You were to live.

Just the other day I was talking to my friend and we were conversing how the times have changed so fast, so drastically...and we kept on using the term "new-normal." I wonder how long we will be using that term "new-normal." It's so hard to believe that just a few months ago...not even two months ago everything was "normal" how we knew it. It was business as usual and there was only small kine talk about what this "coronavirus" was. I mean, I understand that I live out on a rock in the middle of nowhere...and my main source of "news" is Facebook or some other kind of social media. I would hear from time to time from family and friends on the "mainland" what was going on. I would also hear from my friends and family abroad...but never in my wildest dreams did I think that something like "this" would happened. 

Schools closed and grocery stores limit people who can go in. Essential workers were the only ones who could go out...and if you were deemed "non-essential" you were encouraged to  stay home. For a hot second we even have a curfew (Easter weekend), and even if there wasn't a curfew, there was nothing else to do, but to be at home. The beaches closed; the trails closed; you couldn't be in groups more than 10. But for me the fear of contracting the dreaded Covid-19 and/or being a carrier prevented me from any social activities at all. I live by myself and I am all alone. I refer to my place as the "deadzone" because there is no connection. No internet, no cell phone...no connection. No Netflix, no streaming of music, no video calls, no calls, no nothing. It has been very lonely. And yes, even though I am an introvert, I do crave some kind of human interaction. 

This living in fear is getting so tiresome and I wish for it to be over; however I don't want to rush it. There are already talk that there will be a second wave of this Covid-19 and I don't know how I feel about that. I also am aware that this virus can mutate and who knows what it will mutate too! I already know that during the winter season the flu is something to be aware of, and now we have to be aware of this new virus that has taking the world over...and brought us cowering behind closed doors away from....everything. 

Just when I needed it, I saw this quote. Here I am, living in fear for my life...but what kind of life is it when all you do is live in fear. I want to LIVE my life. I want a life where I am IN-LOVE with what I am doing with life...none of this fear. There is common sense that you have to live with and I hope that people will exercise it. The sad part is that I am also aware that not everyone has common sense or that it differs from person to person...but if we all just respect everyone and where everyone is in their comfort level to go out again after this pandemic, but I think...hope...that we al make it out.

After all...."we were born to live, my dear, not to merely exist."

Full Moon Ramblings

Last night was a full moon. In fact it was a SUPER full moon and when I looked online to make sure that it really was going to be a full moon last night I found out that it was also called the Full Corn Planting Moon and/or the Full Milk Moon. Why? I don't know, I didn't feel like doing a full on research on why, but it was nice to know that the beautiful moon that I saw last night had some pretty cool names...coz my days, it was a beautiful moon.

A picture I took last night enjoying the full moon.

When I was a little girl, I used to open up my window and it had a perfect view of the moon, at whatever phase it was at...and I would "talk to the moon" because I was taught that you had to "talk to God"...but I didn't really know how. All I know was that God was "up there" and at night whenever I looked "up there" I saw the moon. So at an early age, it was always me talking to moon hoping that somehow my words were also traveling "up there" to God. Also, it was a good visual for me...I wasn't just talking into space or something...I was talking to the moon and praying that it was somehow reaching God's ears. I know now that it was and has and will always be. But the moon holds a lot of sentiment to me.

The past few weeks have been tough, no doubt for everyone, but my feelings are valid, too. Sometimes it's easier for me to be strong for those who need me to be strong for them when they can't be strong themselves...but for some reason, for as long as I can remember, it has hard for me to allow someone to be strong for me. I somehow feel like I don't deserve it or something...but you know what, I'm slowly getting there. Trusting people more. But last night, as I was sat waiting for the moon to pop up out from all the clouds, I was zooming down memory lane and remembering all the secrets I would "tell" the moon...and I miss doing that.

I journal. I blog. I do have my friends that I talk to, however those nightly moments when I use to voice my thoughts to the moon, was so pure and so heartfelt. And that's what I did last night. I talk and talk and talked and realized that wow, that was something I really needed. I makes me smile to know that that same moon that I saw last night is the same moon that was there for me when I needed to talk all those years ago. I don't even know why I stopped. 

I love the ocean. I love the mysteries that it holds and I can watch documentaries of the wonders of the ocean for hours and hours and (if only I still had internet connection!) I could even let it play for a long time in the background of my daily life whenever I was home. But what also fascinates me is the cosmos. The heavens. The sky. I am a self-claimed sunrise chaser. (Mind you, I am by far a morning person...there IS a difference!) I can cloud watch, star gaze and meteor showers amaze me. I look for those wishing stars and I smile when I can recognize certain constellations. Whenever I can see a planet my heart beats a bit faster and when I spot a satellite passing overhead, it makes me smile. 

