[Can't sleep] Raw Thoughts

.. [Can't Sleep] Raw Thoughts..

....I wish that I could turn back the hands of time,

But if could, I wonder if I’d still make you mine.

I try not to think, I try not to care,

But I guess it’s one way that life’s not fair.

The more I try to think less of you,

The more it seems as if I do.

I hate this feeling, I hate it a lot.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t get caught up

In this tangled web of confusion

In this tangle web of hurt

Oh goodness gracious, I juss want it to end.

I know it’s my choice to move on or not,

I find it really crazy that I ever fought

For that feeling of love that I thought it was.

And now I’m stuck here, alone by myself

And he’s there with her; happy.

Why does it have to happen to me?

Over and over again?

Will I ever learn to not to trust?

Will I ever learn that it’s not meant for me?

It hurts so bad, but I hide it inside,

Shit, I hide it inside.

What the fuck am I suppose to do?!

Am I suppose to forget?

Am I suppose to hate?

Am I suppose to…what?!

I’ve gone through so much heartbreak,

I’ve gone through so much pain,

So why the fuck, can’t I get over this already?!

It frustrates me how I can’t move on,

It frustrates me how he can do this to me,

It frustrates the fuck out of me!

Fuckin’ A, man…why?!

He’s happy, he told me so.

I need to let it go.

I need to move on.

I’ve learned my lesson and

I need to let go and move on.

I hate goodbye’s, I hate it a lot

Endings are worst though.

I’ll not fight this feeling, I’ll juss let it ride

Because one day, I know, he’ll be a memory

That’s all, a memory…if that.

But for now, I’ll juss ride it out

These feelings of pain

These feelings of hurt

I’ll juss ride it out.

I have no other choice, but to ride it out.

[You will never realize how much you care about a person until the thought of them being with someone else is enough to break your heart.] <~~~~ The quote I read that made me realize that I wanted to say “yes” to him in the first place, and the quote that continues to break my heart....

[Transferred from my myspace blog]

Mad for nothing.

“The hardest challenge is to be yourself in a world where everyone is trying to make you be somebody else.” –E.E. Cummings

The world isn’t an easy place to be. Although I haven’t done any “research” to find out if that is true or not, I think that it’s safe to say that that is a fact rather than a theory. Nearly everything has a guide of some sort to get through, or a manual, or some kind of directions to help you, but life is something that you have to go through trial and error and you just have to keep trying and trying until you succeed. Once you give up, that’s it.

Yesterday someone committed suicide here in our school because rumors have said that he couldn’t take the fact that his “sweetheart” had broken up with him. Like I said, the world isn’t an easy place to be.

Being a psychology major, I thought that it would be just a little bit easier to understand what makes people tick, what makes people behave the way they do. According to ....Murray...., it’s needs that make you behave the way you to, According to Freud, it’s your unconsciousness and childhood past that makes you who you are. Karen Horney, safety and security. Adler, superiority…Maslow, hierarchy of needs. I can know all these facts, but in reality, I personally think that understanding a human being is a pretty complicated thing and it’s all on an individual basis.

When things are going your way, it’s so easy to “know” who you are, it’s easy to get through life, it’s easy to smile and laugh and it’s juss easy. But it’s when the going gets tough that makes you question everything. But it’s how you get through those tough times that tells you who you really are.

I guess for me, all my life I had it pretty easy. I have a personality that makes it easy for me to get along with people. I learned how to trust at a young age so I’m not [too] afraid to meet people and go new places. I am lucky to have friends who accept me for who I am. I grew up in a place that is so accepting and for the most part they don’t judge. At home it was so easy to be happy. At home it was so easy to find something to do to take out my pain, my anger, my hurt. At home it was so easy to just be who I thought it was. I loved to travel and I never had a problem.

Here, I’m so out of my comfort zone, and I don’t have all the “easy” things and people that I had at home. I literally had that chance to start all over again since no one knows who I am. They didn’t watch me grow up, they don’t know my past, they don’t know the kind of person that I am. But it’s kinda funny how although they don’t know that, I have such strong character traits that people view me that same as they do at home…but the hard part is that since they haven’t seen how I was at home and that I do hurt too, it’s harder to show my feelings. I have always had that problem, and I know that it’s a problem, but I don’t know how to go about to show my feelings
…

I’ve always had certain activities that I could do to release my negative emotions, but here I don’t, and it’s getting harder and harder to keep it all in. And I wonder, what is the real world?! Here in the ....Philippines.... or home in the States? Culture is so different here. So very different here.

