So on my goodness, I’m still surviving, it’s been a more than a month now since I found out. Joanna is sleeping still, she slept over and we were suppose to wake up at 5.30am to go jogging and then work-out at 6.am…but that would be a problem if we went TO SLEEP at 5.30am. *laughs* I guess it’s one of those times where you don’t expect to have a heart to heart talk and it gets deep and we talk about everything. Wow…it’s been such a long time since I’ve done that…and it’s been a long time since I’ve done a lot of things that make me realize that I really want to go home.
Let me see, I’ve had a pretty good, spiritually uplifting week. I don’t even know where to start! *laughs* Well, Imma juss do what I do best and juss start talking and whatever I feel like talking about, Imma juss write it out, if I miss something, then oh well, maybe it wasn’t meant to be written. *laughs*
This week was week of prayer. And I will be honest as anything here, I usually hate week of prayers because everything is messed up. The schedule and I hate being forced to go to church. Most times the speakers seem like the talk is scripted anyways, and I don’t usually get anything much out of the sermon and stuff. It’s hot and I have to sit still through something that I’m forced to go through and it juss makes me roll my eyes and stuff…but you know, I’m glad that it week of prayer came at this time, because at this time in life my goodness…something is going on with me emotionally. Many times in the past weeks I thought God was playing “Job” with me, and juss allowing Satan fuck with me juss to see if he can get me to break and every time I would try to brush it off the hardship like I would before because, right? “As long as I can smile and laugh, then I’m going to be okay?!” It was getting harder and harder to smile and it was getting harder and harder to find that positive thing in life. And I felt I was juss running on autopilot being the happy, smily, bubbly girl that everyone knew…and yeah, I admit, that is me, but this time, I felt like I was being someone trapped inside this outer being of happiness. It’s kinda hard to explain.
And for awhile, I was like trying to reach out to God, because they say that the best person to reach out to when you feel like that is God, right?! Well, I was trying, but I was juss getting this empty space that was a brick wall. Litterally…I would try, but I wouldn’t get that feeling that someone was listening. I had a habit of going outside to look at the stars and I would search and try find the big dipper because a long lost “best” friend once told me that if ever I felt alone in the world, look for the big dipper and juss know that he was looking at that same set of stars thinking of me. And whenever I would get all lonely and only I would look at the big dipper constellation, and even though that was years ago that he told me that, I would remember what he told me, but in all honesty, I can’t even find the big dipper here…and I would get all sad because not even the stars would be there for me, and there are millions of stars…
The speakers name was Pastor Eugene Dela Pena. And I really liked him because he told his experience. I don’t remember exact detail, but basically when he was still and elementary child, he was locked up 20 times already. He did drugs, he did everything that you can possibly think of…like I can’t give him his justice on his past, but basically, he was in the notorious gang here in the Philippines and everything, but one time while he was locked up when he was older and stuff, he heard about Christ and his life turned around and now his ministry is his life story and how he was a drug addict, an alcoholic, womanizer and everything…but because people were praying for him and stuff…his life is turned around. You know I wanted to go to every one of those chapels because I wanted to hear more about his life, I went to church juss to hear him speak, I even went to church at 3 and stayed until 6.30pm just so that I can hear all his words, it was really powerful. And I loved it.
