I don't even know where to begin. Well, let me just start with what has been on my mind lately.
Friendship. More importantly, what does it mean to be a friend? I have come to realize that my definition of friend can vary from another's definition of what a friend is. Over these past few days I have strengthen my relationships with some friends and (unwillingly) broken others. I have made new friends and caught up with past friends. I have said goodbye to friends and have had deep conversations with other friends.
But the relationship that I have on my mind at the moment is the relationship that I have with my (soon-to-be ex) landlady. I moved into my studio a few years ago, a little over 3 years. In those three years I had gotten close with her and our relationship had blossomed into comfort with each other. I saw her as a mentor and she would advise me on thing as she would her daughter (her words). But just recently all that has change with my choice to move out. It was a real hard decision and it was one I did not take lightly. In-fact, I had just wanted to talk to her about it before confirming my decision, however the moment she realized what I wanted to do, she became petty.
At first she expressed her desire for me to stay on as her tenet, but I felt like I needed a bigger place with more storage room (this place I am renting from her is a 234 sq. feet studio with limited storage space) I also felt as if I wanted a place where it had an actual kitchen and the front door didn't open up to the bathroom. I wanted a kitchen sink. At least a second sink...washing the dishes in my bathroom sink was getting old (when I first moved in, she did mention putting in a bigger sink, but that was it, no action.) But a lot of factors were put into consideration when I decided to move.
On the top and in bold in my "Pro" list was my friendship with my landlady. But what hurts is the fact that she grew instantly cold towards me because of my decision. I have been blind-sided by her frostiness towards me and it sucks, no lie. I feel like above all that has been happening in my life, I didn't expect to have this much DRAMA with moving out. I didn't even want to move out, but I was thinking about "the long run," and my current situation.
I feel as if the older I become (what?! My birthday is coming up?! Ahhh!!!) the more picky I have become when calling someone my friend. I am a friend to all, and I try to live my life by the golden rule...but when it comes to adding a person into my circle of friendship, I am more selective. Why? Because I love and care too much. And I realize that I hurt, I hurt something real bad when things go south with a friendship. Oh okay, I know that I'm no one special...EVERYONE hurts when betrayal happens, but this is the way that I protect myself. (Shoots, I believe I'm boarder-line hermit!!)
Too much change in such a short time forces me to grasp on something stable. Something like friendship...you would HOPE that friendship is a stable thing...and when it's not, it spirals out into negativity and I want to distance myself from that. But it still hurts. So now, instead on trying to spend meaningful time with my parents before they leave for an undisclosed amount of time, I am forced to move all my stuff and (technically, but not technically) become house-less for a time being. Technically, I have the studio until July 09, but it's very uncomfortable living somewhere where you no longer feel safe and welcomed.
All I can say is karma. Karma will come around and she will treat you the way you treat others. Karma can be can be a bitch or she can be friend, so with all this, I am still going to be me. I have a hard time being mean and petty...so I will continue to be nice and I will continue to be a friend to all. And in the days ahead, she (my soon-to-be landlady) will not be able to say anything bad about me, save the fact that I have chosen to look out for myself and move out and continue with this new transition in my life (something she is not supportive of.)
"Never wish them pain. That's not who you are. If they caused you pain, they must have pain inside. Wish them healing. That's what they need."-Najwa Zebian
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