In all honesty, when I went home last October, I had thought that when I got home, people would have thought that I have change so much, because here I am nothing like I am at home…but it’s not, from the second I saw my friends at the airport to pick me up, I was myself, the person I knew and was comfortable with. Being here in the ....Philippines...., although I have been here for a while, I’m having a lot of trouble trying to figure out who I am.

I never like confrontations or “going against the grain” type of thing…but like what I said in that quote…it’s so hard being myself when people are trying to make me into someone I’m not. I realize that I can be stubborn and I don’t want to change. I respect and honor the culture here, but I will NOT be corrupt, I will NOT be mean, I will not fall into blackmail or anything that they want me to do. The teachers here are something else…I know that they are trying to break me because I have no idea…but I also know that it irritates them that they can’t see that they are nearly breaking me…I guess it’s a “blessing and curse” that I can always laugh and smile no matter how I’m feeling inside. Because the harder my teachers give me so much beef, the more frustrated they become that I can still smile. I know that it sounds weird and odd, but it’s how it is…and I know that I tend to exaggerate juss a little at times, but I know that I’m not this time because people also tell me that.

They yell at me, they put me down, they criticize me with no encouragement, they name call me, they tell me that I’m not “fit to be a psychologist”…all in front of my classmates and friends, but yet, I can juss stand there and look at them and show no emotion. Then turn around and start joking around with my friends and classmates as if their words don’t hurt me. And I think that is what frustrates them, because they think that I don’t care, but I do, because when there is no one left to joke around with and I am at home doing my homework, I do it with everything that I am. I take their words and pour it out on my work…I go jogging every night so that I’m so tired that I can’t feel any anger energy anymore…I do everything I can so that I can get through with it all.

I have people to talk to, ya…but I’m being selfish because they also have problems of their own, and I’m not one to impose and stuff. *laughs* it’s times like this where I know that I can’t be a psychologist counselor, because people’s problems become my own and I really feel what they are going through and it hurts me when people hurt and I will do my best to help them out in their problem, even if it’s just being there for them and being strong for them…but what they don’t know is that I’m breaking inside and I need someone to be strong for me. But no, I can’t be dependent, because when I fall, I’m the only who can pick myself up, and I can’t rely on people to do that for me, you know.

When I was younger, one of the main advise that “older” people would give me was to enjoy my “young life” because it doesn’t get easier, it doesn’t get harder, it juss gets different and you know more pain and stuff…one thing that you can never get back is time. My care-free days are now over, and living out in the real world is eye-opening, that’s for sure.

Some advise that I have learned this past year, and actually learned it the hard way: everything happens for a reason, someone has it worst than you, never trust anyone with no exceptions, people will use you if they can get away with it, life is anything but a fairytale, trust is a given in a relationship but expect everything, everything is not what it seems, people will lie [or keep information from you] to save their own ass, you choose to keep going or to give up.

*hugs and kisses*

“Always be happy and always wear a smile, not because life is full of reasons to smile but because your smile is a reason for others to be happy.” [Thanks Achalu, sometimes I need that reminder!]

[Transferred from my myspace blog]

Yellow-Jello-Hello!

Good-morning world…wow, I know that I juss wrote a bloggie thingy thing-thing yesterday describing numerous, or not really that much events, but my goodness…I juss I’m juss in a sharing mood or something! *laughs*

So yeah, Jo slept over we ended up talking forever!  I did wake up early though to start on my homework. Girl-talk is good to have. I mean, I have to admit that talking with guys is also VERY good, in my opinion…especially with guys who tell you how it is, and not what you want to hear…that same goes for if I’m having a conversation with a girl…but then it was good talking to Jo again, and getting out in the open…about “the fight” and everything and what really went down and stuff.

As always, a common knowledge about me, is that I get restless REALLY easily and yep, that is what happened yesterday. Jo ended up sleeping in until really late in the day…and I ended up waking up and doing my homework, cleaning the house and talking with who ever walked past my door.

