Monday, February 9, 2009

Yellow-Jello-Hello!


Good-morning world…wow, I know that I juss wrote a bloggie thingy thing-thing yesterday describing numerous, or not really that much events, but my goodness…I juss I’m juss in a sharing mood or something! *laughs*
So yeah, Jo slept over we ended up talking forever!  I did wake up early though to start on my homework. Girl-talk is good to have. I mean, I have to admit that talking with guys is also VERY good, in my opinion…especially with guys who tell you how it is, and not what you want to hear…that same goes for if I’m having a conversation with a girl…but then it was good talking to Jo again, and getting out in the open…about “the fight” and everything and what really went down and stuff.
As always, a common knowledge about me, is that I get restless REALLY easily and yep, that is what happened yesterday. Jo ended up sleeping in until really late in the day…and I ended up waking up and doing my homework, cleaning the house and talking with who ever walked past my door.
So one thing I dislike about humans is that they TEND to like to gossip. I mean it’s really annoying how people won’t really mind their own business. I think that there are a few guys that I would have dated, but then when I feel like I’m backed in a corner, I start to rebel in my own way. So now there are “things” and “rumors” going around about me and a certain guy. For crying out loud, I JUSS got out of a relationship that really shook my strength and left me on my knees asking God WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! So why would I get into a relationship so soon. And for crying out loud, this guy has been my “top” guy friend here for a long time so why is rumors going around now. He tells me to not let it phaze me…but I’m that kind of chica that I might not SHOW that it affects me, but it really does.
Another things about me is that I hate hurting people, and so if I get the feeling that I’m hurting someone then I juss do something so that it won’t hurt them anymore…it’s kinda hard to explain. But so like I said, yesterday while doing my homework, I was hella restless and so I would juss talk to anyone who walked past my place, or I’d get up and start cleaning some random place in my house…anyways, I have long suspected that one of my apartment people at my place likes me. I feel so conceited saying that…but there’s no other way to say it. I mean, you can juss kinda tell when someone likes you and stuff. Anyways, he comes up to me yesterday and goes, “I know that there is something between you and ******, but it’s okay, because at least I know now.” Or something like that, and I’m like WHAT?! What are you talking about?! And he is saying that people are talking about me and that other guy…how they see me always going to his place, and how they see him always going to my place and how they see me leave his place in the morning, and how we are always together, and they see us leave to go places together  and blah-blah-blah-la-la-la-la. Oh okay, so I see what it is now…it’s a culture thing. They automatically assume things if you are always with a guy…I guess here it’s hard for them to grasp the concept that it’s okay to have guys JUSS as friends. So, I’m alone at my place, I don’t usually stay at my place, if I’m at his place, and it’s already late, so I sleep over, why you gotta assume the worst is what I wanna know. What have I done for you to assume the worst (my goodness, it’s cold this morning!! *laughs*). And another thing, why pin-point it to one guy?! I hang out with enough guys, and I even hang out with a lot of girls! *rolls eyes* I guess that one saying goes here, “people who talk about you make you the center of their world.” But I don’t even want to the center of someone or anyone’s world…for crying out loud, I don’t even WANT attention. I juss want to live my life the way that I want to live my life. With no one trying to create some drama-la-la about it all. Go find someone else to talk about. *laughs* my life isn’t even that much interesting compared to some other’s but hm…who am I to talk. *laughs*
So now, I’m thinking…hanging out with this one guy hurts this other guy because he likes me, because why should it bother him in the first place. So now I’m stuck because I don’t to hurt him, but I like hanging out with this other guy. But what I don’t understand is this, I told this guy that I “suspect” likes me, that I don’t want a boyfriend. I want to stay away from that kind of relationship for the time being, for a long time and I juss want to have fun. So why is he making a big deal about me and the other guy who hang out a lot. Oh okay, so yeah, maybe jealousy is all I can think about…but what the heck, man. And yeah, maybe I’m analyzing things too deeply because I know that right now my defense mechanism is kicking in…but I don’t wanna hurt anyone…but what the heck…oh okay, I’m juss gonna think that there are other things to think about…because I don’t wanna become a hermit and juss stay in my house hiding from the world so that I won’t hurt anyone. Shit, man, why do I get hurt all the time. I care too much…but then that’s my fault now. *laughs* But goodness, I never mean to hurt anyone…serious.
