May the "Fourth" be with you.

May the “fourth” be with you. Haha! I had to say it! I mean, it is the day, right?! I’m not even a fan of Star Wars…but I know it…so that is there for all my Star War fans out there. Not that I’m saying that I even have any fans. *laughs*

Well, we have opened up the preschool again for essential worker’s children. But so few are coming in that we have scheduled times to come into school to watch the two children who come in. Today is not my day, but I am here at the school right now, sitting in my classroom, because there is internet here…and I need the internet. Plus, we have decided that in two weeks, since we are closed for the rest of the school year to our school ohana (basically those who are not essential worker’s children), we will do a drive by goodbye. Where our school ohana will drive by in the parking lot, and we will give them their belongings that they have left in the classroom and end of the year gifts and what not and say goodbye.

It makes my heart hurt. And I am not even lying about it…it really does. I miss “my” preschool keiki. I miss them so much. They have been the constant in my life for the last 9 years and this is the longest that I have gone without them. Yeah, I have taken vacation time - 3 weeks at the most when I went to the Philippines for Christmas/New Years a few years back, but this is going on longer than three weeks now.

I will be the first to admit, I do not know what it is like to be a parent. I only know what it’s like to be a teacher and an auntie (a kicka$$ auntie, if I do say so myself!) And as a teacher and an auntie, I miss my littles so much. Like, I mentioned, they have been a constant in my life and I worry and think and love and everything them. They are not mine…but they are “mine.” One thing that I like about living and teaching here in Hawai’i, is that you are “auntie” to everyone younger than you. My keiki have the chose to call me Ms. Charity or Auntie Charity…and no one bats an eye at it. And for the most part my preschool family treat ME like family…hence the term “school ohana”. Not only that, but my co-workers…yeah, I work at one of the best schools ever (am I biased, not really…maybe a little), but I am not joking…we are all like family here. We watch out for each other and have each other’s back. We have this thing that we are always saying, “Family first”….and we live by it. And we are all family. We are all ohana. And I miss them all.

I had…no I HAVE a real awesome group of kids this year. Well, every year I do…and every year I feel like I can’t love any group of kids that I love “this” group of kids…and every year I am wrong. Happily wrong. I love every child that walks through my door. That walks through the gates of my school. Who am I kidding…I have a soft spot with it comes to the early childhood years. I adore the 2 year-olds. One of my pet peeves is when I hear the term “terrible twos”; I hate that term…I lovingly say “terrific twos.” Again, I am saying this with a teacher/auntie point of view. As a parents, I might see things a little bit more different. But for now that that is how I see it.

I personally think it’s because I CHOOSE to be with that age. If I HAD to choose an age group to work with it would be the older 3-younger 4’s…but I do have love the 2 year-old age. Don’t get me wrong…they are at that “I want my independence!” stage and they will test your every boundary and push your every button you have and/or didn’t realize you had. They will cry for no apparent reason and they will stubbornly tune you out…ever heard of selective hearing?! Yes, try saying, “do you want candy” to a child who chooses to “hear” you and watch how fast they come running. You can accurately compare their attention span to that of a goldfish and get ready for one volume and one volume only. All day long. All 14 little ones. And in that one volume…oh, did I mention that volume is loud. Just loud…not soft loud, not medium loud, not extremely loud….just loud. But yes, in that loud volume of voice they will ALL talk to you at the same time. And they act as if they can’t hear each other talking…they just talk and except you to hear them. All. At. The. Same. Time. And you know what? You learn how to do that. You learn how to make each child feel like they are listened to and you slowly teach them to stop and listen to each other by echoing what each child says and asking that child what they thought of that. And you slowly realize that in the middle of all the noise, the mess, the constant stories, the cries…and the potty training…you love what you do.

I mean, at least I did. I do. I miss it. It’s been so long since I was in the middle of that “glorious” chaos. Did I think that it was “glorious” at that time, no. Do I miss the random cries, the sudden tantrums, the constant sound of loud, no…and yet, yes. What I miss the most is the hugs, and yes, the stories. I miss the cuddles and the random checking in from my littles. I miss the little hand that grabs onto mine and the arms that encircle my leg. I miss the rarity of an empty lap and the random “bop” on the nose. I miss the yells of excitement when a child’s favorite song comes up on the playlist (yes, I have music CONSTATNLY playing in my classroom), the random “epic dance parties” we would have, and how when they heard a specific song they knew to lay down and have a quiet moment. I miss doing my laundry and finding a random rock, dried flower, browning leaf or some trinket in my pocket, gift by a little one. I miss all the flowers the children would pick (we are blessed to have our preschool located where there are several plumeria trees and flowers everywhere!) and I miss the feel of a child pulling my hand to an open area of the playground so we can dance to whatever song that is playing. I miss hearing the children’s voices as they sing “Into the Unknoooooown! Into the unknooooooown!” for the millionth time. I miss having the children run up to me and spin in circles to show of their beautiful outfits and them yelling out, “watch this! Watch how fast I can run! Watch this!” I miss it all.