So one thing I dislike about humans is that they TEND to like to gossip. I mean it’s really annoying how people won’t really mind their own business. I think that there are a few guys that I would have dated, but then when I feel like I’m backed in a corner, I start to rebel in my own way. So now there are “things” and “rumors” going around about me and a certain guy. For crying out loud, I JUSS got out of a relationship that really shook my strength and left me on my knees asking God WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! So why would I get into a relationship so soon. And for crying out loud, this guy has been my “top” guy friend here for a long time so why is rumors going around now. He tells me to not let it phaze me…but I’m that kind of chica that I might not SHOW that it affects me, but it really does.

Another things about me is that I hate hurting people, and so if I get the feeling that I’m hurting someone then I juss do something so that it won’t hurt them anymore…it’s kinda hard to explain. But so like I said, yesterday while doing my homework, I was hella restless and so I would juss talk to anyone who walked past my place, or I’d get up and start cleaning some random place in my house…anyways, I have long suspected that one of my apartment people at my place likes me. I feel so conceited saying that…but there’s no other way to say it. I mean, you can juss kinda tell when someone likes you and stuff. Anyways, he comes up to me yesterday and goes, “I know that there is something between you and ******, but it’s okay, because at least I know now.” Or something like that, and I’m like WHAT?! What are you talking about?! And he is saying that people are talking about me and that other guy…how they see me always going to his place, and how they see him always going to my place and how they see me leave his place in the morning, and how we are always together, and they see us leave to go places together  and blah-blah-blah-la-la-la-la. Oh okay, so I see what it is now…it’s a culture thing. They automatically assume things if you are always with a guy…I guess here it’s hard for them to grasp the concept that it’s okay to have guys JUSS as friends. So, I’m alone at my place, I don’t usually stay at my place, if I’m at his place, and it’s already late, so I sleep over, why you gotta assume the worst is what I wanna know. What have I done for you to assume the worst (my goodness, it’s cold this morning!! *laughs*). And another thing, why pin-point it to one guy?! I hang out with enough guys, and I even hang out with a lot of girls! *rolls eyes* I guess that one saying goes here, “people who talk about you make you the center of their world.” But I don’t even want to the center of someone or anyone’s world…for crying out loud, I don’t even WANT attention. I juss want to live my life the way that I want to live my life. With no one trying to create some drama-la-la about it all. Go find someone else to talk about. *laughs* my life isn’t even that much interesting compared to some other’s but hm…who am I to talk. *laughs*

So now, I’m thinking…hanging out with this one guy hurts this other guy because he likes me, because why should it bother him in the first place. So now I’m stuck because I don’t to hurt him, but I like hanging out with this other guy. But what I don’t understand is this, I told this guy that I “suspect” likes me, that I don’t want a boyfriend. I want to stay away from that kind of relationship for the time being, for a long time and I juss want to have fun. So why is he making a big deal about me and the other guy who hang out a lot. Oh okay, so yeah, maybe jealousy is all I can think about…but what the heck, man. And yeah, maybe I’m analyzing things too deeply because I know that right now my defense mechanism is kicking in…but I don’t wanna hurt anyone…but what the heck…oh okay, I’m juss gonna think that there are other things to think about…because I don’t wanna become a hermit and juss stay in my house hiding from the world so that I won’t hurt anyone. Shit, man, why do I get hurt all the time. I care too much…but then that’s my fault now. *laughs* But goodness, I never mean to hurt anyone…serious.