Nature is my inspiration. Yes, I hear that all the time. What inspires you? Nature. But it is so true. I can not even imagine life with out nature. And my heart fills up with so much happiness when I realize that there is a creator (God) that made all that...FOR ME. For everyone, yes...but I like to think that He took His time with certain things...a lot of things, really...because He know that it would make one of His children smile...me. At least that is MY belief. 

Yes, the times right now are uncertain. Yes, the times right now are tough, and sometimes...well, a lot of times, I just feel why?! What's the point? But I know, I know that there is an end. And no matter how lonely I feel, no matter how I feel like I'm alone in my struggles, no matter how tough it all is...the moon and the sun will always rise and fall, no matter who is watching it...it just does. And the God who created them loved me enough to know...that in my darkness, I would need light. And my heart is filled one more time.

The full moon over the Olomanas.

May the "Fourth" be with you.

May the “fourth” be with you. Haha! I had to say it! I mean, it is the day, right?! I’m not even a fan of Star Wars…but I know it…so that is there for all my Star War fans out there. Not that I’m saying that I even have any fans. *laughs*

Well, we have opened up the preschool again for essential worker’s children. But so few are coming in that we have scheduled times to come into school to watch the two children who come in. Today is not my day, but I am here at the school right now, sitting in my classroom, because there is internet here…and I need the internet. Plus, we have decided that in two weeks, since we are closed for the rest of the school year to our school ohana (basically those who are not essential worker’s children), we will do a drive by goodbye. Where our school ohana will drive by in the parking lot, and we will give them their belongings that they have left in the classroom and end of the year gifts and what not and say goodbye.

It makes my heart hurt. And I am not even lying about it…it really does. I miss “my” preschool keiki. I miss them so much. They have been the constant in my life for the last 9 years and this is the longest that I have gone without them. Yeah, I have taken vacation time - 3 weeks at the most when I went to the Philippines for Christmas/New Years a few years back, but this is going on longer than three weeks now.

I will be the first to admit, I do not know what it is like to be a parent. I only know what it’s like to be a teacher and an auntie (a kicka$$ auntie, if I do say so myself!) And as a teacher and an auntie, I miss my littles so much. Like, I mentioned, they have been a constant in my life and I worry and think and love and everything them. They are not mine…but they are “mine.” One thing that I like about living and teaching here in Hawai’i, is that you are “auntie” to everyone younger than you. My keiki have the chose to call me Ms. Charity or Auntie Charity…and no one bats an eye at it. And for the most part my preschool family treat ME like family…hence the term “school ohana”. Not only that, but my co-workers…yeah, I work at one of the best schools ever (am I biased, not really…maybe a little), but I am not joking…we are all like family here. We watch out for each other and have each other’s back. We have this thing that we are always saying, “Family first”….and we live by it. And we are all family. We are all ohana. And I miss them all.

I had…no I HAVE a real awesome group of kids this year. Well, every year I do…and every year I feel like I can’t love any group of kids that I love “this” group of kids…and every year I am wrong. Happily wrong. I love every child that walks through my door. That walks through the gates of my school. Who am I kidding…I have a soft spot with it comes to the early childhood years. I adore the 2 year-olds. One of my pet peeves is when I hear the term “terrible twos”; I hate that term…I lovingly say “terrific twos.” Again, I am saying this with a teacher/auntie point of view. As a parents, I might see things a little bit more different. But for now that that is how I see it.

I personally think it’s because I CHOOSE to be with that age. If I HAD to choose an age group to work with it would be the older 3-younger 4’s…but I do have love the 2 year-old age. Don’t get me wrong…they are at that “I want my independence!” stage and they will test your every boundary and push your every button you have and/or didn’t realize you had. They will cry for no apparent reason and they will stubbornly tune you out…ever heard of selective hearing?! Yes, try saying, “do you want candy” to a child who chooses to “hear” you and watch how fast they come running. You can accurately compare their attention span to that of a goldfish and get ready for one volume and one volume only. All day long. All 14 little ones. And in that one volume…oh, did I mention that volume is loud. Just loud…not soft loud, not medium loud, not extremely loud….just loud. But yes, in that loud volume of voice they will ALL talk to you at the same time. And they act as if they can’t hear each other talking…they just talk and except you to hear them. All. At. The. Same. Time. And you know what? You learn how to do that. You learn how to make each child feel like they are listened to and you slowly teach them to stop and listen to each other by echoing what each child says and asking that child what they thought of that. And you slowly realize that in the middle of all the noise, the mess, the constant stories, the cries…and the potty training…you love what you do.

