Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Everything You Want.


So here I am, sitting in front of my laptop juss thinking. Many years ago around this same time…wow, you know what?! It’s always around this time for me…*laughs* I should juss hibernate during this time of the year…I was in the same position as I was then.
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So yesterday I had this conversation with my neighbor. We were looking at the moon…and I juss started singing all these songs that had to do with “moon” in it…[yeah, so the moon was extremely beautiful!] (and I remember, I did the same thing with another guy! After one guy hurt me, I sang a “concert” for my best guy friend…out in the rain, juss to vent..lol! yep, “where words fail, music speaks”) anyways, I started singing a lot…and then I got to this one song that I really like, “When you’re feeling lost in the night, when you feel your world juss ain’t right, count on me, I will be waiting, count on me, I will be there…I will cross the ocean for you, I will go and bring you the moon, I will be your hero, your strength…” and so on…and then he told me that he didn’t like that song, because if you think about it, it’s so unrealistic.
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We have had many conversations likes this in the past. I use to believe in “fairytale” love…and he told me that I’m juss going to get hurt if I believe in that kind of love…but I would always argue with him…how I wouldn’t get in a relationship if I didn’t believe that it could last “forever” [“never say forever, because forever makes me cry”]…or at least long term and stuff…you know what I mean, and he would tell me that my “innocentness” is blinding me, because reality check, chica! There’s not such thing as that. And I would always joke and say, “See, that’s another reason why I could never date you!” But you know, I actually like having deep conversations like that…because if you’re open-minded, you can have conversations like that, and still be friends and stuff. Because now I can totally see where he is coming from.
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Like we were talking about things in a relationship…and we both agreed that you can’t expect to have trust in a relationship, it’s a given…it’s juss there, and that’s that. Suppose to be no question about it or anything. But then he goes on to say, but you DO expect the unexpected. And so I was telling him, but you can’t do that…! You can’t expect that someone is going to be disloyal to you, because if you do, then that means there is no trust…and I was saying that, if he only knew me, if I thought my guy was cheating on me or something, then I would be that annoying girlfriend who is always calling to ask where my guy is at, what he is doing…juss always nagging and being a bother [yeah, I know I need to work on my jealousy issues!]…and for me, I know that I wouldn’t like that kind of boyfriend, so I wouldn’t want to be that kind of girlfriend, and so I don’t expect that…and mandope…we argued about it a lot.
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His kind of personality is try everything once…and life is life…and juss live the way you want it too be, and no one can make you feel anything you don’t want to feel. So he was like, if someone hurts you, you choose to allow that person to hurt you…if someone makes you laugh, you choose to allow that person to make you laugh…so basically it’s all on you. That’s how he thinks…and thinking about it now, I agree. I mean, it’s only you who can make you sad. You choose to let others affect you and stuff. He also tells me that I’m too forgiving, to nice and I have to learn how to show my feelings, instead of always smiling all the time…oh okay, first off, I don’t smile ALL the time, but I smile at everyone I meet, and I juss smile…I’m a smiley person, I’m not gonna mug no one for no reason! And trust me, I have…*laughs* Especially if it’s some girl who’s giving me attitude for no reason…*laughs* Oh okay, that’s mean, but yeah…moving on…*laughs*
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He also tells me that there is a reason for first impressions. Like, we all know that I hate judging a person…I hate to be judged, so I try my best not to judge [If you judge all the time, then you have no time to love.]…and he said that first impressions are there so that you can know how to act around the person next time. And in that, I agree with him. But I don’t think badly about a person…like he told me that he can look at a person and know if he could get along with them…but I think that’s wrong. Because, oh okay, for example…me. My friendliness is mistaken for flirtiness or “trying-too-hard”….but then, when the person actually gets to know me better, they will see that I have a hard time being mean, and I act the same way with guys and girls, meaning, I’m not a flirt, because [nothing against anything!] I don’t flirt with girls…and for the most part I don’t flirt in general. So obviously, that first impression is wrong if you juss take what you see from me the first time. And there are many people that I have met, where I didn’t think that I would get along, but juss getting to know them better…I’ve made a lot of good friends.