So yesterday me and Achalu (oh bother! You know who I’m talking about now. *laughs*) went to finally get our massages. I had heard of these really good massages at Paseo, but for the life of us we couldn’t find it. We found this other place though and the people there were really nice. So, yeah, I know that I hang out with this guy a lot, but I’ve never really paid attention how we LOOK like when we are walking together. It’s not I’ve never hung out with taller guys before, but I remember at home I would wear shoes with heals of some sort…here, I juss wear flats. So, I’m straight up my 4’ 10 ½”, with no added height…it doesn’t bother me, but while we were looking for that one massage place that my friend told me about, we were walking past a lot of store reelections…and it was pretty funny. He makes me look super short. *laughs* and it super duper reminded me of my guy friends at home…I mean, we all know that Asians aren’t that tall (well most of them, at least Filipinos), so I never really felt as short as I do at home. (Not that I care that I’m so short. *laughs*) But Achalu is 6’2”…!We had to fill out these forms since we were new clients and stuff…and before I could fill out mine, he took my form and filled it out, turns out he knows me pretty well. *laughs* and he finally got my weight out of me! But then I filled his out, and ja! I know him at least the facts about him *laughs* pretty well. *laughs* oh my goodness…so we weren’t in the same room when we got our massages, but he was next door to me and we were talking with each other some while getting our massages and I was hella laughing at him because his person that was massaging him talks a lot. And she was saying that he reminds her of JESUS! His eyes, his hands, his LEGS! Oh my goodness, I was laughing. It was so obvious she was flirting with him. And I was also laughing because he barely fit on the massaging bed thingy. *laughs* It was a very humorous experience. The massage was okay, but it wasn’t great…it was okay lang. Then when we were finished, and we were going away on the motorbike, I was like “Achalu, look…!” And we saw the sign for the place that we were looking for…! The Thai massage place…and so we went up to check out the place, and it looked a lot better and the atmosphere looked better, the place SMELLED better and it juss looked really nice and stuff. So we were like, okay, next time this is where we are going! “Anything for Achalu” *laughs* (jejeje…I know, I shouldn’t have added that, since it’s an inside joke and no one knows…but I couldn’t resist. *laughs*)

Jo told me that I was disappointed because I was giving up so much for my school. My social life, staying home, uhm…”someone”, and everything like that…but yet, still it’s not enough because my teachers still give me so much grief. And she said that I need to get out more. I mean, I think that I realized that I need to concentrate on school so that was why I gave up most of my social life, but I’m not sure that many people realize how much of a sacrifice that really is, and how much that is going totally against my personality and stuff. I knew that I was feeling disappointed, but Jo put the word to it, because all I knew was that I was feeling down a lot and I was having trouble keeping the smile on my face when everything around me was falling apart.  I know that I’m in the process of healing my (already *laughs*) broken heart, but that was the last straw that almost made me crack and for a few days it did make me crack…I mean, everyone hurts bad when someone hurts them that way, I know, but I couldn’t even talk. Oh okay, I take that back, I could, but it was the first time that I could remember in a long time that I had to FORCE the words out of my mouth and stuff…which is one of the reasons why I went out last last weekend.

Sometimes I wonder, yeah, I have my goals, I have my dreams, I know what I want to do in life…so why am I here?! Why am I allowing myself to deviate from the path of doing what I want…and it all comes down to what Achalu said…people. I’m a person pleaser and my greatest fear is…jajaja…I don’t ‘think imma mention it…but basically I don’t wanna disappoint anyone, and I live my life for others…which isn’t always a bad things…it only gets bad when you have forgotten that we only have one life and we should accomplish what we want to do, and I think that I have forgotten that. So now I’m in the process of trying to figure out [again] what I’m going to do.

Life is way too hard to live, and I can’t even imagine someone even attempting to write a manual on how to live life “properly” because so many things can happen, man! But you know, even though life can get too hard to live sometimes, it’s an adventure, you never know what’s gonna happen, and how you handle what happens to you is what makes you, right?! I remember in the middle of my venting and frustrations, I was like, “Why can’t God juss come already and juss end all this headache this life is giving me!?” or something like that…and my friend was like, “But if He does come, would you be ready?”

I need to get my life back on track. I need God back in my life…I went to church last week [I really appreciated the speaker a lot]…and Achalu was like, “What made you want to go to church?!” And I said, “I want to be happy again.” And he said, “But you are always happy.” And I said, “really?” and he juss smiled because he knows me too well, and he knows what I was talking about. Maybe that’s why I’m stressing out in life, and why I am having a hard time handling situations that are too much to bare alone. I had a strong relationship with God back at home, where it was easy to have a good relationship with Him…and maybe that’s why I could smile all the time and not have a hard time juss being happy, it wasn’t a choice for me any longer, being happy, because it was juss a given…maybe I need that relationship back so that I can be like that again, and so I am trying.

Well, oh okay…I think I have now said enough…*laughs* here is me, talking-talking-talking. *laughs* I love you all and miss you all muchoness, as in!!

