Thursday, August 25, 2005

Hi and hello.


have you ever gotten that feeling where your heart REALLY burns because you miss someone SoOoO much?! I know that it's a common feeling, but i also know to each person the feeling is slightly different. I try not to let it effect my life. i mean...yeah...he's there...he was a part of my life. but now it's over and done, and i know i need to move on. I guess we'll be friends. if we see each other we'll smile, say hi, hug and all that other good stuff...but it's that feeling of...what is it? I guess it's juss "miss" ...i mean, yeah, a part of you wants to pursue something more and or not...but you don't want too. I guess you can say you miss their company and their friendship....and you juss miss "HIM". i try not to talk about him much...kasi i'll only miss him more...and i think actually this is the first time that i actually really talked about it...i did sorta talk to my cousin Eddie about it before he left...but he understood. i did talk to my brother about it...but he laughs. but i am DESPERATLY trying not to live in the past...so i need to forget about him for the time being and move on.

OMG! so i go to bed early early this morning...like at uhm 5:30am...but that doesn't mean i go to sleep. I kept checking my clock to see if i did sleep. You know that...did -i -go- to -sleep-? i -don't -remember -waking -up type of dealio...but no...i didn't go to sleep until like 7:am. at least that was the last time i checked my clock. i think i do like that time...where you have you and your thoughts and God. Maybe THAT's why it took me forever to go to sleep. Thoughts juss kept tumbling in my head. About this, about that...
I wanna travel. I was talking to my friend, and really want to travel. I want a job that PAYS me to travel. What was it Leah? uhm...an agency that hires me to travel all around the world...different places...new sites...new things...hot spots...fun places...museums...parks...EVERYTHING...and THEY pay ME...and pay for my expenses to HAVE FUN! You know for like...a tourist book...or a tourist information thingy...juss something so that i can go places...see new things...at THEIR expense! But i'll be getting the information for them...i'll be sacraficing MY time and time with my friends and famiy... be doing what they want me to do. Which to me...that's okay...i know that i'll return home every so often...and it's not every day that you could travel all over. But then we (Leah and I) both agreed that we need company for a second opinion or juss so that we can be "safe" together...so i have to mention her. and visa versa. Wow...i think that is my new dream....well i have ALWAYS wanted to travel...but i want this sooo bad! It's be so much fun, and i know it! Meeting new people all around the world...it'll be great. And i will be single...so there is NO WORRIES and heart aches when i'm gone :)

Oh yeah...so i went to sleep (last i checked) was around 7:am right...well, im swear i am in this wonderful place of dreamland when my mom comes bursting in my room...i would say i'm a pretty light sleeper...so i wake up even before she opens my door...i could HEAR her coming and my beaded curtains made their sound before she opened my door. It was a phone call. It was this guy that has been trying to get a hold of me for a LONG time. I juss haven't been hom that much. Okay...this is the part where i feel bad. As i said before...it takes guts to tell someone you like them (much less (seriously) propose...right?)...but it takes even more guts to keep on uhm...pursueing someone AFTER they told you "no" a million times. i mean...i know i dont like rejection...and i dont' like rejecting people...but i won't give them false hope either. That hurts. But i was good to talk to him again. Member how i mentioned in my earlier blogs that this guy has been trying to get a hold of me..yeah...it was him. He finally called at a time where i was home. but i was SLEEPING...he was soo funny...he was like "GIRL! what is wrong with your voice?!" If you have EVER talked to me in the morning and that is IF you could GET me to talk in the morning...my voice sounds like...how do i put it...a frog? :) he thought i was sick and he was being all sweet and stuff...but i was like "****, i am NOT sick...i juss woke up." then he was all sorry and apologetic. but he was calling from the philippines...so it wasn't like i wasn't gonna ignore his phone call. I really wish that he wouldn't call though. It's really expensive...hm...

that makes me wonder....my sister told me: you know how you like someone so much...you KNOW that s/he is the one. And you try to make her/him realize that. Or something like that...and they honestly believe in their heart that he/she is the one?....she thinks that **** is like that. He really thinks that I am the one. And I don't want him to hurt. Like i said on my first paragraph...I'M missing someone..and it burns that he can't be here with me right now...i don't want that for him. I guess he is going through what i'm going through and that sucks. BIG TIME. How do you GENTLY convince a guy that you two aren't for each other...at least for NOW. if ever. I dont' want to hurt him and i wanna keep our friendship alive...but it's hard. Wow...if only feelings weren't so powerful...(then we wouldn't be humans, huh :)

My friend Leah gave me her beaded curtain...and it's HANGING FROM THE MIDDLE OF MY ROOM! yep..i like them beaded curtains...i have them all over my room. they are pretty. this one looks like a waterfall down the middle of my room. it's so pretty. :) juss some random thought :)

i'm gonna go eat a banana now. :) 

[Transferred from my myspace blog]