I mean, at least I did. I do. I miss it. It’s been so long since I was in the middle of that “glorious” chaos. Did I think that it was “glorious” at that time, no. Do I miss the random cries, the sudden tantrums, the constant sound of loud, no…and yet, yes. What I miss the most is the hugs, and yes, the stories. I miss the cuddles and the random checking in from my littles. I miss the little hand that grabs onto mine and the arms that encircle my leg. I miss the rarity of an empty lap and the random “bop” on the nose. I miss the yells of excitement when a child’s favorite song comes up on the playlist (yes, I have music CONSTATNLY playing in my classroom), the random “epic dance parties” we would have, and how when they heard a specific song they knew to lay down and have a quiet moment. I miss doing my laundry and finding a random rock, dried flower, browning leaf or some trinket in my pocket, gift by a little one. I miss all the flowers the children would pick (we are blessed to have our preschool located where there are several plumeria trees and flowers everywhere!) and I miss the feel of a child pulling my hand to an open area of the playground so we can dance to whatever song that is playing. I miss hearing the children’s voices as they sing “Into the Unknoooooown! Into the unknooooooown!” for the millionth time. I miss having the children run up to me and spin in circles to show of their beautiful outfits and them yelling out, “watch this! Watch how fast I can run! Watch this!” I miss it all.

I miss when my littles would excitedly wait their turn to call out an animal for me to sing about so they can dance. I miss the little voice that says, “lavish me, aunty” (what they say when they want a cuddle). I miss looking over to the multiple fishtanks I have in my classroom to see the children talking to the fish and telling them stories. I miss how they have their own table to eat lunch at, but they still want to eat at the “big table” where their feet can’t even touch the ground, just so they can have lunch next to me. I miss the “torpedo” hugs…(you know that hug, that hug where the child locks in on you from across the way and nothing can get in his/her way as they barrel past everything and everyone just to explode into you for that hug that just so wanted at that very specific time.), and shockingly enough, I miss the fact that whenever I had to go to the bathroom I had an entourage that I would MAKE stay at the door and I had to talk to them and sing to them the whole time least they check under the stall to make sure I was still there.

I miss them. I miss my littles. I miss my keiki.

And I hope and pray that they are okay. I hope and pray that they know that I miss them. I hope and pray that they know that I love them.

Aloha!

A piece I created to remind myself that "Good things will happen, love is real, and WE WILL BE OKAY."

Random Rambles of a Quaratined Mind

It's been a little bit more than a month since we were encouraged to stay home and self-quarantine, social-distance, and/or social-isolate ourselves from the outside world. It hasn't been an easy, by far, and sometimes I wonder if this all is necessary. Then, I talk to a family/friend who is an essential worker...the amazing, self-sacrificing frontliner, and I think, yes, it really is necessary. It's hard, no joke, it really is hard, but I just tell myself apart, we are together.

I am blessed to have a place to stay at night. I have blessed to have a home to go to...a home to stay at; a place to call my own. I live in an amazing place that is gated and is beautiful...a horse ranch, and I can't complain that I am "stuck" in quarantine in this beautiful island of Oahu. My only gripe is the fact that I have next to no internet/cell reception...and that I am alone. I live alone. I am not quarantined with anyone, so I am alone. And with no reception...well, with very little reception, it is so hard to stay focused on what matters. I find myself starting to look at myself and feeling sorry for myself because somehow, along the way of these trying times, I had lost my self-motivation, self-determination, and self-worth.

I am a teacher with no classroom, no students. I am an Auntie, with no littles to love on. I am a friend, with limited ways to communicate to see if they are okay. I am a sister, with limited and short communication to my sister and brother. I am a daughter, with no way to be near my parents since they are high-risk. I am me, with no purpose. Or so it seemed. I tell myself...it is NOT like that and it is my choice to see it like that.

Or I can say, I am a teacher/auntie/friend/sister/daughter trying my best to do what I can do to help them...by staying home and not adding to the problem. I write letters, postcards, post videos up for my preschool keiki to watch. I call/text my family and friends whenever I can. I send little care package "letters" to random people. I cook and bake yummy experiments for my neighbors. I try to do my best to spread love and cheer in the midst of this horrible moment in time. And that is all that I can do.

I want so bad for things to go back to "normal" and then I ask myself, do I really? Do I really want things to go back to normal when "normal" was not the healthiest? I mean, come on, it took something like THIS to finally get people to understand that you have to WASH YOUR HANDS, and COVER YOUR MOUTH?! If normal means not doing those things as much, no, I don't want things to get back to normal. I pray that when this is all over, people will learn and take into consideration what they had to go through to get back into society.