*Hugs and kisses*

“Mahirap makapagbreak sa mahal mo…at sabihing: “Friends na lang tayo!” pero, diba, mas mahirap kalimutan ang nakaraan lalo na pag siya parin ang patuloy na tanitbok ng puso mo!” (“It’s hard to break up with the one you love and say, “lets just be friends.” But, right? It’s even harder to forget the past when it’s still that person who still has your heart…” rough translation, I know! *laughs*)

[Transferred from my myspace blog]

Bumble bee Tuna!! *laughs*

So on my goodness, I’m still surviving, it’s been a more than a month now since I found out. Joanna is sleeping still, she slept over and we were suppose to wake up at 5.30am to go jogging and then work-out at 6.am…but that would be a problem if we went TO SLEEP at 5.30am. *laughs* I guess it’s one of those times where you don’t expect to have a heart to heart talk and it gets deep and we talk about everything. Wow…it’s been such a long time since I’ve done that…and it’s been a long time since I’ve done a lot of things that make me realize that I really want to go home.

Let me see, I’ve had a pretty good, spiritually uplifting week. I don’t even know where to start! *laughs* Well, Imma juss do what I do best and juss start talking and whatever I feel like talking about, Imma juss write it out, if I miss something, then oh well, maybe it wasn’t meant to be written. *laughs*

This week was week of prayer. And I will be honest as anything here, I usually hate week of prayers because everything is messed up. The schedule and I hate being forced to go to church. Most times the speakers seem like the talk is scripted anyways, and I don’t usually get anything much out of the sermon and stuff. It’s hot and I have to sit still through something that I’m forced to go through and it juss makes me roll my eyes and stuff…but you know, I’m glad that it week of prayer came at this time, because at this time in life my goodness…something is going on with me emotionally. Many times in the past weeks I thought God was playing “Job” with me, and juss allowing Satan fuck with me juss to see if he can get me to break and every time I would try to brush it off the hardship like I would before because, right? “As long as I can smile and laugh, then I’m going to be okay?!” It was getting harder and harder to smile and it was getting harder and harder to find that positive thing in life. And I felt I was juss running on autopilot being the happy, smily, bubbly girl that everyone knew…and yeah, I admit, that is me, but this time, I felt like I was being someone trapped inside this outer being of happiness. It’s kinda hard to explain.

And for awhile, I was like trying to reach out to God, because they say that the best person to reach out to when you feel like that is God, right?! Well, I was trying, but I was juss getting this empty space that was a brick wall. Litterally…I would try, but I wouldn’t get that feeling that someone was listening. I had a habit of going outside to look at the stars and I would search and try find the big dipper because a long lost “best” friend once told me that if ever I felt alone in the world, look for the big dipper and juss know that he was looking at that same set of stars thinking of me. And whenever I would get all lonely and only I would look at the big dipper constellation, and even though that was years ago that he told me that, I would remember what he told me, but in all honesty, I can’t even find the big dipper here…and I would get all sad because not even the stars would be there for me, and there are millions of stars…

The speakers name was Pastor Eugene Dela Pena. And I really liked him because he told his experience. I don’t remember exact detail, but basically when he was still and elementary child, he was locked up 20 times already. He did drugs, he did everything that you can possibly think of…like I can’t give him his justice on his past, but basically, he was in the notorious gang here in the Philippines and everything, but one time while he was locked up when he was older and stuff, he heard about Christ and his life turned around and now his ministry is his life story and how he was a drug addict, an alcoholic, womanizer and everything…but because people were praying for him and stuff…his life is turned around. You know I wanted to go to every one of those chapels because I wanted to hear more about his life, I went to church juss to hear him speak, I even went to church at 3 and stayed until 6.30pm just so that I can hear all his words, it was really powerful. And I loved it.