I miss when my littles would excitedly wait their turn to call out an animal for me to sing about so they can dance. I miss the little voice that says, “lavish me, aunty” (what they say when they want a cuddle). I miss looking over to the multiple fishtanks I have in my classroom to see the children talking to the fish and telling them stories. I miss how they have their own table to eat lunch at, but they still want to eat at the “big table” where their feet can’t even touch the ground, just so they can have lunch next to me. I miss the “torpedo” hugs…(you know that hug, that hug where the child locks in on you from across the way and nothing can get in his/her way as they barrel past everything and everyone just to explode into you for that hug that just so wanted at that very specific time.), and shockingly enough, I miss the fact that whenever I had to go to the bathroom I had an entourage that I would MAKE stay at the door and I had to talk to them and sing to them the whole time least they check under the stall to make sure I was still there.

I miss them. I miss my littles. I miss my keiki.

And I hope and pray that they are okay. I hope and pray that they know that I miss them. I hope and pray that they know that I love them.

Aloha!

A piece I created to remind myself that "Good things will happen, love is real, and WE WILL BE OKAY."

Hurt.

These past few days have been super crazy, busy, chaotic, crazy, emotional, exhausting, crazy, confusing, hurtful, extreme sadness...oh and did I mention crazy? Oh my days, has it been crazy or what?!

I don't even know where to begin. Well, let me just start with what has been on my mind lately.

Friendship. More importantly, what does it mean to be a friend? I have come to realize that my definition of friend can vary from another's definition of what a friend is. Over these past few days I have strengthen my relationships with some friends and (unwillingly) broken others. I have made new friends and caught up with past friends. I have said goodbye to friends and have had deep conversations with other friends.

But the relationship that I have on my mind at the moment is the relationship that I have with my (soon-to-be ex) landlady. I moved into my studio a few years ago, a little over 3 years. In those three years I had gotten close with her and our relationship had blossomed into comfort with each other. I saw her as a mentor and she would advise me on thing as she would her daughter (her words). But just recently all that has change with my choice to move out. It was a real hard decision and it was one I did not take lightly. In-fact, I had just wanted to talk to her about it before confirming my decision, however the moment she realized what I wanted to do, she became petty.

At first she expressed her desire for me to stay on as her tenet, but I felt like I needed a bigger place with more storage room (this place I am renting from her is a 234 sq. feet studio with limited storage space) I also felt as if I wanted a place where it had an actual kitchen and the front door didn't open up to the bathroom. I wanted a kitchen sink. At least a second sink...washing the dishes in my bathroom sink was getting old (when I first moved in, she did mention putting in a bigger sink, but that was it, no action.) But a lot of factors were put into consideration when I decided to move.

On the top and in bold in my "Pro" list was my friendship with my landlady. But what hurts is the fact that she grew instantly cold towards me because of my decision. I have been blind-sided by her frostiness towards me and it sucks, no lie. I feel like above all that has been happening in my life, I didn't expect to have this much DRAMA with moving out. I didn't even want to move out, but I was thinking about "the long run," and my current situation.

I feel as if the older I become (what?! My birthday is coming up?! Ahhh!!!) the more picky I have become when calling someone my friend. I am a friend to all, and I try to live my life by the golden rule...but when it comes to adding a person into my circle of friendship, I am more selective. Why? Because I love and care too much. And I realize that I hurt, I hurt something real bad when things go south with a friendship. Oh okay, I know that I'm no one special...EVERYONE hurts when betrayal happens, but this is the way that I protect myself. (Shoots, I believe I'm boarder-line hermit!!)

Too much change in such a short time forces me to grasp on something stable. Something like friendship...you would HOPE that friendship is a stable thing...and when it's not, it spirals out into negativity and I want to distance myself from that. But it still hurts. So now, instead on trying to spend meaningful time with my parents before they leave for an undisclosed amount of time, I am forced to move all my stuff and (technically, but not technically) become house-less for a time being. Technically, I have the studio until July 09, but it's very uncomfortable living somewhere where you no longer feel safe and welcomed. 

All I can say is karma. Karma will come around and she will treat you the way you treat others. Karma can be can be a bitch or she can be friend, so with all this, I am still going to be me. I have a hard time being mean and petty...so I will continue to be nice and I will continue to be a friend to all. And in the days ahead, she (my soon-to-be landlady) will not be able to say anything bad about me, save the fact that I have chosen to look out for myself and move out and continue with this new transition in my life (something she is not supportive of.)

"Never wish them pain. That's not who you are. If they caused you pain, they must have pain inside. Wish them healing. That's what they need."-Najwa Zebian