Sunday, April 6, 2008

I have started so many blog thingys for my blog, but I never really finish them. And it has come to my attention that I really haven’t posted anything up in such a long time! So much has happened this last couple of weeks…and I have to admit that I have gone through so much emotion that I feel so exhausted physically and mentally and of course emotionally.

Last 25th of March I was really sad, because that date marked the date of me being here for one year. Sometimes I feel as if it wasn’t that long ago, but most times I feel like it’s been forever since I’ve been home. I know that I can’t complain…because "someone always has it worst than me"…but that’s them…and I’m me, and I miss home a lot. I know that Eddie, my cousin, misses home a lot too…my goodness…the last time he went home was two years ago! I’m hoping that he could come back with me in October, but he is saying that it’s doubtful…so I’m not holding my breath. But that would be pretty neat if he could come home with me.
Well, at the end of last month, both my roomies graduated. Jyn with a BS Psychology and Joy with a BS Digital Fine Arts. I’m so proud of them...but glad that it’s over for them. I know that they were so busy with everything during the last few months as a college student. They were both officers in a number of things…and even though I don’t want to be an officer, I helped a lot…I think that’s what I wanna do, I know that I’m being pushed to be an "official" officer…but I think that I will remain an "unofficial" officer…because I know that there are many times where those "official" officers need help from the non officers…and that’s where I come in. I don’t really care for recognition of the things I do anyways. Maybe there was a time where I did want the recognition…but not anymore. I figured already that I have a voice anyways in the things that happen…I don’t need to be an officer to have a voice…but maybe I might change my tune one day…but who knows…. "Speak even if your voice shakes."

Well, I’m in the process of moving in to my "new" apartment. I’m sorta excited to be doing that...I know that living here without my roomies next year, I’m gonna be sad. I hate coming home to a empty house…and I know that doesn’t make that much since I’ll be coming home an empty apartment anyways when I move to my "new" place…but at least it doesn’t have the memories of Jyn and Joy all over the place. I wanna get a kitten, and I found the kitten I want. They have kitties all over this place…but then the kitty that I want already has an owner…*laughs* I want a pure black cat and a gray/stripped kitty. I was planning on bring Miles back…but then if Eddie is gonna move in with me, he’s allergic with cats. He got along with Miles because you can’t help but love Miles *smile* but I won’t put him through allergies when he come "home." So no kitties for me. I guess imma have to stick with my fish. Which I really don’t mind.

Well, I’m glad that my "new" place is a lot bigger than this place…but when I say "a lot bigger" it’s really not that much bigger…but it’s going to be a relief to go in my room and actually have room to walk around…and the biggest space in my room is not going to be my bed. I wanna get carpet…well, maybe not a full carpet, but I wouldn’t mind a rug or some sort…I miss fuzzy carpets. I remember I use to lay on the floor to do my homework…or juss to take a nap I would juss lay in any random place in the house with carpet with my cat, on my stomach and fall asleep. *laughs* I can understand now why that would be annoying to my parents. Goodness, what they had to "deal" with when I was in the house! *laughs* Well see. The living room is slightly bigger than this apartment (I’m sitting here in the living room of this "old" apartment)…and the bathroom is a lot bigger. Oh, and the closet is a LOT bigger over there too, so that’s good. *laughs* And we actually have TWO window’s instead of only one! *laughs*
Here’s the word for today "nostalgia"…it means "a mixed feeling of happiness, sadness, and longing when recalling a person, place, or event from the past, or the past in general or a longing for home or family when away from either." I had to make a scrapbook for class and when I went to get some scrapbook material, there was a set of stickers with that word…and I liked that word. *laughs*…random, I know.

So much has been happening that I really don’t even know where to begin to share it all with you. I know that I won’t ever be able to even if I tried…so I’m juss gonna talk randomly about random things.

So, me and Eddie were on his motorbike to Paseo…and if we yell, we can actually hear each other talk…and we talk a lot when we’re on his bike…well, I know that I talk a lot…but we have some pretty good conversations. The other day we were talking about how we want something to happen in our lives that we can say in the future, guess what happened to me….sort of story…I know that being here in this country far away from home many things happen to us…but we’re both adventurous, and quite frankly, things here aren’t really all that exciting…it’s sorta predictable the life here…and that’s boring. I mean, it’s good to be able to predict things so that you can be prepared and such…however, some times you juss want something to happen out of the ordinary in life so that you can "recharge" your self again. I don’t know if that made any sense. I mean, we already had our "near death" experience, and we don’t want that to go through anything like that again, but I think I juss miss the adrenaline of life. We’re both scared that we’re gonna go home so far behind times, and that people will think we’re boring and stuff. I don’t know what I’m saying…I’m juss saying that yeah, life here is SO much different than at home and sometimes living in a "slower paced" life gets sorta boring. And going to school every day and studying is not always fun…I don’t think that it’s ever fun, but it’s a necessity in life. I’m not complaining, I’m glad for the opportunity to go to school…but waking up each day juss to go to school is not very fun. I remember the first year that I was here that I got to the point of not caring anymore. I mean, we all had to wear uniform, the rules are so strict here. Minimal- no make up, you can’t dye your hair or have certain hair styles, no jewelry and I hate wearing closed-tied black dress shoes to school! Oh and no painting of the fingernails. It was like they were trying to take your identity away from you…the teachers even criticized the way I prayed, for crying out loud! And so I didn’t care anymore…I literally juss rolled out of bed, washed my face, brushed my teeth, put on my uniform and trudged to class. I didn’t even bother to smile or make small talk or anything, it was like I was a zombie and I didn’t want to "live" life…but juss go through life juss "surviving." I swear if any of you (from home) saw me here that first year, you wouldn’t think I was the same person. I wasn’t depressed, I juss didn’t have an identity so I didn’t care. Plus I was always judged unfairly for being a foreigner (especially an American)…so I juss kept my mouth shut and didn’t talk much, didn’t smile, juss dragged myself through life.

But I had a friend here who knew me in the beginning when I first came here, and she told me that I had to start caring for life again…and yeah, we weren’t allowed to wear make-up…something I have fun putting on. *laughs*…well, we weren’t allowed to wear a lot/loud make up…so she got me to wake up in the morning and care with how I looked. Everyone knows I love lip gloss of any kind, and there was nothing wrong with eye-liner and mascara does wonders to open your eyes…so I started applying make up again and caring for life…saying hi to random people, smiling more…because she told me that the days were only going slow because I made them slow…I can make them faster by caring…I knew what she was saying…because for awhile I was doing juss that…but then yeah. So, I actually let my hair down since it looks naturally rebounded or straightened and shined…I started wearing dressy, closed-toed shoes that were actually in style…and I got rid of the ugly unformed skirt and actually got something that was close enough to the original skirt…but more "figure" showing and "cute."…now life doesn’t past as fast…but each day is a struggle to keep on caring…because the second I let down my guard, then I’mma get homesick for the "fun" life again. But I believe that "fun" can be wherever you are, whenever you want. Happiness is all in the mind, and it’s you who chooses to be happy. But I do wish that something exciting and random can happen about right now…me and Eddie wish that can happen.

Well, I need to continue packing my stuff now, and so yeah, laterz, my friends, I miss you all SO much!
*hugs and kisses*

People from home, not knowing what this means…which would your choose…sun or globe?

[Transferred from my myspace blog]