On Thursday my teacher wanted to do an all-nighter class, and even though I was upset about that, I tried to juss brush my anger off and juss let it happen and not complain…but then they switched it and let the over-nighter be on a weekend…February 14-February 15! What is that…oh okay, we all know that I hate that dreaded “Love Day…” But I mean, it was a weekend that I could have spent with my friends and stuff…and I’m like saying that if the teachers don’t have a life, why did they have to take ours! Anyways, we had this weekend to be free, and its literally my last weekend free…and here is the thing though, it was raining on Friday, and I was suppose to go hang out with Joannamarie. And I was like telling her that I didn’t want to go out anymore because I wasn’t bothered to walk out in the rain and get all wet and stuff…but she was all like “No, Che we’re going out…full stop.” *laughs* don’t you juss LOVE her “British lingo”!?! *laughs* yeah, at first it’s a little confusing and stuff, but in general, it’s pretty straight forward. *laughs* And I was juss standing outside in my balcony watching the rain pour down. I don’t have any proper jackets or coats or anything here…and so I was like, hm…I juss gotta suck it up. Anyways, long story short…I eventually walked in the rain to Jo’s place and when I got there, I was juss wearing jeans and sweater, I didn’t even wear anything under the sweater because yeah, I wasn’t planning to do really anything…but she was like, “Che, we’re gonna go out and take pictures!” And I was like, what?! She was dolled up hella cute and stuff…and I was like, what is this, man?! Anyways, I ended up dressing up all cute and stuff too…and it was hella fun actually. I remember I use to do that at home with Gayle and I really miss it. (Remember, Leah-girl, that one “photo shoot”?! *laughs*) and we were all dressed and cute and stuff…and then we had to make our way to the gate to get off campus, that was funny…because it was raining and stuff…oh man, I’m not much bothered to get into details, but basically we got drenched in the rain, but we still had a lot of fun because we kept laughing. We did end up taking pictures, but I’m too shy to put them up because first of, (Leah-girl, this one is for you) I was wear a purple dress! *laughs* yeah, when have I ever worn anything that color…?! *laughs* it was okay…it was cute. *laughs* and also because we took HELLA pictures…against a WHITE background, but when we got the pictures after an hour…why was there really cheesy backgrounds?! I mean, really REALLY cheesy backgrounds?! Like “with love, flowers…” Type of girly-girlie thingy thingy-thing blah-blahs! I mean the pictures were cute, but the background killed it and made us look like tini-boppers or something.

Oh my goodness, and the guy who was taking our pictures was a little too flirty, touchy-feely for me! He kept brushing my hair back and was like “I want to see your cute face.” I’m like get offa me! He kept trying to hold my hand and like juss he was weird and WAY to forward! He was all to Jo, “Can I touch your legs?!” What the hell?! And then he kept putting us in weird posses…you can obviously see what HIS fetish was! And he was like, “I want to marry one of you.” Fuck that! And I told him that I was 14 and that Jo was 12 years old, and he was like saying that that’s okay…what the fuck, man! It was weird…and it was uncomfortable…I was like telling Jo, that she needs to bring her “boylet” there and take pictures and I’ll bring some guy to take pictures with me there, and he can get put in his place or something…he’s weird, man! I can’t even explain it!

Saturday, I actually got my ass up to go to church since I really liked Pastor Eugene and stuff…I was really blessed by him, no joke. But the whole day I was hella restless, and I was wanting to get a group of us to go out to eat and stuff…Oh my goodness…so like we had to sit in the balcony (hella hot, man!) a Eddie was like, don’t panic, but look up…so we were up there in the balcony yeah, and we have like these hanging lights or something, and hanging from one of the lights near me was one of those humungous spiders on steroids…oh my goodness, so like I couldn’t barely pay attention to the sermon for a time because I knew in 3 seconds flat that big ass spider could land on me and eat me whole! And Eddie was hella laughing…I swear it was like those Halloween decorations with those huge spiders on cobwebs and stuff. But anwyays, I missed my brother a lot and so I texted him that I missed him and that was sitting in church where a hella humongo spider was hanging over my head and it freaked me out. Yeah, I know you’re prolly like, why didn’t you move…I’m swear when I said the church was hella full and there was NO WHERE to move. It’s like a sea of people and that’s not easy to move around. But yeah…

Jo slept over last night and we didn’t go to sleep until really late/early, and we talked about a lot of stuff. Yeah, I do tell Achalu a lot of stuff and I’m glad that I have him in my life (as a friend! So PLEASE no assuming, I hate when people do that…) But then it was good to have a girl to talk to, because yeah, I love the conversations that I have with Achalu because he has the guy point of view…(which I think it’s good to know…! He could be lying to me, but he wouldn’t say something like he did if he was…) and we disagree in a lot of stuff…but then it was good to have a girl to talk to. I miss Jynny and Joynessless a lot. Yep, I do.

