WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED??
"Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don't have to work
anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife!"
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for the second date."
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE??
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding."
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."
THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED??
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!"
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble."
CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are sopopular."
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."
"One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too."
REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE
"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too."
HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?
"Mooshy -- like puppy dogs -- except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much."
"All of a sudden, the people get movie fever so they can sit together in the dark."
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't ant to do it. It takes too long."
ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."
CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them."
"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing."
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television."
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me."
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough."
"Love is foolish -- but I still might try it sometime."
THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."
"Sensitivity doesn't hurt."
SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores."
"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs -- and don't worry if their parents are right there."
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me."
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE??
"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love."
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food."
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are...on fire."
"Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up."
"See if the man has lipstick on his face."
WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"
"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day."
"Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat."
HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED?
"I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses."
HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS
"You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls."
"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you.
"It might help to watch soap operas all day."
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"When they're rich."
"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you.That's why I stopped doing it."
"If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission."
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work."
"Don't forget your wife's name...That will mess up the love."
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash."
"Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind -- Love isn't like picking what movie you want to watch."
TITLES OF THE LOVE BALLADS YOU CAN SING TO YOUR BELOVED
How Do I Love Thee When You're Always Picking Your Nose?
You Are My Darling Even Though You Also Know My Sister
I Love Hamburgers, I Like You!
I Am in Love with You Most of the Time, but Don't Bother Me When I'm with My Friends.
Hey, Baby, I Don't like Girls but I'm Willing to Forget You Are One!