say goodbye to them. My sister's babygirl, especially, is super close to my parents. And it really does sound like she says "lolo" and "lola" when she calls out to them. As much as I know that she is going to miss them, my parents are going to miss the little ones as well. I mean, I am so thankful that we have the internet and we have these messaging apps (Skype, Viber, etc.) that assists in keeping in touch with my parents, but it's not the same.

Kuretake Zig Fudebiyori Brush Pen in CBK-55-040 & Uni-Ball Signo Angelic Colour Gel Pen in White 

& Bianyo Micron Pen 0.6

I wish they would stay.

But I would NEVER hold anyone back from what their calling is. Never.

It's hard though...and as I write this, I am tearing up just thinking about it. I don't want to say goodbye. I don't want my parents to leave. I don't want to wonder every day if they are okay. I don't want them to go. But just the way they let us live our lives, I am going to let them live theirs and have faith that we will see each other again.

But 10 days. We have 10 more days together.

Broad Tip Crayola Marker in Orange

I am blessed.

Broad Tip Crayola Markers in Black, Blue, Pink, and Green & Uniball Signo Angelic Colour in White

These past couple of days have been a roller coaster of emotions for me. Extremely proud of our preschool graduates (some of the those graduating where some of my first students as a 2-3 year old teacher in my current school!), sad to see them go, sad to see some of my keiki go (they will be moving off island), super happy since I have some former students returning to me, super excited because my RocketGirl is walking now, super happy because my DollGirl got the Best Sportsmanship/Athletic Award in Kindergarten, that same DollGirl graduating from Kindergarten (what is she really a 1st grader now?!), My GemmaDoll is starting to smile a LOT now, my KaiBoy talks and talks and talks and talks...and I LOVE IT! Super happy and excited that my good friend is getting married this weekend! I am overwhelming sad when I think about my parents leaving in a less than two weeks. And I could go on and on and on and on. 

When I start feeling overwhelmed by emotions, I try my best to stop and think just how blessed I am. And I am blessed.

I am blessed:
My ohana. My friends. My job. My co-workers. I live in Hawai'i. I live in Lanikai. I am able to paint. Letter. Create. I get to see the beautiful sunrise every morning: beach side! I can smell the ocean breeze. Flowers. Cinnamon bread. Ripe Mango. I can walk/run the shoreline. Swim in the ocean. Blue skies. I can feel. A puppy's fur, My uke strings. My soft blankets. I have my Gummies and DollGirls. I have a TV. Netflix (Currently have a Nature Documentary playing. Chasing Monsters. Yeah, I'm a sucker for fish!) My FishBabies: Morning Star, Sir Jupiter, Rainbow Frost, Raspberry, Blueberry, Medusa, all my little fishes in TankTown.

Yes, I can go on and on; I should write a book! *laughs* But yes, on these rough days when I just can't find a reason to smile, I just think of all the reasons why I am blessed and just writing them down makes me smile. And if  I smile once today, it was a successful day.

Kuretake Zig Fudebiyori Brush Pen & Sakura's Gelly Roll Metallic Pen in XPGB-M #356

And I have to remember that whenever my life isn't going so "smooth"..."A smooth sea never made a skilled mermaid."

Kuretake Fudebiyori Brush Pen in CBK-55-025 & Uni-ball Signo Angelic Colour in White

Goodbye, Hello.

Who knew that goodbyes can be so draining. Emotionally draining. Mentally draining. Physically draining. Just draining of your soul and happiness. At least, to me, that is what it seems. The first two rounds of goodbyes in this month of goodbyes have happened, and yes, it was just as hard as I remembered and dreaded.

As a teacher, whenever the month of May rolls around, you already know that emotions will be flying here and there and everywhere. Not only is it the end of the school year, but it's also a time of "last minute things." This year the end of the year came out of nowhere. I mean, I was aware that it was coming up, and then BAM it was there!

The goodbyes started early this year. Way before the official last day of the year. In the school that I work at, we have a lot of military families...and we had a lot of families this year that were stationed at a new place before the end of the year. I will forever respect and pray for all military family...whether they are currently in the military or if they once were. As much as I dread saying goodbye to my families at the end of the year...these families have said goodbye to a life that they created in one place to move to another. That is hard...and yet, they still do it for the love of our country...and I appreciate, respect, and admire these families. (Thank you, with deep respect, thank you.)

Every year I tell myself, Charity, there is no need to cry when you say goodbye, but every year the tears flow. It's the parents that get me. At the end the school year, I have the parents coming up to me with tears in their eyes as they thank me for helping their child develop and discover new things about the earth around them. We talk story about WOW how their child has grown from the first day they walked through my door until now, not only are they taller and more mobile, but how they are more confident, more curious, and more verbal. We talk about how independent they are and how they have grown to have such wonderful, unique personalities. And being a 2-3 year old teacher, one thing that we talk about is how they are finally potty-trained and able to use their words more. They thank me for all of this, but it wasn't only me. I thank THEM for their patience with me, their trust in me, for inviting me into their families to become an "Auntie/Teacher" to their child. I am forever grateful for their trust and open arms. We did it together...with the help of each other. There is no doubt in my mind that I could have done any of that by myself.

This year (and for all the years that I have taught so far!) I had such awesome parents that liked to be involved with what we did in school. I felt like I had a wonderful relationship with "my" school ohana; we had open communication all around and although this year started with a lot of criers, it ended with tears of happiness and accomplishment. And it is because of the close relationship that I had developed with each family over the bond of love and respect for their child that made it hard to say goodbye to them at the end of the school year.

Now with the majority of my keiki gone, yet with some returning for the summer, I have a "new" class. A new class with a different dynamic of personalities and minds. Today is only the 2nd day of our summer program, but I can tell already that it's going to be full of laughs, fun, dancing, singing, exploring, and running around in the sprinklers! I usually have a smaller group for the summer, that this year it's no different. I have joined up with two other classes to make things more interesting and fun. But on our own, in my own class...we laugh, we dance, we are ohana.