Anyways, I best go now. I love you and miss you all a lot.

*hugs and kisses*

“Being a quitter doesn’t mean you are a loser….Every time you quite it doesn’t mean your giving up, it only means that you have to let go of what you think is UNFAIR.”

[Transferred from my myspace blog]

Just let life go its own course

I’ve tried everything that I can possibly think of, within my morals though, to forget. But nothing has worked. So I realized this, I have to juss let life go it’s own course. I can’t hurry life, I can’t slow down life…I juss have to let it take it’s own course. I can do things to make life SEEM like it goes faster, but at the ends of the day, no matter how much fun I’ve had, no matter how much I work out and run until I am so physically exhausted, no matter how much I study and concentrate on my school work so that I am mentally drained, no matter how much I try…at the end of the day, I’m still left by myself with my thoughts and emotions and feelings and what’s left of what’s inside of me. I thought that this time it would be easier than it was the other times I had to go through this, but each situation is different. And I thought that this time at least I would know what to expect, and I know how to get over it…but all that gives me comfort is that one day, one unknown day, it’s not going to hurt as much and I won’t think about it all the time. I know that and so that helps because right now, I’m juss living towards that day, and so as each day that crawls by I’m so thankful to God that I survived and I didn’t have a emotional breakdown.

It’s funny how life works. It’s an adventure, and I so can’t complain that I didn’t have my share of them. Ups and downs, its all a part of life. I love having conversations with my neighbor because it’s juss so eye-opening and stuff…juss a few minutes ago he goes, “I know you, well, I know ½ of you. *laughs* you can’t hide anything from me. You smile, yet I know inside your not. Life sucks…but you still smile. You never complain or have trouble with life, you juss have problem with people.” *laughs* so that made me laugh because me?! Have problem with people?! Then he went on to explain…and it totally made sense…my “problem” with people is that I care too much that I do unnecessary too much caring and I sacrifice myself for their happiness…but here’s my point…it makes me happy to know that people are happy. It makes me happy to know that I made someone happy. It hurts me if I hurt anyone…it would kill me if I was mean to someone or something on purpose, but it still also hurts me if I unintentionally hurt someone. So how I see it is this…I’m nice to people because I want too. Does that make any sense? Yeah, I’ll get hurt along the way because of it, but then it would hurt me even more to know that I robbed someone of happiness.

Sometimes I wonder if I had less of a conscious, what I would be like. *laughs* I think I empathize to much…I live by that golden rule I guess.. “Do unto others as you would like done to you.” I hate it when people are mean to me, so I don’t be mean. Juss like that…oh but (let me hold that thought, Achalu wants to go work out right now…and I should since Imma be gone later tonight and I’m not going to come back in time for the gym, and I don’t wanna jog super late…so Imma go now…I’ll finish this later)

Wow, so it’s 3.06pm now…that’s a record or working out and cardio exercise! *laughs* At least for me, no wait, I take that back…*laughs* Well, I actually forgot what my “thought” was, and so if it comes to me, I’ll let you know…but yeah.

So yeah, these past days were pretty fun. It was filled with a lot of hm… “mishaps” but for the most part I had fun. I haven’t been out with friends like that in a long time, and even though I thought I was over that stuff and stuff…it ended up being good for me, for a moment, I actually didn’t forget my pain, but it didn’t hurt that much for a bit. It’s been almost a month already, so I would have guessed that the pain would have deaden juss a little, but then, I shouldn’t have expected that because, I know me and it takes forever…literally to heal. But I’m really trying to hurry up the process.

OH! I can’t forget this… “Rabbit, Rabbit!” jejeje…I super duper need more “luck” in life. Oh maybe I juss need to start praying more. And I said that full of seriousness…because I have this friend who is going through something similar as I am…and she did say that talking to God about her hurt helps…and for someone who likes to talk a lot and stuff…I’m finding it hard to talk to God. It’s sad, but I guess I need to learn fast…but wow…yeah.