I think what I want mainly is to not live in fear. I hate having to second-guess everything I do, and everywhere I go. As of right now, I have deemed my place, my school, and two of my friends houses as a "safe place" My place, because it will always be my safe place, my school because since we have closed our doors, no one goes there, except for us teachers who just stay in our own room. I go there to create videos for my little ones to watch. And two of my friends who are just as careful as I am, and who I trust that they will tell me if I can't come over for whatever reason. Since this all started I have only gone to the grocery store once; it helps that I am living by myself and I don't have to worry about taking care of anyone else. I do have to worry, though, about remembering to eat. I have found out that with no real schedule in my life at the moment, I tend to forget to eat.

But yes, I want to not live in fear. In fear that I might run into someone and want to badly give them a hug, but I can't. In fear that I might catch the dreaded COVID-19 virus and not be able to get ahold of anyone since I have limited connection to the outside world from my house. In fear that I won't get to be with my family any more. In fear to just make a "quick stop" at the store to grab some ice-cream. In fear of going to the beach and getting a fine because we aren't allowed on the beach anymore...much less hiking trails and public parks. I hate how limited human connection is now. I believe that we are built to have human connection and that without, life can get really hard. It is hard.

I always said that I loved my job. I am a 2-3 year old preschool teacher. Everyday I would come to school to unlimited hugs, unlimited stories, unlimited cuddles and love. Cold turkey I went from all of that to nothing. It has been more than a month since I received a hug. It was only just recently that I was even comfortable to get out and see people again. I live in a place that I lovingly call the "deadzone." It really is like the "deadzone"...so way off-the-grid. I get no mail, no tv service, no internet, no cell reception. Okay, the reality of it all, I do get service, but so minimal that it's hardly worth the mention. And it's hard. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss my kids. And I miss just being around people and knowing what is going on in the world. But I try to tell myself that I need to concentrate on myself and by staying limited in the places that I go, and by staying home for days on end, I am helping.

What have I been doing to stay sane? Read. Paint. Write. Lots and lots of writing. Do my nails (which is my guilty pleasure in this time of craziness). Sing. Play the piano. Play the ukulele. Sing. Work out. Lots and lots of working out.

Before all “this” happened, I used to wake up at the crack of dawn…4:30AM, text my good friend that I actually got up (love my accountability friend) and do some kind of work out. I try real hard to stay with that schedule. But now with long days that seem to last triple the actual “normal” day, I find myself unable to motivate myself to get up to work out. I mean, I USED to have to be at work at 7:00AM (Although, I would always get there at around 6:45AM), so I had to wake up at 4:30 to work out if I wanted to take a shower afterwards and put my face on (side story: love putting on makeup and doing my hair all cute—sometimes!) and drink my coffee, eat some kind of breakfast…and have my morning devotional! That is a lot of stuff to get done in just a little over 2 hours. I swear I am not a morning person! (Sunrise chaser, yes, but morning person, no.) But now that the days are soooo looonnnngggg….I don’t feel that need to wake up so early any longer. I keep my alarm at 4:30AM…blah, who am I kidding at 4:31AM (you KNOW that one minute is means SO MUCH that early in the morning! Don’t pretend you don’t know what I mean!), so I do wake up…but that does not mean I get up.

I did have a pep talk to myself though. One thing about living by yourself is that you are you own pep talk person. No one else is there to get you up and showing up…only you. When I first started living on my own, I would get the occasional parental call or big sister call…or even the brother call to see if I am okay…but now, who cares, right? Out of sight, out of mind…but it’s my responsibility to myself to be my own motivator. So, yes, I did give myself that pep talk and told myself to SUCK IT UP BUTTERCUP! Storms don’t last forever…so get up and show up. And so now, yes, in the morning (very vague here) I get up and do some time of kickboxing and then in the evening (again, very vague time frame here) I do Insanity by Shaun T. Have you heard of it?! Oh days, look it up…it’s something else. No joke. I am currently doing the Cardio Max…and it really is no joke. You want to sweat and feel like blacking out, but feel good about a good work out…check it out. And now that the beaches are open, I try to go to the beach and swim.

That’s another thing. I wish I were a mermaid. My mom said that I could be anything that I put my mind to and if I work real hard at it…I can do it; I can be it. I want to be a mermaid. Are mermaids real, you ask? Well, the ocean is huge, and we haven’t yet explored the who thing…and even if somehow we did, there is more that is left unexplored. That is all I am saying there.  

Well, enough of me rambling about anything and everything. Enjoy your life! Aloha!

"We are all in this together" I created this while holed up in "the deadzone". A good reminder, that even though we are apart, we are still together in this mess that the world is in. Together, healing together, far apart, but together.