Monday, August 22, 2005

Early Morning Thoughts...


wow...it's 4:52am...at least that is what it says in my alarm clock...and i can't go back to sleep. don't you hate it when you are sleeping, and then you find yourself awake for no apparent reason. and you are laying there in bed wondering if you ever were asleep at all...and you look at the time and it flashes a time that informs you that you WERE sleeping...then when, how and WHY are you awake?! i went to sleep earlier than i normally do...like i think around 10:30pm kasi knew that i would start school today...but i KNOW that i'm not excited about school to start so that can't be the reason why i'm awake...maybe it's kasi of that. i'm not USED to sleeping so early and my body is only used to having certain amount of hours of sleep, so it automatically wakes up. Funny...this is actually around the time that i would wake up in the Philippines...you know how it goes...the morning worship and all. But i KNOW that my body NEVER got used to that!
You know what? i miss my sister. for those of you who know us...remember how we would always fight. i think she was my worst enemy...it was bad...she knew my faults...my weakness...how to move around my strenghts and knew what hurt me and she would figure out my fears...but you know...i miss her. after all, once we grew out of that stage of "hateness" towards each other...she become the person that i knew that i could trust. yeah, it's still true that it's hard to live with her for long periods of time...we're so much alike that we clash ::does that even make sense?!:: but i know that i can call her and even go to her when i have a problem, when i need to vent, when i want to have fun, when i need someone to juss be there. you know when i think back to it...it was when we both decided to leave for oppisite boarding schools in highschool that i realized that i missed my sister...and juss how close we really were. and that was way back in our jr. year of highschool. well...her jr. year and my sophmore year. now i'm in my third year of college...and she's graduated ::i am SOoOoO proud of her! a RN in Loma Linda!!:: i was gone REALLY gone for a year...last year...and i remember thinking..."when i get home...me and MY sister are gonna go out and hang out." but now i'm home and she is gone...moved out of the house...working....making a difference in the world...and having a happy time. next year...i'll be gone again. i talked to her right before i went to bed last night. we both had TERIBLE reception...but we got in our words...we miss each other...i'm gonna drive down to see her...she misses home and she doesn't know when she'll be back...how i should have told her i was in fresno...she would have driven up to see me...but one of the last things we told each other...was the same as always...but meant probably even more now..."I love you Che..." "I love you too Ate Faith...i honestly LOVE you!" yeah...i miss my sister....

you know what really sucks...? turning a guy down. i hope all you guys who are reading this know that i DO NOT ENJOY saying "no." i know that Hitch is one of the most funniest movies i have ever seen...but it made me realize one thing...it is a compliment when a guy walkes up to you and says something ::nice at least!:: it takes GUTS to do that. guys are as shy as girls...and it is hard to walk up to someone you like and admit it. sometimes though, it's frustrating...i mean...don't they REALIZE that not all girls enjoy saying "no.." yeah...i knew there are those mean, cruel girls out there that say no and laugh and tell their friends how "stupid this guy was for even approaching" her was...but I'M NOT LIKE THAT!...if they really like me...then they should KNOW me...and KNOW that i'm not INTERESTED in being in a RELATIONSHIP...at least not now...but i have to admit that i do get flattered easily...but repeatedly telling a guy no...hurts me and stabs me and makes me feel like a rotton person. when i went to the philippines...i told myself that i didn't want to get involved in a relationship...and i thought everyone knew that. i was getting over someone that i had left behind, and i didn't want to have to do that again when i left the phills...but i guess it didn't sink into all of their heads. Most of the time i would juss shake it off that i had a lot of "admire's" kasi "everyone wants to be with the American" in the phills...but this one guy wasn't even a filippino...he was born in Africa...raised in London. he's nice...considerate...sweet...understanding...can hold a conversation...has opinions...everything that i like in a guy...except i didn't like him in that way...yeah i was sad when i left him...but i didn't like him beyond friendship even though i knew where his feelings laid. now...he calls me...! i think i know how he got my number...i mean...i do have a cousin that i'm close with there...but i mean...he thought that cousin was his COMPETITION!!! what is that?! but now...he calls...and i'm never...if ever...home to recieve his calls...he calls my mom's cell...for crying out loud!!! i did talk to him once...he wants to go back...damn...i said no to him so many times in the phills...now i have to again...it hurts. dang...guys...emotions...feelings...relationships....

hm...i hate these times...or do i like them? you know those times where you DO wake up early in the morning...wondering why you are are awake...those are the times to yourself...everyone else is asleep...and you think...and imagine and thing...and juss contimplate on things that you normally keep in the back of your head. you reminise to old times...make up the future...and for the time being...ignore the present i guess. iono...i should force myself to sleep na...i have been on for...hm you do that math! it's too early! :) my alarm clock says 5:27am. good morning...ingat....

[Transferred from my myspace blog]