Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Whit's End.

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Whenever I feel like everything is crashing around me and I am struggling to find a reason to not give up, I try to remember what my ex-bf told me...whenever I think that I have it bad, there is someone out there that has it worst. And it's true. It doesn't mean that I can't have bad days though. Today was a bad day. I've had worst days...but today was a bad "mental" day. And yesterday, I was having a bad "emotional" day.

We all have those days. I often wonder where "inner strength" comes from. A lot of people tell me that I have a lot of inner strength...that I am always positive no matter. Oh yeah, I can blow my top just like that next person, but [according to them] I have a lot of patience and forgiveness. Sometimes, I wonder how much of that is real. *laughs* No, I know it's all real...but sometimes I do get frustrated because I know that people tend to walk all over those who have a lot of patience and forgiveness. And many times I don't feel like having any forgiveness in me because of that.

I do try to stay positive in life though because I know when/if ever I let down and allow myself to be negative, it would be too easy to stay there. I don't want that. But sometimes it's just too hard. Sometimes I do just want to break and I want to be like fuck it all, I'm there for you, but who is there for me?! But for some reason, I just keep holding on; I keep floating on top of the water instead of drowning in the middle of misery. But it's hard.

Hm...maybe thats why my "mental happy place" is floating in the ocean in the middle of nowhere with the sun on my face and my body weightless...that is one of my most relaxing times...when I'm swimming a few hours in the ocean and I just flip over and relax in the water. My trainer/friend laughs at me because I literally float like a cork...and my brother can barely float...and yes, he's tried super hard. *laughs* I tell him all the time, you don't really try, you just do it...juss lay down and relax and you float...but when my brother does it, he falls, don't ask me how, he just does! *laughs* But no doubt, he is a fast swimmer.


I think that God blessed me with a personality that keeps going. He allowed me many "opportunities" to strengthen my patience and forgiveness...it's hard. But I also know He knows when it's been too much and He sends me people to help me...because everyday I'm struggling now...like I'm at my whit's ends...but I have this friend who is always there for me. I've known her since I was little, but we didn't get this close until a few months ago...and she truly is a God-sent.

I know that she herself is going through a really hard time, but she keeps going. I don't know how she does it, but she does. And because of her strength to not give up, it gives ME strength to not give up. She is a very strong girl...mentally, emotionally and...yes, she can beat you up if you fuck with her. *laughs* But most of all, she is a person that I would call a genuine friend. She tells you how it is, if she is mad at you or if some thing irritates her...and I like that, because many times people won't tell you up front like that.

These past two days have been tough, but knowing that I have at least one person out there in the world makes all the difference. Seriously, it does...so yeah, maybe all these people say I have a lot of patience, forgiveness...and they admire me for all the positiveness I ooze...and maybe they are right, *laughs* but knowing that someone out there cares if I hurt too, that I cry, that I have hard days and is truly there for me makes all the difference in the world. Because many times it is hard to always be the strong one, sometimes I need someone to lean on too.

Tomorrow WILL be a good day.

"To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world."
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