I can’t believe that it’s already the second month of this year. Sometimes it seems as if life is going so fast, and then other times, it’s way too slow. I guess when I look at the bigger picture, life goes by fast…but one day at a time…one hour at a time…one minute, one second…it’s goes too slow. Not many people really know what I’m going through…and for some reason at this time a lot of people are going through a lot of relationship problems and stuff…and for some odd reason, they come to me…and they always ask me…why does time seem to go really slow when you are heartbroken…I wish I can answer that question for them, because I would like to know the answer as well. But you know, even though they don’t know what I’m going through, it does help me because at least I know that I’m not alone…and even though I do know that…it helps to know that to someone I’m still some comfort and stuff…if someone needs to vent out their pain, at least I can be there for them. And now it’s February…and I know that it’s going to be hard for a lot of people when the dreaded “love day” comes around. At least for me, I didn’t really expect too much since I always seem to be in the same situation when that day comes around. One day, my time will come…

I’m not gonna lie, but it’s getting harder and harder keeping the smile on my face, and it’s getting harder and harder trying to stay optimistic…but I know that I can do it. The day that I can’t smile any more, the day I can’t laugh anymore, is the day I have lost…and I refuse to give up on life. Because one day I’ll understand it all. 

It’s hard though, because I hate not knowing…but that’s life, right? You never know what’s going to happen in the next second. A single word, second, look, anything can change the future and make anything happen. So, I know that I’m never going to know everything…but sometimes I wish I knew why things happen. There’s a lot of questions that I have that I wish I could have the answers…but for some reason, I don’t think that I’ll ever know the answers…

Why?! Why didn’t he juss tell me? Why do I have to have such a big conscious? Why do I feel so restless? Why do I feel like I always have to be on the move? Why am I such a talk-a-tive person, but I have such a hard time talking about my feelings? Why are there goodbyes that last forever?

While I was working out, there was this lil baby that was there…and she was making me smile…I was (trying to *laughs*) make beats and stuff…and she was dancing…it was cute…and I was first on the stationary bike, and she kept wanting me to carry her…and so I put her on my lap…but I felt bad because I was all sweaty, but the mom was like its okay…and she turned herself around so that she was facing me and she would juss hold my (sweaty!) face in her hands juss look at me making baby sounds…she is 1 year old…and she is so cute…I would put her down, but she would always put her hands up so that I can pick her up. She is so cute…and when her mom brought her back inside, she blew me a kiss…she’s a cute one. I want one...naw make that five. *laughs* 

So this past weekend…after we came back to the condo, I took a shower…and for the first time in a long time it was a warm shower, it felt so good…and my friend told me that she wanted me to use this one conditioner in my hair…and I was like I didn’t want to use conditioner, because being in the Philippines already makes my hair really silky and I didn’t want it to be extra silky…but she was like I should juss try it, and oh my goodness…I LOVE how it makes my hair feel and I would totally recommend it to anyone and everyone to try it! It’s this conditioner that they would use on horse hair…yeah the ANIMAL! But no joke, man! It made my hair super soft and silky…I will never again say that my hair is naturally soft and silky…because compared to what it was before I used the conditioner it’s WOW soft and WOW silky. I remember my mom would use it at home, but I was like, are you f’realz!? Yeah, I have learned that my mom does know best. *laughs* I need to find out what it’s called and if you wanna know, I’ll let you know…but Imma go to the store and get me some…it really makes my hair feel nice. Yeah, I don’t think Imma cut my hair in a long time…it’s getting longer now…but yeah, I think I like long hair better…at least my hair grows fast…I remember my sister use to have hair like me…and she cut her hair super short and now it’s wavy…pretty still, but not as straight as mine…but yeah…what if that happened to me!? I use to always perm my hair though. *laughs* and you thought I NEVER would put chemicals in my hair! *laughs*

Well, I took hella pictures this past weekend…juss sucks that they weren’t on my camera…so I’ll get the pictures and post them up when I get them from everyone…I’ve been trying to stay busy and have fun. But yeah…but for now, I need to go and juss yeah…do something. I don’t wanna be sitting here typing anymore…Love you all muchoness!!

*hugs*

Somebody once told me: “Be strong, remember, not everything has a happy ending and endings don’t mean stop…it’s juss a way of telling us that there’s a new beginning ahead of us. You should always be ready for the unpredictable and expect the unexpected…it’s easy to fall, hard to get up…but once you’re up and back on track, you will be a better person. That’s the way of life. You don’t juss live in it…you learn from it.”