Thursday, August 21, 2008

*Sigh*


So it's been days that I've written a blog thingy-thing-thing and I'm so swear that it's because I've been so busy that my mind is about to explode. The only comfort that I have is that if I keep busy I can keep my mind off on the up-coming date of me going home. I think that is the only thing that has been keeping me going theses days. I juss need to go home and to "recharge" myself again. I have to admit that I admire all those foreigners who can stay here without going home to "recharge" because being here takes something from you, takes a lot from you. And some days I juss don't feel like smiling, but you know, I have learned that you are the only one who has control of your life, and whether or not you are happy, it's your choice. But in so saying that, sometimes it gets so frustrating and discouraging when you know that you are trying, that you are keeping that smile on your face, and everything seems to be against you. They say that in order to be happy, make someone else happy…because you get out a lot more when you give than get, right…but what is it when you're there for everyone, when you go that "extra mile" to make another person's day that much more better, when you sit back and listen to other's problems…but yet, no one is there for you? *laughs* oh goodness, what am I doing?! I'm complaining…I'm going to make a horrible clinical psychologist! *laughs* well, it's a good thing that that's not what I plan on doing. And I shouldn't say that "no one" is there…because I do take that back…I do have friends who are there for me…it juss sucks more than donkey balls that they are more than an ocean away…the time difference is shit, and the technology isn't really best here…so yeah. But I know that being here is good for me, I'm learning to be independent, I'm learning to rely on myself, I'm learning that I can be a survivor when push comes to shove and stuff.

Well, lets see, my current feelings…stressed. *laughs* frustration, nostalgic…sometimes I wonder, what am I doing here. *laughs* well, I take that back…not sometimes, but most times I'm wondering what am I doing here?! Is there a point in me being here when I have adequate schools to go at home? Today, the guards took down our foot holds to climb over the wall, and I have to walk the extra ½ miles to get to school…and it had rained all night, and it was pouring pretty hard when I was going to school. I was extremely irritated because I know that if I was able to climb over the wall, I could have gotten to class in 15 minutes…I was actually running late, but then we have about 10 minutes before you are marked "tardy" in class, so I actually started going to class at around 10.25am…I would have made it…but when I saw that the school guards had messed up our foot holds at the wall so that it was  impossible to climb the wall for our "shortcut" I had to walk to the extra ½ miles to school, in the pouring rain, near the riverbank which was nearly overflowing, and it was muddy as hell…(well, I don't even know if "hell" is even muddy, but you get what I mean!) and so I was late for class…but it was cool though because I guess the teacher had a heart because she realized that it was raining really, really hard and so she gave the class extra time to get to class, so I wasn't "late" but technically I was. But yeah. The thing is…I could have still climbed over the wall, it's possible actually, but since it was raining, the wall was slippery, and the footholds that I was used to were gone, and there was a "mud hole" that the guards dug up what I would have landed in when I got over the wall. I know that I could have done it, because I wouldn't have minded, and I know that if I did it right, I could have reached the rock and jumped to the stairs that was built to go up to the school…the thing is, even though it was a miserable day, we still had to wear our uniform. A white blouse, dark-blue LONG skirt, and closed-toed dress shoes…but being who I am, I can not bring myself to wear the proper uniform…so I had on my ishy-mini black skirt, the white blouse (which is SO easy to be see-through if it gets wet, as it is, it already is see-through without it being wet! You can always see the color of my bra!) and closed-toed sandals thingy…the traction under it sucks…if I was wearing something else, I could have done it…plus, I still had my stuff that I had to bring and my umbrella…normally I can climb and jump the wall fine even with all my stuff and my "uniform" but without the proper foothold and stuff, I couldn't in my uniform. But anyways…as I was walking to school, literally telling myself that I need to hold my anger in check because it was a waste of energy to be mad at something that I can't control…I was asking myself, what am I doing here. I know that it's hard to understand or comprehend what it's like for me to even get to school here in this country, because I know that when my parents use to tell me the stories of the miles and "hiking" they had to walk to get to school, I knew that it was f'realz…but it was a story, right?! That stuff didn't happen anymore…but it does.

There are a lot of things in life that I don't understand. Maybe one day I'll understand.