So yesterday me and Achalu (oh bother! You know who I’m talking about now. *laughs*) went to finally get our massages. I had heard of these really good massages at Paseo, but for the life of us we couldn’t find it. We found this other place though and the people there were really nice. So, yeah, I know that I hang out with this guy a lot, but I’ve never really paid attention how we LOOK like when we are walking together. It’s not I’ve never hung out with taller guys before, but I remember at home I would wear shoes with heals of some sort…here, I juss wear flats. So, I’m straight up my 4’ 10 ½”, with no added height…it doesn’t bother me, but while we were looking for that one massage place that my friend told me about, we were walking past a lot of store reelections…and it was pretty funny. He makes me look super short. *laughs* and it super duper reminded me of my guy friends at home…I mean, we all know that Asians aren’t that tall (well most of them, at least Filipinos), so I never really felt as short as I do at home. (Not that I care that I’m so short. *laughs*) But Achalu is 6’2”…!We had to fill out these forms since we were new clients and stuff…and before I could fill out mine, he took my form and filled it out, turns out he knows me pretty well. *laughs* and he finally got my weight out of me! But then I filled his out, and ja! I know him at least the facts about him *laughs* pretty well. *laughs* oh my goodness…so we weren’t in the same room when we got our massages, but he was next door to me and we were talking with each other some while getting our massages and I was hella laughing at him because his person that was massaging him talks a lot. And she was saying that he reminds her of JESUS! His eyes, his hands, his LEGS! Oh my goodness, I was laughing. It was so obvious she was flirting with him. And I was also laughing because he barely fit on the massaging bed thingy. *laughs* It was a very humorous experience. The massage was okay, but it wasn’t great…it was okay lang. Then when we were finished, and we were going away on the motorbike, I was like “Achalu, look…!” And we saw the sign for the place that we were looking for…! The Thai massage place…and so we went up to check out the place, and it looked a lot better and the atmosphere looked better, the place SMELLED better and it juss looked really nice and stuff. So we were like, okay, next time this is where we are going! “Anything for Achalu” *laughs* (jejeje…I know, I shouldn’t have added that, since it’s an inside joke and no one knows…but I couldn’t resist. *laughs*)
Jo told me that I was disappointed because I was giving up so much for my school. My social life, staying home, uhm…”someone”, and everything like that…but yet, still it’s not enough because my teachers still give me so much grief. And she said that I need to get out more. I mean, I think that I realized that I need to concentrate on school so that was why I gave up most of my social life, but I’m not sure that many people realize how much of a sacrifice that really is, and how much that is going totally against my personality and stuff. I knew that I was feeling disappointed, but Jo put the word to it, because all I knew was that I was feeling down a lot and I was having trouble keeping the smile on my face when everything around me was falling apart.  I know that I’m in the process of healing my (already *laughs*) broken heart, but that was the last straw that almost made me crack and for a few days it did make me crack…I mean, everyone hurts bad when someone hurts them that way, I know, but I couldn’t even talk. Oh okay, I take that back, I could, but it was the first time that I could remember in a long time that I had to FORCE the words out of my mouth and stuff…which is one of the reasons why I went out last last weekend.
Sometimes I wonder, yeah, I have my goals, I have my dreams, I know what I want to do in life…so why am I here?! Why am I allowing myself to deviate from the path of doing what I want…and it all comes down to what Achalu said…people. I’m a person pleaser and my greatest fear is…jajaja…I don’t ‘think imma mention it…but basically I don’t wanna disappoint anyone, and I live my life for others…which isn’t always a bad things…it only gets bad when you have forgotten that we only have one life and we should accomplish what we want to do, and I think that I have forgotten that. So now I’m in the process of trying to figure out [again] what I’m going to do.
Life is way too hard to live, and I can’t even imagine someone even attempting to write a manual on how to live life “properly” because so many things can happen, man! But you know, even though life can get too hard to live sometimes, it’s an adventure, you never know what’s gonna happen, and how you handle what happens to you is what makes you, right?! I remember in the middle of my venting and frustrations, I was like, “Why can’t God juss come already and juss end all this headache this life is giving me!?” or something like that…and my friend was like, “But if He does come, would you be ready?”
I need to get my life back on track. I need God back in my life…I went to church last week [I really appreciated the speaker a lot]…and Achalu was like, “What made you want to go to church?!” And I said, “I want to be happy again.” And he said, “But you are always happy.” And I said, “really?” and he juss smiled because he knows me too well, and he knows what I was talking about. Maybe that’s why I’m stressing out in life, and why I am having a hard time handling situations that are too much to bare alone. I had a strong relationship with God back at home, where it was easy to have a good relationship with Him…and maybe that’s why I could smile all the time and not have a hard time juss being happy, it wasn’t a choice for me any longer, being happy, because it was juss a given…maybe I need that relationship back so that I can be like that again, and so I am trying.
Well, oh okay…I think I have now said enough…*laughs* here is me, talking-talking-talking. *laughs* I love you all and miss you all muchoness, as in!!
*Hugs and kisses*
“Mahirap makapagbreak sa mahal mo…at sabihing: “Friends na lang tayo!” pero, diba, mas mahirap kalimutan ang nakaraan lalo na pag siya parin ang patuloy na tanitbok ng puso mo!” (“It’s hard to break up with the one you love and say, “lets just be friends.” But, right? It’s even harder to forget the past when it’s still that person who still has your heart…” rough translation, I know! *laughs*)

[Transferred from my myspace blog]