Sunday, February 1, 2009

Just let life go its own course


I’ve tried everything that I can possibly think of, within my morals though, to forget. But nothing has worked. So I realized this, I have to juss let life go it’s own course. I can’t hurry life, I can’t slow down life…I juss have to let it take it’s own course. I can do things to make life SEEM like it goes faster, but at the ends of the day, no matter how much fun I’ve had, no matter how much I work out and run until I am so physically exhausted, no matter how much I study and concentrate on my school work so that I am mentally drained, no matter how much I try…at the end of the day, I’m still left by myself with my thoughts and emotions and feelings and what’s left of what’s inside of me. I thought that this time it would be easier than it was the other times I had to go through this, but each situation is different. And I thought that this time at least I would know what to expect, and I know how to get over it…but all that gives me comfort is that one day, one unknown day, it’s not going to hurt as much and I won’t think about it all the time. I know that and so that helps because right now, I’m juss living towards that day, and so as each day that crawls by I’m so thankful to God that I survived and I didn’t have a emotional breakdown.
It’s funny how life works. It’s an adventure, and I so can’t complain that I didn’t have my share of them. Ups and downs, its all a part of life. I love having conversations with my neighbor because it’s juss so eye-opening and stuff…juss a few minutes ago he goes, “I know you, well, I know ½ of you. *laughs* you can’t hide anything from me. You smile, yet I know inside your not. Life sucks…but you still smile. You never complain or have trouble with life, you juss have problem with people.” *laughs* so that made me laugh because me?! Have problem with people?! Then he went on to explain…and it totally made sense…my “problem” with people is that I care too much that I do unnecessary too much caring and I sacrifice myself for their happiness…but here’s my point…it makes me happy to know that people are happy. It makes me happy to know that I made someone happy. It hurts me if I hurt anyone…it would kill me if I was mean to someone or something on purpose, but it still also hurts me if I unintentionally hurt someone. So how I see it is this…I’m nice to people because I want too. Does that make any sense? Yeah, I’ll get hurt along the way because of it, but then it would hurt me even more to know that I robbed someone of happiness.
Sometimes I wonder if I had less of a conscious, what I would be like. *laughs* I think I empathize to much…I live by that golden rule I guess.. “Do unto others as you would like done to you.” I hate it when people are mean to me, so I don’t be mean. Juss like that…oh but (let me hold that thought, Achalu wants to go work out right now…and I should since Imma be gone later tonight and I’m not going to come back in time for the gym, and I don’t wanna jog super late…so Imma go now…I’ll finish this later)
Wow, so it’s 3.06pm now…that’s a record or working out and cardio exercise! *laughs* At least for me, no wait, I take that back…*laughs* Well, I actually forgot what my “thought” was, and so if it comes to me, I’ll let you know…but yeah.
So yeah, these past days were pretty fun. It was filled with a lot of hm… “mishaps” but for the most part I had fun. I haven’t been out with friends like that in a long time, and even though I thought I was over that stuff and stuff…it ended up being good for me, for a moment, I actually didn’t forget my pain, but it didn’t hurt that much for a bit. It’s been almost a month already, so I would have guessed that the pain would have deaden juss a little, but then, I shouldn’t have expected that because, I know me and it takes forever…literally to heal. But I’m really trying to hurry up the process.
OH! I can’t forget this… “Rabbit, Rabbit!” jejeje…I super duper need more “luck” in life. Oh maybe I juss need to start praying more. And I said that full of seriousness…because I have this friend who is going through something similar as I am…and she did say that talking to God about her hurt helps…and for someone who likes to talk a lot and stuff…I’m finding it hard to talk to God. It’s sad, but I guess I need to learn fast…but wow…yeah.
I can’t believe that it’s already the second month of this year. Sometimes it seems as if life is going so fast, and then other times, it’s way too slow. I guess when I look at the bigger picture, life goes by fast…but one day at a time…one hour at a time…one minute, one second…it’s goes too slow. Not many people really know what I’m going through…and for some reason at this time a lot of people are going through a lot of relationship problems and stuff…and for some odd reason, they come to me…and they always ask me…why does time seem to go really slow when you are heartbroken…I wish I can answer that question for them, because I would like to know the answer as well. But you know, even though they don’t know what I’m going through, it does help me because at least I know that I’m not alone…and even though I do know that…it helps to know that to someone I’m still some comfort and stuff…if someone needs to vent out their pain, at least I can be there for them. And now it’s February…and I know that it’s going to be hard for a lot of people when the dreaded “love day” comes around. At least for me, I didn’t really expect too much since I always seem to be in the same situation when that day comes around. One day, my time will come…
I’m not gonna lie, but it’s getting harder and harder keeping the smile on my face, and it’s getting harder and harder trying to stay optimistic…but I know that I can do it. The day that I can’t smile any more, the day I can’t laugh anymore, is the day I have lost…and I refuse to give up on life. Because one day I’ll understand it all. 

