Thursday, August 25, 2005

Can't sleep.

goodness gracious...i HATE it when i can't sleep! can't wait for tommarow though...im gonna hang out with my little sister...haven't done that all week...well i know that i hung out with her today...but then oh okay...it was fun...really fun...laughed a lot...and had a good talking time. i really wish that i could go with her to malaysa...that would be so much fun! damn...i really REALLY want to travel! i wanna go everywhere...meet everyone and juss yeah...travel! you know what?! i think that it would be really cool if i could travel different places...like in the whole universe and some! meet all those aliens out there that people say that exsist...or it would be really cool if i could travel UNDERWATER! you know the different places underwater. i wonder how it's like under there. Is it like how it is in "the little mermaid" or is it more like "finding nemo" or more like outer space, but underwater. what IS it like under there. that would be really cool to be under the water...it must be really dark under there though...i mean, how far can light travel underwater...and then when it's night time...wow...it must be scary dark under there! Space is pretty dark too, huh? i really want to see the world though in space...i see all though picture's and it's beautiful...i remember when i was little and i wanted to be that famous singer...i wanted my first music video to be on the moon! my goodness...i wanted to be so many weird things when i was little...a singer....a mood catcher...a mermaid...whoops...not when i was little...i still want to be a mermaid. but now it's more like to serious things...Early Childhood Education...Journalism....Communications.... Speech Language Pathology....i'm not sure...between the journalism and communications...but i am sure that i want to work with the little kids...they are so adorable! i love playing with them...they are sooo curious, fun and SoO unpredictable! i love it! whenever i feel like the whole world has turned it's back on me...i play with the little one's, it's like they are so inocent...they look at the world with innocence and like...iono...they are little kids...i LOVE them so much! i really can't wait till my cousin has her baby! can you believe that my niece asked me if i would still love her even when her sister would be born...how can i NOT love my little babygirl?! i will have love for the new one too, but i will always love my Rosemarie...but i still can't wait for Lelo Eric to be born..NO that is NOT her name...that is juss want i call her. Am i a terrible person to joke around with little ones? i mean, Rose asked me if her name was still Eric....yeah, i need to stop doing that...they are so fun and trusting i shouldn't abuse it. I love Rosemarie...i remember telling her mom that i loved Rose so much as if she was my own child...and she said that if i love Rose that much think of when i will have kids of my own...how much i will love them. i think it was because of THAT that i want to have kids now...but how is that...i'm not PLANNING of getting married...how i see it...i got hurt, with a BOYFRIEND...and that burned, killed and destroyed me...and i was barely strong enough to deal with it...and now that i've grown up and learned from my mistakes...i don't want to go there again...and so how am i suppose to have a HUSBAND if i don't want a BOYFRIEND...yeah, i'm so confusing...but i guess that's who i am...i remember when i didn't even know who i am. i still don't sometimes...i know that it's our parents who raise us up and they teach us their values...but sometimes, i wanna break away from them, try my own things...it is so hard growing up with parents that grew up in a different generation AND a different country. i never really understood why they were so strict, why they wanted me to be their perfect little girl...something that i KNOW that i'm not...! it was like they wanted me to grow up as if I LIVED IN THE PHILIPPINES the way that they did...OR they wanted me to grow up like i lived in the philippines but the lives that they wanted to live but couldn't. Why can't our parents juss help us grow who WE are, not whe THEY are who who THEY want US to be! i dont' understand that...but you know when i was in the philippines, i saw it. It's like a whole different world there. i think that was one of the reason's why it was so hard to adjust...it was something like i've never expereinced before. yeah, i'm sure that a lot of you guys have gone to the philippines before...i have before i went to school there...and it was 100% different than it was when i went there before! i was seeing the difference between me and the ones that grew up there. it seems that everything they did...my parents would LOVE. they grew up the way that my parents would have wanted me to grow up. i hate dissappointing my parents and for a while it killed me to see people that i knew that my parents want ME to be...but you know what i realized...i'm not them..i'm me, and they can either love me or hate me...but no matter what i'm me. I think im pretty much love who i am. i wish that i wasn't that shy. it's funny though, i odnt know HOW i became shy! when i was little i was anything BUT shy! my parents would get mad at me...i would talk to anyone and everyone...no one to me was a stranger. I would tell my mom that everyone was my friends...i juss had to meet them all. so her telling me "don't talk to strangers" didn't help any. i was always talking. they said the only time that i didn't talk was when i was sleeping...and even them my sister claims that i sleep talk, which i know i don't! oh it was sooo funny...in philippines one of my room mates talk in her sleep...and there was this one time where i was sleeping and i hear her talking, so i wake up and i ask her what she wanted, since she was on the top bunk, i thought that maybe she needed something from the bottom that was in my area...but she was juss talking nonsence and when i asked her about it in the morning she said that she talks in her sleep. thats scarey...what if you say something that you didn't want other's to know. i heard that though....right when you wake up, someone can ask you something and you will be too tired to think up a lie so you tell the honest to God truth...my kuya stephen told me that if you kill someone 1-11 seconds after you wake up...you can claim that you didn't know what you were doing. that's weird...i mean, i guess..iono...tha'ts wrong..but i know taht when i wake up...my eyes' maybe open, but then my mind isn't working all that much...so maybe...you know waht is scary! people sleeping with their eye's open. i knew a few people like that. this one girl, she slept with her eyes open and if you move a finger in front of her eyes really slowly she will follow it...but really slowly, and she blinks like REALLY REALLY REALLY slowly...that would be scary to wake up too, someone staring at you with out blinking...or blinking REALLY slowly...oh you know what was REALLY funny...in the movie Hot Chicks when Jessica was sitting in front of april when she was sleeping and she woke up and jessica was juss staring at her and she asked if she changed back to a girl yet...that was sooo funny! i swear that movie makes me laugh SO hard that i can't even breath! i love that movie...i know that i could watch that movie and it will never fail to make me laugh...and then i saw white chick...that was hilarious! soooo much funniness! i saw it in the philippines...and i was dying of laughter..i like watching movies with friends...you can laugh and laugh and laugh...and they won't think your weird, kasi they are laughing with you. my sister likes to laugh at me kasi when i am laughing so hard i dont' make a sound. you know that kind of laugh, when you are laughing SO hard that no sound can be heard! and then you take a deep breath...i love it! it is a real laugh! oh! i hate how i do this little laugh thingy..you know waht i mean? i know those of you who know me know waht i'm talking about...it's not a giggle thingy...but it's this weirdness...well, you'll know waht i'm talking about if you know me...it's weird. at least it's not normal, kasi then that would be weird if it's normal. i think that is one of the most confusingest thing...wow is that even a word?! but it is...if your normal, your weird, and if your weird, your normal..i guess that makes sense if you really think about it. but yeah. wow, the thoughts that go through my head when i can't go to sleep. like i wish there was someone i could talk to now...i juss feel like discussing or talking to someone right now...but like iono who. maybe that is one thing i miss about the philippes..there is ALWAYS someone to talk too. but that kinda got annoying! if you were trying to go to sleep and these two girls kept wispering. i miss going to my friend Redeem and Jade's room, because their room mates would always be gone and it would only be us three and we would talk forever and stay up forever...wow..i really do miss it there...SO laid back...but sometimes i think that it's too much laid back...i think i should stop now...i'm juss talking and talking and talking...i'm so pathetic! :)


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