Monday, August 25, 2008

Starting over.

At any point in your life, have you ever wished that you could start all over? I mean, juss start all over…? Maybe knowing some of the stuff that you know now…but you just want to start all over. Sometimes I wish that there was a manual in life so that when you hit a rough spot, you can know how to handle it, and you don't have to go through trial-and-error or heartbreak to figure out what you have to do to pull through. Then there are other times where I wish that I had a remote control that I can use in my life. You know that whole pause, rewind, fast-forward, slow-play, play type of dealio…wouldn't life be SO much easier like that. When things seem to be piling up on you and you just wanna take a break—pause. Then when you think that you have enough break time—play. Or you have to sit through a boring lecture and the teacher has this horrible monotonous voice that tries to coax you to go to sleep, and all you can think about is that you wanna go to the beach or something—fast forward…and then when you are actually at the beach and you are having so much fun playing in the water, playing football, making friends, snorkeling and all those other fun beach-y things, and you wish that time wouldn't pass so fast when you're having so much fun—slow play. Yeah, I think that life remote control can come in handy. *laughs* Oh! And how can I forget this "button"?! The first time you lock eyes with you're one and only and for some reason you just knew…maybe it wasn't love at first sight, but you know that this was a special person. And that special person is walking up to you, and you feel this indescribable feeling in your stomach and then that person goes, "Hi" and you never wanna forget that feeling ever…--rewind-play-rewind-play over and over again, until you have memorized in your heart and mind every detail, but yet you still like go over it one more time because it was a starting point of something great in your life.

Yeah, those wishes of mine…but you know when reality kicks in, I realize that that can never happen. You can't ever juss start all over from the very beginning knowing everything you know now. No one has written you a life manual either. And that magic life remote control?! It doesn't exist. What you have is right now and you only have it at one time. I do believe in free will, and if you want to change and you have the mind set to change who you are, you can. Your past experiences don't determine who you are. Your family history doesn't determine who you are. Your future doesn't determine who you are. Your present mindset of right now does.

I do wish many times that I can start over again, or go back in life and try to fix something—but then my life wouldn't be what it is right now, it would be a different life. Okay, so I said that the past and future doesn't determine who you are, but I do believe that the past makes who you are and the future influences your behaviors now, but I also believe that who you make of yourself right now is what really matters.

So life throws you a curve ball…several in fact, and you just can't handle it any longer…what are you going to do?! Give up?! I know that it sounds tempting…for crying out loud, I think right now I'm living through one of life's curveballs…and there are many times where I just wanna break down and just cry at all it's unfairness, and there are times where I do, but there are more times where I tell myself that I need to learn and move on…and one day, I'll be able to look back and laugh at how I was making such a big deal about nothing (at least I hope I will be able too!) I juss tell myself that life is always moving, time is always going forward, it doesn't wait for anyone, and eventually all this life trials will be all there in the past, and I just need to face it head on, and learn from it all, and soon it will all be in my past and I will have learned some valuable lessons from it all. Hm…yeah, that is one of the many things in life that is easier said than done, but it is doable. My best friend once told me that no matter how bad life is going, if you look hard enough, you can always find something that's going right. My other best friend told me that no matter how my life seems to be going downhill…someone out there has it worst than me. And what have I learned?! That no matter how bad life can be, I will always have my two best friends with me…maybe they can't be with me in person right now, but they are always there for me.  And that is what keeps me going.

Yeah, there are many time where I want to start all over, but if that ever happened…maybe I wouldn't be so lucky to find the same people in life that I had in my "other" life and I know that I wouldn't have the same memories, the same experiences, the same adventures, I wouldn't learn the same lessons in the same way…I would be a completely different person, I would have a whole new way of thinking…and yeah, when I really think about it, I don't want to go through the whole process of going through the unknown again. I was only given one life, one chance, so I better start stepping it up and being who I want to be. This is it. This is now. This is me.