Wednesday, January 21, 2009

The One I Gave My Heart To

Good-morning everyone…I can’t believe that today is actually Wednesday…at times it seems that time is going so slow and other times it’s going pretty fast…it’s funny how life can do that to time. Like, you know how they say to forget something, you have to keep busy…well, I have been keeping more busy…and so yeah, that is passing the time…but night times are the hardest…when there is nothing to do but to think and wonder “what if” questions…do you know what I’m saying?
Yesterday started pretty early for me, and I was talking with my friend and he was telling me one of the worst things in the world is going to sleep because for some reason you want the unconscious feeling so that you would forget juss for a moment your “negative emotions” even though you know in the morning when you wake up, it’s going to be there, but for that short bit of time, at least you are oblivious to your pain or whatever you go through and then when you wake up, you feel a lot better and you feel in a good mood, maybe your dream was a good dream, maybe since you were “knocked out” for some time, you juss forgot consciously for that moment all those “negative emotions” when you first woke up…and then it hits you hard that feeling you so wanted to forget…yeah, that feeling really sucks…I guess you juss have to take deep breaths and psych yourself that you can do it, you can get through the day. Yeah, yesterday was that for me…and the days before that…and today.
I’m thinking that I’m on the border like of losing it. *laughs* my neighbor was telling me that I get “mad” more easily now…I might now show it, but I guess he can tell…I remember I use to get upset because people juss assume that I was “mad” when I juss didn’t feel like talking or singing or something…because I’m usually doing one of those stuff…and then it would irritate me because people would say that I was giving attitude…what?! Because I wasn’t talking or something?! And then I would think, my brother could go all day without saying a single word…or a week with only like 10 words or something, and no one would think twice about his silence…so why was it different from me. But I guess I can see now…
But at home, I would rarely get mad…I would get passionate about certain things….negatively…*laughs* but I wouldn’t be mad per say…more like…hm…how do you say this…like I know that I have the personality that juss naturally looks for the good in things and not really outwardly dwell on the negative, unless it’s really, really bad. (oh! It’s so cute! I think my Buba (my Tubbykins) has hiccups! I didn’t know kitties can have hiccups!) But for the most part, I was a pretty positive, optimistic chica…then I come here, and now wow, I don’t know what’s going on! *laughs*
So I was asking my friend, did he change when he gets here…(he’s from Ethiopia)…like if I met him in his country, would I be meeting the same person that I was meeting now…and he was like saying that he was different when he was at home. We always tell each other that we don’t tell each other everything, and he was telling me that he does things that he isn’t ashamed of, but things that he hopes that I never find out and stuff…and I respect that, we all have our private lives and stuff…and I tell him that there are things in my life that no one knows about. But he was telling me that I had that thing about me that makes him be more protective around me (*rolls eyes* I guess that’s a good thing…but I wish I knew what that “thing” was, because juss because *laughs*) and so yeah…he’s a lot different at home…and I told him the same thing. He is actually one of the few guys that can see through my smiles, and he gets mad at me if he knows I’m upset about something and I’m “acting” like it’s all good—
Juss to clarify things, if things are going shit around me, I choose to be in a good mood because I don’t like to dwell on the bad…so I’m not “acting” I’m real.
Moving on to other things now…*laughs* So, yesterday started really early for me, and then more “drama” with my psychology teachers, which I won’t get into, so that was until…basically I knew that I needed to juss not deal with that for the moment…and so my friend told me that I juss needed to forget it for the day since nothing can happen with that…so I came home, and I saw my cousins…and it sucks for him because he has class from 6.30am until with one 1hour break from…and I saw him then, and so I went over to his place and he gave me histheadoboboys (oh by the way, if anyone was wondering, yes someone hacked into their website page thingy, and yes they deleted all their video’s and yes there is nothing left there…but don’t worry, my cousin said that when he has time, he’ll fix up another one.) movies and I grabbed his football, because I really wanted to juss throw the ball around…juss because. But I knew that he couldn’t play with me since I knew that he was tired and he wanted to eat and take a nap before he had to go back to class…so I live around a lot of guys…and it’s not that hard to learn…so yeah, I played 3 flies up with the boys in my apartment complex…obviously I’m short and so I never really got the ball, but it was all good, I still had fun and afterwards the guys took turns juss playing catch with me. *laughs*
Then when my arm started to get too sore and my hand hurt…come on! It was a guys football! And my hand is small! *laughs*…oh goodness, I was so scared that one of the boys were going to break their fingers! *laughs* or at least sprain them…!...I cleaned my apartment out, sorta. *laugsh* and then I watched movies that Eddie gave me. Then when hit, Achalu and I went to the school gym to sign in for the attendance (yeah, we have to sign for attendance for sports game *rolls eyes* only says that the even is so boring that they make it a requirement!)…we were only planning to go sign our name and stuff…but I get there, and I saw a lot of people I knew and I ended up talking and meeting up with a lot of them, because every time me and Achalu tried to go back to our apartments, someone would text me or yell at me to stay for a second. I ended up going back to my apartment, and then have to come back to the gym…Achalu came with me since it was dark by then.
