Tuesday, October 9, 2007

You need to stand up for something, or you will fall for everything.

"Fight for what you want" is one of those things that are easier said than done. Especially if that means standing up against someone that you love. What do you do though, if you have to fight and argue against someone you love, what do you do if you know they are hurting because of what you are doing, but "you need to stand for something or you will fall for everything." But sometimes it juss really sucks because standing up against someone you love will only end up with someone hurt and betrayed.

Where can you go to get away from the world, when all you have is the world to go to? No matter where you go, someone will be there, or someone can find you. What if you want to go somewhere where no one will find you, where someone can juss leave you alone. Where no one will ask you, "how are you doing?" knowing that they really don't mean it. I want to go to a place where there isn't anyone who pretends they are there for you, that they care…I want to go somewhere where I can juss be myself, where I can laugh and not offend someone, where I can cry and not have people stare, I want to go somewhere where I won't disappoint anyone with what I'm doing. Is there a place that actually exists that is like that?

I know that my "known personality" is one that is out-going, happy, smiling, talk-a-tive and all that other stuff that I show the world…but I'm still a human being that cries, that hurts, that is lost. How does one start all over? With a clean slate…can that even happen? Is it possible to go somewhere where no one knows you…where you can literally start all over again, because no one knows your past, no one knows what your plans in the future is, no one knows what you are doing now, but living there. I wish that I was able to do that knowing that it's going to be okay, because everyone that does know me can juss forget that I even existed, or that I was juss a memory that had happened in their lives.

I think that it's pretty selfish to think that I'm probably the only one who goes through feelings like this. Because I'm sure that there are other people who feel like this…I don't need to know who you are, but I just want to know what you do to keep going, because sometimes I feel like I don't want to keep going. I'm not going to do anything drastic, I love life too much to do anything too permanent, but I juss want to know how to keep going without hurting so much inside. I'm sick and tired of having so many friends who "care" but don't really know what is going with your life, because my life isn't the most important one there is. I mean, everyone is concerned with their own life…and I totally understand and stuff…I mean, I'm concerned about my life, but I want to know how to keep smiling, how to keep laughing, how to keep being "okay" without dying slowing inside. Maybe this all will past, and in a few weeks I'll be saying that I'm the most happiest person in the world…

Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm happy…there are a lot of things to be happy about. I have friends who I know care, oh and my sister is engaged to a wonderful man, my brother juss had his 21st birthday, I have wonderful roomies that are great, Eddie—my cousin—is here with me, and he helps me a lot. I woke up today, I'm still breathing, there are a lot of things to be happy for…maybe I'm juss having a melancholy day…yeah, maybe that is juss it…

[Transferred from my myspace blog]