WOW...i was going though my things on my laptop and reading things that i wrote while i was away...and this one really caught my eye...i was really hurt huh? and it was NO ONES fault, but the fact that i let it happen. let me clarify one thing...MOST guys are assholes...but i know now that NOT ALL guys are assholes. same goes as i know that there are bitches out there...but here...i'll share a little of my heart :)
August 14, 2004
Jealousy screamed through my veins as I watched my current “eye-candy” smile at my friend. However, what was there that I could do? He was not mine to take possession of. What did she have that I didn’t have? What secret ingredient did she have that I couldn’t figure out? What quality did she have that he couldn’t see in me?
We were friends, but was that all we would ever be? He claimed that I was someone that he could trust; he claimed that he liked hanging around me; he claimed that I was juss a good friend. However, he admitted that he saw me as his sister, yet he calls me “her” name.
It all started out with the traditional introduction of a mutual friend, but it grew as I asked him to (sorry...personal stuff here...:) At first, I would deny the fact what everyone saw…he liked me, and I liked him; after all, he did tell me that he had his eye for “her.” However, from the first day, it was always me and him, him and me, always together. We confided in each other, we laughed with each other, we stayed up late on the phone together, we called each other during the day to hang out, we would always be near each other, we did our homework together, we stayed up looking at the stars together; together.
As we got to know each other on a more personal basis, my feelings for him grew, until I realized that I not only saw him as a friend, or a good friend, but I saw him as someone that I liked in a different way. I tried everything I could to push those feelings away, but the more I pushed, the more those feelings grew. Until the day came where I couldn’t deny the feelings anymore, and we had “the talk.” We’ll be friends no matter what. He would always treat me different than his other friends…we would stay friends, nothing would change, but he did care for me.
We had more “talks” after that first one, but even though my heart cried out for him, I realized that he could never see me in the way that I wanted him too. He was honest with me, and even though for a time he did admit he had feelings for me, I could never do anything about it. The damage was done, he had liked my friend.
My number one rule for dating: Never date, go out, or even think about dating a guy who has liked someone I was/am close to. How much closer can you get than a friend who was more than a sister to you?
Guys, boys, men, “you can’t live with them, yet you can’t live without them.” How ironic life seems. As I look back to my history with guys, I noticed that with each guy that I have been with, that I have liked, that I have had a fling with, it was always different. However, each time, I was hurt, each time I gave my heart away only to have it thrown back in my face, bleeding, broken and in pieces. Whether it be intentionally or non-intentionally, it doesn’t matter, my heart is now a scar that is harden by the fact that it was abused, that it was used, that it was broken one to many times.
If faced with the question, “what is better, to love or to have never love” what is the answer? "To love" is to get hurt, to get rejected, to open yourself up to the world to look at you, bare naked and broken. To give your heart away is to have it stomped on, trampled, smashed, and broken up before it is returned to you in pieces to many to count. However, "to have never loved" is to never know the feeling of waking up knowing that you are cared for, is to never know the feeling of true happiness; to never know the feeling of being in a persons arms feeling secure and safe knowing that that person would never let anything happen to you.
Love is a risk that you have to take. It is a risk between knowing that you will find your soul mate and knowing that there is a fifty-fifty chance of having your heart returned to you with pieces of it missing. Is love worth that risk?
Would you be content to live a life of solitude? Of singleness? Of loneliness? Or are you willing to face the challenges that a relationship brings in order to find your “other half”? Is it true that everyone has a soul mate? Is it true that somewhere in this big world there is a person for everyone? Is it true that there will be a time you will give your heart away, and in return you get back a heart that is yours to keep and to take care of and to love? I don’t know, but I do know that guys are assholes, and if you don’t want to live a life with an asshole, you’re better off with just keeping the male species at arms length, and only offer your friendship and love as a friend, in order to keep your heart guarded from pain.