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I remember when I first “met” Jyn…my cousin’s girlfriend for four years…the first time I met her was after church one time… and my cousin introduced us, and then she hella looked me up and down and turned her back on me, we were in a big group thingy-thing thing…and I was like what was that?! So for a long time, whenever we walked past each other we would be “busy” so we didn’t have to make eye contact or we would pretend we didn’t see each other…and I juss thought she didn’t like me, and so I was like I’ll juss be me, and whatever. Then one day, we had open house in our dorms…and this was the first year I was here, and things were really, really hard for me…because I missed home like whoa…and even though I think that I’m pretty adaptable in most places…I was surrounded by fake people…my boyfriend at the time was far away and one of my best guy friend…yeah, I needed him too, but I was across the world from them both…all my room mates juss left me alone in the room to entertain people that I wasn’t in the mood to meet, but it was open house and so yeah…afterwards, I remember I “locked” the door, and I was looking at pictures from home…and I was remembering what happened at open house when I was going to college at home *laughs* (if only you knew!!) *laughs*. And I got super homesick and yeah, I started to cry. Then all of a sudden Jyn was in my room, and I was like “what the hell are you doing here?!” ended up my cousin needed me, and since open house was already over, he couldn’t come upstairs to my room [rolls eyes…I hate that rule of no guys in the room!]…so he asked her to get me, and she saw me crying…and then she asked me what was up…and I hate when people see me cry and I remember thinking that I didn’t want to tell her…but I juss handed her my pictures from home and started telling her about all of my friends and the things that I use to do…and then she started crying, because she was telling me how she gets homesick too [she is from Thailand]…and then we ended up stayed and talking and painting our nails for a long time, and for some reason I didn’t have phone signal in my room, so my cousin couldn’t get a hold of either of us…and by the time we realized that we had forgotten about him…it was already late! *laughs* he was still waiting downstairs…but ever since then, Jyn has been one of my closest friends ever…and we share everything and I love her lots and lots! See...those first impressions were NOT good for either of us…but I’m super glad that I got to know Jyn…or that Jyn saw me at a vulnerable state or something…because we’re super close now. *laughs*  [Oh and to clear things up…that first meeting…[long story, short] it was a misunderstanding].
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Oh, here is another conversation that I had with Achalu…well, it was some through text…so here it goes…first he sent me this text:
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Achalu [text]: A sad story: there was a guy who was tired of reading his girlfriend’s messages. They were always, “I love you” “I miss you” “Have you eaten already?” One night he received a message from his girlfriend, but he did not open it, instead he went to sleep. In the morning he was awakened by a call from his girlfriend’s mom, she was crying while telling him that his girlfriend was raped and was killed that night when she texted him. He remembered the message; he read it, and the message was, “Baby, please come here and help me. Someone is following me!”
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Me [text]: Oh wow, that broke my already broken heart! That only continues to prove that I can’t trust guys and how I can never rely on them…ever! Oh okay…maybe only you. J
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Achalu [text]: You know that I always tell you that you can’t totally trust anyone. Thanks for the exception. J
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(Then when we met up in person…)
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But in general, we were argueing…er…talking…*laughs*…how there can’t be any exception to trust…you juss can’t trust anyone…because eventually they were going to do something to hurt you…whether they mean it or not.
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OopsSies..! I gosta go now…! Well, juss a bit of my rambles and stuff…! *laughs* I miss you all and love you all muchoness!!
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*hugs and kisses*
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“He’s everything you want, he’s everything you need, he’s everything inside of you that you wish you could be. He says all the right things at exactly the right time, but he means nothing to you, and you don’t know why…”Everything You Want Vertical Horizon

[Transferred from my myspace blog]