Full Moon Ramblings

Last night was a full moon. In fact it was a SUPER full moon and when I looked online to make sure that it really was going to be a full moon last night I found out that it was also called the Full Corn Planting Moon and/or the Full Milk Moon. Why? I don't know, I didn't feel like doing a full on research on why, but it was nice to know that the beautiful moon that I saw last night had some pretty cool names...coz my days, it was a beautiful moon.

A picture I took last night enjoying the full moon.

When I was a little girl, I used to open up my window and it had a perfect view of the moon, at whatever phase it was at...and I would "talk to the moon" because I was taught that you had to "talk to God"...but I didn't really know how. All I know was that God was "up there" and at night whenever I looked "up there" I saw the moon. So at an early age, it was always me talking to moon hoping that somehow my words were also traveling "up there" to God. Also, it was a good visual for me...I wasn't just talking into space or something...I was talking to the moon and praying that it was somehow reaching God's ears. I know now that it was and has and will always be. But the moon holds a lot of sentiment to me.

The past few weeks have been tough, no doubt for everyone, but my feelings are valid, too. Sometimes it's easier for me to be strong for those who need me to be strong for them when they can't be strong themselves...but for some reason, for as long as I can remember, it has hard for me to allow someone to be strong for me. I somehow feel like I don't deserve it or something...but you know what, I'm slowly getting there. Trusting people more. But last night, as I was sat waiting for the moon to pop up out from all the clouds, I was zooming down memory lane and remembering all the secrets I would "tell" the moon...and I miss doing that.

I journal. I blog. I do have my friends that I talk to, however those nightly moments when I use to voice my thoughts to the moon, was so pure and so heartfelt. And that's what I did last night. I talk and talk and talked and realized that wow, that was something I really needed. I makes me smile to know that that same moon that I saw last night is the same moon that was there for me when I needed to talk all those years ago. I don't even know why I stopped. 

I love the ocean. I love the mysteries that it holds and I can watch documentaries of the wonders of the ocean for hours and hours and (if only I still had internet connection!) I could even let it play for a long time in the background of my daily life whenever I was home. But what also fascinates me is the cosmos. The heavens. The sky. I am a self-claimed sunrise chaser. (Mind you, I am by far a morning person...there IS a difference!) I can cloud watch, star gaze and meteor showers amaze me. I look for those wishing stars and I smile when I can recognize certain constellations. Whenever I can see a planet my heart beats a bit faster and when I spot a satellite passing overhead, it makes me smile. 

Nature is my inspiration. Yes, I hear that all the time. What inspires you? Nature. But it is so true. I can not even imagine life with out nature. And my heart fills up with so much happiness when I realize that there is a creator (God) that made all that...FOR ME. For everyone, yes...but I like to think that He took His time with certain things...a lot of things, really...because He know that it would make one of His children smile...me. At least that is MY belief. 

Yes, the times right now are uncertain. Yes, the times right now are tough, and sometimes...well, a lot of times, I just feel why?! What's the point? But I know, I know that there is an end. And no matter how lonely I feel, no matter how I feel like I'm alone in my struggles, no matter how tough it all is...the moon and the sun will always rise and fall, no matter who is watching it...it just does. And the God who created them loved me enough to know...that in my darkness, I would need light. And my heart is filled one more time.

The full moon over the Olomanas.

Random Rambles of a Quaratined Mind

It's been a little bit more than a month since we were encouraged to stay home and self-quarantine, social-distance, and/or social-isolate ourselves from the outside world. It hasn't been an easy, by far, and sometimes I wonder if this all is necessary. Then, I talk to a family/friend who is an essential worker...the amazing, self-sacrificing frontliner, and I think, yes, it really is necessary. It's hard, no joke, it really is hard, but I just tell myself apart, we are together.

I am blessed to have a place to stay at night. I have blessed to have a home to go to...a home to stay at; a place to call my own. I live in an amazing place that is gated and is beautiful...a horse ranch, and I can't complain that I am "stuck" in quarantine in this beautiful island of Oahu. My only gripe is the fact that I have next to no internet/cell reception...and that I am alone. I live alone. I am not quarantined with anyone, so I am alone. And with no reception...well, with very little reception, it is so hard to stay focused on what matters. I find myself starting to look at myself and feeling sorry for myself because somehow, along the way of these trying times, I had lost my self-motivation, self-determination, and self-worth.

I am a teacher with no classroom, no students. I am an Auntie, with no littles to love on. I am a friend, with limited ways to communicate to see if they are okay. I am a sister, with limited and short communication to my sister and brother. I am a daughter, with no way to be near my parents since they are high-risk. I am me, with no purpose. Or so it seemed. I tell myself...it is NOT like that and it is my choice to see it like that.

Or I can say, I am a teacher/auntie/friend/sister/daughter trying my best to do what I can do to help them...by staying home and not adding to the problem. I write letters, postcards, post videos up for my preschool keiki to watch. I call/text my family and friends whenever I can. I send little care package "letters" to random people. I cook and bake yummy experiments for my neighbors. I try to do my best to spread love and cheer in the midst of this horrible moment in time. And that is all that I can do.