Anyways…supposedly my teachers see me as a “bad student” and an “irresponsible” student now since my teachers are hating on me for something they won’t tell me for, and I have a hard time saying sorry for something I don’t know what I’m suppose to say sorry for. I even confronted them and asked my teachers what was up and why their attitude has changed towards me…and they said, nothing…uhm…I’m not stupid, I can tell if someone is hating on me! My teachers are making me go through this behavioral modification therapy…because supposedly I procrastinate, don’t exercise, don’t eat healthy, I’m irresponsible, basically a “bad” student and person as a whole or something like that. But it’s really funny though, because the chica who has to give me the therapy is having trouble because she has interviewed my classmates and friends…and they have all said that I don’t procrastinate, in fact I turn in my stuff either on time or even early. And the chica sees me go jogging every night, and when she was interviewing me yesterday, Achalu was with me, and when she asked me what other stuff I do to exercise and he was like telling her that I work-out with him and our other friend nearly every night since last year. Other interviews that she had with other people was that as a leader, a friend, a student their perception is that I’m responsible and stuff…my landlady says I’m responsible with how I live and with my payments…but I do admit that I don’t eat the healthiest…I don’t eat when I’m stressed or sad or mad…or something like that…I guess that’s the way you can tell I’m upset since I don’t show it. So I give her that, I’m not eating healthy. So now I’m wondering why I was referred for behavior modification…I’m not perfect, I’m far from perfect…I wouldn’t mind if I was going through behavior modification for the way I express my “negative” feelings, since I juss keep them in…I know it’s not healthy, I don’t know what else to do with it, or something like how to NOT say “yes” all the time…well most times…oh okay, all the time. *laughs* Well, I juss thought it was funny…the interview was informal, since it was done in the gym…and I knew hella people…and I was pretty hyper and restless…and even the chica who was interviewing me was juss telling me to write down my answers instead of saying them out loud…so while I was writing she was talking with her friends, and Achalu was with me so I was talking with him…and it was more like, how much does he know about me, so with the questions I would ask him what my answers would be. *laughs* And for some reason my friends would come up to me to tickle me…to make me scream or something …*shrugs shoulders* it was really informal, so yeah…
Then Achalu asked me to go with him to the African Week of Prayer…I didn’t really want to go, I stopped going to church, something that I do miss doing…but I hate being judged and I hate being stared at…and so I don’t go to the church here…but he was telling me that it was different because this is the African Church and stuff…I’ve gone to the African church before and they are more like my style of worship and stuff…but I didn’t want to go, but he pointed out that I would juss be staying in my apartment by myself, and he knew that I didn’t want to do that. So I said that I would go with him. But we went back to our apartments first because he wanted to drink coffee first…it was dark…the stars were out, but the moon wasn’t visible. So I didn’t want to go the shortcut way because it was already really dark and the shortcut way the grass is high (way taller than me) and it’s scary at night, but it was the super short cut way, and Achalu was there, so we were walking there using our cell phones for night…he was talking so that I wouldn’t pay attention to how dark it was and I was juss concentrating on the ground where our cellphone lights were shining…when all of a sudden this guy in black came towards us and I hella froze and yeah…I think I scared the poor guy even more. *laughs* And that guy told me to “not drink coffee” and I was like “what?!?” After the moment it was funny. *laughs* but anyways, we got to our apartment, he went into his apartment, but I juss stayed out in our balcony and looked for shooting stars because I knew that if I went in to my apartment, then I wouldn’t feel like going to his week of prayer anymore…he brought out coffee and we drank it…and then we went to his Week of Prayer…
I actually really liked it a lot. I miss that spiritual high that I would get when I was at home. I knew some other African’s there, and so it was good to see them…the talk was about grabbing that golden opportunity when it comes because it might be the only chance you got. It was good. And I loved the music. I’m glad that I went.
Well, I got things to do today, so I better go now. Oh yeah, I saw my friend today for the first time since last year…she had visited the States (after being here for nearly 10 years!)…and she saw my family…and she was catching me up with them…and she was telling me that she spent time with my “Baby-love” and I really miss that girl a lot. Goodness I miss that baby girl a lot…*laughs* yeah, she isn’t a baby anymore…but she will always be Baby Girl to me. I miss my family more than anything…*nostalgic feelings*

Well, I love you all a lot and I miss you when I don’t see you…
*hugs and kisses*
“How could the one I gave my heart too break my heart so bad, how could the one who made me happy make me feel so sad, won’t somebody tell me, so I can understand, if you love me, how could you hurt this heart of mine, tell me. How could you be so cold to me when I’ve you gave everything, all my love, all I had inside…how could you juss walk out the door, how could you not love me anymore…I thought we had forever, I can’t understand…how could the one I shared my dreams with take my dream from me, how could the love that brought such pleasure, bring such misery…” The One I Gave My Heart Too—Aaliyah (awww…I miss her singing.)