On Thursday my teacher wanted to do an all-nighter class, and even though I was upset about that, I tried to juss brush my anger off and juss let it happen and not complain…but then they switched it and let the over-nighter be on a weekend…February 14-February 15! What is that…oh okay, we all know that I hate that dreaded “Love Day…” But I mean, it was a weekend that I could have spent with my friends and stuff…and I’m like saying that if the teachers don’t have a life, why did they have to take ours! Anyways, we had this weekend to be free, and its literally my last weekend free…and here is the thing though, it was raining on Friday, and I was suppose to go hang out with Joannamarie. And I was like telling her that I didn’t want to go out anymore because I wasn’t bothered to walk out in the rain and get all wet and stuff…but she was all like “No, Che we’re going out…full stop.” *laughs* don’t you juss LOVE her “British lingo”!?! *laughs* yeah, at first it’s a little confusing and stuff, but in general, it’s pretty straight forward. *laughs* And I was juss standing outside in my balcony watching the rain pour down. I don’t have any proper jackets or coats or anything here…and so I was like, hm…I juss gotta suck it up. Anyways, long story short…I eventually walked in the rain to Jo’s place and when I got there, I was juss wearing jeans and sweater, I didn’t even wear anything under the sweater because yeah, I wasn’t planning to do really anything…but she was like, “Che, we’re gonna go out and take pictures!” And I was like, what?! She was dolled up hella cute and stuff…and I was like, what is this, man?! Anyways, I ended up dressing up all cute and stuff too…and it was hella fun actually. I remember I use to do that at home with Gayle and I really miss it. (Remember, Leah-girl, that one “photo shoot”?! *laughs*) and we were all dressed and cute and stuff…and then we had to make our way to the gate to get off campus, that was funny…because it was raining and stuff…oh man, I’m not much bothered to get into details, but basically we got drenched in the rain, but we still had a lot of fun because we kept laughing. We did end up taking pictures, but I’m too shy to put them up because first of, (Leah-girl, this one is for you) I was wear a purple dress! *laughs* yeah, when have I ever worn anything that color…?! *laughs* it was okay…it was cute. *laughs* and also because we took HELLA pictures…against a WHITE background, but when we got the pictures after an hour…why was there really cheesy backgrounds?! I mean, really REALLY cheesy backgrounds?! Like “with love, flowers…” Type of girly-girlie thingy thingy-thing blah-blahs! I mean the pictures were cute, but the background killed it and made us look like tini-boppers or something.
Oh my goodness, and the guy who was taking our pictures was a little too flirty, touchy-feely for me! He kept brushing my hair back and was like “I want to see your cute face.” I’m like get offa me! He kept trying to hold my hand and like juss he was weird and WAY to forward! He was all to Jo, “Can I touch your legs?!” What the hell?! And then he kept putting us in weird posses…you can obviously see what HIS fetish was! And he was like, “I want to marry one of you.” Fuck that! And I told him that I was 14 and that Jo was 12 years old, and he was like saying that that’s okay…what the fuck, man! It was weird…and it was uncomfortable…I was like telling Jo, that she needs to bring her “boylet” there and take pictures and I’ll bring some guy to take pictures with me there, and he can get put in his place or something…he’s weird, man! I can’t even explain it!
Saturday, I actually got my ass up to go to church since I really liked Pastor Eugene and stuff…I was really blessed by him, no joke. But the whole day I was hella restless, and I was wanting to get a group of us to go out to eat and stuff…Oh my goodness…so like we had to sit in the balcony (hella hot, man!) a Eddie was like, don’t panic, but look up…so we were up there in the balcony yeah, and we have like these hanging lights or something, and hanging from one of the lights near me was one of those humungous spiders on steroids…oh my goodness, so like I couldn’t barely pay attention to the sermon for a time because I knew in 3 seconds flat that big ass spider could land on me and eat me whole! And Eddie was hella laughing…I swear it was like those Halloween decorations with those huge spiders on cobwebs and stuff. But anwyays, I missed my brother a lot and so I texted him that I missed him and that was sitting in church where a hella humongo spider was hanging over my head and it freaked me out. Yeah, I know you’re prolly like, why didn’t you move…I’m swear when I said the church was hella full and there was NO WHERE to move. It’s like a sea of people and that’s not easy to move around. But yeah…
Jo slept over last night and we didn’t go to sleep until really late/early, and we talked about a lot of stuff. Yeah, I do tell Achalu a lot of stuff and I’m glad that I have him in my life (as a friend! So PLEASE no assuming, I hate when people do that…) But then it was good to have a girl to talk to, because yeah, I love the conversations that I have with Achalu because he has the guy point of view…(which I think it’s good to know…! He could be lying to me, but he wouldn’t say something like he did if he was…) and we disagree in a lot of stuff…but then it was good to have a girl to talk to. I miss Jynny and Joynessless a lot. Yep, I do.
Anyways, I best go now. I love you and miss you all a lot.
*hugs and kisses*
“Being a quitter doesn’t mean you are a loser….Every time you quite it doesn’t mean your giving up, it only means that you have to let go of what you think is UNFAIR.”