I want so bad for things to go back to "normal" and then I ask myself, do I really? Do I really want things to go back to normal when "normal" was not the healthiest? I mean, come on, it took something like THIS to finally get people to understand that you have to WASH YOUR HANDS, and COVER YOUR MOUTH?! If normal means not doing those things as much, no, I don't want things to get back to normal. I pray that when this is all over, people will learn and take into consideration what they had to go through to get back into society.

I think what I want mainly is to not live in fear. I hate having to second-guess everything I do, and everywhere I go. As of right now, I have deemed my place, my school, and two of my friends houses as a "safe place" My place, because it will always be my safe place, my school because since we have closed our doors, no one goes there, except for us teachers who just stay in our own room. I go there to create videos for my little ones to watch. And two of my friends who are just as careful as I am, and who I trust that they will tell me if I can't come over for whatever reason. Since this all started I have only gone to the grocery store once; it helps that I am living by myself and I don't have to worry about taking care of anyone else. I do have to worry, though, about remembering to eat. I have found out that with no real schedule in my life at the moment, I tend to forget to eat.

But yes, I want to not live in fear. In fear that I might run into someone and want to badly give them a hug, but I can't. In fear that I might catch the dreaded COVID-19 virus and not be able to get ahold of anyone since I have limited connection to the outside world from my house. In fear that I won't get to be with my family any more. In fear to just make a "quick stop" at the store to grab some ice-cream. In fear of going to the beach and getting a fine because we aren't allowed on the beach anymore...much less hiking trails and public parks. I hate how limited human connection is now. I believe that we are built to have human connection and that without, life can get really hard. It is hard.

I always said that I loved my job. I am a 2-3 year old preschool teacher. Everyday I would come to school to unlimited hugs, unlimited stories, unlimited cuddles and love. Cold turkey I went from all of that to nothing. It has been more than a month since I received a hug. It was only just recently that I was even comfortable to get out and see people again. I live in a place that I lovingly call the "deadzone." It really is like the "deadzone"...so way off-the-grid. I get no mail, no tv service, no internet, no cell reception. Okay, the reality of it all, I do get service, but so minimal that it's hardly worth the mention. And it's hard. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss my kids. And I miss just being around people and knowing what is going on in the world. But I try to tell myself that I need to concentrate on myself and by staying limited in the places that I go, and by staying home for days on end, I am helping.

What have I been doing to stay sane? Read. Paint. Write. Lots and lots of writing. Do my nails (which is my guilty pleasure in this time of craziness). Sing. Play the piano. Play the ukulele. Sing. Work out. Lots and lots of working out.

Before all “this” happened, I used to wake up at the crack of dawn…4:30AM, text my good friend that I actually got up (love my accountability friend) and do some kind of work out. I try real hard to stay with that schedule. But now with long days that seem to last triple the actual “normal” day, I find myself unable to motivate myself to get up to work out. I mean, I USED to have to be at work at 7:00AM (Although, I would always get there at around 6:45AM), so I had to wake up at 4:30 to work out if I wanted to take a shower afterwards and put my face on (side story: love putting on makeup and doing my hair all cute—sometimes!) and drink my coffee, eat some kind of breakfast…and have my morning devotional! That is a lot of stuff to get done in just a little over 2 hours. I swear I am not a morning person! (Sunrise chaser, yes, but morning person, no.) But now that the days are soooo looonnnngggg….I don’t feel that need to wake up so early any longer. I keep my alarm at 4:30AM…blah, who am I kidding at 4:31AM (you KNOW that one minute is means SO MUCH that early in the morning! Don’t pretend you don’t know what I mean!), so I do wake up…but that does not mean I get up.

I did have a pep talk to myself though. One thing about living by yourself is that you are you own pep talk person. No one else is there to get you up and showing up…only you. When I first started living on my own, I would get the occasional parental call or big sister call…or even the brother call to see if I am okay…but now, who cares, right? Out of sight, out of mind…but it’s my responsibility to myself to be my own motivator. So, yes, I did give myself that pep talk and told myself to SUCK IT UP BUTTERCUP! Storms don’t last forever…so get up and show up. And so now, yes, in the morning (very vague here) I get up and do some time of kickboxing and then in the evening (again, very vague time frame here) I do Insanity by Shaun T. Have you heard of it?! Oh days, look it up…it’s something else. No joke. I am currently doing the Cardio Max…and it really is no joke. You want to sweat and feel like blacking out, but feel good about a good work out…check it out. And now that the beaches are open, I try to go to the beach and swim.

That’s another thing. I wish I were a mermaid. My mom said that I could be anything that I put my mind to and if I work real hard at it…I can do it; I can be it. I want to be a mermaid. Are mermaids real, you ask? Well, the ocean is huge, and we haven’t yet explored the who thing…and even if somehow we did, there is more that is left unexplored. That is all I am saying there.  

Well, enough of me rambling about anything and everything. Enjoy your life! Aloha!

"We are all in this together" I created this while holed up in "the deadzone". A good reminder, that even though we are apart, we are still together in this mess that the world is in. Together, healing together, far apart, but together.