Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Mad for nothing.

“The hardest challenge is to be yourself in a world where everyone is trying to make you be somebody else.” –E.E. Cummings

The world isn’t an easy place to be. Although I haven’t done any “research” to find out if that is true or not, I think that it’s safe to say that that is a fact rather than a theory. Nearly everything has a guide of some sort to get through, or a manual, or some kind of directions to help you, but life is something that you have to go through trial and error and you just have to keep trying and trying until you succeed. Once you give up, that’s it.

Yesterday someone committed suicide here in our school because rumors have said that he couldn’t take the fact that his “sweetheart” had broken up with him. Like I said, the world isn’t an easy place to be.

Being a psychology major, I thought that it would be just a little bit easier to understand what makes people tick, what makes people behave the way they do. According to ....Murray...., it’s needs that make you behave the way you to, According to Freud, it’s your unconsciousness and childhood past that makes you who you are. Karen Horney, safety and security. Adler, superiority…Maslow, hierarchy of needs. I can know all these facts, but in reality, I personally think that understanding a human being is a pretty complicated thing and it’s all on an individual basis.

When things are going your way, it’s so easy to “know” who you are, it’s easy to get through life, it’s easy to smile and laugh and it’s juss easy. But it’s when the going gets tough that makes you question everything. But it’s how you get through those tough times that tells you who you really are.

I guess for me, all my life I had it pretty easy. I have a personality that makes it easy for me to get along with people. I learned how to trust at a young age so I’m not [too] afraid to meet people and go new places. I am lucky to have friends who accept me for who I am. I grew up in a place that is so accepting and for the most part they don’t judge. At home it was so easy to be happy. At home it was so easy to find something to do to take out my pain, my anger, my hurt. At home it was so easy to just be who I thought it was. I loved to travel and I never had a problem.

Here, I’m so out of my comfort zone, and I don’t have all the “easy” things and people that I had at home. I literally had that chance to start all over again since no one knows who I am. They didn’t watch me grow up, they don’t know my past, they don’t know the kind of person that I am. But it’s kinda funny how although they don’t know that, I have such strong character traits that people view me that same as they do at home…but the hard part is that since they haven’t seen how I was at home and that I do hurt too, it’s harder to show my feelings. I have always had that problem, and I know that it’s a problem, but I don’t know how to go about to show my feelings
I’ve always had certain activities that I could do to release my negative emotions, but here I don’t, and it’s getting harder and harder to keep it all in. And I wonder, what is the real world?! Here in the ....Philippines.... or home in the States? Culture is so different here. So very different here.

In all honesty, when I went home last October, I had thought that when I got home, people would have thought that I have change so much, because here I am nothing like I am at home…but it’s not, from the second I saw my friends at the airport to pick me up, I was myself, the person I knew and was comfortable with. Being here in the ....Philippines...., although I have been here for a while, I’m having a lot of trouble trying to figure out who I am.

I never like confrontations or “going against the grain” type of thing…but like what I said in that quote…it’s so hard being myself when people are trying to make me into someone I’m not. I realize that I can be stubborn and I don’t want to change. I respect and honor the culture here, but I will NOT be corrupt, I will NOT be mean, I will not fall into blackmail or anything that they want me to do. The teachers here are something else…I know that they are trying to break me because I have no idea…but I also know that it irritates them that they can’t see that they are nearly breaking me…I guess it’s a “blessing and curse” that I can always laugh and smile no matter how I’m feeling inside. Because the harder my teachers give me so much beef, the more frustrated they become that I can still smile. I know that it sounds weird and odd, but it’s how it is…and I know that I tend to exaggerate juss a little at times, but I know that I’m not this time because people also tell me that.

They yell at me, they put me down, they criticize me with no encouragement, they name call me, they tell me that I’m not “fit to be a psychologist”…all in front of my classmates and friends, but yet, I can juss stand there and look at them and show no emotion. Then turn around and start joking around with my friends and classmates as if their words don’t hurt me. And I think that is what frustrates them, because they think that I don’t care, but I do, because when there is no one left to joke around with and I am at home doing my homework, I do it with everything that I am. I take their words and pour it out on my work…I go jogging every night so that I’m so tired that I can’t feel any anger energy anymore…I do everything I can so that I can get through with it all.

I have people to talk to, ya…but I’m being selfish because they also have problems of their own, and I’m not one to impose and stuff. *laughs* it’s times like this where I know that I can’t be a psychologist counselor, because people’s problems become my own and I really feel what they are going through and it hurts me when people hurt and I will do my best to help them out in their problem, even if it’s just being there for them and being strong for them…but what they don’t know is that I’m breaking inside and I need someone to be strong for me. But no, I can’t be dependent, because when I fall, I’m the only who can pick myself up, and I can’t rely on people to do that for me, you know.

When I was younger, one of the main advise that “older” people would give me was to enjoy my “young life” because it doesn’t get easier, it doesn’t get harder, it juss gets different and you know more pain and stuff…one thing that you can never get back is time. My care-free days are now over, and living out in the real world is eye-opening, that’s for sure.

Some advise that I have learned this past year, and actually learned it the hard way: everything happens for a reason, someone has it worst than you, never trust anyone with no exceptions, people will use you if they can get away with it, life is anything but a fairytale, trust is a given in a relationship but expect everything, everything is not what it seems, people will lie [or keep information from you] to save their own ass, you choose to keep going or to give up.

*hugs and kisses*

“Always be happy and always wear a smile, not because life is full of reasons to smile but because your smile is a reason for others to be happy.” [Thanks Achalu, sometimes I need that reminder!]

[Transferred from my myspace blog]