It’s hard though, because I hate not knowing…but that’s life, right? You never know what’s going to happen in the next second. A single word, second, look, anything can change the future and make anything happen. So, I know that I’m never going to know everything…but sometimes I wish I knew why things happen. There’s a lot of questions that I have that I wish I could have the answers…but for some reason, I don’t think that I’ll ever know the answers…
Why?! Why didn’t he juss tell me? Why do I have to have such a big conscious? Why do I feel so restless? Why do I feel like I always have to be on the move? Why am I such a talk-a-tive person, but I have such a hard time talking about my feelings? Why are there goodbyes that last forever?
While I was working out, there was this lil baby that was there…and she was making me smile…I was (trying to *laughs*) make beats and stuff…and she was dancing…it was cute…and I was first on the stationary bike, and she kept wanting me to carry her…and so I put her on my lap…but I felt bad because I was all sweaty, but the mom was like its okay…and she turned herself around so that she was facing me and she would juss hold my (sweaty!) face in her hands juss look at me making baby sounds…she is 1 year old…and she is so cute…I would put her down, but she would always put her hands up so that I can pick her up. She is so cute…and when her mom brought her back inside, she blew me a kiss…she’s a cute one. I want one...naw make that five. *laughs* 

So this past weekend…after we came back to the condo, I took a shower…and for the first time in a long time it was a warm shower, it felt so good…and my friend told me that she wanted me to use this one conditioner in my hair…and I was like I didn’t want to use conditioner, because being in the Philippines already makes my hair really silky and I didn’t want it to be extra silky…but she was like I should juss try it, and oh my goodness…I LOVE how it makes my hair feel and I would totally recommend it to anyone and everyone to try it! It’s this conditioner that they would use on horse hair…yeah the ANIMAL! But no joke, man! It made my hair super soft and silky…I will never again say that my hair is naturally soft and silky…because compared to what it was before I used the conditioner it’s WOW soft and WOW silky. I remember my mom would use it at home, but I was like, are you f’realz!? Yeah, I have learned that my mom does know best. *laughs* I need to find out what it’s called and if you wanna know, I’ll let you know…but Imma go to the store and get me some…it really makes my hair feel nice. Yeah, I don’t think Imma cut my hair in a long time…it’s getting longer now…but yeah, I think I like long hair better…at least my hair grows fast…I remember my sister use to have hair like me…and she cut her hair super short and now it’s wavy…pretty still, but not as straight as mine…but yeah…what if that happened to me!? I use to always perm my hair though. *laughs* and you thought I NEVER would put chemicals in my hair! *laughs*
Well, I took hella pictures this past weekend…juss sucks that they weren’t on my camera…so I’ll get the pictures and post them up when I get them from everyone…I’ve been trying to stay busy and have fun. But yeah…but for now, I need to go and juss yeah…do something. I don’t wanna be sitting here typing anymore…Love you all muchoness!!
*hugs*
Somebody once told me: “Be strong, remember, not everything has a happy ending and endings don’t mean stop…it’s juss a way of telling us that there’s a new beginning ahead of us. You should always be ready for the unpredictable and expect the unexpected…it’s easy to fall, hard to get up…but once you’re up and back on track, you will be a better person. That’s the way of life. You don’t juss live in it…you learn from it.”