I think that being here in the Philippines it brought out characteristics that I didn't think that I even had. In my human development class we had this class discussion about "nature vs. nurture." I'm pretty sure that you all are aware of this topic…basically, do you think you are the way you are because of heredity and the genes that you're parents passed on to you, or do you think that you are the way that you are because of the environment, the situations that you are surrounded with, the experiences that you go through and things like that. This is what I said, I think that it's both. I think that you are born with the potential to have a certain characteristic trait, but it's the situations, environment, experiences that actually fires that potential. I think that makes sense…sorta like a plant for example. So you have a seed. The seed has a potential to be a plant, a flower or something, ya?! Well, it can't be flower unless there are certain things like soil, water, sunlight, and such and stuff…well that's like a person, with the right stimulus, the right things, the situation and experiences and such, it brings out the certain characteristic traits. For me, I think being in this kind of environment, I have learned that I have a horrible temper, that I have next to no patience, and I hate it when people touch me! *laughs*  I hate being in crowded places, and I get irritated SO MUCH! I realize that all I ever do is complain, it's like coming here I'm a different person, because I can actually be mean! *laughs* okay, well…not mean-mean…I still have a hard time being mean (which is a flaw!! It is!) but yeah, I don't know what I'm saying. *laughs*

Well…hm….school is stressful, but that's not anything new. It gets harder each year, each day, each minute. My goodness, right now I'm suppose to be doing homework, but what am I doing?! I'm writing a blog! *laughs* I really think that I need to go to the beach to relax or something! Last Monday (we had no class because it was the president's birthday or something…?!) I ended up having to come on campus to meet up with a friend to talk about *gasps* school…and we ended up going to the "kioskerant" there, and I saw some of my friends and they were actually shocked to be seeing me! *laughs* I seriously juss be going to class, teaching class, then go home and get busy doing my homework and schoolwork. I have no social life. I realized that I can't do everything. Like keeping up with my social life and school is like having NO SLEEP at all…I have to choice one or the other. Don't get me wrong, I'm still there for my friends when they need me, but I seriously don't go out anymore, I don't have "fun" anymore…I don't have time, and it sucks because life is short and I feel like I'm wasting away the years that I'm suppose to be having fun.

The other day, I was walking with my friend going home, and she was like, "how do you do it?!" And I had no idea what she was talking about…and then she explained that she is so stressed out and that it's showing in her behavior and she has a hard time smiling and holding on and stuff…and she said that it looks like I'm having a lot of fun and stuff, so how do I do school and have fun at the same time. I juss started laughing and laughing. Because, AM I having fun?! *laughs* I think it's me to keep everything in, so I don't SHOW that I'm stressed out. When I have that opportunity to laugh, I laugh, I smile at everyone still, I acknowledge everyone I know and don't know, I learned that the little things in life can make you smile and make your day that much more brighter. Sometimes as I'm walking home I'll see a grandpa holding the hand of his grandchild as they are walking, and I smile, because it's so cute. Or I'll see kitties playing together (my goodness, no lie, there are SO many animals running around here! And that includes chickens! Goats! Carabao! Wow…that's something you don't see at home! *laughs*), and you know that kitties are cute…and you can't help but smile…or I'll see a friend across the street, and yes I'm that person that isn't ashamed to call out or even yell out your name is if see you! *laughs* Oh, and I have awesome neighbors, sometimes juss to get out of my house, I'll juss go next door and juss flop on my neighbor's couch or bed…I love my neighbors…I love my whole floor of neighbors. There are times where I'll juss go to my neighbor's and juss flop on the couch (which juss so happens to be mine since I have two couches and they didn't have any, so I juss let them borrow one. *laughs*) and juss relax, and get this…sometimes…well most time they are playing some computer game called DOTA…and you all know me and how I HATE those games! *laughs* but we juss talk and stuff…and most times I end up falling asleep because I'm so tired…and then I wake up and they have popped me popcorn…(for some reason popcorn is my current addiction! *laughs*) or I'll go to the other side of neighbor's and I'll juss go flop on his bed and juss talk or juss watch whatever they are watching and yes, there are times where I'll fall asleep there too, and I'll wake up and they want to feed me! *laughs* I'm so well taken care of. My neighbor's keep me sane. *laughs* the girls on my floor (for a LONG while it was all guys except for me!) are a lot of fun too, they like to take make-up a lot or other "girlie" things. (*laughs*)…yeah, that's my social life, a minimum…but it keeps me from going insane and turning into a hermit! *laughs* I know that there are many things to smile about when you really look…and if I get into depression it's because I allowed myself too, and I don't ever want to get that low ever…so I force myself to look for things to be thankful for…sometimes though, it's hard…but right now, I'm SO thankful that Imma be going home in less than 50 days now! I'm so excited, and that is what is keeping me going. *laughs*
Well, I best be getting started on my homework (again!!)…but I juss wanted to write a lil something or another and stuff. I love you all and miss you all muchoness!
*hugs and kisses*

"Somebody once told me 'be strong, remember, not everything has a happy ending and endings don't mean stop…it's just a way of telling us that there's a new beginning ahead of us. You should always be ready for the unpredictable and expect the unexpected. It's easy to fall, hard to get up, but once you're up and back on track, you will be a better person. That's the way of life. You don't just live it, you learn from it.'"

(My friend Adrian gave me that quote, and I thought to share it with you. *smiles*)

[Transfered from my myspace blog]